How do you measure up?

by Richard L. Weaver II

I have discovered a brilliant way to begin the New Year.  This does not include the traditional celebration, gorging on food that you will have to work hard to remove from your waistline, clinking glasses of champagne at midnight, or even partying with friends.  My way to begin the New Year has the potential of making you very happy or very sad.

Here it is in a nutshell.  I am going to give you the top ten most often used New Year’s resolutions.  All you must do is assess your personal status on each one.  That is, if it is one that you KNOW you need to work on, give yourself ten points.  That’s all there is to it.

Here, then are the top ten New Year’s resolutions:\
        1.    I need to spend more time with family and friends.
        2.    I need to engage in a regular program of exercise.
        3.    I need to lose some weight.
        4.    I need to quit smoking.
        5.    I need to enjoy life more.
        6.     I need to seriously cut back on my drinking.
        7.    I need to get out of debt.
        8.    I need to learn something new.
        9.    I need to help others.
             10.    I need to get organized.

There are obviously many other possibilities like: I need to take better care of myself, I need to stick to a budget, I need to find a soul mate, or I need to find a better job.  But, for the purposes of this essay, let’s just stick to those numbered above.

Did you give yourself ten points for each one of the ten that applies to yourself?  That is, ones that would make a difference right now in your life?  Okay, add those together and subtract from 100.  Now you can see how your quality of life measures up on the scale below:
        90-100     =    A    One or zero applies right now.
        80            =    B    Two apply right now.
        70            =    C    Three apply right now.
        60            =    D    Four apply right now.
        0-50        =    F    Five or more apply right now.

How do you measure up?  As I said in the first paragraph, this could be a rewarding exercise, or it could be completely frustrating.  When I originally thought of this, I rated myself on the top ten resolutions, and I came out with a 90.  Had it been a disaster for me, I probably wouldn’t have suggested doing it at all!  ( :-) - smiley face emoticon needed here!)

As you might imagine, there are hundreds (probably more like thousands) of websites that not only list New Year’s Resolutions, but give advice as to how to accomplish what you plan to do.  One website makes it very clear that most resolutions are broken within 48 hours of when they are made.  That can be easily explained by talking about laziness, habits, and comfort zones — but everyone already knows this.  Changing any of the ten areas where you realize you could use some change requires huge amounts of planning, persistence, and patience, not to speak of time and effort.  Most people just say to hell with it and live their lives the same way they have been living it.

How did I pull a score of 90 on the exercise?  It is quite simple actually.  I already spend a great deal of time with family and friends, I engage in a rigorous and regular exercise program (have for nearly 40 years), I do not need to lose weight (I weigh just 10-15 pounds more than when I graduated from college), I do not smoke, I really enjoy all aspects of life (and write about them often), I do not drink (except, perhaps, for one beer a day for my health), I am not in debt (have no outstanding debts of any kind), I am constantly engaged in learning new things (I read often, and widely), and I am about as organized as I need to be to accomplish what I need to do.  Some might even label me excessively (ridiculously, unreasonably, impossibly!) organized.

Notice in this list that I left out one item: number nine.  “I need to help others.”  I have always felt that I help others through my writing.  If you have read my book, You Rules, or my books Public Speaking Rules, Relationship Rules, or even SMOERs, you might come to the same conclusion.  Writing takes an enormous amount of time, and I feel my contribution through writing is significant.

Also, as most of you know, I have written a textbook (actually a large number of them) that is now going into its tenth edition (Communicating Effectively, 2009, McGraw-Hill), and, once again, I feel that this makes a worthwhile contribution to helping others.

These are not excuses, however.  I realize there is a profit motive behind much of my writing, and there is no doubt about it.  I could not continue writing actively is there were not some remuneration involved.  But, that is why I gave myself ten points for number nine: “I need to help others.”  I could be much better, and I could do much better in this area.  Because of my active and persistent involvement in writing, I have never made this a resolution because I always feared I could not do it (right now).

I have delivered hot meals to shut-ins, I have given extensively to church causes, and I make regular contributions to our church — all in the spirit of helping others.  But, there is no doubt about it, I could do much more.
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Psych Central has a wonderful website.  It includes an essay, “New Year’s Resolutions: Role-Modeling the ‘How’ of Making Change,” by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker.  The beauty of what she says in her essay is something many people forget — how you can use making and achieving resolutions a family learning experience.  Great essay here!

The Washington University School of Medicine: Environmental Health and Safety website, includes an essay on “Health & Safety Topic of the Month” for January, 2002, entitled, “Keeping your New Year’s resolutions.”  This essay has excellent, well-researched tips, for making and keeping resolutions.  Valuable information here.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Christmas jokes

I decided to compose a different kind of essay to celebrate Christmas this year.  Here, then, I have listed some of my favorite Christmas jokes.  Although some of the jokes are clearly better than others; there is no order in their presentation here.  Some are a little more sophisticated than others, but most are quite silly.  I begin with one that fits the “silly” category very well—and I apologize in advance. 

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. 

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." 

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" 

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"  

A second joke.  On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. 

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 

The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."  Now, I like that joke, and for much the same reason, I like the next one, too. 

A third joke.  Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. 

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. 

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. 

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" 

The third man answers, "They're Carol's." 

Christmas jokes would not be complete without at least one stupid one.  One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. 

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." 

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here." 

I would love to say this next joke is original, but it isn’t.  None of them are; however, this one reveals my respect for proper pronunciation.  In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. 

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. 

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. 

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here,  The three wise man came from afar.'" 

Sometimes the short Christmas jokes work well to grab attention and provide a quick guffaw. What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?  Santa Clues! 

Let me end with a politically correct Christmas:  On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) 

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, THREE deconstructionist poets, TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. 

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. 

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At this web site, you will find a wide variety of Christmas jokes.

At About.com , there are a large variety of Christmas jokes.

The Family Yak web site, Bernadette Dimitrov has an essay in which she includes, “7 Classic Christmas Jokes: Guaranteed to Get a Laugh!”  One of them is a “knock-knock joke,” and the other six are standard two-liners.  Then she goes on in her essay to talk briefly about laughter.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

How do you deal with people different from you?

Sometimes in a new communication situation with a person different from us, we may interpret the other person as abnormal, weird, or simply different.  It is important to learn to control the human tendency to translate “different from me” into “less than me.”  Rather, we need to raise questions.  Are there effective ways of dealing with different kinds of people?  Can I develop a repertoire of five or six approaches that will help me reach others in real and meaningful ways?  I will discuss seven different ways taken from the book, Communicating Effectively by Hybels and Weaver. 

Engage in mindfulness.  Mindfulness means paying attention to what is going on in the present moment without judgment.  To do this, you must trust your direct and immediate experience.  Second, you must show patience — a willingness to observe and describe what is happening without bias.  You simply throw yourself into the present moment and glean wisdom through the trial and error of learning by direct experience.  Third, you must accept “what is, as it,” in other words, accept whatever it is that the universe serves up.  It means accepting life on life’s own terms, regardless of your feelings about it and discovering effective strategies to cope with and eventually appreciate whatever is happening. 

Pay attention to your words and actions.  It is only through your thoughtful communication with others that you become aware of your own thinking patterns, assumptions, perceptions, prejudices, and biases.  When students come to Cruz-Janzen’s classes expecting to learn how to communicate with nonwhites, she tells them they are first going to study themselves, their gender, racial, ethnic, cultural, socioeconomic, and physical (ability, disability, and appearance) socialization.  Cruz-Janzen has a very clear motive to this: “As long as whites  continue expecting others to explain themselves whites are setting themselves as the norm, the normal ones, against whom all others must be judged and measured.” 

Control your assumptions. For example, don’t assume that there is one right way (yours) to communicate.  Don’t assume that breakdowns in communication occur because others are on the wrong track.  Don’t assume that the preferred rules of interpersonal relationships you have learned in your culture apply universally across all cultures.  Don’t assume that your cultural definitions and successful criteria or conflict management apply universally across all cultures.  Don’t assume that because another’s values and beliefs differ from your own that you are being challenged.  Don’t assume that you can learn about others who may be different from you by staying in your comfort zone.  Don’t assume you know what is best for someone else.   

Engage in transpection.  Instead of assuming — a process most people begin quickly, naturally, and often subconsciously — take a moment to relax and reflect.  Transpection is the process of empathizing across cultures.  In transpection, you try to see the world exactly as the other person sees it.  It involves trying to learn foreign beliefs, foreign assumptions, foreign perspectives, and foreign feelings in a foreign context.  It can only be achieved by practice.  Striving toward transpection can help you avoid assumptions and move you closer to tolerance, sensitivity, respect, empathic listening, and effective communication responses. 

Gain knowledge.  The greater your cultural and linguistic knowledge, and the more your beliefs overlap with those from other cultures, the less likelihood for misunderstands.  You need to read, observe, ask questions, and visit places where there are people from different races and ethnic backgrounds. 

Gain experience.  You cannot learn how to be a good communicator just by reading, observing, asking questions, or doing research on the Internet.  But gaining experience doesn’t require making actual visits to foreign countries or foreign cultures.  Find an individual of another culture, and ask if the two of you could have a conversation bout intercultural communication.  With that as your focus, ask some pointed, specific questions designed to help you better understand him or her, and others of the same culture.  For example, ask him or her how they cope with and adapt to unfamiliar cultural environments, the best ways for members of other cultures to communicate with them, factors that can increase effectiveness in communication, strategies used for successfully managing conflict, some of the worst offenses people outside your culture make in communicating with you or with members of your culture, and some of the worst offenses they have made as they have become acclimated into your/our culture. 

There are other ways to gain experience in intercultural communication — communicating with those who may be different from you — that will help you gain a broader worldview.  Frequent ethnic restaurants, watch world news in addition to local news, read books written by authors from other countries, learn another language, and when countries with which you are unfamiliar are mentioned, find them on a map, look them up on the Internet, and find out as much as you can about them.   

Other ways to gain experience in dealing with those different from you is to listen to world music, rent foreign films, and travel — whether it is in person or though videos.  Your local library has dozens of videos on foreign countries.   

But don’t just observe.  Converse with people of other cultures.  Take part in cultural celebrations that differ from your own.  Volunteer to serve on committees, teams, or groups in which members of other cultures will be serving.  Listen, engage, and keep asking questions.  Take time to understand what people believe about childrearing, educational opportunities, world politics, and life in general. 

How you learn to deal with people who are different from you depends entirely on your willingness to seek, discover, and experience.  Today, the Internet is one of the most important influences on the knowledge and information at our disposal.  We are increasingly linked together across the globe, and we can connect with people on the other side of the world as quickly as we do with friends and family at home.  You will quickly find out that the knowledge and understanding you gain is well worth any effort you put forth.

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At the website, Success Mantras   Nahush Khubalkar, in his essay “Art of Dealing with People Effectively,” offers personal insights for dealing with people effectively.  Khubalkar discusses love yourself first, your self-esteem level, each and every person is different, accept the difference, and respect the difference. 

At David Maister’s website Maister writes about “Passion, People and Principles: The Mysteries of Dealing With People - A Few Pointers.”  Although Maister offers no new earthshaking ideas, he does offer some thoughts to make you pause and consider.  He ends his essay in this way: “Want to know how to deal with others? As a good first approximation, think of others as like you, not as ‘them’ If you want to influence someone, ask: Would it work on me? Figure out how you like to be dealt with. Draw up your own list of how you expect to be treated. Treat others that way.
Are these old, unoriginal thoughts? Of course, but still worth asking ourselves how well we actually apply them in our lives.” 

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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

At what point do customers have choice overload?

When our family returned from a six-month sabbatical in Australia, our friends who met us for our “Welcome Home” celebration, offered us necklaces made from strings of Cheerios.  That present represented how much we missed that cereal treat while away.  But, even more important, it represented the limited choices Australians have when compared with those of Americans. While we have hundreds, they may have a dozen.  Their cereal of choice is Weet-bix, a whole grain breakfast biscuit they spread with vegemite (made from leftover brewers’ yeast extract, a by-product of beer). 

One lasting and riveting impression when we were there was entering their “super” markets, and being faced with such limited choices.  We recognized that many of the products to which our family had become accustomed in the U.S., were not available. 

There is something, of course, to simplicity.  It doesn’t really challenge your brain; it takes less time; and the results are, generally, predictable. 

Many people have solved the choice dilemma in the U.S.  They know exactly what they want, and they work carefully to just get in and get out of a store.  40 kinds of toothpaste?  They have stuck with one brand for over 25 years.   

One way for dealing with a large number of choices is not to deal with them at all. 

The U.S. supermarket, on the other hand, causes people to burn their brain choosing between 40 toothpastes, 75 iced teas, 175 salad dressings, and 285 brands of cookies.  

This isn’t the end of it.  There are 85 types of crackers, 285 types of cookies, and 80 pain relievers.  And this is a small percentage of the supermarket. 

There are thousands of mutual funds, hundreds of cell phones with dozens of calling plans, thousands of insurance policies, medical plans, and investment opportunities.  There are so many TV shows that people tape the ones they don’t have time to watch—and never have time to watch the ones they tape.  In every way we turn, we face mind-boggling choices. 

If you go out to buy a pair of jeans today—size 34-33—you are likely to face many decisions.  Do you want them slim fit, easy fit, relaxed fit, baggy or extra baggy?  Do you want them stone-washed, acid-washed, or distressed?  Do you want them button-fly or zipper-fly?  Faded or regular?  Sorry, there is no thing as regular jeans any more. 

People choose from 1,500 drawer pulls at The Great Indoors.  Amazon gives every town a bookstore with 2 million titles, and Netflix promises 35,000 different movies on DVD.  Choice is everywhere. 

“As the number of choices grows further,” writes Swarthmore psychologist Barry Schwartz in The Paradox of Choice, “the negatives escalate until we become overloaded.” 

At what point do we become a prisoner of too many choices?  Too many choices produce
paralysis, not liberation.  At this point, Schwartz writes, “It might even be said to tyrannize.” Americans are facing a crisis of choice. 

By creating many options, industries have done a favor for customers with varied tastes and body types.  Average Americans, for example, order nonfat decaf iced vanilla lattes at Starbucks.  For some customers, however, what was a very simple decision—buying a cup of coffee, for example—that required but a brief moment, has become a complex one in which they are forced to invest time, energy, no small amount of self-doubt in some cases, as well as anxiety and dread over the ordeal.  And this goes on with reference to numerous products in countless shopping experiences. 

The fact that some choice is good doesn’t necessarily mean that more choice is better.  For many of us, increased choice means decreased satisfaction. 

Does anyone have to wonder why there has been a 75 percent increase in Americans being treated for clinical depression over the last 25 years?  “[Americans] are increasingly unhappy, riddled with anxiety and regret, because we have so much freedom to decide what to do with our money and our lives,” writes Virginia Postrel in an online article entitled “Consumer Vertigo.” 

Choice produces paradoxical effects.  For example, people feel an enormous burden to get enough information to make good decisions.  Do they have the time to find the best digital camera, the best cell phone plan, the best 401(k), the best health insurance, the most economical automobile? 

Even when choices are relatively simple, getting the right information isn’t easy.  One problem is with the way options are presented or “framed.”  For example, we accept a “discount for paying cash” but reject a “surcharge for using credit cards,” even though the two mean the same thing.  We spring for a “bargain” sweater marked down from $200 to $100 when normally we never spend that much for a sweater.  We instantly turn against the inheritance tax when it is relabeled “death tax,” even though most of us will not be leaving enough behind to be affected. 

If you’re a person who wants the very best, you’re likely to be disappointed.  You check out all the alternatives to feel you got the best.  But, in a world of 80 pain relievers and thousands of mutual funds, it’s just not possible.  So, even after you’ve made a decision, you end up miserable.  Why?  Because you’re absolutely convinced that had you looked longer, you would have done better. 

Older people have learned two important lessons from life’s experiences.  They are less likely to seek out the very best.  The “tried-and-true,” even if only “good enough,” is good enough. 

Also, older people know that limited options can be liberating.  Forced to wear a seat belt, or sustain the idiotic, droning of a high-pitched, piercing noise, they wear the seat belt and seldom rebel.   Although it may seem like they’re in a rut, making the same old decisions on products over-and-over again simply means they don’t have to settle the same issue again and again.   

Settled issues save the time and energy that are needed to make the intelligent choices when they are required. 

Studies have proven that when customers are given a narrow-range of choices, they are more likely to make a purchase.  In one study, significantly fewer choices increased purchasing propensity by ten times. 

It is true that without any freedom of choice, life would not be worth living.  But, it is also true that more choice does not necessarily mean greater happiness.  You do wonder, at what point customers have choice overload?  

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At the website, CustomerInnovations, Frank Capek has written a long article entitled, “Optimizing the Most Critical Elements of the Customer Experience: Customer Choices.”
The best part of it is the section, “Understanding how customers make decisions.”  Capek ends his article saying: “In summary, from a business perspective, the most critical elements of the customer experience involve the choices that customers make:  the choice to buy; the choice to recommend; the choice to continue as a customer.” 

Another long article at The Conference Board, in an article by Sol Hurwitz, “Making Things Simple: The marketing of complexity.,” suggests that the key to “choice overload” is to make things simple, and in the article Hurwitz makes a number of interesting and valuable alternatives.  This is another useful and worthwhile article that pertains to the world of business. 

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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC
    
   

Women have superior leadership traits

One of the lectures I gave toward the end of my career as a basic-course director had to do with leadership in which I provided some of the latest findings regarding gender differences and leadership styles.  At that time — more than fifteen years ago now — the research regarding gender differences was in its infancy; thus, it was more difficult to make the case that Dee Dee Myers makes in her book, Why women should rule the world  (HarperCollins, 2008).  Although her conclusion resides in the title of the book, in this essay I am more interested in the research that supports her conclusion.   

Look at some of the research Myers offers in her book, then you can make up your own mind regarding the strength of female leadership.  Scientists have found structural, chemical, genetic, hormonal, and functional differences in male and female brains, but it is the way these differences affect the way they process language, solve problems, and remember emotional events that, in the end, affect the way they lead. (p. 63) 

From her own experience, Myers commented on the sixteen women in the Senate.  From her observation she states, “Women do seem more interested in consensus.  They do seem less consumed by the constant who’s-up-and-who’s-down score-keeping aspect of the political game.  They do seem more willing to listen to other people’s opinions” (p. 8).  Myers offers one caveat, however, when she says, “That’s not to say that all women fit this model; they don’t” (p. 8). 

“According to studies,” Myers writes later in her book, “men’s self-esteem derives more from their ability to maintain independence from others while women’s self-esteem is maintained, in part, by the ability to sustain intimate relationships” (p. 76). 

The problem that women have — despite the limited amount of progress they are making — is the double standard.  “Male attitudes, ideas, interests, views, values, and voices are the norm.  And since females don’t necessarily share them, it’s still too often seen as proof positive that they don’t quite get it” (p. 41).  Why does this double standard exist?  Because for several millennia women were responsible for raising children and managing domestic matters.  “Public life,” says Myers, “was the province of men, created by and for men.  When women started moving into this traditionally male bastion, they had to take that world as they found it” (p. 41). 

Visit the Catalyst Press Room web site, to read the essay, “Damned or Doomed — Catalyst Study on Gender Stereotyping at Work Uncovers Doublebind Dillemmas for Women.”  The Catalyst research reports that women are viewed by both men and women as better at team building and encouraging others while men are perceived better at influencing superiors, solving problems, and making decisions. 

In another Catalyst study, researchers looked at Fortune 500 companies with the highest representation of women on their boards.  When compared with companies with the fewest women in the board room, these companies performed better financially, had a higher return on equity, a higher return on sales, and a higher return on invested capital as well.   

Myers delineates some of the specific differences researchers have found.  “Research shows there is no gender difference in general intelligence. [but]...Men are better at mathematical problem solving; women are better at mathematical calculation,” Myers writes.  “Men are better at mentally rotating shapes; women are better at visual memory....men and women are exactly the same in terms of average intelligence, and most cluster around the middle of the curve.  But...men show more variation; there are more men at both extremes of the curve; there are more boneheads and more geniuses,” Myers writes on pages 68-69. 

Citing research from Dr. Louann Brizendine’s book, The Female Brain, (Broadway, 2006) Myers notes that at eight weeks following conception, the dose of testosterone that male babies receive “kills off cells in the communication, observation and emotion processing centers of the brain — and growing cells in the sex and aggression centers” (pp. 70-71).  “The areas of men’s brains that control action and aggression are predictably larger....men devote two and a half times the brain space to their sex drives!” (p. 74) 

“According to Brizendine,” Myers writes, “women have ‘outstanding verbal agility, the ability to connect deeply in friendship, a nearly psychic capacity to read faces and tone of voice for emotions and states of mind, the ability to defuse conflict.  All of this is hardwired into the brains of women’” (p. 81). 

With respect to the number of neurons men and women have in their brains, they are the same, however, in the areas important to leadership qualities — those in the areas that control language and hearing — “women have on average 11 percent more neurons than men” (p. 71). 

The way these differences reveal themselves make an important difference.  As noted in a wide variety of research studies, men are more competitive and “according to one study, an astonishing fifty times more competitive,” and women are more cooperative.  Women, Myers notes, are “much more likely to seek consensus and be more concerned with fairness, rather than competition.  Studies show,” Myers writes, “that they take turns twenty times more often than boys.  The relationship — not winning — is the goal” (pp. 71-71). 

An important study at UCLA by Dr. Laura Cousino Klein and Dr. Shelley Taylor on the way men and women manage stress revealed that, “When men are stressed, they get in someone’s face — or retreat into their proverbial caves....Women were more likely to respond to stress in their own way: by hanging out with their kids or talking things over with a friend or family member” (pp. 86-87).  It is a “fight-or-flight” versus a “tend and befriend” set of responses. 

Later in her book, Myers cites studies that show women are better at creating and keeping the peace by “ratcheting down the violence, creating opportunities for reconciliation, and beginning the process of rebuilding” (pp. 110-111).  With respect to violence, men are the primary perpetrators of murder, forcible rape, armed robbery, aggravated assault, fraud, theft, vandalization, arson, and drug use. (p. 120). 

Whether liked or not, stereotypical males are “aggressive, ambitious, assertive, forceful, [and] self-confident” whereas stereotypical females are “helpful, kind, friendly, sympathetic, and affectionate” (p. 149).  Perhaps the key now is to redefine leadership and redefine power.  In the information age in which we are living, fortunately, that is already happening. 

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At the Deccan Herald website, the essay is entitled, “Women paving way for superior leadership roles: KPMG study.”  The opening says: “Organizations are increasingly recognizing that women do bring substantive diversity to company boards in terms of their composition, skill sets and experiences.”  It is an excellent essay reporting important survey results.  Here is one comment from the essay: “KPMG Executive Director Human Resource in India, Sangeeta Singh, said, “Our research evidence reveals that women leaders are self-critical of their own strengths and weaknesses and tend to rebound gracefully from setbacks. They tend to be intuitive crisis managers enabling fair and sound judgment. Further, they drive a democratic and inclusive approach by building an ecosystem and nurturing talent.” 

“As leaders, women rule,” is an essay published at the businessweek.com website,  Rochelle Sharpe in Boston reports, in this excellent essay, that, ''Women are scoring higher on almost everything we look at,'' says Shirley Ross, an industrial psychologist who helped oversee a study performed by Hagberg Consulting Group in Foster City, Calif. Hagberg conducts in-depth performance evaluations of senior managers for its diverse clients, including technology, health care, financial-service, and consumer-goods companies. Of the 425 high-level executives evaluated, each by about 25 people, women execs won higher ratings on 42 of the 52 skills measured.”  This essay is valuable, specific, and definitely worth a read. 

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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Celebrating daily life

Richard Bach is quoted as saying, “Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished.  If you're alive, it isn't.”  “To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else,” said Emily Dickinson.  Grandma Moses said, “Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.”  “To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach.,“ said Havelock Ellis.  Gioacchino Rossini said, “Eating, loving, singing and digesting are, in truth, the four acts of the comic opera known as life, and they pass like bubbles of a bottle of champagne.  Whoever lets them break without having enjoyed them is a complete fool.”   

I find these quotations inspiring, and I end this essay with my own.  But, I must add at this point—an unabashedly blatant commercial—that if you enjoy great quotations, please see my complete collection of over 1600 motivational quotations: SMOERs—Self Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules: Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living (And Then Some Publishing, 2009).  You won’t be disappointed. 

Most often when we think of celebrating, it is just at those special times (e.g., birthdays, Christmas, New Years, athletic victories, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, etc.), and we seldom believe (or think) about celebrating on a daily basis.  What do most of us have to be thankful for?  A brief list may stimulate your thoughts: parents, family, children, health, abundance of resources, liberty and freedom, friends and neighbors, independence, self-sufficiency, and life itself, to name a few. 

So often we overlook what we have to celebrate.  At the web site, The List, it says, “We live in a country where we are free. We are free to participate in the political process without fear. We are free to practice our religion, whatever it may be.  Every child has the opportunity to go to school. And although the economy is bad, we are still living a life that many people in this world can only dream of. We are blessed.”  For most people in this country, this is what we have to celebrate, and, too, is exactly what we overlook. 

At the web site, nwfdailynews.com  and at the end of his essay, “During the holidays, be thankful for what we have,” Buddy Duncan writes: “Each night as I tuck my little girl in I am thankful for the soft cozy bed, the electricity to heat our home, the job and the health with which I can afford the electricity and other needs and comforts. I believe we have so much to be thankful for it is a waste of precious time bemoaning our lacks.” 

We don’t need to wait for tomorrow and the success, affluence, wealth, or riches it may bring. All you need to do is survey your life for your own personal stories, experiences, and joys—the way your life has purpose, the needs that have been satisfied, and the beauties of nature that surround you.  You have a wealth of wonderful stories, experiences, and joys—even if there may be no major successes, affluence, wealth, or riches in your life thus far. 

At the USA Today web site, Gladys Edmunds has written an essay, “Entrepreneurial Tightrope: Things to be thankful for,” in which she lists things anyone in business has to be thankful for (I have condensed her thoughts and used them verbatim here without quotation marks): 1) Be eternally grateful for having a sense of purpose, the guiding light that keeps you motivated to keep on keeping on no matter how rough the road.  2) Be thankful you know that an easy way to reach your larger goals is to set the smaller goals that you can more easily see.  3) Be thankful for keeping negative thoughts out of the way.  4) Be thankful for all of the wonderful books, CDs and articles that help you to keep a positive, upbeat attitude toward life and living and being in business.  5) Be thankful for recognizing that self-confidence like self-esteem is not a steady state; it comes and goes depending on the situation you find yourself in.  6) Be thankful that you recognize the tell-tale signs of imbalance—lack of energy, irritability, over—or under—eating to name a few—and you have scheduled quiet time for yourself to evaluate your situation and implemented the necessary things to get your life back in order.   

There are three more items in the list.  7) Be thankful for the ability to bring people into your life that will lead you to success: mentors, advocates, a coach when needed, good employees and of course the necessary subcontractors to help you have time to yourself.  8) Be thankful you recognize that success depends on consistent learning. And, when you stop learning, you stop living.  9) Be thankful that when opportunities show up you recognize them and seize the opportunity to your advantage. More important, be thankful that even when opportunity seems to have hidden itself from you, you have the good sense to use your creativity to create an opportunity for yourself. 

I have often advocated the need for quiet time, and I have often written about the time I have to myself when I am jogging early in the morning.  These are not just some of the most creative times I experience, but they are times, too, to celebrate what I have learned, appreciate my place in life, and to plan for the day, next week, or even next year.  To carve out just a few moments each day to clear our minds and to think about all that we have to be thankful for are moments of quiet celebration—quiet joy.  Celebration need not be loud, boisterous, animated, exuberant, and noisy.  It is just as purposeful and meaningful when it is restrained, low-key, peaceful—and private. 

And I want to close this essay on celebrating daily life with my own quotation: The beauty of celebrating everyday life is the joy of having a carnival of the spirit, a festival for our frame of mind, and a tribute to our way of thinking that boosts our morale and provides an ongoing force that drives our daily espirit de corps.  Celebrating our daily life may not seem that important; however, it gives each of us a chance to show our appreciation for those things that really matter to us, and daily celebrations remind us of how fortunate, privileged, or simply lucky we are. 

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At PR Log: Free Press Release, the essay is entitled, “Give Thanks! The Gratitude Collection Celebrates I Am So Thankful Month,” and the point of the essay is given in the subheading: “The Gratitude Collection is celebrating National I Am So Thankful Month by offering suggestions on how you can show your gratitude and thankfulness to others.”  There are three great suggestions that allow us all to celebrate everyday thankfulness. 

Marelisa Fabrega, on her Abundance Blog, has an essay, “50 Ways to Celebrate Life Every Day,” in which she wants readers to “establish a goal to celebrate life in some way, however small, every day. Below,” she writes, “you will find a list of 50 simple joys to help remind you to slow down, celebrate life, and enjoy the moment!”  Some are small and trivial, others aren’t, but they are fun suggestions designed for everyday celebrations. 

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Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Take healthy risks for positive rewards

My motto was “Vote for Weaver, he’ll work like a beaver.”  It was a lousy slogan, true, and may have been one of the reasons I failed in my run for student-council president.  Another possible reason for not winning could easily have been that students didn’t want me to be their president!  At the time, I didn’t care the reason.  Of course, I ran against one of the most popular guys in the school and losing was a foregone conclusion (had I really considered it), but I had one heck of a good time making posters and banners, giving speeches, and shaking hands.  I gave it a lot of time and effort. 

At the time I didn’t think of it as a risk, although I stepped far beyond my comfort zone to do it.  Now that I look back, I found the experience to be valuable in both learning and personal growth.  I had never done anything like it before.  From my previous leadership experiences — head of the hall monitors, captain of the junior deputies, leader of my scout troop and my cub scouts as well, president of junior achievement — I realized this experience was just one more on my growth chart.  I really believed I had the interest of students at heart, and there were some changes I wanted to work on during my term — giving students more freedom and responsibility.  Also, I never thought about failure.  Even when I failed, I didn’t look back.  It had no immediate effect on me.  (Long term, it gave me an essay topic some 50 years hence!) 

Until now I haven’t reflected on the whole experience.  By challenging what was, looking to what could be, and having a healthy disregard for the impossible, I truly thought I could make a difference in the students’ world and in that of those people around me.  I thought big.  A risk taker — and I certainly didn’t think of myself as one at the time — challenges his or her comfort zone and becomes comfortable being uncomfortable.  

One of the things about running for student-council president that stands out in my mind is all the preparation that went into it.  I remember, for example, that all my friends who supported me had examined the situation and thought I could win.  We began early, even before my chief competitor (and winner) entered the race.  We knew the risk of losing, however, all of us thought the challenge and the run would be fun — there was really nothing to lose except, perhaps, our pride, but a loss of pride never entered our mind.  We were young; who cared? 

It was the group as a whole that clarified the objectives of the campaign, agreed on the slogan I came up with, evaluated basic approaches we needed to take, and decided on me to spearhead the movement — as the one most willing (or stupid enough!) to take the risk.   We planned the posters, designed banners, prepared small business cards with the slogan to hand out, even decided where we would stand around the school (covering all the exits) to hand out the cards and shake hands.  The strategy was a saturation campaign so everyone would at least know who I was.  Not a great deal of thought was given to campaign promises, the need for change, or any kind of campaign platform, and that, indeed, may have been one of our weaknesses.  These latter three items were to be handled solely in the campaign speech. 

Implementation was simple.  The group (there were about 5-10 of us) worked together on the strategy, and each member of the group was given a job to do with respect to advertising — seeking permission to hang the banner, obtaining janitorial help (a ladder) to hang it, getting the posters and business cards finished and then putting them up and handing them out.  Other members of the group worked on the campaign speech.  All of us looked at the entire experience as an adventure, not as a set of risks.  “Risks” were never a consideration.  To complete the adventure, we all looked forward to the action forthcoming. 

Part of any true risk-taking experience, too, is evaluation.  If you are to learn anything from what has taken place, some assessment must occur.  What did you do that was right or that worked?  Where did the campaign go wrong or what didn’t work?  Where could the entire experience have been improved?  That is, what could you have done better?  What could you have done that you didn’t do?  Overall assessment may be helpful as well.  Given what you know now, how might you approach such a situation differently?  Did you achieve the goals you set for yourself?  What were the obstacles, and how could you overcome them in the future? 

There were several important learnings that emerged from my run for student-council president.  First, and this is supported by research, I never regretted the effort.  A report in the journal Psychological Science reveals that whether you miss achieving a goal by a little or a lot, you won’t lament going after it nearly as much as you think you will.  The failures from risk-taking behavior, for the most part, don’t last long with respect to regret, sorrow, sadness, disappointment, or residual unhappiness. 

The second set of learnings from my run for president is that I still got a great learning experience, I still got the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I tried doing something,
and I still got the knowledge of how to do something.  My mind was now freed up to start working on other things.  As a kid, I was never a slacker; I always had things to do; and I always worked hard at whatever I tried. 

From this experience — and other similar risk-taking adventures — I have some advice for those who want to increase their ability at taking risks.  First, approach any risk with a positive mental attitude and strong positive expectations.  You must slay the dragons of negativity as soon as you notice them creeping in. Take any risk with an intensely strong belief that you will succeed. 

Second, if you approach any risk with a success mindset and the right mental attitude, more often than not you are going to succeed.  You will be amazed at the resources you are able to assemble — your own and those of others — to make success possible. 

Third, if the risk you are planning to take (or are currently engaged in) is not right for you, you will start noticing your intuition giving you certain messages (e.g., warnings, more information, barriers, etc.) about it that will help you make the right decision. 

The important thing to remember when it comes to taking risks is that you live life only once.  Life is too short to be wasted on things you don't want to do or on things that you have done over and over.  That’s how comfort zones develop.  You don't need to live on the sidelines. Trying to achieve new goals, cross fresh barriers, or develop new skills, will broaden your horizons, generate new knowledge, and expand your repertoire of options and alternatives.  With such results there will be no regrets, and you will die knowing that you did the best you could. Start now taking healthy risks.  If you believe you can, you can. 

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Frances Lefkowitz, at wholeliving.com, has an excellent essay entitled, “The importance of taking risks.” At the end of her essay, Lefkowitz discusses “The Rewards of Risk,” and ends her essay saying, “Perhaps the most immediate benefit of risk is that it's simply plain fun. Neuroscientists explain this bliss with biochemistry: New, challenging, and risky activities trigger the release of dopamine, a feel-good neurotransmitter that's part of the brain's reward system. Call it the ultimate antidote to boredom -- it's the best way I know of to wake up and feel fully and ecstatically alive.”  Lefkowitz also has an essay on “Risk-Taking Tips."


At Accessmy library.com, Mary R. Rolison and Abraham Scherman, have a sophisticated essay entitled, “College student risk-taking from three perspectives.,” that I found both fascinating and enlightening.  Rolison and Scherman stated at the outset, “With so many college students taking risks involving so many negative consequences, it would be beneficial to have one general model or framework from which to understand college student risk-taking behavior,” but three were discussed, and no single unifying theory was proposed in the portion available online.  First, “one theory indicates that individual traits, such as self-esteem, social skills, impulse control, sensation-seeking, and locus of control, may explain risk-taking.”  Second, “problem-behavior theory has been offered as a way to explain risk-taking in adolescents and young adults.  Problem behavior theory looks at risk-taking from a developmental and personal environment interaction perspective.”  Third, “college student risk-taking could also be explained from the decision-making perspective. Furby and Beyth-Marom have proposed that adolescents may not be capable of competent decision-making.” 

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Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Blind spots in early dating often jeopardize the ability to make proper decisions

Just as I had completed my essay on “Judging Others,” and how important it is to be aware of our limitations, I read an article by Kaja Perina (the editor of the magazine) in Psychology Today (January/February, 2007) entitled “Love’s Loopy Logic,” which explained the reasons why our ability to judge others is so limited — a situation in which Perina explains, “it sometimes pays to deceive ourselves.”   I have borrowed some of the language and many of the observations in this essay from that article, and I have, for the most part, refrained from using quotation marks simply because of the distraction that often causes.  The ideas in this essay belong to Kaja Perina, and I owe her a debt of gratitude for her insights.  Read her essay. 

You [the reader] will best profit from [at the very least, identify with] the observations in this essay if you can transport yourself back to the time when you were trolling for the wit, kindness, curiosity, intelligence, and “chemistry” that would allow you to make the proper decision regarding a future mate.  It is often within the parameters of such a quest that an explanation for the limitations of our observations and judgments can best be understood.  Perina casts both her observations and descriptions within the broad rubric of “mating intelligence,” which, she explains, is as oxymoronic as the term suggests. 

The key sentences in Perina’s article are, “We’ve all got blind spots about the opposite sex.  And sometimes that’s for the best.” 

The first blind spot occurs very early in the dating experience when men are wooing by grossly exaggerating their income, commitment, and affection for the opposite sex, and, despite the outlandish hyperbole, women are accurately gauging their date’s personality.   The blind spot occurs in the report of what occurred.  For example, if males have a great first date it is likely they will disclose more interest in themselves by their date than females are likely to describe.  Women, on the other hand, are likely to give an account that men are interested in no-strings-attached sex than is likely to be the case. 

Geoffrey Miller, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of New Mexico, labels these very early meetings as a “never-ending arms race of romantic skepticism and excess.”  Glenn Geher, an associate professor of psychology at SUNY at New Paltz, who, with Miller, has edited a volume on mating intelligence, comes to the conclusion that women who are skeptical of men’s intentions are almost always better off than women who spend hours deconstructing the first date.  For women, Geher suggests, using the rule that “men are always pigs,” will more likely result in finding honest, committed, and long-term-seeking males. 

A second blind spot, and one, too, that contributes significantly to the first one described above, is how males and females see the world through their own deeply skewed lenses.  This has less to do with minds set in mating mode, than it has to do with everyday perceptions.  Role play once again, and you are likely to see the problem.  Pretend your date is both powerful and beautiful.  Isn’t it likely that along with these features you imbue him or her with personal and intellectual qualities he or she is unlikely to possess? —smart, intuitive, creative, knowledgeable, gifted, and talented?  In addition, in such a situation, you overestimate your own abilities [after all, you have attracted a powerful and beautiful date!] and downgrade the importance of any skills that elude you. 

There is a third blind spot, too, that results from gender-related characteristics.  When I describe it, you will quickly agree, I’m sure, but what this bias does is tend to obscure other possibilities.  Men scan potential mates for sexiness and availability while women scavenge for clues to personality and commitment readiness.  Men are not looking for intelligence, creativity, curiosity, talent, or sense of humor.  If they find any of these characteristics, of course, it is simply icing on the sexy and available cake they desire.   

That is precisely why women are likely to be more accurate and realistic when it comes to looking for relationship partners.  They look for the things that will secure the foundation of relationships and better predict longevity such as a man’s character, trustworthiness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability.  Their judgment of a male’s commitment readiness may be inaccurate [males often lie about this to increase a woman’s sexiness and availability]; however, despite the static, at least females’ antennae are attuned to the proper station. 

The fourth blind spot is embellishment.  When all goes well early in a relationship, both partners tend to embellish the other.  Many call this the “infatuation stage” of dating.  The positive experiences the two of you have tends to turn up the volume on the traits you love.  Your date becomes the best-looking guy in his family, or the unheralded star of her office.   Faby Gagn , a research consultant and visiting scholar at Wellesley College, found that 95 percent of people think their paramour is above average in appearance, intelligence, warmth, and sense of humor.  There is a great deal of wisdom reflected in these observations, of course.  Not only does this help confirm a mate’s knowledge that he or she has struck romantic gold, but it, too, increases their own self-esteem for having found a mate of this caliber.  Gagn  discovered that when partners feel their mate has such outstanding qualities they are more satisfied with their relationship and more committed to their mate. 

The fifth blind spot, in a sense, justifies (more than some others) the basic premise of Perina’s article, that it sometimes pays to have blind spots. Self-deception is an equal opportunity bias. She says that the kind of positive illusions illustrated in the paragraph above help us marvel at our mates, overlook irritating or noxious behaviors (especially when a relationship split jeopardizes children, finances, or status), and make exceptions for aberrant or unjustified actions, especially when it is likely to bring on the alternative: uncertainty, distrust, and fractured loyalties.  Without the fifth blind spot, there is likely to be paranoia, heartache, and paralysis. 

Fortunately for most males and females, their goals, in the end, are overlapping.  Both want stable relationships in which to raise children.  Women, however, tend to want an earlier commitment than men.  But when the female-male tracks converge in commitment, the early biases often fade into the background, and males and females begin to share important goals, the most important of which is preserving the relationship. 

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At the Relationship Saver Blog, there are four wonderful, informative, and provocative essays that treat the blind spots people face in relationships—all written from different perspectives. 

The essay located at the Psychology Today website, entitled, “ Marriage Help: Rear and Side View Mirrors,” (January 23, 2009) ends with the paragraph: “Adjusting for your blind spots in emotional interactions has to be intentional, just as you have to intentionally adjust the rear and side view mirrors of your car. If you drive on automatic pilot on the road or in your relationships, your blind spots will lead you to disaster. Putting a little care and effort in your blind spot adjustments will get you where you want to go.” 

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Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

In judging others, we need to be aware of our limitations

Because I taught students how to be effective persuaders, I was often asked, “Why couldn’t someone take the exact persuasive techniques that you teach and use them the way Hitler used them in Germany more than sixty years ago?”  The answer is: “They certainly could!”  When you teach persuasion, you either teach ethics (what ethical behavior involves) or you assume that those learning the persuasive techniques will use them ethically.  Perhaps the key is to screen students first to make certain they know the difference between right and wrong, have the proper value system in place, and that their past standards of behavior are irreproachable. 

Everyone reading this knows the impossibility of such a test of principles.  But the reason I have proposed such an examination of students’ right-minded conduct is that even if students were to pass such an assessment and the appraisal turned out to be first-rate, and even if you combined such an appraisal with additional corroborating evidence from friends and family, you still could not make an accurate prediction about how these top rated individuals might behave in specific circumstances. 

The point is simply that it is not easy to assess the character of a person.  Here is a close, personal example, although the names have been changed.  Jason came from a Christian family.  His parents were missionaries abroad, and Leesa knew Jason throughout junior and senior high school.  He was the school’s athletic star (outstanding in every sport), and she was captain of the cheerleaders.  Even Leesa’s parents, who knew the family and Jason for many years would have given Jason a strong, positive reference.  Leesa and Jason married; Jason physically abused Leesa; they were soon divorced.   

In another instance, Emily was an outstanding high school student and voted head of student council.  Jacob was a star basketball player.  Jacob, like Jason, came from a religious family.  Both his parents were teachers; the father was a basketball coach at the local high school.   Emily and Jacob were introduced through friends, dated, and, finally, married.  Jacob, as it turned out, was a frequent user of pornography, a thief, a child abuser, and a chronic liar.  Because of these traits and a deceptive lifestyle, Emily and Jacob divorced. 

There is a third similar example as well.  Ethan and Ashley were both members of the high-school band.  They had gotten to know each other because they went to the same church.  Everyone knew both Ethan’s and Ashley’s parents as respectable, upstanding members of the community.  Ethan played drums in the high school pep band, and Ashley, an outstanding athlete, always saw Ethan at her sporting events.  Some interest was sparked between the two as they would hang out together after games.  Interest led to dating, dating led to marriage, and the marriage ended in divorce.  Why?  Ethan abused Ashley emotionally, preferred being single to being married, was too closely tied to his parents, and never seriously considered the importance of either a family or spiritual life. 

We often make decisions about people in real life based on insufficient evidence.  For example, talk to people about whom they voted for and why.  Often, they choose to vote for someone because they like how they look, they hear an insignificant comment made to them about the person by a friend, or they listen to their candidate respond to a reporter’s question in a way that pleases them.  The point of the three examples in the paragraphs above is that even when you think you know someone and even when you think you have sufficient evidence to judge their character, you don’t. 

In most cases in life, we decide who we like or dislike for no good reason.  It is truly an unfair decision based on little or no evidence.  But, if we waited until we knew everything about someone before we made up our mind, we would spend much of our time with no commitments to anyone—in relationship limbo.  Not only do we not have access to the kind of information we need to make up our minds, but even when we think we have gathered sufficient evidence to confirm a decision, the person behaves in such a way as to counter our judgment—totally repudiating not just our evidence but our ability to root out the essential information we need. 

In a class I once taught I had a female student, I’ll call her Samantha, who was talkative, aggressive, and dominating.  When I entered the classroom, Samantha was always talking, showing off, and grandstanding.  When I asked for volunteers, her hand was always the first to be raised, and I had to be careful to give other students a chance to answer questions, or she would have answered them all.  Samantha’s classmates did not particularly like her, but they tolerated her because, it seemed to them, it was better to stay on her good side than offend her in any way.  After the first examination in the course, I realized that Samantha could be the smartest student in class.  Other quizzes and examinations confirmed the first one, and her final paper for the course was one of the best I had ever read.  For all of her “negative” characteristics, Samantha loved the class, thought my approach to it was outstanding, and was the top scholastic student. 

We are all faced with this same dilemma about character.  For all of Samantha’s aggression and dominance, she was the brightest and most capable student in the class.  In another instance, I had what appeared to me to be a bright, capable, charming student who often came up after lecture to discuss something I said, a controversial issue, or a point of view he wanted to share.  It was precisely this student who a graduate teaching assistant discovered submitting the paper of a previous student in class as his own, proving that affability does not relate to one’s moral standards.  It’s the old aphorism that, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”  My contention is that you can’t even necessarily judge a book by the book itself—the book doesn’t always contain enough information or the right information.  Even if it is the “right” information, it may not even hold true in all circumstances.  After all, presidents Thomas Jefferson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy had secrets which would not have increased their popularity if the facts had been made public. 

Perhaps the issue comes down to the judgments we make of others.  Maybe the best idea is to judge them only on the one, single area of their life that we are able to see or hear, and make certain that our communication of that judgment reflects our limitations.  We can’t judge people based on the sum totals of their personality because not only do we not have those totals, but we will never have them. 

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At the website The Well, the very brief (five paragraph) essay, “On the foolishness of judging others,” puts everything in perspective—quickly! 

At The Splintered Mind website, there is an essay by guest blogger, Hagop Sarkissian , entitled “Judging others: When it’s bad, it’s worse than you think,” that will really make you think.  The comments that follow the essay are, too, profound, interesting, and even challenging. 

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Copyright November, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
    
    
   

Communication competence builds on competence

Having taught speech communication for thirty years, one question students raised on a continuing basis was “What is communication competence?”  A related question was “How do I know if I am a competent communicator?”  You see, most people already think they are competent communicators; thus, the underlying purpose of such questions is “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why don’t I measure up?” 

The most important reason that competent communication is important is because it has been proven to aid in gaining success in a wide range of social and occupational situations.  It is a process through which interpersonal impressions are shaped and satisfactory outcomes are derived from an interaction.  So, the real question becomes, how often do you offer others the impression you intend and derive the outcome you want? 

In this essay, I will define the characteristics perceived to comprise competent communication.  There are five. 

Low anxiety is the first one.  To be competent, communicators should not reveal excessive perspiration, shakiness, a rigid posture, vocal tremors, or a minimal response to others.  Being fearful, scared, or excessively worried about a job interview, a speech, or a forthcoming confrontation can produce anxiety.  Some anxiety is expected, of course.  As-a-matter-of-fact, some anxiety is valuable because it can drive an animated, passionate, vibrancy that may not occur otherwise.  In my experience I have found the tingle of anxiety both energizing and motivational. 

The second characteristic of competent communicators is immediacy.  Those who practice immediacy show interest in other people.  They are attentive and engage in the positive reinforcement of others and their ideas. 

You have probably been in the presence of another person who gives you their full and undivided attention when you talk with them.  When my wife and I were shopping for a foyer ceiling fan, we visited a store that specialized in them.  Upon entering, I noticed the sales clerk approach and stand before my wife, asking her if there was anything she could do for her.  The signs of immediacy were obvious.  She stood physically close to her.  She had an open and direct body posture.  She revealed positive reinforcers such as smiling, nodding, and eye contact.  And when my wife explained what she was looking for, all the sales clerk’s gestures were strong, effective, and animated. 

The third area of competent behaviors is expressiveness.  People who reveal expressiveness are perceived to be involved and animated in both their use of words and in their nonverbal behaviors.  Ask yourself, what is it about a communicator that holds your attention, that embeds the essential message in your consciousness, and that causes you to be convinced by the message?  Often, it is expressiveness. 

When I conducted an informal survey of students, I found out that teachers who demonstrated appropriate emotion and volume, who laughed and smiled, who used appropriate gestures, postures, and facial expressions, but did not know their subject well, were more desired as instructors, than those who knew their subject extremely well but could not (or did not) deliver the material as effectively.  These informal results revealed to me that students preferred expressiveness (effectiveness in delivery) over competence in subject matter.   

These informal results make sense when you consider that students cannot really judge subject competence, but they are not only effective judges of expressiveness, they require strong and effective expressiveness to hold their attention and to make a subject interesting.     

The fourth characteristic of competent communicators is interaction management.  The effective management of communication requires order.  The obvious question is, “What do two individuals who are trying to create order in their interactions do?”  Each is trying to gain the desired response from the other person; thus, each needs to solicit the cooperation of the other person in obtaining the goal—a goal that cannot be attained alone. 

Those who manage their interactions are interested in maintaining some control over their communication.  First, they see the relationship between communication and rewards (getting what they want).  Second, they monitor their communication in relation to the goals they seek.  Third, as they gain new information about how the other person responds to what they say and do, they adjust their communication.  At the same time interaction managers are respectful of others and enable them to achieve their goals, too, where possible, and allow room for their expressive behavior. 

Sometimes interaction management is easy.  Conversing is comfortable, interruptions feel natural, there are few awkward pauses, and the indications of when to speak are clear.  Sometimes, however, it is difficult; conversing is uncomfortable, there are unnatural interruptions, numerous awkward pauses, and you find yourself stepping on the other’s lines. 

The final characteristic of communication competence is other orientation.  Other orientation is the complete antithesis of a “me orientation” where everything revolves entirely around the communicator alone.  When you are in the presence of people who possess a strong other orientation, they will adapt to your needs, express empathy and concern for your feelings, listen well, and provide relevant feedback to you during the conversation. 

These five characteristics provide a fairly broad foundation; however, if you consider them overall goals to be achieved, you will find the important perception, listening, feedback, language, and nonverbal skills necessary for moving closer to achieving them on a regular basis.  The nice thing is that awareness of these five characteristics that can establish a solid and inter-personally competent foundation and as you gain more experience — especially positive, supportive, and rewarding results — you will have constructive, practical, and productive personal examples that you can use to build an even more competent future.  That is why it can be said that competence helps build greater competence. 

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The title on the page reads, “Communication Competence: The Essence of Aligning Action,” and in the short essay there by Richard D. Rowley,  you will find five characteristics discussed: 1) commitment and good faith, 2) empathy, 3) flexibility, 4) sensitivity to consequences, and 5) adeptness.  It is an informative little essay with a useful chart explaining the interrelationship of the parts. 

At the NCLRC (The National Capital Language Resource Center), there is an essay entitled, “Teaching Goals and Methods — Goal: Communicative Competence.”  It is a short essay that discusses: “Communicative competence [as] made up of four competence areas: linguistic, sociolinguistic, discourse, and strategic.” 

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Copyright October, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC