"’Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness ‘ is one of the most famous phrases in the United States Declaration of Independence. These three aspects are listed among the ‘inalienable rights’ of man.” So begins the entry entitled “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” at Wikipedia.org. I wonder if most people think this is an inalienable right and, thus, should be handed to them (on a silver platter), or, does this free each individual to engage in an ephemeral [anything lasting for a very short time] search for emotional fulfillment?
What is happiness? “Happiness is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy,” according to Wikipedia. The Wikipedia definition goes on to explain the various approaches taken toward defining and explaining happiness whether they be philosophical, religious, psychological, or biological and to identify its sources. Most of us don’t need to understand such approaches; most of us know what happiness is and, too, how good it feels to have it when it occurs.
“Research,” according to Wikipedia, “has identified a number of correlates with happiness. These include religious involvement, parenthood, marital status, age, income, and proximity to other happy people.” What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another and, sometimes, you can possess all of the correlates and still not be happy! You may ask, “What’s that all about?
I know of a person, for example, who wallows in unhappiness. He has constructed an unhappy life for himself, and he actually works at making life miserable for those around him. Victories and successes (if they occur) are always tainted with “Yes, but..,” “Well, if I had only..., or, “Consider the source” — always diminished, lessened, moderated, or dismissed by a cynical, disparaging, demeaning, or denigrating comment. He is ruthlessly morose, recklessly gloomy, unconscionably despondent, and, otherwise, ill-tempered and irritable.
At Stepcase Lifehack, there is an essay entitled, “9 Tips in Life that Lead to Happiness,” and after making it clear to yourself what it is that will bring happiness, Leon Ho offers 8 other tips: 1) “Make a plan for attaining goals that you believe will make you happy.” 2) “Surround yourself with happy people.” 3) “When something goes wrong try to figure out a solution instead of wallowing in self pity.” 4) “Spend a few minutes each day thinking about the things that make you happy.” 5) “It’s also important to take some time each day to do something nice for yourself. 6) “Finding the humor in situations can also lead to happiness.” 7) “Maintaining your health is another way to achieve happiness.” 8) “Finally, it is important to understand that you deserve happiness.”
At the Dumb Little Man: Tips for Life website, David B. Bohl has written an essay entitled, “Four Steps to Achieve Happiness, Fulfillment, and Success in Your Life,” in which he says: 1) Visualize where you’ve been in your life, 2) Take responsibility for your actions, 3) Learn all you can in life, and 4) Appreciate what others bring into your life.
The “On Not Being a Sausage” website, Diedre Good has written an essay, “How to Achieve Happiness,” in which she briefly discusses the program for happiness followed by “the happiest person in the world,” (labeled that by the BBC), Matthieu Ricard, a Buddhist monk. “First, a sense of direction is very important,” Good writes. “A sense of flourishing comes from inside, where the mind translates all the circumstances. This gives inner strength and freedom. Genuine happiness comes from altruistic love, inner peace, and not on external circumstances such as things that give us pleasure like meals with friends. Putting hopes and fears outside of us is ultimately disappointing.”
Good goes on to say, “Cultivate inner love and peace and genuine compassion. This involves training....” “Of course the mind will wander, but bring it back gently without recrimination. Our aim is to practice compassion and wisdom. Wisdom is so as to free others from suffering....‘ “We learn to deal with negative toxins or emotions. Look at anger and stop fueling it as if it were a fire and it will vanish....” And Good concludes by saying, “When the brain is practicing loving kindness, it generates positive emotions.”
At one website, Solve Your Problem.com, Jeff Cohen, in his essay, “How Do You Achieve Happiness...Really?” says happiness appears as easy to achieve as changing your attitude: “Be happy, thankful, and contented. Count your blessings now. You will be surprised at how much has already been given and provided to you.
“Pay attention and focus on your blessings. Be thankful of the small things in life. Be happy that you wake up each day and see the sunrise. Be happy that you have a comfortable bed, nutritious food on the table, a reliable car that you use to go to the office, and family or friends around you. Appreciate the things that you usually take for granted and feel instant happiness. Do this first thing in the morning and the rest of the day will be bright..”
When you enter “how to achieve happiness?” (without the quotation marks) in the Google search window, you will get over 500,000 websites with suggestions that range from meditation to books on happiness, from serving others to living honorable and true, from pursuing Truth to developing compassion. The point isn’t the number of websites nor the specific suggestions, the point is that wherever you are in life, whatever your circumstances, numerous suggestions and a great deal of advice is available at the click of your mouse.
To say, “I just don’t know how to be happy,” is a comment that reeks of naivete. Nobody is going to hand you happiness, and nobody can make you happy. It is an internal process over which you have complete control. All you have to do now is make yourself happy!
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At Life Optimizer, Donald Latumahina has written an essay entitled, “Finding Happiness: 20 Ways to Achieve Happiness in Life.” His 20 suggestions are practical and realistic
At Ezine articles.com , there is a terrific, short essay, by Rebecca Olkowski, “3 Survival Tips to Achieve Happiness When You Are Living With Negativity,” in which she suggests: 1) Get help immediately, 2) Work to achieve your own happiness, and 3) Work on your inner happiness.
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Copyright May, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Looking back over my lifetime, these have been my “eureka” moments
Being a writer I have spent many hours looking back over my life. It hasn’t been a question of what I would do differently as much as a situation of analyzing and writing about what took place. It is more about establishing historical markers than about mentally reconstructing the past— although, I admit, I do a little of both. In this essay I want to highlight those events in my life that did not just happen but that changed the way I did things. They are my “eureka” moments.
I am aided in my quest by an article in USA Today (May 20, 2007), by Byron Acohido, Jim Hopkins, Jefferson Graham, and Michelle Kessler entitled “25 years of ‘eureka’ moments.” In their article, they present and briefly discuss the top 25 life-changing inventions.
Now, I have to admit — although I don’t like doing this — that I am slow to change. I prefer my comfort zones because they are safe, secure, and require no new learning. For me, my comfort zones protect my routines, plans, methods, customs, and habits. When my pattern is predictable, I do not have to spend time thinking about how to do something; all I have to do is plug in the new content. I like my typical, everyday, commonplace activities, and I protect them.
This admission — that I’m slow to change — will explain why much of the technology that has been introduced over the past 25 years has not taken root in my activities. For example, some of the top “life-changing inventions” according to the authors of the USA Today article, are not included in my list: cellphones (my wife and I have them, even though I seldom use mine), laptop computers (because I am not “on the road” for my work, and I do not take a computer with me on vacations), and blackberrys, iPods, iPads, or any similar devices. (Unlike Barack Obama, I have no need for a mobile e-mail device nor the bells and whistles (apps) they offer, since I spend most of my time at home writing at my desktop computer).
These were the authors’ top three “eureka” moments. Others were iPods (the iconic portable digital music player), digital cameras, flat-panel TVs, online stock trading, TiVo (the digital device that allows subscribers to record their favorite TV shows and to view them without advertisements), home satellite TV, and karaoke. None of these, too, make my list, although I have to say that may not be true in the future.
When I wrote this essay, blogging was not part of my life. Now, I have to include blogs and blogging as a eureka moment because it is currently part of AndThenSomeWorks.com, a website (that did not exist when I originally wrote this essay) that promotes and discusses products (primarily books) designed for sale by And Then Some Publishing, LLC. I was brought (kicking and screaming) into this aspect of new technological developments — but only when dragged in at the hands of concerned family members! As a “eureka” moment, it now falls somewhere within the list offered below.
Here, then, is a list of my “eureka” moments over my lifetime. Interestingly, the first four are technology related. I list them in order, and I offer a brief discussion of their importance to me as justification for their inclusion on my list.
The first and most influential “eureka” moment in my lifetime was, indeed, technology oriented. It was the invention of the Word Processor which allowed me, as a writer, to move from a typewriter to a computer screen. For me, this occurred in 1985. And in that change the three most important aspects involved, first, the ability to easily move large pieces of information from place to place within a manuscript (“cut and paste”), the ease of pressing on the keys to get an impression, and, third, the ability to produce an error-free manuscript.
The second most influential “eureka” moment in my lifetime was also technology related. It was the invention of the Internet. Yes, it has value as an important entertainment alternative, and, yes, it yields tremendous benefits in maintaining contact with others. For me, however, the most important feature is its use in researching (searching out) ideas and information. Never before has so much information been so available so quickly.
The third most influential “eureka” moment, also technology related, had a direct, but secondary, effect on me. PowerPoint changed public speaking forever. Although I have never made use of it, I have had to write about it in all of my communication textbooks; thus, I had to learn it well enough to explain it to readers. Because it allows speakers from CEOs to sixth-graders, to display topic headings, charts, and animation with the click of a mouse, it has become not just a dominant, but an overwhelming, force in presentational public speaking.
Because I love moview, the fourth most influential “eureka” moment is the invention of DVDs. As DVDs were being released, and as my family rented them for home viewing, I watched in the rental venues as DVDs slowly acquired more space, and the space devoted to VHS rentals plummeted. Then DVDs began to fade as direct downloading of movies took place. A whole generation of technology swept through like a brisk wind.
A related invention, CDs, also had a major influence. I had a very large (500 plus) collection of 45s, and my LPs numbered close to 500 hundred as well; thus, replacing my collection with CDs took some time; however, I have now acquired most of the recordings I am interested in. Then my wife bought me a music center which allowed me to transfer my LPs to CDs, and now my CD collection far surpasses that of my former record collections—and is soon likely to be replaced by MP3s (but only after a great deal more kicking and screaming).
For my fifth “eureka” moment, it took me awhile to finally convert, but it happened suddenly on one of our many vacations. Instead of pumping gas then proceeding into the station to pay the cashier, I used my credit card at the pump. The saved time is what affected me most, but the ease of the process, too, convinced me that my fifth most influential “eureka” moment had to be the invention of “pay at the pump.”
Lettuce in a bag is my sixth most influential “eureka” moment. My wife and I eat a lot of salads. When the garden isn’t producing lettuce, we depend on lettuce in a bag. The variety is outstanding, the quality is superb, and the cleanliness has been proven over and over.
My seventh “eureka” moment—and most recent—is microwaveable popcorn. What’s odd about this choice is that I wrote an earlier essay on popcorn in which I talked about how I prepare and season it. The problem is the time it takes to do that. When I am writing, have other tasks to complete, and feel pressured to produce, I find microwaveable popcorn to be a godsend. It is tasty, nutritious, and fast— pops entirely during one commercial break! (As I updated this essay for current posting, I have to admit that several weeks ago I purchased another 50-pound bag of popcorn kernels—so, even though I sometimes use microwave popcorn, I kick and scream and cook it the old-fashioned way as much as I can.
It was Archimedes, the Greek mathematician, physicist, and engineer who, having made a discovery or created a new machine, forgot himself and ran around the town, butt naked, shouting “Eureka! Eureka!” I never ran around shouting “Eureka! Eureka!,” but I kick and scream a lot. It’s amazing how drums seldom beat and bugles never blare, but the effect is the same; the effect of these changes, alone, has been immeasurable.
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What are the top ten eureka moments in history? Find them listed and discussed at the Science Channel website, . It states, “... These stories represent times when inspiration struck like a bolt out of the blue and the world was changed by that eureka... that, or these scientists are just the ones with the best P.R.” They are: 1) special relativity, 2) alternating current, 3) nerve impulses transmitted chemically, 4) Archimedes and the Golden Crown, 5) television, 6) PCR (the way a small amount of DNA can be exponentially amplified), 7) coordinate geometry, 8) microwave oven, 9) Velcro, and 10) Post-It Notes. Don’t agree? What would you add or subtract from the list?
At the Newsweek website, Sharon Begley has a terrific essay on how the brain produces these “Eureka” moments, entitled, not surprisingly, “Eureka! How the Brain has 'Aha' Moments.”
Want to read the article that spawned my essay? Read, “Twenty-five Years of Eureka Moments,” at USA Today.
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Copyright May, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
I am aided in my quest by an article in USA Today (May 20, 2007), by Byron Acohido, Jim Hopkins, Jefferson Graham, and Michelle Kessler entitled “25 years of ‘eureka’ moments.” In their article, they present and briefly discuss the top 25 life-changing inventions.
Now, I have to admit — although I don’t like doing this — that I am slow to change. I prefer my comfort zones because they are safe, secure, and require no new learning. For me, my comfort zones protect my routines, plans, methods, customs, and habits. When my pattern is predictable, I do not have to spend time thinking about how to do something; all I have to do is plug in the new content. I like my typical, everyday, commonplace activities, and I protect them.
This admission — that I’m slow to change — will explain why much of the technology that has been introduced over the past 25 years has not taken root in my activities. For example, some of the top “life-changing inventions” according to the authors of the USA Today article, are not included in my list: cellphones (my wife and I have them, even though I seldom use mine), laptop computers (because I am not “on the road” for my work, and I do not take a computer with me on vacations), and blackberrys, iPods, iPads, or any similar devices. (Unlike Barack Obama, I have no need for a mobile e-mail device nor the bells and whistles (apps) they offer, since I spend most of my time at home writing at my desktop computer).
These were the authors’ top three “eureka” moments. Others were iPods (the iconic portable digital music player), digital cameras, flat-panel TVs, online stock trading, TiVo (the digital device that allows subscribers to record their favorite TV shows and to view them without advertisements), home satellite TV, and karaoke. None of these, too, make my list, although I have to say that may not be true in the future.
When I wrote this essay, blogging was not part of my life. Now, I have to include blogs and blogging as a eureka moment because it is currently part of AndThenSomeWorks.com, a website (that did not exist when I originally wrote this essay) that promotes and discusses products (primarily books) designed for sale by And Then Some Publishing, LLC. I was brought (kicking and screaming) into this aspect of new technological developments — but only when dragged in at the hands of concerned family members! As a “eureka” moment, it now falls somewhere within the list offered below.
Here, then, is a list of my “eureka” moments over my lifetime. Interestingly, the first four are technology related. I list them in order, and I offer a brief discussion of their importance to me as justification for their inclusion on my list.
The first and most influential “eureka” moment in my lifetime was, indeed, technology oriented. It was the invention of the Word Processor which allowed me, as a writer, to move from a typewriter to a computer screen. For me, this occurred in 1985. And in that change the three most important aspects involved, first, the ability to easily move large pieces of information from place to place within a manuscript (“cut and paste”), the ease of pressing on the keys to get an impression, and, third, the ability to produce an error-free manuscript.
The second most influential “eureka” moment in my lifetime was also technology related. It was the invention of the Internet. Yes, it has value as an important entertainment alternative, and, yes, it yields tremendous benefits in maintaining contact with others. For me, however, the most important feature is its use in researching (searching out) ideas and information. Never before has so much information been so available so quickly.
The third most influential “eureka” moment, also technology related, had a direct, but secondary, effect on me. PowerPoint changed public speaking forever. Although I have never made use of it, I have had to write about it in all of my communication textbooks; thus, I had to learn it well enough to explain it to readers. Because it allows speakers from CEOs to sixth-graders, to display topic headings, charts, and animation with the click of a mouse, it has become not just a dominant, but an overwhelming, force in presentational public speaking.
Because I love moview, the fourth most influential “eureka” moment is the invention of DVDs. As DVDs were being released, and as my family rented them for home viewing, I watched in the rental venues as DVDs slowly acquired more space, and the space devoted to VHS rentals plummeted. Then DVDs began to fade as direct downloading of movies took place. A whole generation of technology swept through like a brisk wind.
A related invention, CDs, also had a major influence. I had a very large (500 plus) collection of 45s, and my LPs numbered close to 500 hundred as well; thus, replacing my collection with CDs took some time; however, I have now acquired most of the recordings I am interested in. Then my wife bought me a music center which allowed me to transfer my LPs to CDs, and now my CD collection far surpasses that of my former record collections—and is soon likely to be replaced by MP3s (but only after a great deal more kicking and screaming).
For my fifth “eureka” moment, it took me awhile to finally convert, but it happened suddenly on one of our many vacations. Instead of pumping gas then proceeding into the station to pay the cashier, I used my credit card at the pump. The saved time is what affected me most, but the ease of the process, too, convinced me that my fifth most influential “eureka” moment had to be the invention of “pay at the pump.”
Lettuce in a bag is my sixth most influential “eureka” moment. My wife and I eat a lot of salads. When the garden isn’t producing lettuce, we depend on lettuce in a bag. The variety is outstanding, the quality is superb, and the cleanliness has been proven over and over.
My seventh “eureka” moment—and most recent—is microwaveable popcorn. What’s odd about this choice is that I wrote an earlier essay on popcorn in which I talked about how I prepare and season it. The problem is the time it takes to do that. When I am writing, have other tasks to complete, and feel pressured to produce, I find microwaveable popcorn to be a godsend. It is tasty, nutritious, and fast— pops entirely during one commercial break! (As I updated this essay for current posting, I have to admit that several weeks ago I purchased another 50-pound bag of popcorn kernels—so, even though I sometimes use microwave popcorn, I kick and scream and cook it the old-fashioned way as much as I can.
It was Archimedes, the Greek mathematician, physicist, and engineer who, having made a discovery or created a new machine, forgot himself and ran around the town, butt naked, shouting “Eureka! Eureka!” I never ran around shouting “Eureka! Eureka!,” but I kick and scream a lot. It’s amazing how drums seldom beat and bugles never blare, but the effect is the same; the effect of these changes, alone, has been immeasurable.
-----
What are the top ten eureka moments in history? Find them listed and discussed at the Science Channel website,
At the Newsweek website
Want to read the article that spawned my essay? Read, “Twenty-five Years of Eureka Moments,” at USA Today
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Copyright May, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
How to build a personality from the ground up
by Richard L. Weaver II
He came to me early in the first semester after graduating from high school. He was exactly what one might characterize as a “nerd,” “computer geek,” “dork,” “dweeb,” or “techie.” Charles had his own label: “loser.” He had been assigned as my advisee because as a top, highly skilled debater in high school, he sought to capitalize on his speech-communication prowess by becoming a politician, lawyer, minister, or teacher. With his background and skill, the choice was clearly his; however, he had a serious problem, and he knew it. He had no friends, and what he needed the most was a “personality makeover” — some kind of transformation or overhaul that would make him well liked (affable, amiable, genial, charming, appealing, delightful, and good-natured).
As a speech-communication advisor, I had never worked with someone like Charles, but I found him fascinating and the refurbishment he sought a challenge. The first thing I told him was that entering college was, perhaps, one of the best times in life to make major personality changes. He could leave his high school persona behind as well as all those who knew him then, and he could now construct — from whatever foundation he chose — the personality that would not only please him but the personality, too, that would best serve his future interests and goals.
How do you begin to build a new personality from the ground up? It is actually a simpler process than what one might imagine; however, there are two prerequisites. First, one needs a completely new situation. It’s a little like sitting next to a stranger on an airplane or chatting with one on the Internet — a person you know you’ll never see again — and supplying the kind of information and details that cause the other person to form a complimentary, praiseworthy, and totally favorable opinion of you. Second, you need a whole set of new acquaintances who have no ties or relationships to your former persona. What these new acquaintances must only hear and see is “the new you.”
There is an important principle that underlies this remodeling scenario. The “self” is a socially constructed entity. That is, we learn about our self through the eyes of others. It is others who provide the specific information and knowledge we use as we put together our concept or perception of our self. That is exactly how Charles learned, for example, that people do not like nerds, geeks, dweebs, dorks, and techies. He had no friends, but he knew why.
So, where did I start? Although I did not have the help of Scott Ginsberg when assisting Charles, Ginsberg’s book, The Power of Approachability (Front Porch Productions, 2005), offers excellent advice that permits people to begin at the ground floor. There is nothing earth shattering in the book, however, one must have a place to begin, and if the intent is to build a new self, and if the self is socially constructed, then one must assume the responsibility of establishing the social connections through which new information and knowledge will be channeled.
The first thing Charles needed to do was make a major change in the way he approached others — all others. It required an attitude readjustment. No longer could Charles blame others for not liking or approaching him. Now, the responsibility was entirely his. Entirely! No matter what the basic motivation for engaging others — to help them, learn from them, relate to them, influence them, or play with them — Charles must be ready to engage them, and there are a number of ways to do it:
—Encourage people to break their silence with you by opening with a question.
—Identify and amplify others’ names to make them feel appreciated and connected with you.
—Use humor. Because humor disarms people, find something funny in the situation or about yourself that you can use to make them laugh or smile.
—Find information. Is there information others have that would help you or that you can find out from them?
—Depend on your own knowledge. Is there any information or knowledge you have that you can offer others that would in some way help, assist, benefit, encourage, stimulate, or facilitate the situation?
You can’t stand on the sidelines and expect others to take the initiative. It may require that you think outside the box — outside what is expected, believed, thought, or assumed. Often, if a connection is to be made, someone must be willing to break the ice, disturb the flow, or change the expectations. Having information and knowledge, of course, is a good way to do this.
The second thing Charles needed to do was to make himself accessible and easy to deal with. Because of his background and upbringing, he tended to present a rather formal, staid, and dignified presence. This certainly aided him when debating. But that demeanor conveyed to others that he was aloof, reserved, remote, detached, and unapproachable. This wasn’t an easy change for Charles to make. I suggested that Charles play the role of a relaxed, comfortable, easygoing person who was open, friendly, unpretentious, unstuffy, and casual. I told him that by playing the role, many of these characteristics would stick and become natural and comfortable.
The third thing Charles needed to do was become friendly and ready to listen to others. Because he was extremely well-informed and knowledgeable, seldom was Charles at a loss for words; however, this trait got him into trouble. Others found communicating with him difficult, to say the least. Jean De La Bruyere, the French essayist and moralist said it best, “The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you.”
Friendliness is always two-way. That is, to have a friend, you must be a friend. Once again, Charles had to break from his standard operating procedure. He had to show others he cared, build trust with them, remind others that talking with him was worth it, trigger others’ psychological need to be included, and draw others to him with surprising, honest, appealing, memorable and fun answers that personified his new attitude by expediting interaction and creating engaging conversation.
Charles saw changes immediately, liked the results, and continued his program of growth, development, and change. He had built a new, positive, outgoing personality from the ground up.
-----
At ezinearticles.com, there is a terrific essay by Christina Sponias, entitled, “How to build your personality,” in which she offers great advice and numerous suggestions.
If you are looking for practical suggestions that you can adopt and use immediately, visit “Personality Development.”
-----
Copyright March, 2009 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
He came to me early in the first semester after graduating from high school. He was exactly what one might characterize as a “nerd,” “computer geek,” “dork,” “dweeb,” or “techie.” Charles had his own label: “loser.” He had been assigned as my advisee because as a top, highly skilled debater in high school, he sought to capitalize on his speech-communication prowess by becoming a politician, lawyer, minister, or teacher. With his background and skill, the choice was clearly his; however, he had a serious problem, and he knew it. He had no friends, and what he needed the most was a “personality makeover” — some kind of transformation or overhaul that would make him well liked (affable, amiable, genial, charming, appealing, delightful, and good-natured).
As a speech-communication advisor, I had never worked with someone like Charles, but I found him fascinating and the refurbishment he sought a challenge. The first thing I told him was that entering college was, perhaps, one of the best times in life to make major personality changes. He could leave his high school persona behind as well as all those who knew him then, and he could now construct — from whatever foundation he chose — the personality that would not only please him but the personality, too, that would best serve his future interests and goals.
How do you begin to build a new personality from the ground up? It is actually a simpler process than what one might imagine; however, there are two prerequisites. First, one needs a completely new situation. It’s a little like sitting next to a stranger on an airplane or chatting with one on the Internet — a person you know you’ll never see again — and supplying the kind of information and details that cause the other person to form a complimentary, praiseworthy, and totally favorable opinion of you. Second, you need a whole set of new acquaintances who have no ties or relationships to your former persona. What these new acquaintances must only hear and see is “the new you.”
There is an important principle that underlies this remodeling scenario. The “self” is a socially constructed entity. That is, we learn about our self through the eyes of others. It is others who provide the specific information and knowledge we use as we put together our concept or perception of our self. That is exactly how Charles learned, for example, that people do not like nerds, geeks, dweebs, dorks, and techies. He had no friends, but he knew why.
So, where did I start? Although I did not have the help of Scott Ginsberg when assisting Charles, Ginsberg’s book, The Power of Approachability (Front Porch Productions, 2005), offers excellent advice that permits people to begin at the ground floor. There is nothing earth shattering in the book, however, one must have a place to begin, and if the intent is to build a new self, and if the self is socially constructed, then one must assume the responsibility of establishing the social connections through which new information and knowledge will be channeled.
The first thing Charles needed to do was make a major change in the way he approached others — all others. It required an attitude readjustment. No longer could Charles blame others for not liking or approaching him. Now, the responsibility was entirely his. Entirely! No matter what the basic motivation for engaging others — to help them, learn from them, relate to them, influence them, or play with them — Charles must be ready to engage them, and there are a number of ways to do it:
—Encourage people to break their silence with you by opening with a question.
—Identify and amplify others’ names to make them feel appreciated and connected with you.
—Use humor. Because humor disarms people, find something funny in the situation or about yourself that you can use to make them laugh or smile.
—Find information. Is there information others have that would help you or that you can find out from them?
—Depend on your own knowledge. Is there any information or knowledge you have that you can offer others that would in some way help, assist, benefit, encourage, stimulate, or facilitate the situation?
You can’t stand on the sidelines and expect others to take the initiative. It may require that you think outside the box — outside what is expected, believed, thought, or assumed. Often, if a connection is to be made, someone must be willing to break the ice, disturb the flow, or change the expectations. Having information and knowledge, of course, is a good way to do this.
The second thing Charles needed to do was to make himself accessible and easy to deal with. Because of his background and upbringing, he tended to present a rather formal, staid, and dignified presence. This certainly aided him when debating. But that demeanor conveyed to others that he was aloof, reserved, remote, detached, and unapproachable. This wasn’t an easy change for Charles to make. I suggested that Charles play the role of a relaxed, comfortable, easygoing person who was open, friendly, unpretentious, unstuffy, and casual. I told him that by playing the role, many of these characteristics would stick and become natural and comfortable.
The third thing Charles needed to do was become friendly and ready to listen to others. Because he was extremely well-informed and knowledgeable, seldom was Charles at a loss for words; however, this trait got him into trouble. Others found communicating with him difficult, to say the least. Jean De La Bruyere, the French essayist and moralist said it best, “The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you.”
Friendliness is always two-way. That is, to have a friend, you must be a friend. Once again, Charles had to break from his standard operating procedure. He had to show others he cared, build trust with them, remind others that talking with him was worth it, trigger others’ psychological need to be included, and draw others to him with surprising, honest, appealing, memorable and fun answers that personified his new attitude by expediting interaction and creating engaging conversation.
Charles saw changes immediately, liked the results, and continued his program of growth, development, and change. He had built a new, positive, outgoing personality from the ground up.
-----
At ezinearticles.com, there is a terrific essay by Christina Sponias, entitled, “How to build your personality,” in which she offers great advice and numerous suggestions.
If you are looking for practical suggestions that you can adopt and use immediately, visit “Personality Development.”
-----
Copyright March, 2009 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Eight steps for raising your standards And Then Some
Are you happy with “good enough,” or have you become complacent with the “ordinary”? It’s a little like living with all the junk you have accumulated over the years and making no move to change the situation. As-a-matter-of-fact, you have become so accustomed to it, you don’t even notice it anymore. Often, it is this same mindset that carries over into every aspect of your life — relationships, jobs, household chores, and projects. To change the mindset requires effort and commitment, and when “good enough” is sufficient, why bother?
One of the reasons people consistently perform at a higher level than others or produce more remarkable results is that they possess a higher mental standard. Because you always move in the direction of your currently dominant thought, when your mindset is “excellence,” you will move toward that and perform at a higher level.
The important point here is a simple one. Trying to change behavior and performance — like improving your life, upgrading your standards, enhancing your relationships, advancing your employment status, and bettering your everyday experiences — requires a change in your mindset, otherwise any change you plan or undertake is likely to fail.
The question clearly becomes, how do you do it? The very first step is to realize you are in control. It is your choice about how you want to live your life. Because standards are a reflection of you and what’s right for you, you must make a choice: Choose to raise your standards. You are in control, and until you raise your standards at a deep, internal level, then nothing is going to change in your life.
The second step is to look at the people you admire. What is it about them that you admire? How do they behave? How do you feel when you’re around them? What would you have to change in your life to become more like the people you admire? These comparisons can offer a useful plan of action or, at the very least, a place to begin.
The third step is to expect more from yourself. To change, you are going to have to adjust, modify, revise, reshape, rework, and, perhaps, transform yourself. Not only is this risky, but also it requires work. Demand more of your performance in everything you do. You may need to become more creative in looking at and selecting from a wide variety of options; you may need to become more efficient by cutting out time-wasting, unnecessary distractions; you may need to put some pressure on yourself to break out from your secure, safe, and contented comfort zone. Although leaving any safe, stable environment for something unknown is unpredictable and potentially fraught with danger, also it can be an invigorating, action-packed adventure.
The fourth step is to expect more from others. You need to surround yourself with people who will challenge you. This may mean finding new players in your life. New co-workers, new friends, new relationship partners are more likely to test you, make demands on you, stretch, stimulate, inspire, and excite you. This is precisely what you need to push you to your limits.
The fifth step is to become more assertive. You get what you settle for; thus, when you risk rocking the boat, disappointing (or surprising others), or giving yourself more than what you think you deserve, you automatically raise your standards. When you raise your standards, you will automatically start to attract better things into your life — better friends, more varied experiences, superior relationships, and even higher quality material possessions.
There is no reason you need to settle for an inferior meal in a restaurant, a dirty room in a motel, a product that is below the quality you expect and deserve, a bad seat in an airplane or on a bus, or a negative conversation that may damage your ego, adversely affect your mindset, or unfavorably bear on your future goals. Take things back, write letters of complaint, buy higher quality things, do not support low-quality TV programming, refuse to pay for advertising, fix things instead of throwing them out, never buy anything on impulse, and stop settling for less.
The sixth step is to be easy on yourself. Change like that being discussed in this essay is not going to happen overnight. Much of what is being changed required your whole lifetime to learn and practice, thus, it is accepted, comfortable, and pleasant behavior. That is why so many people do not change. Become aware of your new behavior, and when you find yourself slipping back into your old ways, stop trying to change and live your new standard. Be easy on yourself when you slip; it is a necessary, always-present aspect of growing and changing.
Think of “raising your standards” as creating a new habit for yourself. It is a new way of acting. Remember that it takes a minimum of twenty-one repetitions of a behavior before it becomes a new habit. Consider this a journey, and as on any excursion — especially one with as important a destination as this voyage may have — you must enjoy the ride. Be observant and aware as this expedition takes you into new, uncharted territory.
The seventh step, in addition to the fourth step where you may find new players in your life, make a commitment to socialize more. When you raise your standards, the people around you will respond to you differently. There will be those who choose to leave your life while others choose to remain. New people will enter your life because they are attracted to your new standards. By socializing more — especially with raised standards — you will contact more of those likely to see and enjoy your new standards and more of those people who will choose to become part of your life because of those new standards. The quality of your life will improve.
The eighth step is to remove the words “good enough” and “okay” from your vocabulary.
Higher mental standards — desiring distinction, superior quality, and remarkable brilliance — can provide a framework for everything you do. It could be an event you’re planning, a product you’re designing, a meal you’re preparing, a letter you are writing, a project you are completing, a proposal you’re submitting, a speech you are creating, a vacation you are planning, or a room you are rearranging, when your standard is excellence, you will perform at a higher level. We tend to take our standards for granted, however, standards matter, and it is possible to raise them. By following the eight steps outlined in this essay, you will raise your standards And Then Some!
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A very good essay with some good practical ideas for raising your standards can be found in the essay, “Raise Your Standards,” at Take Action With Coach Lee (September 4, 2007).
Valorie Burton (July 27, 2009) writes an essay, “Raise Your Standards, Change Your Life,” at the website, blackamericaweb.com This was retrieved January 12, 2010, and in the essay Burton discusses four suggestions: 1) Decide what’s acceptable, 2) Exemplify what you expect, 3) Take steps to meet the new standard, and 4) Be willing to let go.
-----
Copyright April 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
One of the reasons people consistently perform at a higher level than others or produce more remarkable results is that they possess a higher mental standard. Because you always move in the direction of your currently dominant thought, when your mindset is “excellence,” you will move toward that and perform at a higher level.
The important point here is a simple one. Trying to change behavior and performance — like improving your life, upgrading your standards, enhancing your relationships, advancing your employment status, and bettering your everyday experiences — requires a change in your mindset, otherwise any change you plan or undertake is likely to fail.
The question clearly becomes, how do you do it? The very first step is to realize you are in control. It is your choice about how you want to live your life. Because standards are a reflection of you and what’s right for you, you must make a choice: Choose to raise your standards. You are in control, and until you raise your standards at a deep, internal level, then nothing is going to change in your life.
The second step is to look at the people you admire. What is it about them that you admire? How do they behave? How do you feel when you’re around them? What would you have to change in your life to become more like the people you admire? These comparisons can offer a useful plan of action or, at the very least, a place to begin.
The third step is to expect more from yourself. To change, you are going to have to adjust, modify, revise, reshape, rework, and, perhaps, transform yourself. Not only is this risky, but also it requires work. Demand more of your performance in everything you do. You may need to become more creative in looking at and selecting from a wide variety of options; you may need to become more efficient by cutting out time-wasting, unnecessary distractions; you may need to put some pressure on yourself to break out from your secure, safe, and contented comfort zone. Although leaving any safe, stable environment for something unknown is unpredictable and potentially fraught with danger, also it can be an invigorating, action-packed adventure.
The fourth step is to expect more from others. You need to surround yourself with people who will challenge you. This may mean finding new players in your life. New co-workers, new friends, new relationship partners are more likely to test you, make demands on you, stretch, stimulate, inspire, and excite you. This is precisely what you need to push you to your limits.
The fifth step is to become more assertive. You get what you settle for; thus, when you risk rocking the boat, disappointing (or surprising others), or giving yourself more than what you think you deserve, you automatically raise your standards. When you raise your standards, you will automatically start to attract better things into your life — better friends, more varied experiences, superior relationships, and even higher quality material possessions.
There is no reason you need to settle for an inferior meal in a restaurant, a dirty room in a motel, a product that is below the quality you expect and deserve, a bad seat in an airplane or on a bus, or a negative conversation that may damage your ego, adversely affect your mindset, or unfavorably bear on your future goals. Take things back, write letters of complaint, buy higher quality things, do not support low-quality TV programming, refuse to pay for advertising, fix things instead of throwing them out, never buy anything on impulse, and stop settling for less.
The sixth step is to be easy on yourself. Change like that being discussed in this essay is not going to happen overnight. Much of what is being changed required your whole lifetime to learn and practice, thus, it is accepted, comfortable, and pleasant behavior. That is why so many people do not change. Become aware of your new behavior, and when you find yourself slipping back into your old ways, stop trying to change and live your new standard. Be easy on yourself when you slip; it is a necessary, always-present aspect of growing and changing.
Think of “raising your standards” as creating a new habit for yourself. It is a new way of acting. Remember that it takes a minimum of twenty-one repetitions of a behavior before it becomes a new habit. Consider this a journey, and as on any excursion — especially one with as important a destination as this voyage may have — you must enjoy the ride. Be observant and aware as this expedition takes you into new, uncharted territory.
The seventh step, in addition to the fourth step where you may find new players in your life, make a commitment to socialize more. When you raise your standards, the people around you will respond to you differently. There will be those who choose to leave your life while others choose to remain. New people will enter your life because they are attracted to your new standards. By socializing more — especially with raised standards — you will contact more of those likely to see and enjoy your new standards and more of those people who will choose to become part of your life because of those new standards. The quality of your life will improve.
The eighth step is to remove the words “good enough” and “okay” from your vocabulary.
Higher mental standards — desiring distinction, superior quality, and remarkable brilliance — can provide a framework for everything you do. It could be an event you’re planning, a product you’re designing, a meal you’re preparing, a letter you are writing, a project you are completing, a proposal you’re submitting, a speech you are creating, a vacation you are planning, or a room you are rearranging, when your standard is excellence, you will perform at a higher level. We tend to take our standards for granted, however, standards matter, and it is possible to raise them. By following the eight steps outlined in this essay, you will raise your standards And Then Some!
-----
A very good essay with some good practical ideas for raising your standards can be found in the essay, “Raise Your Standards,” at Take Action With Coach Lee (September 4, 2007).
Valorie Burton (July 27, 2009) writes an essay, “Raise Your Standards, Change Your Life,” at the website, blackamericaweb.com This was retrieved January 12, 2010, and in the essay Burton discusses four suggestions: 1) Decide what’s acceptable, 2) Exemplify what you expect, 3) Take steps to meet the new standard, and 4) Be willing to let go.
-----
Copyright April 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
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