By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Asked how long he holds a grudge, one fellow replied, “Until hell freezes over.” Another said, it depends on two things: 1) the intent, and 2) the gravity of the situation. Yet another person said, “If the person is an idiot, I simply consider the source and dismiss both the person and the comment or situation.” And the final person asked, said, “I turn the other cheek.”
The only reason this topic came up has to do with a father-in-law who never lets grudges die. He doesn’t listen to Diane Sawyer for the national news because she went to work for President Richard Nixon's administration in 1970. At first she served in the White House press office, and after Nixon resigned, she helped him with his memoirs. He can never forgive her and will always hold the grudge and never watch her deliver the national news.
He cannot forgive a doctor for coming to an appointment late; he cannot forgive a fellow (a former husband of his granddaughter) because of a belief/theory that he took a lockbox from his home; he cannot forgive a nurse who gave him wrong advice (non-essential).
He holds grudges, too, against John McCain not just for his flip-flops on his principles but for bringing us Sarah Palin. He holds more serious grudges against Newt Gingrich because he is a multiple adulterer, a draft dodger, a dead-beat dad, an advocate of family values and yet asking for a divorce while his wife was in the hospital, and his house banking scandal (he bounced 22 checks) — among other things. At one website it says, “Gingrich was apparently dating [Callista] Bisek all during [the] Clinton-Lewinsky adultery scandal, even as he proclaimed family values and bitterly criticized the President for his adultery.” These grudges will never die.
There are many reasons we hold grudges according to the Psychology Today website. In an article there, “How to forgive others,” by Alex Lickerman, M.D., six reasons are listed. Mine are adapted from his. First, one reason we hold grudges is that we can’t let go of our anger. Second, we want to satisfy our sense of justice and, thus, we hold the grudge because we believe the offender doesn’t deserve our forgiveness. Third, not to hold a grudge is to condone what the offender did. Fourth, our grudge doesn’t let our offender off the hook without punishment. Our grudge is our personal punishment of our offender. Fifth, to hold the grudge is to harm as we've been harmed. It feels satisfying Sixth, we feel the offender is incapable of good behavior; thus, our grudge reduces the other’s sense of humanness. The grudge prevents us from believing they have any positive characteristics at all.
The essential message with respect to holding grudges is that when you hold a grudge you let someone else (the other person) severely influence your thinking and, perhaps, your behavior. It gives the other person too much power, and it diminishes your own power and control. There is a great deal of negative energy involved in holding grudges, thus, it hurts you, not the other person. Holding a grudge serves no good purpose.
Now, I’m not saying that there are no reasons for initiating or holding grudges, but how long to hold them has a lot to do with the kind of infraction committed and the importance of the issue to the individual who was wronged. Within relationships, a variety of elements determine the answer to how long to hold them. Think about it. How much relationship history is involved? How much do you value the relationship? How much do you value the other person? How strongly do you feel the other person is committed to the issue? Do you think the other person is likely to change his or her commitment over time? You get the point: there are many issues involved.
At the website, TheHappySelf: Personal transformation for thinking people, the essay, “Don’t hold a grudge!” offers six specific steps for getting over grudges through forgiveness. There are many websites with suggestions and guidelines for achieving forgiveness, but I thought these were reasonable and achievable. First, commit to letting go by admitting that you have grudges, and the longer you harbor them the less peace of mind and the more personal misery and suffering. Second, shift your focus by spending your time and energy on happier things. Third, make a grudge list by listing on a sheet of paper every grudge and resentment that occurs to you. Be honest. Now, fourth, confess. Tell a confidante about each of the grudges listed. Not only will this offer relief, but it will make you feel better, too. Fifth, read over your grudges one by one, and say goodbye to each one — goodbye to the misery, pain, and suffering they have caused. Sixth, forgive yourself and move on.
Remember, by forgiving yourself and moving on, you are doing something that will benefit yourself by improving, strengthening, and advancing your thinking and behavior. Why? Because constant thinking about the people or events that made you establish the grudge in the first place only heightens the feelings that make you moody, anxious, irritable, and short tempered. Carrying the grudge erodes your best thinking, corrodes your behavior, and wears away your happiness and contentedness.
It always helps me to remember that I cannot control the actions of others. To try is to waste valuable time and effort. What I have total control over is my own thoughts and actions. This is power. Thus, if I can stop all the negative thoughts about events, actions, and situations that others have caused, I can stop reliving that hurt and move on. It is important, I have found, to realize I have the choice to move on. I have the power. I just have to remember to exercise the power I have.
To answer the question that is the title of this article, no one has cornered the market on how long grudges may be held. The best answer to the question, how long should you hold grudges is another question: How quickly should you dispense with grudges? The answer is clear: as quickly as you can. The essay at TheHappySelf website closes with the comment: “Grudges are the domain of small, petty people, not you, life is too short to be hung up on hate for the whole time that you are here, and being unforgiving may make you feel invulnerable, but it will most definitely cost you happiness in the long run.”
Now, all this information comes a little late for my father-in-law mentioned in the opening examples. There is no doubt he will take his grudges to the grave. But, that makes me wonder. He is 97-years-old! Perhaps holding grudges is the key to longevity.
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The best website I have discovered on letting go of grudges and forgiveness is the MayoClinic website, on Adult Health. The article there, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness, is written by Katherine Piderman, Ph.D., staff chaplain at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., a member of the Mayo Clinic staff. The article covers what forgiveness is, the benefits of forgiveness, why it’s easy to hold a grudge, the effects of holding a grudge, how to reach a state of forgiveness, what happens when you can’t forgive someone, whether or not forgiveness guarantees reconciliation, how to interact with the person who hurt you, what happens when the person you want to change doesn’t, and, finally, Piderman considers the question, “What if I’m the one who needs forgiveness?” This is a great article.
At LiveStrong there is a great deal of information in the essay, “Handling Forgiving and Forgetting,” that covers what is forgiving and forgetting, the negative consequences of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting, and the steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Learning to dance in the rain
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It was Vivian Green who said, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” Life presents storms; if we wait for one to pass, inevitably another lurks on the horizon or angrily stomps its way into our lives—not to be overlooked nor avoided.
So many factors enter our lives uninvited and, for the most part, unwanted. Think about those in the midst of divorce, out-of-work, financially challenged, taking care of elderly or physically challenged family members, dealing with the death of a parent, child, or spouse, or in other similar traumatic circumstances. The number of potential factors, of course, is overwhelming. Any of them can put our lives on hold, arrest plans, or cause an uncontrollable tailspin, the likes of which we have not previously known.
Meanwhile—while the tempest rants, raves, and bellows at our senses—we are at the mercy of its unyielding energy. Meanwhile, too, time ticks away. If we do not learn how to dance in the rain, there may be no time for dancing at all.
This essay is not making a case for being carefree, flippant, or nonchalant during times of extreme stress; however, a case needs to be made for not shelving our freedoms, joys, and happiness when such times occur. There still needs to be time for us—for dancing in the rain. Plans can continue, and lives can and must go on—the storms will pass.
At TeensHealth from Nemours, the author of the essay, “People React Emotionally and Physically,” writes in the first paragraph, “When coping with a death [or any traumatic circumstance], you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.”
Later in this same essay, the author writes, “No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.”
One important point in dealing with the storms that come into our lives is to be mentally and physically strong—learn to dance well before the storms—for it is only in this condition that one can expect to face and weather them effectively. When storms catch us already mentally and physically drained, the challenge can quickly become too much. Exercising, eating right, and getting sufficient sleep provides a strong foundation from which good decisions can be made and appropriate responses and reactions can be offered.
Learning to dance in the rain means caring for yourself throughout a storm. There are a number of “understandings” that will assist in the “dance.” For example, realize that you are not being “singled out.” Such traumas (no matter how extreme) happen to everyone, and they are—unfortunately—part of life. To live is to suffer trauma.
Do not isolate yourself. Family, friends, and neighbors offer support and encouragement. They are there to fortify a broken spirit, buoy up a grief-stricken heart, and shore up a battered mindset. Isolation is not good. It is the very thing that leads people to severe depressive episodes, and even worse, thoughts of suicide.
Permit some cathartic release. Some people find release of their pent-up emotions through talking with others. Talk about your feelings; tell of your emotional connections; relate the story of what has happened to you. Another way to express yourself is through writing. Use your diary or create a daily log of your thoughts and feelings. Some, too, will write a story, article, song, essay, poem, or book. This may become a tribute, or it may simply be a way to find some closure to all that has happened.
Do not drop out. Traumas can be so overwhelming they cause some to say, “Why go on at all?” “What difference does living make?” “Now there is no purpose in life.” Devastating should never be the same as destructive. We can be devastated by a traumatic event, but in no way should that be cause for us to drop out or destroy our life. The human spirit is amazingly resilient, and, although it is difficult to fathom it when in the midst of severe trauma, life can have meaning and joy again—if you have learned to dance before and during the storm.
At the web site, Mothering Mother and More the essay there by Carol Dodell, “Can you Grieve too Much?” includes the following paragraph about learning to dance in the rain, “Some people can and need to go right back into their jobs and life after a tragedy. It makes them feel normal, safe, that life has some continuity and gives their life meaning. These are good reasons to keep on course, and if that’s what you need, what works for you, then don’t feel guilty or think you’re not showing the proper response of grief just because you can go on with you life.”
At LegacyConnect, “How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?” Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes, “That the amount of kairos time [‘the time within which personal life moves forward.’] it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than ‘the person on the street’ might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)”
The quotation by Vivian Green, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain,” carries great significance and meaning. Those already dancing or preparing themselves to dance are likely to be those in the best position to weather storms. The storms will come. Whether liked, welcomed, or otherwise brought forth, they are part of existence. Those who understand, and take to heart, the meaning of Green’s aphorism will experience life’s pleasures even when ravaged by life’s tempestuous nature.
-----
At extension (Ohio state University Extension), the essay there, “Loss and Grief—Activities to Help You Grieve,” adapted from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service, offers twenty excellent practical suggestions that may assist in anyone’s journey of healing and growth.
At a web site labeled Grief and Loss there are three sections: 1) How to recognize the symptoms of Grief, 2) The Tasks of Grief that must be undertaken, and 3) The Stages of Grief. All are good. All offer excellent ideas and suggestions.
-----
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
It was Vivian Green who said, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” Life presents storms; if we wait for one to pass, inevitably another lurks on the horizon or angrily stomps its way into our lives—not to be overlooked nor avoided.
So many factors enter our lives uninvited and, for the most part, unwanted. Think about those in the midst of divorce, out-of-work, financially challenged, taking care of elderly or physically challenged family members, dealing with the death of a parent, child, or spouse, or in other similar traumatic circumstances. The number of potential factors, of course, is overwhelming. Any of them can put our lives on hold, arrest plans, or cause an uncontrollable tailspin, the likes of which we have not previously known.
Meanwhile—while the tempest rants, raves, and bellows at our senses—we are at the mercy of its unyielding energy. Meanwhile, too, time ticks away. If we do not learn how to dance in the rain, there may be no time for dancing at all.
This essay is not making a case for being carefree, flippant, or nonchalant during times of extreme stress; however, a case needs to be made for not shelving our freedoms, joys, and happiness when such times occur. There still needs to be time for us—for dancing in the rain. Plans can continue, and lives can and must go on—the storms will pass.
At TeensHealth from Nemours, the author of the essay, “People React Emotionally and Physically,” writes in the first paragraph, “When coping with a death [or any traumatic circumstance], you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.”
Later in this same essay, the author writes, “No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.”
One important point in dealing with the storms that come into our lives is to be mentally and physically strong—learn to dance well before the storms—for it is only in this condition that one can expect to face and weather them effectively. When storms catch us already mentally and physically drained, the challenge can quickly become too much. Exercising, eating right, and getting sufficient sleep provides a strong foundation from which good decisions can be made and appropriate responses and reactions can be offered.
Learning to dance in the rain means caring for yourself throughout a storm. There are a number of “understandings” that will assist in the “dance.” For example, realize that you are not being “singled out.” Such traumas (no matter how extreme) happen to everyone, and they are—unfortunately—part of life. To live is to suffer trauma.
Do not isolate yourself. Family, friends, and neighbors offer support and encouragement. They are there to fortify a broken spirit, buoy up a grief-stricken heart, and shore up a battered mindset. Isolation is not good. It is the very thing that leads people to severe depressive episodes, and even worse, thoughts of suicide.
Permit some cathartic release. Some people find release of their pent-up emotions through talking with others. Talk about your feelings; tell of your emotional connections; relate the story of what has happened to you. Another way to express yourself is through writing. Use your diary or create a daily log of your thoughts and feelings. Some, too, will write a story, article, song, essay, poem, or book. This may become a tribute, or it may simply be a way to find some closure to all that has happened.
Do not drop out. Traumas can be so overwhelming they cause some to say, “Why go on at all?” “What difference does living make?” “Now there is no purpose in life.” Devastating should never be the same as destructive. We can be devastated by a traumatic event, but in no way should that be cause for us to drop out or destroy our life. The human spirit is amazingly resilient, and, although it is difficult to fathom it when in the midst of severe trauma, life can have meaning and joy again—if you have learned to dance before and during the storm.
At the web site, Mothering Mother and More the essay there by Carol Dodell, “Can you Grieve too Much?” includes the following paragraph about learning to dance in the rain, “Some people can and need to go right back into their jobs and life after a tragedy. It makes them feel normal, safe, that life has some continuity and gives their life meaning. These are good reasons to keep on course, and if that’s what you need, what works for you, then don’t feel guilty or think you’re not showing the proper response of grief just because you can go on with you life.”
At LegacyConnect, “How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?” Dr. Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes, “That the amount of kairos time [‘the time within which personal life moves forward.’] it takes each of us to reach a place where the loss is integrated into our lives but does not dominate our lives is longer than ‘the person on the street’ might suggest. Many folks around us would like for the process to be shorter rather than longer because they are not comfortable with the whole experience of grieving. As a society, we have cultural practices that suggest grieving should be short. (Don’t, for instance, many government workers get three days off when they lose a family member?)”
The quotation by Vivian Green, “Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain,” carries great significance and meaning. Those already dancing or preparing themselves to dance are likely to be those in the best position to weather storms. The storms will come. Whether liked, welcomed, or otherwise brought forth, they are part of existence. Those who understand, and take to heart, the meaning of Green’s aphorism will experience life’s pleasures even when ravaged by life’s tempestuous nature.
-----
At extension (Ohio state University Extension), the essay there, “Loss and Grief—Activities to Help You Grieve,” adapted from GriefWorks, Sam Quick, Professor Emeritus, Human Development and Family Relations Specialist, Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service, offers twenty excellent practical suggestions that may assist in anyone’s journey of healing and growth.
At a web site labeled Grief and Loss there are three sections: 1) How to recognize the symptoms of Grief, 2) The Tasks of Grief that must be undertaken, and 3) The Stages of Grief. All are good. All offer excellent ideas and suggestions.
-----
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The need for patience
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When I instructed students in how to prepare for job interviews, I told them to turn a negative into a desired positive. For example, when asked the question (as interviewees often are), what would you say is your biggest negative trait? I told them to use their impatience positively. That is, interviewees could say, “I am an impatient person. I have trouble waiting in line. I have difficulty waiting for results to come in. I don’t like wasting time. I prefer solving a problem myself rather than waiting for it to be solved by others.”
In our society today, instant results are preferred simply because they are available. The advertisers for Internet connections speak of the speed of their servers so users can get instant access and instant search results. People shouldn’t have to wait for anything. Not only do the media promote instant access, but expedited responses, prompt solutions, and immediate gratification are not just slogans but guiding principles. Nobody wants delay of any kind, and time is always at a premium.
“Patience,” however, according to the website Essential Life Skills.net “is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It's the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties. It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear,” according to an essay on patience, “Patience & Tips On How to Develop It.”
We know what it is, but that doesn’t make waiting any easier! The problem is a simple one and it is one that some young people today may not realize. Anything you desire that is worthwhile or important doesn’t take place instantly. Examples, of course, are endless. Losing weight, developing a good body, becoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or other professional, getting to be a top athlete, becoming an outstanding musician or artist, overcoming losses or tragedies, and achieving most goals require time, dedication, and effort.
What many people don’t understand when they can’t get what they want instantly are the many benefits of patience. What I had to explain to my students — especially when it came to their college education — was that the time spent in college would help them develop good study skills, allow knowledge and understanding of their world, provide greater understanding of their life choices, develop important people connections, and make them better human beings and citizens. What I was selling, in a nutshell, was patience: the dedication, time, and effort devoted to their college education would have rewards, but all of them required patience to obtain them.
At the website referred to above, Essential Life Skills.net, the author of the essay lists the following benefits of patience: It: “reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person . . . results in better decision-making . . . helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion [and] . . . helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.”
Admittedly, becoming a more patient person — whether you know, appreciate, or want any of its benefits — is not easy. This is especially true in a society where a message can be sent instantly to almost any place in the world, where one can obtain credit instantly, and where the virtues of immediacy are proliferated daily via any of the media. To settle for patience goes against the perceived majority viewpoint, against what friends and family seem to demand, against the standard seemingly promoted in business and industry and, as a result, against the internalized notion that immediate results can be achieved. Why would anyone need or desire patience?
Rather than discuss the steps for becoming more patient, let me refer readers to a website that includes eleven. At wikiHow, in an essay, “How to be patient,” attributed to more than 25 different contributors, the steps include: 1) keeping a journal, 2) figuring out why you are in such a hurry, 3) pinpointing the triggers that influence why you lose your patience, 4) overcoming bouts of impatience, 5) looking for patterns, 6) letting go if you can’t do anything about the impatience trigger, 7) reminding yourself that things take time, 8) expect the unexpected, 9) give yourself a break, 10) remember what matters, and 11) remember that you will eventually get what you want. Each of these steps is discussed in greater detail at the website, and the explanations are valid and to the point.
In my life, I had a number of examples (during my education) where I discovered patience had virtues. When I first took swimming lessons when I was in third grade in Chapel Hill, NC, I had the desire to become much better, and I knew I had a lot to learn — even at that early age. So, I continued taking lessons at every opportunity, growing, developing, and changing. When available, I took Junior Lifesaving, Senior Lifesaving, Water Safety Instructor, and even a Lifeguard Instructor Course. In high school I joined the swim team, and I swam competitively for several years.
When I realized that writing was going to be important to me no matter what career I pursued, I enrolled in an Advanced English course in high school to be exposed to one of the best English teachers there: Mr. Granville. I knew one course would be insufficient, but I had the patience to know that more would be necessary. Not only did Mr. Granville inspire me, I went on to make English a minor in college so that if I ended up teaching speech in high school (I became certified at the high school level), I could also teach English at that level. I even took a couple of additional English courses during pursuit of my master’s degree.
Getting a complete education — becoming truly knowledgeable in ANY field — requires a great deal of patience, just as developing talent, ability, prowess, or success in any endeavor.
Of the eleven steps above for achieving patience, I have found that number seven, “reminding yourself that things take time,” is (at least for me) the most important one. I am, indeed, an impatient person, and I am often giving myself internal messages to calm me down: “I do not need to be in a hurry,” “I have the time,” “Everyone does not operate at the same speed as I do,” and Cato the Elder’s phrase, “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” It also helps to know, as Saint Augustine said, “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
- - - - - - - - -
At Self Help Zone there is a wonderful, brief essay, “The Importance Of Having Patience In Our Everyday Lives” that end saying, “If this sounds familiar and it may be what you experience you should really concentrate on being a little more accepting of other people.”
Dr. Beverly Smallwood, at the Personal Development website, has an essay, “How to become more patient," in which she offers readers a short justification for considering patience important and then five strategies for developing it: . 1) Become more realistic in your expectations. Expect and plan for delays, complications, and setbacks. 2. View setbacks as temporary. 3. Keep the mentality of the problem solver, not the victim. 4. Reject bitterness, and, 5. Remember your successes in other difficult situations.
- - - - - -
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
When I instructed students in how to prepare for job interviews, I told them to turn a negative into a desired positive. For example, when asked the question (as interviewees often are), what would you say is your biggest negative trait? I told them to use their impatience positively. That is, interviewees could say, “I am an impatient person. I have trouble waiting in line. I have difficulty waiting for results to come in. I don’t like wasting time. I prefer solving a problem myself rather than waiting for it to be solved by others.”
In our society today, instant results are preferred simply because they are available. The advertisers for Internet connections speak of the speed of their servers so users can get instant access and instant search results. People shouldn’t have to wait for anything. Not only do the media promote instant access, but expedited responses, prompt solutions, and immediate gratification are not just slogans but guiding principles. Nobody wants delay of any kind, and time is always at a premium.
“Patience,” however, according to the website Essential Life Skills.net “is the ability to tolerate waiting, delay, or frustration without becoming agitated or upset. It's the ability to be able to control your emotions or impulses and proceed calmly when faced with difficulties. It comes from the Latin word pati which means to suffer, to endure, to bear,” according to an essay on patience, “Patience & Tips On How to Develop It.”
We know what it is, but that doesn’t make waiting any easier! The problem is a simple one and it is one that some young people today may not realize. Anything you desire that is worthwhile or important doesn’t take place instantly. Examples, of course, are endless. Losing weight, developing a good body, becoming a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or other professional, getting to be a top athlete, becoming an outstanding musician or artist, overcoming losses or tragedies, and achieving most goals require time, dedication, and effort.
What many people don’t understand when they can’t get what they want instantly are the many benefits of patience. What I had to explain to my students — especially when it came to their college education — was that the time spent in college would help them develop good study skills, allow knowledge and understanding of their world, provide greater understanding of their life choices, develop important people connections, and make them better human beings and citizens. What I was selling, in a nutshell, was patience: the dedication, time, and effort devoted to their college education would have rewards, but all of them required patience to obtain them.
At the website referred to above, Essential Life Skills.net, the author of the essay lists the following benefits of patience: It: “reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person . . . results in better decision-making . . . helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion [and] . . . helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.”
Admittedly, becoming a more patient person — whether you know, appreciate, or want any of its benefits — is not easy. This is especially true in a society where a message can be sent instantly to almost any place in the world, where one can obtain credit instantly, and where the virtues of immediacy are proliferated daily via any of the media. To settle for patience goes against the perceived majority viewpoint, against what friends and family seem to demand, against the standard seemingly promoted in business and industry and, as a result, against the internalized notion that immediate results can be achieved. Why would anyone need or desire patience?
Rather than discuss the steps for becoming more patient, let me refer readers to a website that includes eleven. At wikiHow, in an essay, “How to be patient,” attributed to more than 25 different contributors, the steps include: 1) keeping a journal, 2) figuring out why you are in such a hurry, 3) pinpointing the triggers that influence why you lose your patience, 4) overcoming bouts of impatience, 5) looking for patterns, 6) letting go if you can’t do anything about the impatience trigger, 7) reminding yourself that things take time, 8) expect the unexpected, 9) give yourself a break, 10) remember what matters, and 11) remember that you will eventually get what you want. Each of these steps is discussed in greater detail at the website, and the explanations are valid and to the point.
In my life, I had a number of examples (during my education) where I discovered patience had virtues. When I first took swimming lessons when I was in third grade in Chapel Hill, NC, I had the desire to become much better, and I knew I had a lot to learn — even at that early age. So, I continued taking lessons at every opportunity, growing, developing, and changing. When available, I took Junior Lifesaving, Senior Lifesaving, Water Safety Instructor, and even a Lifeguard Instructor Course. In high school I joined the swim team, and I swam competitively for several years.
When I realized that writing was going to be important to me no matter what career I pursued, I enrolled in an Advanced English course in high school to be exposed to one of the best English teachers there: Mr. Granville. I knew one course would be insufficient, but I had the patience to know that more would be necessary. Not only did Mr. Granville inspire me, I went on to make English a minor in college so that if I ended up teaching speech in high school (I became certified at the high school level), I could also teach English at that level. I even took a couple of additional English courses during pursuit of my master’s degree.
Getting a complete education — becoming truly knowledgeable in ANY field — requires a great deal of patience, just as developing talent, ability, prowess, or success in any endeavor.
Of the eleven steps above for achieving patience, I have found that number seven, “reminding yourself that things take time,” is (at least for me) the most important one. I am, indeed, an impatient person, and I am often giving myself internal messages to calm me down: “I do not need to be in a hurry,” “I have the time,” “Everyone does not operate at the same speed as I do,” and Cato the Elder’s phrase, “Patience is the greatest of all virtues.” It also helps to know, as Saint Augustine said, “Patience is the companion of wisdom.”
- - - - - - - - -
At Self Help Zone there is a wonderful, brief essay, “The Importance Of Having Patience In Our Everyday Lives” that end saying, “If this sounds familiar and it may be what you experience you should really concentrate on being a little more accepting of other people.”
Dr. Beverly Smallwood, at the Personal Development website, has an essay, “How to become more patient," in which she offers readers a short justification for considering patience important and then five strategies for developing it: . 1) Become more realistic in your expectations. Expect and plan for delays, complications, and setbacks. 2. View setbacks as temporary. 3. Keep the mentality of the problem solver, not the victim. 4. Reject bitterness, and, 5. Remember your successes in other difficult situations.
- - - - - -
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The value of the journal
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When I was typing into my computer the handwritten essays I wrote on our Southeast Asia cruise, the experience brought back all the wonderful memories of our trip. To reinforce and accentuate the notes I took, my wife received hard copies of the 400 digital pictures she took, and combined with my notes, the brochures, and ship information, we have a fairly complete representation of our trip.
I haven’t always kept notes about my daily activities, but I have written in a diary for most of my life. I don’t remember when, why, or how I received my first one, but I know it was the five-year kind, and it had little space to write much on each day, but I remember enjoying the process of keeping track of major events.
Even though you may think a person may not keep a diary, I think it makes a great present because it opens the invitation. It offers the recipient a choice to use it or not. It makes it available whereas, otherwise, it would not be. (A young person generally does not go out and buy a diary or journal on his or her own.)
Just an aside here: When I speak on “writing” before 5th-grade classes, I give each student in the class a journal. I explain its value, give them topics to write about, and encourage them to begin writing at once.
What I have learned about keeping a diary or journal is the topic of this essay. The benefits include more than simply going back to find out on which day a certain event took place, whether or not we saw a particular movie (I save the movie receipts in the journal), or the number of a campsite we liked in a park we plan to visit a second time. If these were the only reasons — and I DO use my journal for these purposes — I probably wouldn’t continue the practice.
One of the most important benefits from keeping a journal is the reflecting and understanding it brings. Not every day, but on many days! It gives me time not just to go over a day’s events — which I write down — but time to reflect, evaluate, analyze, and judge the events and my reactions to them. It is like a mental exercise — healthy, beneficial, and satisfying.
Reflection and understanding are healthy for these processes allow me to examine my behavior: how could I do “this” better? How could I do this differently? or, in many of my own cases, How could I do this more efficiently? So often, for example, when I’m keeping score on my accomplishments, I think about how much more I could have done had I not stopped working so early, or had I found a solution to a problem much earlier, or had I known at the start of a day what I knew at the end of a day.
So much of life is repetitious, and I always hope that when I face the same situation a second or third time, I can improve or, to say it a bit differently, that I can bring to the event or situation, a better me. That is what the “and then some” philosophy is all about: becoming a better me. It’s not just a great thought, but it is, indeed, a cause for reflection and increased understanding.
The second major benefit of writing a journal (in addition to reflecting and understanding), is motivation. Life, in addition to being repetitious, is about “doing,” or “getting things done.” There are so many things to do and so little time; thus, life becomes a matter of making choices.
The chance to review my accomplishments in my journal is an opportunity to assess my energy level regarding the next day or the next week. For me, any list of things accomplished is an expression of personal energy and motivation. I don’t often think about it, but I become motivated by accomplishment. And accomplishments, like catalysts, stimulate even more accomplishments. They are like a sign post that points the way toward greater commitment and engagement.
A third reason why writing in a diary or journal is beneficial has to do with emotions. I become emotionally tied to the accomplishments and choices I make. For example, when I have completed a task (like writing this essay, for example), I love to go back and look at what I’ve done — to enjoy it, take pleasure in it, and derive some emotional satisfaction from it. When I re-read and edit what I write, it is a truly gratifying and fulfilling time.
A fourth benefit I derive from keeping a journal has to do with tracking progress. I am always interested in moving forward, striving to improve, seeking enlightenment, and positively pushing my creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. I have always believed that that is what life should be about. The “good life” is not for slackers! Mine is a dynamic, bold, and ambitious attitude. In the tenth edition of my textbook Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2012), I incorporated a new section entitled “Active Open-Mindedness” (AOM) specifically designed to get readers to think more deeply, reflect on what they are reading, and make thoughtful choices. These sections have been constructed with my goal in mind: getting readers to strive to improve, seek enlightenment, and positively push their creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. (Whether these sections succeed in satisfying my intentions for including them, I will only know when the tenth edition is reviewed by users.)
There is a fifth benefit to keeping a journal that I suspect may satisfy anyone reading this essay. It is a form of mental activity that keeps me fresh and active. I like the vibrancy and newness of living every day, and I like to capture that new sense of energy on paper for it serves to replenish and revitalize my spirits.
The sixth and final benefit for keeping a journal is that it holds me responsible. These are MY accomplishments, MY achievements, and MY efforts. Because they are MY acts, I take responsibility for MY talent, MY ability, MY competence, and MY aptitude. It makes it all specific and distinct. It lays it out in black-and-white. I can see it and respond to it.
Whether it is reflecting and understanding, motivation, an emotional outlet, tracking progress, a mental activity, responsibility, or all of these combined, I find writing a journal to be enormously satisfying — a major contribution to my health and well-being — and, for those who have never tried it, I highly recommend it.
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At Associated Content the essay there, “The Benefits of Journal Writing,” lists several benefits not mentioned in my essay: 1) Reducing Stress, 2) Increasing Cognitive Functioning, 3) Increasing Creativity and Writing Skills, and 4) Stimulating Self-growth. The author adds 5) Telling Your Own Story.
Melissa Donovan, at the website Writing Forward, has an essay, The Benefits of Journal Writing,” in which she extolls the virtues of journal writing for writers and artists. She begins her terrific essay saying, “Do all writers keep journals? Of course not. But most of us have kept journals at some point and for most of us, journal writing has been instrumental in generating ideas, developing a strong voice, and learning how to flesh thoughts out onto the page.”
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Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
When I was typing into my computer the handwritten essays I wrote on our Southeast Asia cruise, the experience brought back all the wonderful memories of our trip. To reinforce and accentuate the notes I took, my wife received hard copies of the 400 digital pictures she took, and combined with my notes, the brochures, and ship information, we have a fairly complete representation of our trip.
I haven’t always kept notes about my daily activities, but I have written in a diary for most of my life. I don’t remember when, why, or how I received my first one, but I know it was the five-year kind, and it had little space to write much on each day, but I remember enjoying the process of keeping track of major events.
Even though you may think a person may not keep a diary, I think it makes a great present because it opens the invitation. It offers the recipient a choice to use it or not. It makes it available whereas, otherwise, it would not be. (A young person generally does not go out and buy a diary or journal on his or her own.)
Just an aside here: When I speak on “writing” before 5th-grade classes, I give each student in the class a journal. I explain its value, give them topics to write about, and encourage them to begin writing at once.
What I have learned about keeping a diary or journal is the topic of this essay. The benefits include more than simply going back to find out on which day a certain event took place, whether or not we saw a particular movie (I save the movie receipts in the journal), or the number of a campsite we liked in a park we plan to visit a second time. If these were the only reasons — and I DO use my journal for these purposes — I probably wouldn’t continue the practice.
One of the most important benefits from keeping a journal is the reflecting and understanding it brings. Not every day, but on many days! It gives me time not just to go over a day’s events — which I write down — but time to reflect, evaluate, analyze, and judge the events and my reactions to them. It is like a mental exercise — healthy, beneficial, and satisfying.
Reflection and understanding are healthy for these processes allow me to examine my behavior: how could I do “this” better? How could I do this differently? or, in many of my own cases, How could I do this more efficiently? So often, for example, when I’m keeping score on my accomplishments, I think about how much more I could have done had I not stopped working so early, or had I found a solution to a problem much earlier, or had I known at the start of a day what I knew at the end of a day.
So much of life is repetitious, and I always hope that when I face the same situation a second or third time, I can improve or, to say it a bit differently, that I can bring to the event or situation, a better me. That is what the “and then some” philosophy is all about: becoming a better me. It’s not just a great thought, but it is, indeed, a cause for reflection and increased understanding.
The second major benefit of writing a journal (in addition to reflecting and understanding), is motivation. Life, in addition to being repetitious, is about “doing,” or “getting things done.” There are so many things to do and so little time; thus, life becomes a matter of making choices.
The chance to review my accomplishments in my journal is an opportunity to assess my energy level regarding the next day or the next week. For me, any list of things accomplished is an expression of personal energy and motivation. I don’t often think about it, but I become motivated by accomplishment. And accomplishments, like catalysts, stimulate even more accomplishments. They are like a sign post that points the way toward greater commitment and engagement.
A third reason why writing in a diary or journal is beneficial has to do with emotions. I become emotionally tied to the accomplishments and choices I make. For example, when I have completed a task (like writing this essay, for example), I love to go back and look at what I’ve done — to enjoy it, take pleasure in it, and derive some emotional satisfaction from it. When I re-read and edit what I write, it is a truly gratifying and fulfilling time.
A fourth benefit I derive from keeping a journal has to do with tracking progress. I am always interested in moving forward, striving to improve, seeking enlightenment, and positively pushing my creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. I have always believed that that is what life should be about. The “good life” is not for slackers! Mine is a dynamic, bold, and ambitious attitude. In the tenth edition of my textbook Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2012), I incorporated a new section entitled “Active Open-Mindedness” (AOM) specifically designed to get readers to think more deeply, reflect on what they are reading, and make thoughtful choices. These sections have been constructed with my goal in mind: getting readers to strive to improve, seek enlightenment, and positively push their creativity and innovation in new and rewarding directions. (Whether these sections succeed in satisfying my intentions for including them, I will only know when the tenth edition is reviewed by users.)
There is a fifth benefit to keeping a journal that I suspect may satisfy anyone reading this essay. It is a form of mental activity that keeps me fresh and active. I like the vibrancy and newness of living every day, and I like to capture that new sense of energy on paper for it serves to replenish and revitalize my spirits.
The sixth and final benefit for keeping a journal is that it holds me responsible. These are MY accomplishments, MY achievements, and MY efforts. Because they are MY acts, I take responsibility for MY talent, MY ability, MY competence, and MY aptitude. It makes it all specific and distinct. It lays it out in black-and-white. I can see it and respond to it.
Whether it is reflecting and understanding, motivation, an emotional outlet, tracking progress, a mental activity, responsibility, or all of these combined, I find writing a journal to be enormously satisfying — a major contribution to my health and well-being — and, for those who have never tried it, I highly recommend it.
- - - - - - -
At Associated Content the essay there, “The Benefits of Journal Writing,” lists several benefits not mentioned in my essay: 1) Reducing Stress, 2) Increasing Cognitive Functioning, 3) Increasing Creativity and Writing Skills, and 4) Stimulating Self-growth. The author adds 5) Telling Your Own Story.
Melissa Donovan, at the website Writing Forward, has an essay, The Benefits of Journal Writing,” in which she extolls the virtues of journal writing for writers and artists. She begins her terrific essay saying, “Do all writers keep journals? Of course not. But most of us have kept journals at some point and for most of us, journal writing has been instrumental in generating ideas, developing a strong voice, and learning how to flesh thoughts out onto the page.”
- - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
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