by Richard L. Weaver II
Life is unfair — deal with it! This was an assumption I had throughout my life; I never thought otherwise. And, I determined to level the playing field (get my share) by doing my best. I always thought that if I did my best and succeeded (that is, did well), I would get exactly what I deserved. The problem, I discovered, was that people did not always perceive (or fully realize) another person’s preparation or qualifications; thus, they felt they were not being treated fairly (equally) because they thought they were equal, but if one dug just a little distance below the surface they would discover grave differences, not just minor ones. The problem boiled down to what they “thought” and not what were the facts.
It wasn’t until we had children that “life is unfair” became a fairly commonly used phrase.
We had two boys and two girls, and our job as parents was to continually justify the different treatment each of our children received. It was never the same; not even close. We know of someone else with two girls who were three years apart, and almost since the younger girl was born, the husband felt the girls should be treated equally. What is good for the older child is good for the younger one as well — no matter what it is. This occurred — and became a major bone of contention between the parents — throughout the girls’ childhoods (until the older girl turned twelve). This, of course, is total nonsense, and the father should have been jailed for child abuse. Okay, if not abuse then mistreatment and misconduct at the least.
At the John Tesh Blog, on the topic, “Life is unfair, better get used to it,” Tesh discusses the coddling kids get as they mature: “...we cannot hurt anybody's feelings. So we try to make everyone feel like a winner and we protect kids from anything that may be stressful. No bumps, no bruises, no disappointments, but also none of the challenges of real life.”
It is just this kind of coddling that distorts reality. Children should not be protected from unfairness. Think about it. At “Life is unfair," the writer offers a brief list of issues people consider unfair. Using their list, the most obvious inequities occur when you consider a person’s race, nationality, parental heritage, physical traits, mental capacity, social status, economic status, experiences of life, birth order, age, and religious heritage. Often, there is nothing that can be done about these issues; life is unfair, and children must not be protected from it.
At personal-development.com, in an article, “Life is unfair,” Chuck Gallozzi begins his essay with these sentences: “Yes, there are injustices. Guiltless people are sent to prison. Terrorists make plans to strike at innocent citizens. Facts regarding the poisons in our food are hidden from us. Olympic medals and Academy Awards are presented for political reasons instead of merit.” Certainly you can think of many other injustices that provoke, annoy, and perhaps enrage you; they are not difficult to locate.
Now, it should be clearly noted that because of the coddling many children receive during their upbringing, their only, and I might add, natural, response to unfairness could be described in much the same manner as Gallozzi describes: “All too often those bemoaning the unfairness of the world are just whining that they’re not getting their way. They haven’t grown up yet. Their sense of unfairness is irrational because it is based on childish demands and unrealistic expectations. They want to return to the time that they were infants. For then all they had to do was cry (complain) and someone would come and attend to their needs.”
What I said at the outset of this essay remains true. If each of us — despite all odds and obstacles — worked our hardesst, applied ourselves consistently, and did the best work of which we are capable at all times, the “life is unfair” phrase would likely have little application to our life. These, to me, are winning ways.
But, such a stance doesn’t really address the issue of this essay: life is unfair. That is, how can we best deal with unfairnesses besides working at our peak level? There are several suggestions.
The first, and most important is to take responsibility for your life. If you don’t like your situation, do something about it. There is no need to place blame on yourself or others, but what you need to do is change your attitude. Instead of a victim, become an architect (of your life). Determine what it is you want, figure out what you need to do to become qualified to get (earn?) what you want, make a plan to achieve your goal, and take action.
The second suggestion is to become a team player. As you cooperate with others, you will develop important connections. With the team as your support group, you will contribute to promoting their best interests, just as they will be promoting yours. When others recognize your genuine interest in them, they will cooperate and contribute positively to your best interests, as well.
The third suggestion is to begin to operate based on your thinking and not on your feelings. The problem in believing that life is unfair is that it creates worry and anxiety, and because they require energy, you drain important energy from sound, sensible, reasoned decision making and problem solving.
The fourth suggestion goes back to the results of coddling. Those who are coddled often remain immature and go through life demanding that the world cater to their every wish. In this way, they set themselves up for disappointment, frustration, and resentment. Parents must let children know that things will not always go as they like and that the world is full of unrealized hopes and dreams, but that is not the end of the world. They must learn to not just face disappointments but to cope with them as well. Life is full of both ups and downs; they are unavoidable. What children must be taught is to accept the hurdles life throws at them, and like countless others before them, learn to overcome them and grow stronger because of them. Life is unfair, but the way we deal with it is what counts.
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At Oprah.com , in an essay entitled, “What to do when life seems unfair,” there are three suggestions for dealing with unfairness: 1) Get to the heart of the problem, 2) Don’t be a victim, and 3) Shift the way you see the world.
At ProgressiveU.com, there is an essay entitled, “When You Say ‘Life is Unfair’ I say ‘No Duh’,” by Bridge, that makes one of the same points made in the essay above: “We already know that life is unfair, so why bother wasting time to say it? Let’s embrace those challenges that better us in ways we could never fully understand at the time.”
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Copyright September, 2010 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Being totally wired means being more communicative and expressive
by Richard L. Weaver II
I want to admit upfront in this essay that I am not totally wired; however, I spend a great deal of time at my computer, and I have written extensively about the Internet and its effect on various aspects of communication in my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 9th ed. (McGraw-Hill, 2009).
What I want to do in this essay, more than anything else, is simply to document what is happening in our society. It will be outdated, of course, almost as I tap on these keys, but what a benchmark it establishes as technology races forward. This is an essay that will be entertaining to read ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now simply for the contrast it provides to what will be happening at that time. Although teens will be totally wired, the technology will be different.
I am indebted to Anastasia Goodstein and her book, Totally wired: What teens and tweens are really doing online (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2007). I sought this book for the insights Goodstein could provide in helping me write the ninth edition of the book referred to in the first paragraph above: Communicating Effectively. The characterization of teens that follows is Goodstein’s.
When totally wired teenagers today get out of bed in the morning, the first thing they do — before breakfast and before showering — is to fire-up their “at rest” computer to check for messages on Facebook or MySpace (or both). They listen to their MP3 or iTunes to accompany them while getting dressed and put in an earphone so they can listen without bothering anyone else. Before going downstairs for breakfast, they check their cell phone for voice or text messages from their friends.
Totally wired teenagers will call or text their friends on the way to school so they know where they are and where to meet them when they arrive. To protect themselves from having their cell phones confiscated during classes, they turn them to vibrate, but they use them between classes to keep in touch with their friends and plan activities for immediately after school.
Schools have many computers, and students own their own laptops as well. Students use school computers to check their Web e-mail messages, do research for school projects, type projects and papers, and make PowerPoint presentations. Students, for the most part, are more comfortable with computers than most of their teachers, and often students end up answering their teachers’ questions and helping them figure things out.
In English, the teacher created a special website just for his classes that includes the syllabus, course expectations, brief project outlines and papers that must be downloaded, and a FAQ (frequently asked questions) link as well. One feature of the website is an ongoing, up-to-date blog which students are required to respond to using their special class names that only they and their teacher know. This English teacher has received high ratings on Ratemyteacher.com not just because of his use of the computer but how he integrates the computer into classroom activities, maintains a daily question-and-answer page on the website where students can keep up with any aspect of the course about which they have questions, and a “contact me” link where students can contact him or her directly regarding problems, suggestions, or personal insights.
The algebra teacher, unlike the English teacher described above, does not receive high ratings on Ratemyteacher.com. She assigns too much homework (according to the students), sometimes embarrasses them when they don’t know answers, and calls on them when they aren’t paying attention.
Totally wired teenagers often are incredibly busy after school hours. In addition to athletics, homework takes up time, but spending time on the computer dominates. They update their LiveJournal (LJ) entries, post comments on their friends’ Ljs, instant message (IM) their friends and relatives, check their own website blog, add a new entry to it as well. They go to their MySpace or FaceBook (often, both) profile to keep in touch with distant friends and to tell friends what they’re doing at the moment. They may even keep tabs on boyfriends’ or girlfriends’ online profiles, sometimes leaving flirtatious comments, posting recent pictures of themselves or cute photos of them together. Although they like having boyfriends and girlfriends, they realize such contacts take time.
During after school hours, time is spent, too, interspersed within all of this, sending and reading e-mail and text messages. If there is even a little time remaining, they may surf the Internet, enter a chat room, post a note on a message board, hang out on community sites, or just go back through all of their contacts to see recent answers to their questions, the latest posts, or update what they’re doing at the moment — an activity that demands freshness and up-to-date posts. Sometimes they just relax with their MP3 or iTunes plugged into their ear reading a website about their favorite singer, actor, or entertainer.
When they are away from home, it is not uncommon to receive cell phone messages from parents who are just checking in. When they are somewhere they know their parents would not like, they lie and tell them they’re somewhere else. As long as they answer their cell phones when their parents call, they get away with it. When at parties, it is not uncommon to receive text messages from someone across the room, telling them to check out someone else, or talking about someone else who is in the same room.
When they hang out with friends, they go see movies, rent DVDs, download videos from the Internet, play video games on their Nintendo DS or BlackBerry, or watch others play video games, and just talk as they watch for text messages or communicate with someone else on their cell phones. They find such multitasking comfortable and easy, and most students perform multitasking when they do their homework, work at their computer, watch DVDs, or play on their wii or Xbox 360.
Today’s teenagers spend enormous amounts of time socializing with friends, love listening to music and playing games, actively use their computers for socializing, doing homework, and researching papers and projects, and find it easy getting information of all kinds from the Internet. Because of the Internet, gossip travels quickly just as negative information and mean pictures. Writing diaries, once considered a personal form of expression, has become public documentation and sharing diaries, emotional experiences, and likes and dislikes is common practice on blogs, FaceBook, or MySpace.
“There are more opportunities for teens to express themselves and distribute their work as writers, artists, videographers, or podcasters (Internet radio hosts who create audio recordings you can download from the Web)” (p. 13), writes Goodstein. There is no doubt that totally wired teens raise new issues of privacy and safety, but it may be, too, they are becoming more communicative and expressive at the same time. We live in a far more verbal world than ever before — and what appropriate preparation and rehearsal for a life of running everywhere with BlackBerry, cell phone, and laptop in hand, as amply demonstrated by America’s professional class.
-----
Melissa McNamara, at the CBS News website , has a wonderful essay entitled, “Teens Are Wired ... And, Yes, It's OK,” in which she echoes many of the ideas discussed in this essay. It is a short essay well worth a read.
An introduction to Anastasia Goodstein’s book, Totally Wired can be found at the Google Book Search website. Here you can look at the contents, acknowledgments, introduction, and some of the contents as well.
-----
Copyright April, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
I want to admit upfront in this essay that I am not totally wired; however, I spend a great deal of time at my computer, and I have written extensively about the Internet and its effect on various aspects of communication in my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 9th ed. (McGraw-Hill, 2009).
What I want to do in this essay, more than anything else, is simply to document what is happening in our society. It will be outdated, of course, almost as I tap on these keys, but what a benchmark it establishes as technology races forward. This is an essay that will be entertaining to read ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now simply for the contrast it provides to what will be happening at that time. Although teens will be totally wired, the technology will be different.
I am indebted to Anastasia Goodstein and her book, Totally wired: What teens and tweens are really doing online (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2007). I sought this book for the insights Goodstein could provide in helping me write the ninth edition of the book referred to in the first paragraph above: Communicating Effectively. The characterization of teens that follows is Goodstein’s.
When totally wired teenagers today get out of bed in the morning, the first thing they do — before breakfast and before showering — is to fire-up their “at rest” computer to check for messages on Facebook or MySpace (or both). They listen to their MP3 or iTunes to accompany them while getting dressed and put in an earphone so they can listen without bothering anyone else. Before going downstairs for breakfast, they check their cell phone for voice or text messages from their friends.
Totally wired teenagers will call or text their friends on the way to school so they know where they are and where to meet them when they arrive. To protect themselves from having their cell phones confiscated during classes, they turn them to vibrate, but they use them between classes to keep in touch with their friends and plan activities for immediately after school.
Schools have many computers, and students own their own laptops as well. Students use school computers to check their Web e-mail messages, do research for school projects, type projects and papers, and make PowerPoint presentations. Students, for the most part, are more comfortable with computers than most of their teachers, and often students end up answering their teachers’ questions and helping them figure things out.
In English, the teacher created a special website just for his classes that includes the syllabus, course expectations, brief project outlines and papers that must be downloaded, and a FAQ (frequently asked questions) link as well. One feature of the website is an ongoing, up-to-date blog which students are required to respond to using their special class names that only they and their teacher know. This English teacher has received high ratings on Ratemyteacher.com not just because of his use of the computer but how he integrates the computer into classroom activities, maintains a daily question-and-answer page on the website where students can keep up with any aspect of the course about which they have questions, and a “contact me” link where students can contact him or her directly regarding problems, suggestions, or personal insights.
The algebra teacher, unlike the English teacher described above, does not receive high ratings on Ratemyteacher.com. She assigns too much homework (according to the students), sometimes embarrasses them when they don’t know answers, and calls on them when they aren’t paying attention.
Totally wired teenagers often are incredibly busy after school hours. In addition to athletics, homework takes up time, but spending time on the computer dominates. They update their LiveJournal (LJ) entries, post comments on their friends’ Ljs, instant message (IM) their friends and relatives, check their own website blog, add a new entry to it as well. They go to their MySpace or FaceBook (often, both) profile to keep in touch with distant friends and to tell friends what they’re doing at the moment. They may even keep tabs on boyfriends’ or girlfriends’ online profiles, sometimes leaving flirtatious comments, posting recent pictures of themselves or cute photos of them together. Although they like having boyfriends and girlfriends, they realize such contacts take time.
During after school hours, time is spent, too, interspersed within all of this, sending and reading e-mail and text messages. If there is even a little time remaining, they may surf the Internet, enter a chat room, post a note on a message board, hang out on community sites, or just go back through all of their contacts to see recent answers to their questions, the latest posts, or update what they’re doing at the moment — an activity that demands freshness and up-to-date posts. Sometimes they just relax with their MP3 or iTunes plugged into their ear reading a website about their favorite singer, actor, or entertainer.
When they are away from home, it is not uncommon to receive cell phone messages from parents who are just checking in. When they are somewhere they know their parents would not like, they lie and tell them they’re somewhere else. As long as they answer their cell phones when their parents call, they get away with it. When at parties, it is not uncommon to receive text messages from someone across the room, telling them to check out someone else, or talking about someone else who is in the same room.
When they hang out with friends, they go see movies, rent DVDs, download videos from the Internet, play video games on their Nintendo DS or BlackBerry, or watch others play video games, and just talk as they watch for text messages or communicate with someone else on their cell phones. They find such multitasking comfortable and easy, and most students perform multitasking when they do their homework, work at their computer, watch DVDs, or play on their wii or Xbox 360.
Today’s teenagers spend enormous amounts of time socializing with friends, love listening to music and playing games, actively use their computers for socializing, doing homework, and researching papers and projects, and find it easy getting information of all kinds from the Internet. Because of the Internet, gossip travels quickly just as negative information and mean pictures. Writing diaries, once considered a personal form of expression, has become public documentation and sharing diaries, emotional experiences, and likes and dislikes is common practice on blogs, FaceBook, or MySpace.
“There are more opportunities for teens to express themselves and distribute their work as writers, artists, videographers, or podcasters (Internet radio hosts who create audio recordings you can download from the Web)” (p. 13), writes Goodstein. There is no doubt that totally wired teens raise new issues of privacy and safety, but it may be, too, they are becoming more communicative and expressive at the same time. We live in a far more verbal world than ever before — and what appropriate preparation and rehearsal for a life of running everywhere with BlackBerry, cell phone, and laptop in hand, as amply demonstrated by America’s professional class.
-----
Melissa McNamara, at the CBS News website , has a wonderful essay entitled, “Teens Are Wired ... And, Yes, It's OK,” in which she echoes many of the ideas discussed in this essay. It is a short essay well worth a read.
An introduction to Anastasia Goodstein’s book, Totally Wired can be found at the Google Book Search website. Here you can look at the contents, acknowledgments, introduction, and some of the contents as well.
-----
Copyright April, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Relationship success results from a union of differences
by Richard L. Weaver II
When two people come together in a relationship, it is (and has to be) a union of differences. It cannot be overlooked. It cannot be escaped. And, if it is not accommodated in some manner, the relationship is unlikely to succeed.
The essential relationship question is this: How can relationship partners use their differences to enhance their relationship? Let’s use Valentine’s Day, 2010, as a celebration of differences for, often, it is those differences that bring the thrill, delight, and pleasure to relationships (if they don’t destroy them). In this essay are four suggestions for using differences to enhance relationships.
Accept each other’s differences. For a satisfying relationship, you and your partner must learn to accept each other’s differences. One of the joys of intimacy is learning to receive and to know fully a person different from yourself. Too often these differences are allowed to drive people apart because one partner is unwilling to allow the other to be himself or herself.
Another problem is competition. Sometimes you may reject your partner’s differences and begin to compete with him or her. This often happens in today’s world, but if you talk about it you will realize that a strength for one of you—either one of you—will be a strength for both of you. Although competition may be friendly at first, it can become critical, destructive, and lead to the disintegration of the relationship.
See differences as a chance for intimacy. Differences can provide a great opportunity for intimacy. One of the biggest contributions you can make to the development of trust and respect in a relationship is to understand your partner as a unique human being.
Use the following ideas to stimulate conversation and discussion. Clarify your perspectives about how you think about your differences and how they make you feel. Keep in mind that your perspective on your differences will have a lot to do with how you feel about them, and in turn, how you will respond to them.
Clarify your views about your differences before problems arise. All of your interactions exist within a relationship matrix. The stronger and healthier your relationship is, the more likely it is that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt, which in turn reduces the likelihood of escalation if conflicts arise because of your differences.
Check out each other’s hot button.” Both you and your partner have your own triggers or “hot buttons” that set off feelings of anger, unfairness, injury, insult, or hurt. By becoming familiar with each other’s “hot buttons,” you will know in advance which situations are more likely to trigger an unfavorable response on your part or on the part of your partner. In this way, you can be better prepared to deal with differences effectively.
Dealing with hot buttons calls for a two part response: finding alternative perspectives so you are less bothered; and slowing down your physiological response to your anger or anxiety. Keep these responses ready to use in case you find your hot buttons are being pushed.
Strive at all times and in all situations to promote empathy. Empathy is especially important throughout this process of discussing differences because when you and your partner seek to understand each other’s views, it is one way to demonstrate respect. This process is facilitated by paraphrasing—when one partner states his or her view and the other re-states it—in order to let the other know that he or she has been heard. When both partners engage in this process, there is often a noticeable and immediate reduction in tension and a quicker discovery of solutions.
See differences as complementary. An effective relationship rests on the formula, “One plus one equals three.” This simply means that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Each person in an intimate relationship is a unique human being who brings his or her uniqueness to the relationship.
When you add the strength of one partner to the strength of the other, the result is a sum that could not be achieved by either acting separately. Hence, one plus one equals three instead of two.
Sometimes it is the differences that keep the intimate relationship strong. One partner is a socially quiet person, and the other is an outgoing person. The socially quiet person help contain the excesses of the other, while the outgoing person helps draw out and encourage the socially quiet one.
See communication as essential. Lack of communication in a relationship may indicate general withdrawal, unwillingness to engage in self-disclosure, reduced supportiveness, or a lack of complete trust—all indicators that the relationship may be disintegrating. But communication itself does not guarantee intimacy. If one partner is using communication to deceive their partner or evaluate, manipulate, or exploit them, the relationship is obviously faltering.
Good communication allow you to manage relationships to be mutually satisfying for both you and your partner. Whether the relationship is to be changed or dissolved, communication is essential to such negotiation. Remember, a relationship is not a stagnant, unchanging entity, rather, it is a constantly evolving, developing, transforming, and progressing life form. This is what keeps it exciting and energizing, but this is, too, what makes communication essential. How do you keep up with the changes without talking about them?
Honesty is the most important element. How can you detect honesty in your relationship? If you can express your needs, dissatisfactions, fears, and unfilled ambitions, it is likely there is honesty. If you can look honestly at yourself, your partner and the relationship, there is likely to be honesty. If you can bend and change with spontaneity and flexibility there is likely to be honesty. If you can remain open to your partner’s feelings and alternative points of view, there is likely to be honesty. Also, if you can truly converse, discuss, and share ideas without name calling, labeling, and other biased approaches, there is likely to be honesty.
If you can accept each other’s differences, see them as a chance for intimacy, as complimentary, and communication as essential, then you certainly have a relationship worth celebrating. These ideas come from the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment and these thoughts, and many more like them, can be obtained from Amazon.com.
-----
At SearchYourLove there is a great essay, “Intimacy And Friendship Are Key To A Lasting Relationship,” that discusses the important role that intimacy and friendship play in successful romantic relationships.
At Marriage Success Training, the essay there, “Marriage Facts: Seven Keys to Success,” is an advertisement for their training program; however, the advertisement offers a great deal of advice in short, pithy, bullet points that are easy to read and understand.
At Ezine@rticles, the one entitled, “Keys to a Successful Marriage - Building Intimacy and Trust” by
Brian Leiphart offers a great deal of useful advice and suggestions.
-----
Copyright February 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC
When two people come together in a relationship, it is (and has to be) a union of differences. It cannot be overlooked. It cannot be escaped. And, if it is not accommodated in some manner, the relationship is unlikely to succeed.
The essential relationship question is this: How can relationship partners use their differences to enhance their relationship? Let’s use Valentine’s Day, 2010, as a celebration of differences for, often, it is those differences that bring the thrill, delight, and pleasure to relationships (if they don’t destroy them). In this essay are four suggestions for using differences to enhance relationships.
Accept each other’s differences. For a satisfying relationship, you and your partner must learn to accept each other’s differences. One of the joys of intimacy is learning to receive and to know fully a person different from yourself. Too often these differences are allowed to drive people apart because one partner is unwilling to allow the other to be himself or herself.
Another problem is competition. Sometimes you may reject your partner’s differences and begin to compete with him or her. This often happens in today’s world, but if you talk about it you will realize that a strength for one of you—either one of you—will be a strength for both of you. Although competition may be friendly at first, it can become critical, destructive, and lead to the disintegration of the relationship.
See differences as a chance for intimacy. Differences can provide a great opportunity for intimacy. One of the biggest contributions you can make to the development of trust and respect in a relationship is to understand your partner as a unique human being.
Use the following ideas to stimulate conversation and discussion. Clarify your perspectives about how you think about your differences and how they make you feel. Keep in mind that your perspective on your differences will have a lot to do with how you feel about them, and in turn, how you will respond to them.
Clarify your views about your differences before problems arise. All of your interactions exist within a relationship matrix. The stronger and healthier your relationship is, the more likely it is that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt, which in turn reduces the likelihood of escalation if conflicts arise because of your differences.
Check out each other’s hot button.” Both you and your partner have your own triggers or “hot buttons” that set off feelings of anger, unfairness, injury, insult, or hurt. By becoming familiar with each other’s “hot buttons,” you will know in advance which situations are more likely to trigger an unfavorable response on your part or on the part of your partner. In this way, you can be better prepared to deal with differences effectively.
Dealing with hot buttons calls for a two part response: finding alternative perspectives so you are less bothered; and slowing down your physiological response to your anger or anxiety. Keep these responses ready to use in case you find your hot buttons are being pushed.
Strive at all times and in all situations to promote empathy. Empathy is especially important throughout this process of discussing differences because when you and your partner seek to understand each other’s views, it is one way to demonstrate respect. This process is facilitated by paraphrasing—when one partner states his or her view and the other re-states it—in order to let the other know that he or she has been heard. When both partners engage in this process, there is often a noticeable and immediate reduction in tension and a quicker discovery of solutions.
See differences as complementary. An effective relationship rests on the formula, “One plus one equals three.” This simply means that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Each person in an intimate relationship is a unique human being who brings his or her uniqueness to the relationship.
When you add the strength of one partner to the strength of the other, the result is a sum that could not be achieved by either acting separately. Hence, one plus one equals three instead of two.
Sometimes it is the differences that keep the intimate relationship strong. One partner is a socially quiet person, and the other is an outgoing person. The socially quiet person help contain the excesses of the other, while the outgoing person helps draw out and encourage the socially quiet one.
See communication as essential. Lack of communication in a relationship may indicate general withdrawal, unwillingness to engage in self-disclosure, reduced supportiveness, or a lack of complete trust—all indicators that the relationship may be disintegrating. But communication itself does not guarantee intimacy. If one partner is using communication to deceive their partner or evaluate, manipulate, or exploit them, the relationship is obviously faltering.
Good communication allow you to manage relationships to be mutually satisfying for both you and your partner. Whether the relationship is to be changed or dissolved, communication is essential to such negotiation. Remember, a relationship is not a stagnant, unchanging entity, rather, it is a constantly evolving, developing, transforming, and progressing life form. This is what keeps it exciting and energizing, but this is, too, what makes communication essential. How do you keep up with the changes without talking about them?
Honesty is the most important element. How can you detect honesty in your relationship? If you can express your needs, dissatisfactions, fears, and unfilled ambitions, it is likely there is honesty. If you can look honestly at yourself, your partner and the relationship, there is likely to be honesty. If you can bend and change with spontaneity and flexibility there is likely to be honesty. If you can remain open to your partner’s feelings and alternative points of view, there is likely to be honesty. Also, if you can truly converse, discuss, and share ideas without name calling, labeling, and other biased approaches, there is likely to be honesty.
If you can accept each other’s differences, see them as a chance for intimacy, as complimentary, and communication as essential, then you certainly have a relationship worth celebrating. These ideas come from the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment and these thoughts, and many more like them, can be obtained from Amazon.com.
-----
At SearchYourLove there is a great essay, “Intimacy And Friendship Are Key To A Lasting Relationship,” that discusses the important role that intimacy and friendship play in successful romantic relationships.
At Marriage Success Training, the essay there, “Marriage Facts: Seven Keys to Success,” is an advertisement for their training program; however, the advertisement offers a great deal of advice in short, pithy, bullet points that are easy to read and understand.
At Ezine@rticles, the one entitled, “Keys to a Successful Marriage - Building Intimacy and Trust” by
Brian Leiphart offers a great deal of useful advice and suggestions.
-----
Copyright February 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s coping that counts
by Richard L. Weaver II
I was looking for a topic to write about; often I make notes or outline an essay subtly on a small pad in my lap during church services. This time it was the sermon topic itself, “Surprised by God,” by Georganna Mawer, that provided the spark that led to this essay. Surprise! The topic was right in front of me. This happens often, and I never cease to be amazed at the occurrence when I am looking for a topic to write about, and I find it offered, as if on a silver platter..
Surprises often jump out at us when we least expect them. (Of course, that's why they're labeled "surprises"!) Sometimes they are welcome, at other times they leave us in awe and utter shock. They can be small as when we find something around the house that has been missing for some time. Or, they can be huge as when a woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant — exciting for many, but a surprise that can cause some to feel anxious, depressed, and afraid of what the future holds.
The most surprising thing that could happen in our future would be that it offered no surprises. Because the future has surprised us so often in the past, it would be inconceivable to have a future with no surprises. Those events that will be really startling and have important consequences, futurists have called wild cards. Wild cards have the potential to radically change many people’s thinking and planning. You plan a vacation, for example, and an important family member suddenly dies, and just as suddenly all your time, effort, attention, and finances must be directed elsewhere. Vacation plans now seem frivolous, meaningless, and beside the point.
What we must learn to do in the face of surprises — especially those futurists have labeled wild cards (those that push our buttons or trigger our adrenaline) — is to pull back and take some time to think. Before reacting with an emotional outburst, a nasty letter, or vile e-mail, we must think about the ramifications. The point is that we should never respond quickly just to be done with the matter. It’s a male tendency. That’s what gets many of us in trouble. It is when we are most prone to making mistakes — our emotions control us not our thoughts, and we are likely to say or do exactly the wrong thing.
In the face of surprises, we might want to take a long walk, breathe deeply a few times, and find time to research the facts. The world is not black and white — I am right and the other person is wrong — and there are any number of other alternatives to what is proposed or what has happened, and any alternative is strengthened when buttressed with facts. The key is thinking before acting.
Sometimes the answer lies in why the other person might think or act the way they do. When you count to 10, or even 100, when you feel like striking out and responding immediately, or take that long walk before presuming to know the “real truth” about a situation, the other person’s motives may become obvious. Think about it. Before ascribing sinister motives to others, ask, “Are they under stress that is causing them to react more strongly than what the issue warrants?” Before shooting back a potentially damaging reply, could the surprising event be but a feather floating softly across your horizon? Think about it. Can you simply watch it float by without reacting to it? Many answers lie in no answer at all!
Sometimes the answer to a surprise is not clear. Ask a friend, co-worker, another family member, priest, pastor, or rabbi how they would handle this. Think about it. Consider the possibility, as just noted, of not responding at all, and see how things are in a few days.
It is true that even with a boatload of suggestions, it won’t prevent people from occasionally doing something stupid or unfortunate. Just controlling our own behavior on a daily basis is a constant and formidable challenge. Even those who are older and considered by many to be mature adults struggle with this at times. There is no handbook, and even if there were, it is unlikely to cover every circumstance, all possible conditions, and each incident when and where you could be taken by surprise — and then, definitive instructions on how to handle it. Controlling the behavior of others — to limit the surprises they create for us — is totally outside our ability, much as we would like to believe that we can tell others what is wrong with them and what they should do to fix it! Even if we could, others are likely to take unkindly to instruction, training, or enlightenment from others who are outside the teaching, training, or instructional professions. Often, people take unkindly to instruction no matter the source!
There are ways to cope with surprises, but remember, a surprise would not be a surprise if you could completely anticipate and prepare for it. First, be yourself. As authentically as you can be, be aware that you are not going to agree with everyone all the time. Disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are part of life, and the best way to cope is to be yourself.
Second, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with others. Remember that other people, no matter how they have surprised you, are human beings who suffer the same challenges as you. Part of being gentle with others is to assume that their motives are pure and that they are only trying to deal with things as they see them. When you reveal empathy — trying to see the world as they do — it helps keep things in perspective. Be cautious in how you react to others
The third way to cope with surprises is to get plenty of rest, exercise, and good nutrition. Dealing with life’s stresses — let alone the surprises that are dished out along the way to keep you on your toes — requires all the strength, fortitude, and resilience you can muster. That strength of character, backbone, and courage must come from a firm, solid, and sturdy foundation.
The fourth way to cope with surprises is to be completely and brutally honest with yourself about how you contributed to any conflict, misunderstanding, or surprise. If the surprise came via e-mail, text message, letter, or phone call, you could make yourself a pledge not to respond until the next day — if that is possible. This will give you time to think about the roots of the conflict or misunderstanding. Even if you wait until later in the day, you will have time to consider what your response might mean and how you can react in a more positive manner. Instead of sending a response, call the person and chat or, better yet, talk in person. Try to avoid tacking one surprise on top of another since this may escalate the emotional involvement and further complicate what may have been simple miscommunication.
Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s how you cope with them that counts. They are going to happen, and preparation is possible. The better prepared you are, the easier they are to handle.
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At the CanyonRanch website, there is a delightful, short essay, “Coping with change,” full of practical suggestions: 1) Stay true to the authentic you, 2) Remember what’s important, 3) Do things that give you joy, 4) Live in gratitude, 5) Control what you can control, 6) Become the solution, 7) Try something new, 8) Talk about it, 9) Exercise, eat well, stay healthy. Good ideas in a well-written essay.
At DocStocSync, the article is entitled, “Coping with loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement,” and I realize it is a little off topic here, and the article is longer than those I normally recommend; however, the ideas in this article are excellent. It strikes me that if the surprise is large enough, and if the surprise truly shakes us to our core, then the steps for coping and the guide to grieving offered in the article are outstanding. They are too long to reproduce here, but the article is terrific.
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Copyright February, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
I was looking for a topic to write about; often I make notes or outline an essay subtly on a small pad in my lap during church services. This time it was the sermon topic itself, “Surprised by God,” by Georganna Mawer, that provided the spark that led to this essay. Surprise! The topic was right in front of me. This happens often, and I never cease to be amazed at the occurrence when I am looking for a topic to write about, and I find it offered, as if on a silver platter..
Surprises often jump out at us when we least expect them. (Of course, that's why they're labeled "surprises"!) Sometimes they are welcome, at other times they leave us in awe and utter shock. They can be small as when we find something around the house that has been missing for some time. Or, they can be huge as when a woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant — exciting for many, but a surprise that can cause some to feel anxious, depressed, and afraid of what the future holds.
The most surprising thing that could happen in our future would be that it offered no surprises. Because the future has surprised us so often in the past, it would be inconceivable to have a future with no surprises. Those events that will be really startling and have important consequences, futurists have called wild cards. Wild cards have the potential to radically change many people’s thinking and planning. You plan a vacation, for example, and an important family member suddenly dies, and just as suddenly all your time, effort, attention, and finances must be directed elsewhere. Vacation plans now seem frivolous, meaningless, and beside the point.
What we must learn to do in the face of surprises — especially those futurists have labeled wild cards (those that push our buttons or trigger our adrenaline) — is to pull back and take some time to think. Before reacting with an emotional outburst, a nasty letter, or vile e-mail, we must think about the ramifications. The point is that we should never respond quickly just to be done with the matter. It’s a male tendency. That’s what gets many of us in trouble. It is when we are most prone to making mistakes — our emotions control us not our thoughts, and we are likely to say or do exactly the wrong thing.
In the face of surprises, we might want to take a long walk, breathe deeply a few times, and find time to research the facts. The world is not black and white — I am right and the other person is wrong — and there are any number of other alternatives to what is proposed or what has happened, and any alternative is strengthened when buttressed with facts. The key is thinking before acting.
Sometimes the answer lies in why the other person might think or act the way they do. When you count to 10, or even 100, when you feel like striking out and responding immediately, or take that long walk before presuming to know the “real truth” about a situation, the other person’s motives may become obvious. Think about it. Before ascribing sinister motives to others, ask, “Are they under stress that is causing them to react more strongly than what the issue warrants?” Before shooting back a potentially damaging reply, could the surprising event be but a feather floating softly across your horizon? Think about it. Can you simply watch it float by without reacting to it? Many answers lie in no answer at all!
Sometimes the answer to a surprise is not clear. Ask a friend, co-worker, another family member, priest, pastor, or rabbi how they would handle this. Think about it. Consider the possibility, as just noted, of not responding at all, and see how things are in a few days.
It is true that even with a boatload of suggestions, it won’t prevent people from occasionally doing something stupid or unfortunate. Just controlling our own behavior on a daily basis is a constant and formidable challenge. Even those who are older and considered by many to be mature adults struggle with this at times. There is no handbook, and even if there were, it is unlikely to cover every circumstance, all possible conditions, and each incident when and where you could be taken by surprise — and then, definitive instructions on how to handle it. Controlling the behavior of others — to limit the surprises they create for us — is totally outside our ability, much as we would like to believe that we can tell others what is wrong with them and what they should do to fix it! Even if we could, others are likely to take unkindly to instruction, training, or enlightenment from others who are outside the teaching, training, or instructional professions. Often, people take unkindly to instruction no matter the source!
There are ways to cope with surprises, but remember, a surprise would not be a surprise if you could completely anticipate and prepare for it. First, be yourself. As authentically as you can be, be aware that you are not going to agree with everyone all the time. Disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are part of life, and the best way to cope is to be yourself.
Second, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with others. Remember that other people, no matter how they have surprised you, are human beings who suffer the same challenges as you. Part of being gentle with others is to assume that their motives are pure and that they are only trying to deal with things as they see them. When you reveal empathy — trying to see the world as they do — it helps keep things in perspective. Be cautious in how you react to others
The third way to cope with surprises is to get plenty of rest, exercise, and good nutrition. Dealing with life’s stresses — let alone the surprises that are dished out along the way to keep you on your toes — requires all the strength, fortitude, and resilience you can muster. That strength of character, backbone, and courage must come from a firm, solid, and sturdy foundation.
The fourth way to cope with surprises is to be completely and brutally honest with yourself about how you contributed to any conflict, misunderstanding, or surprise. If the surprise came via e-mail, text message, letter, or phone call, you could make yourself a pledge not to respond until the next day — if that is possible. This will give you time to think about the roots of the conflict or misunderstanding. Even if you wait until later in the day, you will have time to consider what your response might mean and how you can react in a more positive manner. Instead of sending a response, call the person and chat or, better yet, talk in person. Try to avoid tacking one surprise on top of another since this may escalate the emotional involvement and further complicate what may have been simple miscommunication.
Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s how you cope with them that counts. They are going to happen, and preparation is possible. The better prepared you are, the easier they are to handle.
-----
At the CanyonRanch website, there is a delightful, short essay, “Coping with change,” full of practical suggestions: 1) Stay true to the authentic you, 2) Remember what’s important, 3) Do things that give you joy, 4) Live in gratitude, 5) Control what you can control, 6) Become the solution, 7) Try something new, 8) Talk about it, 9) Exercise, eat well, stay healthy. Good ideas in a well-written essay.
At DocStocSync, the article is entitled, “Coping with loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement,” and I realize it is a little off topic here, and the article is longer than those I normally recommend; however, the ideas in this article are excellent. It strikes me that if the surprise is large enough, and if the surprise truly shakes us to our core, then the steps for coping and the guide to grieving offered in the article are outstanding. They are too long to reproduce here, but the article is terrific.
-----
Copyright February, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
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