New Year's Jokes

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

What greater way to prepare for the New Year than by sharing with my readers, my favorite New Year’s jokes?  There is no order here.  Some are clearly better than others, but I thought all of them had merit—or they wouldn’t be included.  Most give quick and sufficient testimony to what happened to me: When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year. I gave up thinking.  Let’s begin with a letter to the lord dated January 1st:   
    Dear Lord
    So far this year I've done well.
    I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
    Amen
    
You’ve heard of the serenity prayer?  This is the senility prayer:
        God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
        The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
        And the eyesight to tell the difference.
    
Many New Year’s resolutions are about dieting:  It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.  The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.  The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat.  It's watching what other people eat.  An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and dessert.  

About dieting, Jackie Gleason said, “A funny thing with a diet, the second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second day you're off it.”
    
A great way to lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.  Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much.
    
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
    
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
    
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  “What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
    “I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
    “And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?” enquired the constable sarcastically.
    “My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.
    
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
    “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.”
    
Now for a joke that is very sad. There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
    
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
    
 After listening to some bedtime stories, Alex, a little boy, said to his father, “Snow White was poisoned by an apple, Jack found a giant on a beanstalk, and just look what happened to Alice when she ate the mushroom. And you wonder why I won't eat fruit and vegetables?”
    
And a final joke (another one) that has nothing to do with New Years, but offers us all something to think about.  A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
    
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
    
"Yes, I do," she replies.
    
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
    
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    
        The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said,

"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years."
    
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
    
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
    
It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”  May the new year bring you health, wealth, and prosperity.  Of course, that’s the same toast someone made at your wedding, and where did that get you?
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At About.com , the essay there, by Amber J. Tresca,  “10 Tips for Keeping New Year's Resolutions: The best way to stick with your resolution is to plan ahead.,” offers realistic tips and great advice.

Sue Shallenbarger, at the web site , offers the essay, “A Cheat Sheet for Keeping Resolutions .”  Like the essay above, there are realistic tips and great advice here as well.
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Copyright December, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Christmas ambiance

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    
It’s true, we work at creating a Christmas ambiance.  It is a warm, delightful, memorable environment that is created not just by one or two special features but with at least five elements that, together, make a difference.  

The lighting is diffused, but it comes from candles in the window and unblinking white Christmas tree lights that are coordinated with evergreens across the mantle that have similar lighting. They produce a calming effect.  There is a ceramic Christmas tree in the dining room with multi-colored lights, a white-lighted Christmas tree on our porch, and the sway hung from the arch between the living and dining rooms has multi-colored lights.
    
Our Christmas tree — what I call our “Memory Tree” — is hung with the trinkets and small souvenirs we collect on our many road and cruise trips.  In addition, it is strung with artificial cranberries and artificial popcorn, but what gives it a true Early-American flavor is the baby’s breath that fills all the nooks and crannies when the tree is finally, fully decorated.
    
Music contributes to the ambiance as well.  As I have collected the close to 100 Christmas CDs over the years, I have concentrated mostly on CDs that have music without singers or singing.  It is soothing, restful, peaceful, and creates a light mood that fills the senses.  I have CDs that feature the piano by itself as well as others that include solo performances using the flute, harp, saxophone, hammered dulcimer, pan flute, and other such instruments.   I enjoy light classics as well as traditional carols, but it is the effect of the pleasant background that creates the true ambiance.
    
We have a fireplace in our living room, and at Christmas we light the ceramic-wood-looking logs.  The fire along with all the other Christmas lights provide enough light for family members to converse, drink their hot tea, eggnog, or hot spiced cider and nibble on crackers topped with smoked oysters, cream cheese and black or red caviar, as well as other Christmas hors d’oeuvers.
    
Our final contribution to the Christmas ambiance is developing a pleasant scent.  We have found that vanilla home fresheners serve this purpose.  Other methods include burning scented candles or simmering a holiday potpourri on the stove.
    
When I come to the dining-room table in the morning for breakfast by myself, it is before the sun comes up.  While everything is dark, I turn on the Christmas lights of three trees as well as the archway greenery between the living and dining rooms, put on a Christmas CD that has no words, and simply bask in the wonderful Christmas ambince.
    
It is, indeed, Christmas ambiance, and it doesn’t exist just in our home.  No matter what your religion or what you believe, there is no escaping holiday programs, decorations, and special Christmas events.  Maybe I’m a softie (I know I am!), but I am deeply affected by the holiday spirit.
    
When I see the houses in my neighborhood all lit up, when I see stores heavily decorated, and even the stores with aisles and aisles of Christmas merchandise, and then when it snows and everything is white, it just reinforces all the joy I feel sitting in my house.  For me, all of this has to do with joyfulness, celebration, and a true sense of belonging — not just to a wonderful, supportive, and delightful family, but to a neighborhood and a community.  
    
When everyone is enjoying the holidays, there is an invisible bonding that occurs that keeps the human connections vibrant, alive, and important.
    
I am fully cognizant of those people who object to having manger scenes on public grounds — and I completely agree with their purpose in maintaining the separation of church and state — but I have always felt that this isn’t the proper season for protest, objection, or demonstration.  These points can just as easily be made, discussed, and decisions made at other times.  Not at Christmas.  Christmas is the season for joy, happiness, and celebration.
    
Think about it, there aren’t enough times during the year (or even in our lives) when everyone comes together with all of their lights, decorations, Christmas programs, and special seasonal events to proclaim and reflect the holiday spirit.
    
You can claim that all of this —everything designed to celebrate Christmas — is designed with the express purpose of proclaiming the birth of Jesus, but I would contend otherwise.  That may explain some of the etymology of Christmas, but in no way does that need to explain how it has evolved.  I believe that everything that is Christmas — all of the ambiance and spirit — can be clearly seen and enjoyed without the haze of religion clouding the topic.  That is, indeed, the point of this essay: how easy it is to enjoy everything that is Christmas for the sheer joy of the lights, appreciation of the decorations, delight in the music, acknowledgment of the scents, and ability to take in the special events that mark the annual event.
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The Purpose of Christmas website, offers wonderful information as well as a terrific, informative, and interesting article by Tom Flynn, “What Today’s Americans Need to Know about Xmas.”

Alyice Edrich’s essay, “Get Into the Christmas Spirit,” at the Ezine@rticles website, offers twelve specific ways to get into the Christmas Spirit.  She ends her essay saying, “Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's something that will make you feel good about yourself and the season.”

Kat Apf’s essay, “Simple ways to get into the Christmas spirit for the holidays,” at the Hellium website offers eight different ways.  Kat discusses the topics, music, food, volunteer, small people, religion, friends, Christmas cards, and decorate.  “In the end,” Kat finishes the essay saying, “Just relax and do the things you enjoy and the Christmas spirit will most likely follow.”
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Self-discipline can change your life in any way you want it to

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
    
During my early years, I heard from my parents about the Puritan work ethic, but every time I heard the phrase it was connected with working hard.  Never did I know that it was a biblically based teaching on the necessity of hard work, perfection, and the goodness of labor.
    
Only when I was in college and pursued research on New England preachers, did I realize that it was protestant preachers who preached on the goodness and the necessity of labor for its effect on humans, of course, but more broadly, for its effect on Christian society.
    
Although the term was coined by Max Weber, the phrase “Puritan work ethic” was part of 1800s American culture, and it was seen by some Americans as one of the cornerstones of national prosperity.  The Puritans may have personally defined it by saying, “I am to be honest, hard working, reliable, sober, mindful of the future, appropriate in my relationships, successful, and thereby give glory to God,” but, I am certain my parents used it strictly as a motivational tool: “You’ve got to work hard son, if you want to make anything of your life.”
    
Perhaps it was the philosophy or maybe it was just good genes, but I was never one to shy away from hard work.  I have always thought of self-discipline as the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state, and I have come to use the words “self-discipline” in place of the Puritan work ethic, because I want to be in control of my life.  In my mind, it is exactly as William Feather said: “If we don’t discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.”  Self-discipline puts the control in our own hands.
    
Now we know that self-discipline can be a stronger predictor of success than IQ (Psychological Science, Vol. 16:12 (December 2005), p. 939).
    
Just as I was told that the Puritan work ethic was a vital characteristic of successful people, I make the same claim for self-discipline.  To face the challenges and problems along the path to success and achievement, you have to persevere and be strong.  It is self-discipline that helps you control your actions and stay on track.
    
It doesn’t take much reading or observation to acknowledge lack of self-discipline.  Problems such as being overweight, procrastinating, debt, poor relationships, excessive stress, poor work performance, laziness, smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, negative habits, poor appearance, and many others can be traced to our tendency to justify our words, actions, and behaviors.  Self-discipline along with passion and planning can wipe out these problems.  Within the domain of problems it can solve, it is unmatched.  Although the problems we face and the methods we use to deal with them will vary, the underlying solution remains the same.
    
Self-discipline affects your confidence, because being in control will boost your confidence and esteem.  It affects how you see yourself, because your self image will be better when you know you can succeed and change.  It affects your ability to see projects through, allows you to stay focused, and it can change your life in any way you want it to.
    
Self-discipline is like a muscle.  The more you train it, the stronger you become; the less you train it, the weaker you become.  Just as most people have weak muscles compared with how strong they could become with training, most people are weak in their level of self-discipline.
    
There is an old story about a man who went to a tattooist because he had always wanted a  tattoo of a lion on his back.  The tattooist started to sketch the tail into the man’s torso: “Ouch!  What are you doing?” asked the man.  “I’m doing the lion’s tail” replied the tattooist.  “Well then for goodness sake let’s have a lion without a tail!” said the man, wincing in pain.
    
Next the artist set about on the Lion’s whiskers.  “Ouch!” cried the man, “What’s that?”  “The whiskers!” said the tattooist, getting increasingly irritated.  “Well let’s have a lion without whiskers!” moaned his customer.
    
The tattooist then set about doing the Lion’s back.  “No that hurts too!” shouted the man.  At this, the tattooist finally lost his patience with the man’s lack of self-discipline.  Throwing down his tools and the man out of his shop, he shouted, “How can you expect to get what you want without a little discomfort?”
    
You become handicapped when you base your decisions purely on your comfort level?  It is too easy to have a wishbone where your backbone should be.  It was Beverly Sills, the opera singer, who said, “There are no short cuts to any place worth going.”
    
The more you use your muscles, the stronger they get.  It is the exercised muscle that lifts the weight.  Mastering self-discipline can be learned, and with it you can accomplish anything.  Without it, nothing worthwhile or lasting can be achieved.
    
If you want greater self-discipline, start exercising your self-discipline muscles.  How?  Work first, then play.  When doing something new, resist the fear of being a “phony”; as you improve, the feeling lessens.  Keep company with disciplined people; often, we imitate those with whom we associate.  Tolerate discomfort gracefully.  Take advantage of high-energy moods, knowing they won’t last.  Imitate those you admire.  Divide large tasks into smaller ones.  Take risks knowing that life without them is safe but boring.  Practice your new skills and exercising on and off all day, if not physically, at least mentally.  Often, mental rehearsal can be as good as physical as long as it is directed and purposeful.  Finally, sleep on important decisions knowing that it prevents impulsive actions.
    
If you tend to be undisciplined, use the little discipline you have to build more.  The more disciplined you become, the easier life gets.  Challenges once impossible will seem like child’s play as you learn new skills, overcome difficulty and hardships, and improve your life.  Because we are what we repeatedly do, self-discipline will not be an act, but a habit.
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Remez Sasson’s essay, “Self-Discipline: Its Benefits and Importance,” at the website SuccessConsciousness, offers specific steps for developing self-discipline and, too, ways to make acquiring it easier.


 SpiritLeo at HubPages, offers an excellent essay that offers guidelines for developing it in your personal life and on the job.  Also, he discusses three systems that will help offer guidance and direction.
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

               

One of the best things to have up your sleeve

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
    
You can hear our table at almost any function we attend as a group.  It is the loudest because of the laughter and joy being shared.  There were eight of us at the table in a Chinese buffet, and each time there was an outburst of laughter, I looked around to notice that we caught the eye of almost everyone else in the restaurant.  After awhile it became accepted and understood: we were having a great deal of fun.
    
Now, we didn’t purposefully raise our four children to have a sense of humor, but if we had tried, we couldn’t have done better than we did.  All are grown now with their own families, and all share our sense of humor.  It isn’t that we were laughing all the time, it’s just that when things are funny we laugh.  It’s just that there are so many opportunities to make a humorous aside, to add a needed punch line, or to see the humor in natural, ordinary, everyday events.
    
When our family gets together, we laugh.
    
All during the time our children were young, one thing we all knew is that we would be having dinner together.  We would discuss the day’s events, what was going on in our children’s lives, current events, as well as questions and concerns.  But, always, we would laugh and have fun.  I remember a number of times when our children would bring friends for dinner, they would remark about how much fun they had at our mealtimes.
    
My wife and I never used humor for a specific purpose, although we were well aware that by using it, it served a number of purposes.  For example, we used it as a way to connect with our kids.  Often, when our kids were depressed, feeling angry or upset, humor helped them replace their distressing emotions.  Another thing we discovered is that when one of our children didn’t want to talk about what happened during their day, or they were simply not wanting to talk about anything, humor would change their behavior.  We would begin slowly, and as soon as the rest of us (we have a family of six) were chatting, kidding, and laughing, we would find everyone getting involved, talking more and making more eye contact.
    
Dinnertime at our house often preceded evenings of doing school assignments and projects as well as homework.  Seldom did an evening consist of watching television.  Our dinnertime conversations increased our energy.  I found on a regular basis, when I had class work, writing, or lecture preparation planned for an evening, inevitably our conversations and interactions over dinner refreshed and invigorated me.  It was as if I could begin my evening activities as if I was starting out in the morning.  (I am a morning person for the most part.)
    
There are some important “teaching moments” where humor can serve as a catalyst.  Many of these were specifically designed to help our kids lighten up.  For example, we tried to help them not take themselves too seriously.  Of course, this is more important as the kids get older — after they become aware that the world does not revolve around them.   Our kids were given a certain amount of freedom in how they dressed, what they chose to play with, and how they talked.  There were obvious parameters or general guidelines, but seldom did we ever find ourselves having to define these or remind our kids of them.  For example, school dress codes had to be observed, when an item was forbidden in school, they could not disobey the rule, and swearing and cussing were never allowed.  Most of these items, however, were clarified by the examples my wife and I set for them, so there was seldom, if ever, questions.
    
Openness is an important characteristic to establish in family conversations.  Our kids were encouraged to share their experiences, even their embarrassing moments.  Sometimes, it simply requires putting things into perspective.  For example, when a child is punished for doing something wrong at school, there is no doubt that school authority must never be undermined in any way; however, “doing something wrong” can be placed into the experience of learning, getting an education, "the school of hard knocks,” or simply “how the lessons of life must sometimes be learned.”
    
My wife and I were never troublemakers and, fortunately, never were our kids.  But, the testing that goes on while we are in school, pushing the frontiers of acceptability, and trying to get away with something all are methods of learning, and when it comes to the “lessons of life,” they are useful, important, and memorable.  I remember the first time I ever skipped school, faked a “sick” note from home, cheated on a test, or used another student’s ideas as my own.  No, these are not proud moments; however, they are lessons, and the questions parents can ask their children if any situations like these occur are: “How did it make you feel?”  “What did you learn from this experience?” “If you were to face the same situation again, would you do the same thing?”  “Can you understand why this is improper behavior?”  “If you were a parent or teacher, and you discovered one of your children or students had done this, what would you do?”  (If punishment took place. . . ): “Do you think the punishment you received was correct?”  “What would you have done?”
    
What my wife and I discovered is — after a history of dinner table conversations — family members could begin to laugh at themselves.  Children often take themselves too seriously, and it helps them to hear similar experiences shared by parents --- and parents, too, who are willing to admit their own errors and weaknesses.  Often, we could take our children’s lead.  That is, we were the ones learning from them.  We often found them the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing.  It was a great experience when they would bring jokes they heard from friends, in school, or in their reading to the dinner table.  It not only gave them the spotlight, but it provided them, too, a sense of control, a chance to test their own perceptions about what’s funny and what isn’t, and a way to deliver information and ideas in a secure situation that was important to them.
    
When problems were discussed in an open manner, within the context of enjoyment and sharing, our children soon learned about situations that were worth getting upset over, what was important and what was not, that most situations were reparable (they are not life or death), and, too, they learned how to own their problems.
    
When I gave a speech some years ago I used the phrase, “One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.”  That phrase from my speech was discovered and used in an issue of Reader’s Digest and still later, as a result of publication in the Digest it was picked up by Garborg’s (Bloomington, MN) and published in their perpetual calendar, “Cherished Thoughts,” where it appears with my name attached, on April 24th.  Having a funny bone up your sleeve is something that can be taught, and if parents were smart, it can be begun early and carried through a lifetime.  What a terrific gift for children --- implant a funny bone!
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At HelpGuide.org there is a wonderfully helpful, thorough, and well-written essay, “Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter.”  Our children were lucky to grow up in a house where they were surrounded with laughter.  There was an appropriate quotation that applies in this essay: “Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.”

The essay “Creating a Close Family,” at Internet of the Mina includes a wonderful section, “Participation and Cooperation,” which discusses the following qualities: commitment,
connectedness, acceptance , appreciation, trust and safety, truthfulness, flexible rules,
response-ability, and healthy boundaries.  There is much more in this essay, but this is the information that directly relates to my essay.
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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Must-have Christmas presents

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

If you are a regular reader of my blog (posted, too, on Facebook) there are several things you know about me (maybe even more!).  First, you know that I am a reader of a wide range of non-fiction books, since I have now posted more than 200 book reviews on the blog.  Second, you know that I love quotations and aphorisms and thoughts, which I have collected in a book entitled SMOERs -Self Motivation, Optimism, Encourage Rules: Daily Reminders for Outstanding Living, which has a website all of its own.
   
The book, SMOERs gives 365 daily, motivational, suggestions like “Take time to smell the roses,” “Be willing to change,” “Enjoy the best years of your life,” and “Break out from conformity,” that are supported by an average of four quotations each day.  The quotations range from classical writers such as Cicero and Aristotle to modern-day prophets such as Oprah Winfrey, Carol Burnett.and Zig Zigler.  I’ve even included a number of my own quotations when I was looking for some incredibly profound, insightful, or wise comments.  (I’m kidding about the profound, insightful, and wise characterization, but not about including some of my own quotes.)
   
If you were looking for a Christmas present for the person who has everything, this would be a perfect present.  You can purchase it at Amazon.com.  It even has a picture of a perfect s’more on the cover that illustrates the perfection within!  (Kidding again!)
   
Now, I have moved away from the thoughts captured in paragraph one, above.  Another thing you have learned about me, if you are a regular reader of my blog, is that I write motivational essays.  Whether it was delivering college lectures, giving speeches to different organizations (16 of which were published in Vital Speeches of the Day), writing college textbooks, or creating essays for our local newspaper, I have been involved with motivational material my entire professional life.
   
As a result of my interest in motivational material, I have assembled my most profound, stimulating, and inspiring essays in a book entitled You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life!, which is a collection of the best of the best!  If you know of someone who needs to read uplifting information, who needs a boost in their lives to get them off square one (or out of a rut), or who simply enjoys reading self-improvement material, this book is a great choice.  There are no age restrictions involved.  In this 316-page book, there are 50 essays. 
   
The essays in You Rules (which is available at Amazon.com) begin by establishing the foundation for growth, development, and change — learning to be optimistic, developing a positive attitude, getting out of comfort zones, and getting organized.   The next section, “Strive to be healthy,” discusses what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle.  The third section, “Get where you want to go,” offers suggestions for developing self-disciple, managing yourself, pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps, controlling worry, developing memory, and moving to the front of the pack.  “Exercising your creativity” is the fourth section, and readers will find all the ingredients necessary for developing the characteristics of successful, creative people.  The fifth section discusses how to maintain progress toward your goals by dealing with failure, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable influences, and making self-improvements last.  The final section on looking toward a positive future has essays on developing a growth mindset, understanding and achieving forgiveness, becoming a loving human being, and living the good life.
   
Speaking of possible Christmas presents — presents people would really enjoy finding under their Christmas tree — I want to recommend several other books.  A neighbor of mine wanted me to give his daughters some lessons in effective public speaking, because he knew of its importance in the world.  I told him to order my book, Public Speaking Rules: All You Need for a GREAT Speech! and then, if he had any additional questions, to ask me.  At a later meeting he admitted purchasing the book at Amazon.com, having both his daughters read it, and finding (after asking them) that it really helped them.  He said, the information is straightforward and to the point, the suggestions can be easily followed, and the advice is accurate and useful.  Of course, I thanked him (and, thus, avoided giving some individual tutoring lessons).
   
Public Speaking Rules, a book designed for all those involved in public speaking of any kind, and it grew out of over 30 years of writing, lecturing, and speaking about it.  Counting all the editions of my textbooks I have written over 30, and many include aspects of public speaking.  Immersed in the area, I have distilled what I know and what I know works, and put it all into this 180-page, nuts-and-bolts book that tells it like it is and, too, is available at Amazon.com.
   
Another great Christmas gift idea is the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment, which, once again, is a distillation and condensation of all the work I have done in the area of interpersonal communication.  If you have anyone going into, just coming out of, or planning to enter a relationship, this book is one of those “must read” items that really “tells it like it is.”  You can find it at Amazon.com just as you can all of the books mentioned in this essay.
   
Some of my fondest Christmas memories can be traced back to those times when I unwrapped books.  They are wonderful Christmas presents and they create dual memories — one set of memories when they are opened and another set of memories when they are read.  Please think about the books in this essay — especially if you have people on your list who are difficult to please, hard to buy for, or just enjoy good books.
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There are other books that make great Christmas gifts as well.  The first, How to Be Funny on Purpose: Creating and Consuming Humor, by Edgar E. Willis, offers serious readers the history of humor on radio and television, specific instructions on how to create humor, and ways to listen to, analyze, and appreciate humor.  It is available at Amazon.com.

If you have anyone in your family who served in World War II or is currently in the military he or she will enjoy the book Civilian in an Ill-fitting Uniform: Memoir of World War II, by Edgar Willis.  Not only does this book provide a personal look at the war (and it’s not all favorable!), but it gives readers the historical context for the war as well.  This one is available at Amazon.com, too.

Access my blog at Andthensomeworks.com. for book reviews, news about And Then Some Publishing, quotations, essays, and Friday's "LAUGH . . . And Then Some."


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Copyright December, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

How long should you hold a grudge?

By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    
Asked how long he holds a grudge, one fellow replied, “Until hell freezes over.”  Another said, it depends on two things: 1) the intent, and 2) the gravity of the situation.  Yet another person said, “If the person is an idiot, I simply consider the source and dismiss both the person and the comment or situation.”  And the final person asked, said, “I turn the other cheek.”
    
The only reason this topic came up has to do with a father-in-law who never lets grudges die.  He doesn’t listen to Diane Sawyer for the national news because she went to work for President Richard Nixon's administration in 1970. At first she served in the White House press office, and after Nixon resigned, she helped him with his memoirs.  He can never forgive her and will always hold the grudge and never watch her deliver the national news.
    
He cannot forgive a doctor for coming to an appointment late; he cannot forgive a fellow (a former husband of his granddaughter) because of a belief/theory that he took a lockbox from his home; he cannot forgive a nurse who gave him wrong advice (non-essential).  
    
He holds grudges, too, against John McCain not just for his flip-flops on his principles but for bringing us Sarah Palin.  He holds more serious grudges against Newt Gingrich because he is a multiple adulterer, a draft dodger, a dead-beat dad, an advocate of family values and yet asking for a divorce while his wife was in the hospital, and his house banking scandal (he bounced 22 checks) — among other things.  At one website it says, “Gingrich was apparently dating [Callista] Bisek all during [the] Clinton-Lewinsky adultery scandal, even as he proclaimed family values and bitterly criticized the President for his adultery.”  These grudges will never die.
    
There are many reasons we hold grudges according to the Psychology Today website.  In an article there, “How to forgive others,”  by Alex Lickerman, M.D., six reasons are listed.  Mine are adapted from his.   First, one reason we hold grudges is that we can’t let go of our anger.  Second, we want to satisfy our sense of justice and, thus, we hold the grudge because we believe the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness.  Third, not to hold a grudge is to condone what the offender did.  Fourth, our grudge doesn’t let our offender off the hook without punishment.  Our grudge is our personal punishment of our offender.  Fifth, to hold the grudge is to harm as we've been harmed.  It feels satisfying   Sixth, we feel the offender is incapable of good behavior; thus, our grudge reduces the other’s sense of humanness.  The grudge prevents us from believing they have any positive characteristics at all.
    
The essential message with respect to holding grudges is that when you hold a grudge you let someone else (the other person) severely influence your thinking and, perhaps, your behavior.  It gives the other person too much power, and it diminishes your own power and control.  There is a great deal of negative energy involved in holding grudges, thus, it hurts you, not the other person.  Holding a grudge serves no good purpose.
    
Now, I’m not saying that there are no reasons for initiating or holding grudges, but how long to hold them has a lot to do with the kind of infraction committed and the importance of the issue to the individual who was wronged.  Within relationships, a variety of elements determine the answer to how long to hold them.  Think about it.  How much relationship history is involved? How much do you value the relationship?  How much do you value the other person?  How strongly do you feel the other person is committed to the issue?  Do you think the other person is likely to change his or her commitment over time?  You get the point: there are many issues involved.
    
At the website, TheHappySelf: Personal transformation for thinking people, the essay, “Don’t hold a grudge!” offers six specific steps for getting over grudges through forgiveness.   There are many websites with suggestions and guidelines for achieving forgiveness, but I thought these were reasonable and achievable.  First, commit to letting go by admitting that you have grudges, and the longer you harbor them the less peace of mind and the more personal misery and suffering.  Second, shift your focus by spending your time and energy on happier things.  Third, make a grudge list by listing on a sheet of paper every grudge and resentment that occurs to you.  Be honest.   Now, fourth, confess.  Tell a confidante about each of the grudges listed.  Not only will this offer relief, but it will make you feel better, too.  Fifth, read over your grudges one by one, and say goodbye to each one — goodbye to the misery, pain, and suffering they have caused.  Sixth, forgive yourself and move on.  
    
Remember, by forgiving yourself and moving on, you are doing something that will benefit yourself by improving, strengthening, and advancing your thinking and behavior.  Why?  Because constant thinking about the people or events that made you establish the grudge in the first place only heightens the feelings that make you moody, anxious, irritable, and short tempered.  Carrying the grudge erodes your best thinking, corrodes your behavior, and wears away your happiness and contentedness.
    
It always helps me to remember that I cannot control the actions of others.  To try is to waste valuable time and effort.  What I have total control over is my own thoughts and actions.  This is power.  Thus, if I can stop all the negative thoughts about events, actions, and situations that others have caused, I can stop reliving that hurt and move on.  It is important, I have found, to realize I have the choice to move on.  I have the power.  I just have to remember to exercise the power I have.
    
To answer the question that is the title of this article, no one has cornered the market on how long grudges may be held.  The best answer to the question, how long should you hold grudges is another question: How quickly should you dispense with grudges?  The answer is clear: as quickly as you can.  The essay at TheHappySelf  website closes with the comment: “Grudges are the domain of small, petty people, not you, life is too short to be hung up on hate for the whole time that you are here, and being unforgiving may make you feel invulnerable, but it will most definitely cost you happiness in the long run.”
    
Now, all this information comes a little late for my father-in-law mentioned in the opening examples.  There is no doubt he will take his grudges to the grave.  But, that makes me wonder.  He is 97-years-old!  Perhaps holding grudges is the key to longevity.
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The best website I have discovered on letting go of grudges and forgiveness is the MayoClinic website, on Adult Health.  The article there, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness, is written by Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., a member of the Mayo Clinic staff.  The article covers what forgiveness is, the benefits of forgiveness, why it’s easy to hold a grudge, the effects of holding a grudge, how to reach a state of forgiveness, what happens when you can’t forgive someone, whether or not forgiveness guarantees reconciliation, how to interact with the person who hurt you, what happens when the person you want to change doesn’t, and, finally, Piderman considers the question, “What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?”  This is a great article.

At LiveStrong there is a great deal of information in the essay, “Handling Forgiving and Forgetting,” that covers what is forgiving and forgetting, the negative consequences of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, and the steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

Learning to dance in the rain

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    

It was Vivian Green who said, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.”  Life presents storms; if we wait for one to pass, inevitably another lurks on the horizon or angrily stomps its way into our lives—not to be overlooked nor avoided.
    
So many factors enter our lives uninvited and, for the most part, unwanted.  Think about those in the midst of divorce, out-of-work, financially challenged, taking care of elderly or physically challenged family members, dealing with the death of a parent, child, or spouse, or in other similar traumatic circumstances.  The number of potential factors, of course, is overwhelming.  Any of them can put our lives on hold, arrest plans, or cause an uncontrollable tailspin, the likes of which we have not previously known.
    
Meanwhile—while the tempest rants, raves, and bellows at our senses—we are at the mercy of its unyielding energy.  Meanwhile, too, time ticks away.  If we do not learn how to dance in the rain, there may be no time for dancing at all.
    
This essay is not making a case for being carefree, flippant, or nonchalant during times of extreme stress; however, a case needs to be made for not shelving our freedoms, joys, and  happiness when such times occur.  There still needs to be time for us—for dancing in the rain.  Plans can continue, and lives can and must go on—the storms will pass.
    
At TeensHealth from Nemours, the author of the essay, “People React Emotionally and Physically,” writes in the first paragraph, “When coping with a death [or any traumatic circumstance], you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.”  
    
Later in this same essay, the author writes, “No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.”
    
One important point in dealing with the storms that come into our lives is to be mentally and physically strong—learn to dance well before the storms—for it is only in this condition that one can expect to face and weather them effectively.  When storms catch us already mentally and physically drained, the challenge can quickly become too much.  Exercising, eating right, and getting sufficient sleep provides a strong foundation from which good decisions can be made and appropriate responses and reactions can be offered.
    
Learning to dance in the rain means caring for yourself throughout a storm.  There are a number of “understandings” that will assist in the “dance.”  For example, realize that you are not being “singled out.”  Such traumas (no matter how extreme) happen to everyone, and they are—unfortunately—part of life.  To live is to suffer trauma.  
    
Do not isolate yourself.  Family, friends, and neighbors offer support and encouragement.  They are there to fortify a broken spirit, buoy up a grief-stricken heart, and shore up a battered mindset.  Isolation is not good.  It is the very thing that leads people to severe depressive episodes, and even worse, thoughts of suicide.
    
Permit some cathartic release.  Some people find release of their pent-up emotions through talking with others.  Talk about your feelings; tell of your emotional connections; relate the story of what has happened to you.  Another way to express yourself is through writing.  Use your diary or create a daily log of your thoughts and feelings.  Some, too, will write a story, article, song, essay, poem, or book.  This may become a tribute, or it may simply be a way to find some closure to all that has happened.
    
Do not drop out.  Traumas can be so overwhelming they cause some to say, “Why go on at all?”  “What difference does living make?”  “Now there is no purpose in life.”  Devastating should never be the same as destructive.  We can be devastated by a traumatic event, but in no way should that be cause for us to drop out or destroy our life.  The human spirit is amazingly resilient, and, although it is difficult to fathom it when in the midst of severe trauma, life can have meaning and joy again—if you have learned to dance before and during the storm.
    
At the web site, Mothering Mother and More the essay there by Carol Dodell, “Can you Grieve too Much?” includes the following paragraph about learning to dance in the rain, “Some people can and need to go right back into their jobs and life after a tragedy. It makes them feel normal, safe, that life has some continuity and gives their life meaning. These are good reasons to keep on course, and if that’s what you need, what works for you, then don’t feel guilty or think you’re not showing the proper response of grief just because you can go on with you life.”  
    
At LegacyConnect, “How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?” Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes, “That the amount of kairos time [‘the time within which personal life moves forward.’] it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than ‘the person on the street’ might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)”
    
The quotation by Vivian Green, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain,” carries great significance and meaning.  Those already dancing or preparing themselves to dance are likely to be those in the best position to weather storms.  The storms will come.  Whether liked, welcomed, or otherwise brought forth, they are part of existence.  Those who understand, and take to heart, the meaning of Green’s aphorism will experience life’s pleasures even when ravaged by life’s tempestuous nature.
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At extension (Ohio state University Extension), the essay there, “Loss and Grief—Activities to Help You Grieve,” adapted from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service, offers twenty excellent practical suggestions that may assist in anyone’s journey of healing and growth.

At a web site labeled Grief and Loss there are three sections: 1) How to recognize the symptoms of Grief, 2) The Tasks of Grief that must be undertaken, and 3) The Stages of Grief.  All are good.  All offer excellent ideas and suggestions.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

   

The need for patience

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When I instructed students in how to prepare for job interviews, I told them to turn a negative into a desired positive.  For example, when asked the question (as interviewees often are), what would you say is your biggest negative trait?  I told them to use their impatience positively.  That is, interviewees could say, “I am an impatient person.  I have trouble waiting in line.  I have difficulty waiting for results to come in.  I don’t like wasting time.  I prefer solving a problem myself rather than waiting for it to be solved by others.”
    
In our society today, instant results are preferred simply because they are available.  The advertisers for Internet connections speak of the speed of their servers so users can get instant access and instant search results.  People shouldn’t have to wait for anything.  Not only do the media promote instant access, but expedited responses, prompt solutions, and immediate gratification are not just slogans but guiding principles.  Nobody wants delay of any kind, and time is always at a premium.  
    
“Patience,” however, according to the website Essential Life Skills.net “is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It's the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties. It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear,” according to an essay on patience, “Patience & Tips On How to Develop  It.”  
    
We know what it is, but that doesn’t make waiting any easier!  The problem is a simple one and it is one that some young people today may not realize.  Anything you desire that is worthwhile or important doesn’t take place instantly.  Examples, of course, are endless.  Losing weight, developing a good body, becoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or other professional, getting to be a top athlete, becoming an outstanding musician or artist, overcoming losses or tragedies, and achieving most goals require time, dedication, and effort.
    
What many people don’t understand when they can’t get what they want instantly are the many benefits of patience.  What I had to explain to my students — especially when it came to their college education — was that the time spent in college would help them develop good study skills, allow knowledge and understanding of their world, provide greater understanding of their life choices, develop important people connections, and make them better human beings and citizens.  What I was selling, in a nutshell, was patience: the dedication, time, and effort devoted to their college education would have rewards, but all of them required patience to obtain them.
    
At the website referred to above, Essential Life Skills.net, the author of the essay lists the following benefits of patience: It: “reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person . . . results in better decision-making . . . helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion [and] . . . helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.”
    
Admittedly, becoming a more patient person — whether you know, appreciate, or want any of its benefits — is not easy.  This is especially true in a society where a message can be sent instantly to almost any place in the world, where one can obtain credit instantly, and where the virtues of immediacy are proliferated daily via any of the media.  To settle for patience goes against the perceived majority viewpoint, against what friends and family seem to demand, against the standard seemingly promoted in business and industry and, as a result, against the internalized notion that immediate results can be achieved.  Why would anyone need or desire patience?
    
Rather than discuss the steps for becoming more patient, let me refer readers to a website that includes eleven.  At wikiHow, in an essay, “How to be patient,” attributed to more than 25 different contributors, the steps include: 1) keeping a journal, 2) figuring out why you are in such a hurry, 3) pinpointing the triggers that influence why you lose your patience, 4) overcoming bouts of impatience, 5) looking for patterns, 6) letting go if you can’t do anything about the impatience trigger, 7) reminding yourself that things take time, 8) expect the unexpected, 9) give yourself a break, 10) remember what matters, and 11) remember that you will eventually get what you want.  Each of these steps is discussed in greater detail at the website, and the explanations are valid and to the point.
    
In my life, I had a number of examples (during my education) where I discovered patience had virtues.  When I first took swimming lessons when I was in third grade in Chapel Hill, NC, I had the desire to become much better, and I knew I had a lot to learn — even at that early age.  So, I continued taking lessons at every opportunity, growing, developing, and changing.  When available, I took Junior Lifesaving, Senior Lifesaving, Water Safety Instructor, and even a Lifeguard Instructor Course.  In high school I joined the swim team, and I swam competitively for several years.
    
When I realized that writing was going to be important to me no matter what career I pursued, I enrolled in an Advanced English course in high school to be exposed to one of the best English teachers there: Mr. Granville.  I knew one course would be insufficient, but I had the patience to know that more would be necessary. Not only did Mr. Granville inspire me, I went on to make English a minor in college so that if I ended up teaching speech in high school (I became certified at the high school level), I could also teach English at that level.  I even took a couple of additional English courses during pursuit of my master’s degree.
    
Getting a complete education — becoming truly knowledgeable in ANY field — requires a great deal of patience, just as developing talent, ability, prowess, or success in any endeavor.
    
Of the eleven steps above for achieving patience, I have found that number seven, “reminding yourself that things take time,” is (at least for me) the most important one.  I am, indeed, an impatient person, and I am often giving myself internal messages to calm me down: “I do not need to be in a hurry,” “I have the time,” “Everyone does not operate at the same speed as I do,” and Cato the Elder’s phrase, “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.”  It also helps to know, as Saint Augustine said, “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
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At Self Help Zone there is a wonderful, brief essay, “The Importance Of Having Patience In Our Everyday Lives” that end saying, “If this sounds familiar and it may be what you experience you should really concentrate on being a little more accepting of other people.”

Dr. Beverly Smallwood, at the Personal Development website, has an essay, “How to become more patient," in which she offers readers a short justification for considering patience important and then five strategies for developing it: . 1) Become more realistic in your expectations.  Expect and plan for delays, complications, and setbacks.  2. View setbacks as temporary.  3. Keep the mentality of the problem solver, not the victim.  4. Reject bitterness, and,  5. Remember your successes in other difficult situations.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

The value of the journal

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

When I was typing into my computer the handwritten essays I wrote on our Southeast Asia cruise, the experience brought back all the wonderful memories of our trip.  To reinforce and accentuate the notes I took, my wife received hard copies of the 400 digital pictures she took, and combined with my notes, the brochures, and ship information, we have a fairly complete representation of our trip.
    
I haven’t always kept notes about my daily activities, but I have written in a diary for most of my life.  I don’t remember when, why, or how I received my first one, but I know it was the five-year kind, and it had little space to write much on each day, but I remember enjoying the process of keeping track of major events.  
    
Even though you may think a person may not keep a diary, I think it makes a great present because it opens the invitation.  It offers the recipient a choice to use it or not.  It makes it available whereas, otherwise, it would not be.  (A young person generally does not go out and buy a diary or journal on his or her own.)
    
Just an aside here: When I speak on “writing” before 5th-grade classes, I give each student in the class a journal.  I explain its value, give them topics to write about, and encourage them to begin writing at once.
    
What I have learned about keeping a diary or journal is the topic of this essay.  The benefits include more than simply going back to find out on which day a certain event took place, whether or not we saw a particular movie (I save the movie receipts in the journal), or the number of a campsite we liked in a park we plan to visit a second time.  If these were the only reasons — and I DO use my journal for these purposes — I probably wouldn’t continue the practice.
    
One of the most important benefits from keeping a journal is the reflecting and understanding it brings.  Not every day, but on many days!  It gives me time not just to go over a day’s events — which I write down — but time to reflect, evaluate, analyze, and judge the events and my reactions to them.  It is like a mental exercise — healthy, beneficial, and satisfying.
    
Reflection and understanding are healthy for these processes allow me to examine my behavior: how could I do “this” better?  How could I do this differently?  or, in many of my own cases, How could I do this more efficiently?  So often, for example, when I’m keeping score on my accomplishments, I think about how much more I could have done had I not stopped working so early, or had I found a solution to a problem much earlier, or had I known at the start of a day what I knew at the end of a day.
    
So much of life is repetitious, and I always hope that when I face the same situation a second or third time, I can improve or, to say it a bit differently, that I can bring to the event or situation, a better me.  That is what the “and then some” philosophy is all about: becoming a better me.  It’s not just a great thought, but it is, indeed, a cause for reflection and increased understanding.
    
The second major benefit of writing a journal (in addition to reflecting and understanding), is motivation.  Life, in addition to being repetitious, is about “doing,” or “getting things done.”  There are so many things to do and so little time; thus, life becomes a matter of making choices.
    
The chance to review my accomplishments in my journal is an opportunity to assess my energy level regarding the next day or the next week.  For me, any list of things accomplished is an expression of personal energy and motivation.  I don’t often think about it, but I become motivated by accomplishment.  And accomplishments, like catalysts, stimulate even more accomplishments.  They are like a sign post that points the way toward greater commitment and engagement.
    
A third reason why writing in a diary or journal is beneficial has to do with emotions.  I become emotionally tied to the accomplishments and choices I make.  For example, when I have completed a task (like writing this essay, for example), I love to go back and look at what I’ve done — to enjoy it, take pleasure in it, and derive some emotional satisfaction from it.  When I re-read and edit what I write, it is a truly gratifying and fulfilling time.
    
A fourth benefit I derive from keeping a journal has to do with tracking progress.  I am always interested in moving forward, striving to improve, seeking enlightenment, and positively pushing my creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions.  I have always believed that that is what life should be about.  The “good life” is not for slackers!  Mine is a dynamic, bold, and ambitious attitude.  In the tenth edition of my textbook Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2012), I incorporated a new section entitled “Active Open-Mindedness” (AOM) specifically designed to get readers to think more deeply, reflect on what they are reading, and make thoughtful choices.  These sections have been constructed with my goal in mind: getting readers to strive to improve, seek enlightenment, and positively push their creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions.  (Whether these sections succeed in satisfying my intentions for including them, I will only know when the tenth edition is reviewed by users.)
    
There is a fifth benefit to keeping a journal that I suspect may satisfy anyone reading this essay.  It is a form of mental activity that keeps me fresh and active.  I like the vibrancy and newness of living every day, and I like to capture that new sense of energy on paper for it serves to replenish and revitalize my spirits.
    
The sixth and final benefit for keeping a journal is that it holds me responsible.  These are MY accomplishments, MY achievements, and MY efforts.  Because they are MY acts, I take responsibility for MY talent, MY ability, MY competence, and MY aptitude.  It makes it all specific and distinct.  It lays it out in black-and-white.  I can see it and respond to it.
    
Whether it is reflecting and understanding, motivation, an emotional outlet, tracking progress, a mental activity, responsibility, or all of these combined, I find writing a journal to be enormously satisfying — a major contribution to my health and well-being — and, for those who have never tried it, I highly recommend it.
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At Associated Content the essay there, “The Benefits of Journal Writing,” lists several benefits not mentioned in my essay: 1) Reducing Stress, 2) Increasing Cognitive Functioning, 3) Increasing Creativity and Writing Skills, and 4) Stimulating Self-growth.  The author adds 5) Telling Your Own Story.

Melissa Donovan, at the website Writing Forward, has an essay, The Benefits of Journal Writing,” in which she extolls the virtues of journal writing for writers and artists.  She begins her terrific essay saying, “Do all writers keep journals? Of course not. But most of us have kept journals at some point and for most of us, journal writing has been instrumental in generating ideas, developing a strong voice, and learning how to flesh thoughts out onto the page.”
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.

The storms of life

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.

I remember vividly the circumstances surrounding my father’s death just about 16 years ago.  I remember divorces, retirement, and dealing with my wife’s mother’s death.  These are some of “the storms of life” that have affected my life.  Fortunately, in all the cases, I seemed to have (a judgment I am making in retrospect) the resources necessary to face and survive the storms.  It is only in retrospect now that I am able to look back and analyze how I survived.
    
What are our resources — on what can we depend — when we find ourselves faced with “the storms of life”?  We have the resources, and we prove that we have them time after time after time; however, daily preparation in building our resources is essential, and the more resources we accumulate over time, the more prepared we are to face the storms of life.  That is, our resources are enhanced, underscored, and buttressed when we have sufficiently prepared ourselves when times are good.  Ezra Pound said, “A slave is one who waits for someone else to come and free him.”  The point of this essay is how you can set yourself free — free to depend on yourself and your resources to face the storms of life.
    
Preparation is the key, but you must remember that quick cures seldom last.  That is, the kind of preparation advocated in this essay involves deep changes, and these changes take time and effort and cannot be done spur-of-the-moment or just when the storms hit.
    
Preparation is like an insurance policy.  You pay into it throughout your life, and on a daily basis, hoping, of course, that you will never have to use it.  But, during any storm of life, the insurance policy is there to cover you.  Some storms are worse than others so in some cases you will need to draw out more from the insurance policy than at other times.
    
How do you pay into this insurance policy?  Financially, you create a “rainy day fund” that you have available.  You may even make certain that your actual, real insurance policy for your automobiles and your house and belongings is paid up, current, and available.  That seems like an automatic, intuitive thing that everyone does almost without thinking.  (Most insurance companies make it very clear when premiums are due.)
    
There are many other ingredients (besides finances), and no one ingredient is necessarily better or more important than another.  They weigh differently in different people’s lives.  One may be sufficient, it is true, to get us through, but I would contend that it is probably the aggregate of ingredients working together that provide the assistance and support needed.
    
After finances, the second major ingredient is having a support group.  In a USA Today article, “Happiness is having friends at church” (USA Today, December 7, 2010, p. 7D), a study originally published in the December (2010) issue of the American Sociological Review by Chaeyoon Lim, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, was reported.  The study’s conclusion, provided in the first paragraph of the USA Today article, states: “Attending religious services regularly and having close friends in the congregation are key to having a happier, more satisfying life . . .” (p. 7D).  The study does not report “what aspect of religiousness — church attendance, prayer, theology or spirituality — accounts for this level of life satisfaction”; however, the study does report that “the social aspect of religion and a shared religious connection built around identity and belonging” is a key factor.
    
What is amazing about Lim’s study is that “90% of the correlation between church attendance and life satisfaction can be explained if you have these close interactions” (p. 7D).  What a testimony for involved church attendance, and what a testimony, too, for having such close interactions when it comes to the storms of life.  They become your safety net.
    
Of course it doesn’t have to be just religion or religious connections that will provide the safety net when the storms occur.  Making certain you have established and continue to nourish your ties with friends, family, and neighbors as well as co-workers, business associates, and other community contacts is important as well.  These are the very people likely to come to your aid when the storms hit.  Isolation from these associations cannot offer similar outcomes.
    
There is a third area of preparation in addition to finances and people-to-people connections, however, and that involves staying informed.  You never know when having knowledge and information will prove essential.  No, you may not need it; however, survival knowledge or where to go for help may, indeed be all you need to know.  Broad bases of knowledge about how others have survived similar storms may be all that is needed.
    
Read widely, keep your eyes and ears open and alert, listen to the news, be aware of what other people say and do, and always stay informed, up-to-date, and enlightened.  Be the sharpest knife in the drawer, the brightest bulb in the fixture, and the highest point on the weather vane.
    
The fourth area of preparation has been a common theme in many of my essays, and there is a whole chapter on it in my book You Rules - Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life and that is to be physically prepared.  Remember, too, that physical preparation closely relates to mental preparation.
    
Physical stamina is important because it allows you to do your best when facing the storms of life.  Your regular exercising, proper nutrition and body sustenance, as well as your sleep and conditioning will not just help you to be physically fit when a storm hits, but it will help as well to keep you thinking at your best.
    
Thinking at your best may mean seeking professional medical, psychological, financial, legal, or spiritual help when you realize they may be your best resource.  When you are in doubt, you should never endanger yourself by relying only on yourself and neglecting such experts.  In these cases, too, it is important to remember that it is how you go about choosing the experts and how you use what they have to offer that counts.
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At the website Army Well-Being there is a wonderful essay by Rob Schuette, Fort McCoy Public Affairs, “Spiritual resiliency helps soldiers weather life's traumas.”  Schuette ends his essay saying, “People can prepare themselves to overcome traumatic events by developing self-confidence, leadership, personal strength, spiritual growth and an appreciation of life.”

At Yahoo! Answers one writer pours out his life in a piece entitled, “After trauma I have literally nothing to do with my life have nothing left and start over continuously..?”  What is interesting here is that, first, you will be drawn in to the writer’s plight.  Second, read the responses that readers have made.  There is some of what I have written about in my essay, but it is also said that there is no way to prepare for such intense trauma.  Read it for yourself; you’ll be glad you did.
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Copyright October, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.