by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
T.S. Eliot wrote, “When a poet's mind is perfectly equipped for its work, it is constantly amalgamating disparate experiences." That is precisely the point of this essay. I could end the essay here, but it would be far too short to qualify for one of my essays.
Even the Bible weighs in on the topic for this essay. The American King James version translates 2 Timothy 3:17 in this way: “That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished to all good works.” Barnes’ Notes on the Bible explains 2 Timothy 3:17: “That the man of God may be perfect - The object is not merely to convince and to convert him; it is to furnish all the instruction needful for his entire perfection. The idea here is, not that any one is absolutely perfect, but that the Scriptures have laid down the way which leads to perfection, and that, if any one were perfect, he would find in the Scriptures all the instruction which he needed in those circumstances.”
Those phrases that need to be underscored are “thoroughly furnished,” and “all the instruction which he needed.”
It was 41-degrees outside at 3:15 a.m., and to beat a forecasted rain, I jogged before I began my regular toning and strengthening exercises, but as I jogged, I thought about how perfectly dressed I was for this weather. It wasn’t unusual clothing—a light jogging outfit, warm gloves, knit cap, and a reflector vest—but it suited the circumstances perfectly.
To be “perfectly equipped” is one of the reasons why I exercise and jog. Indeed, it is preparation for unknown and unpredictable circumstances. My mother’s second husband, who never exercised a day in his life, had a heart attack after shoveling and distributing a pile of gravel around his dog’s house. I exert myself in numerous situations where I am confident that exercising helps protect me from a similar fate.
Being “perfectly equipped” in the area of exercise offers a shield to ward off disease, illness, and health problems. Along with good nutrition, healthy eating and sleeping habits, it contributes, as well, to keeping my mind “perfectly equipped.”
My reading and writing and thinking, coupled with a vigorous and regular exercise program, help maintain a “perfectly equipped” mind. To make decisions, solve problems, engage in educated and intellectual discussions, and come at life in a astute, intuitive, and discerning manner, a well-toned and exercised mind is important.
One caveat is necessary here. When I say a “perfectly equipped” mind, I am not talking about having the best mind in the world nor am I making a comparison between my mind and that of others. I am simply saying that you not only want to develop the best mind of which you are capable, but that you need to maintain it at peak capacity as well.
Being “perfectly equipped” is important when you are traveling. To have to waste time making purchases of things you simply forgot or left behind is unnecessary. The more you travel the less likely it is that important items will be forgotten. Using a list, having the right luggage, carrying an already-well-stocked toilet-articles kit, and having enough clothes to cover every trip’s location and length is essential.
“Perfectly equipped” has, in much the same way, been of assistance in completing a wide variety of home repairs. When I need a new tool to do a job, I purchase it with the knowledge that I am likely to be using it again. The accumulation of tools over the years has maintained a well-stocked tool box.
These are obvious examples, but they reinforce an important point. To be “perfectly equipped” requires us to push ourselves harder, face new challenges, stretch our minds in new directions, and pursue new opportunities when they arise. I listened to a recent high-school graduate who had done the minimal amount of work necessary to graduate. He was not qualified to go to college, had gained minimum exposure to essential, basic information, and he took classes to accumulate the necessary credits to graduate, not for the purpose of expanding his own frontiers, stretching his mind, or because of interest in the course.
As an educator, my message to students has been consistent. Education is a tool, and the more education you get, the wider range of tools you accumulate. You not only learn better how to learn, but you begin applying your learning to a wide variety of problems and situations. You actually begin forming the habit of thinking well. And just like making home repairs when they occur, the more tools you have, the more likely you will be able to make the repairs necessary. The wider the range of “learning tools” developed, the wider the range of decisions and problems you will be able to make and solve.
Students are faced with changes in majors, changes in job opportunities, changes in interests, needs, values, and beliefs, as well as changes in society and in the economy. These are important learning opportunities for they challenge their thinking, force them to consider their future, and stretch them in new, different, and important ways—ways that will truly make a difference in their lives. Think just for a moment of all the issues that people face in their lives once they are out in the real world—beyond college.
The Bible—as noted in 2 Timothy 3:17—is correct, and the beauty of this citation is one knows exactly what “perfectly equipped” means because the Bible provides the answer to “thoroughly furnished,” and “all the instruction which he needed.” If it were truly as easy when it comes to getting an education! “Here is all you need to know to be ‘perfectly equipped,’” a professor might say, but it is never and can never be said!
The quotation by T.S. Eliot, “When a poet's mind is perfectly equipped for its work, it is constantly amalgamating disparate experiences," could as easily have been written for me, a writer. When I am working on a writing project—a book, essay, speech, or lecture—I am constantly combining, blending, and joining separate and diverse parts and, often, while I am exercising or jogging, the unity, confluence, or structure occurs magically as if by chance.
But it is not really an accident (chance) at all; it happens because I am prepared, and preparation in any field, discipline, domain, occupation, area, branch, or sphere is the key. You don’t prepare because you know what the future holds, you prepare to lay the foundation for a productive and active life!
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Hubpages is a terrific website for one reason: the quotations supplied are interesting, provocative, and worthwhile. The “essay,” “Zen Quotes 2 81: Zen is full of paradoxes. So are Zen quotes...,” is true, but you will enjoy them just the same. I was especially intrigued with the quotation from R.H. Blyth, which begins, “What is Zen? Zen means doing anything perfectly, making mistakes perfectly, being defeated perfectly, hesitating perfectly, doing anything perfectly or imperfectly, perfectly. What is the meaning of this perfectly? ...”
Now, I realize most readers will never have the opportunity to travel the outback in Australia; however, talk about needed preparation! At Traveldudes there is a wonderful essay, “Driving through Australia's Outback, be prepared for anything,” about what true preparation is all about. The writer offers all the suggestions for what to take, all the warnings about what to expect, but ends the essay saying, “After all these informations... experiencing the outback with your own 4x4 is sooo awesome! It's an experience you will never forget and it's worth to save some more money for doing a trip like that.”
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Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing LLC
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
A young lady in my interpersonal communication class asked for my advice about trying to find out who her real father was. She felt betrayed by him from childhood when she learned she was adopted, and she wanted to find out who could deceive, desert, and disappoint at such an intense and personal level. I remember my advice to her as if it were yesterday.
I told her that I thought it would be best for her to go forward with her life, not spend her time in what could be a fruitless and, potentially disappointing, search. I told her, too, that she needed to forgive her father to help free her from the negative baggage of anxiety, distress, and anger that she has carried for so many years. Finally, I said, you know, forgiving is not forgetting. It is, instead, having the courage, understanding, and maturity of knowing when to let go. (Whether or not she took my advice I’ll never know.)
It was Lewis B. Smedes who said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I’m sure you know people who nurse grudges and keep track of every slight. Persistent unforgiveness is part of human nature. To forgive goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of justice.
The problem with unforgiveness is in the number of ways it works against our well being. Because of this, it is the subject of one of the hottest fields of research in clinical psychology. Before 1999, a search of the literature found only 50 studies even remotely related to the subject; now there are more than 4,500 published studies, and it has its own foundation—A Campaign for Forgiveness Research—where scientists are studying the way forgiveness works in individuals and among families and nations. One study, for example, is entitled “The Role of Forgiveness in Divorce Prevention,” while another is called “The Study of Forgiveness with Victims and Offenders.”
There are mental, physical, and spiritual difficulties that unforgiveness has the potential of causing. Regarding mental health, Frederic Luskin, in Stanford Medicine (Vol. 16, Number 4, Summer 1999), reports that when the research over the past 10 years is taken together, “the work so far demonstrates the power of forgiveness to heal emotional wounds.”
“What is intriguing about this research,” Luskin continues, “is that even people who are not depressed or particularly anxious can obtain the improved emotional and psychological functioning that comes from learning to forgive. This suggests that forgiveness may enable people who are functioning adequately to feel even better.”
Think of each of us as viewing the world through a very tiny, self-created lens. Negative thoughts can have a direct effect on how we construct and maintain that lens, especially if the negative thoughts have grown into a poison. By keeping negative thoughts with regard to someone, you are in fact ensuring that your body receives a regular supply of the poisons associated with those negative thoughts—since every thought results in the production of chemicals in the brain.
If the supply of poisons associated with those negative thoughts continues long enough, the effects will manifest themselves at the physical level. Unforgiveness is like carrying a live coal in your heart—far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Physically, research suggests that forgiveness reduces the stress of the state of unforgiveness. The poisons referred to above include a potent mixture of the chemicals associated with bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment, and the fear of being hurt or humiliated.
These, of course, have specific physiologic consequences such as increased blood pressure and hormonal changes that are linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory. Everett Worthington, executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, states that “Every time you feel unforgiveness, you are more likely to develop a health problem.”
“One study of students,” reported by Herb Denenberg in an online article entitled “The Importance of Forgiveness in Preventing Disease and Preserving Health” (Nov. 22, 2005), “found that even focusing on a personal grudge drove up blood pressure. When the same students imagined they had forgiven the grudge, blood pressure levels returned to normal.”
Studies from the Mayo Clinic found that where forgiveness is taught, emotional and physical well-being improved. Another study found that the less forgiving had more health problems.
The International Forgiveness Institute recommends a four-phase plan for achieving forgiveness. First, recognize the situation and acknowledge your pain. Second, commit yourself to forgiveness. Third, find a new way to think about the person who hurt you, perhaps employing meditation or prayer. Fourth, start to realize the relief brought about by forgiveness.
The four steps underscore what Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, a Harvard psychiatrist, writes in his book, Dare to Forgive. He writes that forgiveness is a choice, that it is a process, that it has to be cultivated, and because it goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of injustice, that it may require the help of friends, a therapist, or prayer.
And this leads to the spiritual difficulties of unforgiveness. The power and importance of forgiveness is central to every religion. When you forgive, there are no seeds of an unforgiving spirit planted in your heart. When you respond with unforgiveness, then you have a seed in your heart that slowly but surely develops into a root of bitterness. These roots can spread through your whole spiritual being and infect your entire spiritual life. In Hebrews 12:15 (NASB) it says, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
Not forgiving someone whom you have a reason to hate is certainly not easy. It could probably be argued that it is one of the most difficult things to do in your life. But, considering the potentially negative mental, physical, and spiritual effects of unforgiveness, and the predictive improved health and well-being that depend on forgiveness, sometimes the choice is staring you right in the face.
Bernard Meltzer said, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.” While unforgiveness makes you smaller, forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- - - - - - - - -
The essay at Celebrate Love “Forgiveness . . . What’s it for?” is a lengthy but worthwhile essay with many people responding to it.
Karen Houppert has a terrific 5-page essay “The Truth About Forgiveness” (Sunday, March 22, 2009) at The Washington Post website.
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Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
A young lady in my interpersonal communication class asked for my advice about trying to find out who her real father was. She felt betrayed by him from childhood when she learned she was adopted, and she wanted to find out who could deceive, desert, and disappoint at such an intense and personal level. I remember my advice to her as if it were yesterday.
I told her that I thought it would be best for her to go forward with her life, not spend her time in what could be a fruitless and, potentially disappointing, search. I told her, too, that she needed to forgive her father to help free her from the negative baggage of anxiety, distress, and anger that she has carried for so many years. Finally, I said, you know, forgiving is not forgetting. It is, instead, having the courage, understanding, and maturity of knowing when to let go. (Whether or not she took my advice I’ll never know.)
It was Lewis B. Smedes who said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I’m sure you know people who nurse grudges and keep track of every slight. Persistent unforgiveness is part of human nature. To forgive goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of justice.
The problem with unforgiveness is in the number of ways it works against our well being. Because of this, it is the subject of one of the hottest fields of research in clinical psychology. Before 1999, a search of the literature found only 50 studies even remotely related to the subject; now there are more than 4,500 published studies, and it has its own foundation—A Campaign for Forgiveness Research—where scientists are studying the way forgiveness works in individuals and among families and nations. One study, for example, is entitled “The Role of Forgiveness in Divorce Prevention,” while another is called “The Study of Forgiveness with Victims and Offenders.”
There are mental, physical, and spiritual difficulties that unforgiveness has the potential of causing. Regarding mental health, Frederic Luskin, in Stanford Medicine (Vol. 16, Number 4, Summer 1999), reports that when the research over the past 10 years is taken together, “the work so far demonstrates the power of forgiveness to heal emotional wounds.”
“What is intriguing about this research,” Luskin continues, “is that even people who are not depressed or particularly anxious can obtain the improved emotional and psychological functioning that comes from learning to forgive. This suggests that forgiveness may enable people who are functioning adequately to feel even better.”
Think of each of us as viewing the world through a very tiny, self-created lens. Negative thoughts can have a direct effect on how we construct and maintain that lens, especially if the negative thoughts have grown into a poison. By keeping negative thoughts with regard to someone, you are in fact ensuring that your body receives a regular supply of the poisons associated with those negative thoughts—since every thought results in the production of chemicals in the brain.
If the supply of poisons associated with those negative thoughts continues long enough, the effects will manifest themselves at the physical level. Unforgiveness is like carrying a live coal in your heart—far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Physically, research suggests that forgiveness reduces the stress of the state of unforgiveness. The poisons referred to above include a potent mixture of the chemicals associated with bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment, and the fear of being hurt or humiliated.
These, of course, have specific physiologic consequences such as increased blood pressure and hormonal changes that are linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory. Everett Worthington, executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, states that “Every time you feel unforgiveness, you are more likely to develop a health problem.”
“One study of students,” reported by Herb Denenberg in an online article entitled “The Importance of Forgiveness in Preventing Disease and Preserving Health” (Nov. 22, 2005), “found that even focusing on a personal grudge drove up blood pressure. When the same students imagined they had forgiven the grudge, blood pressure levels returned to normal.”
Studies from the Mayo Clinic found that where forgiveness is taught, emotional and physical well-being improved. Another study found that the less forgiving had more health problems.
The International Forgiveness Institute recommends a four-phase plan for achieving forgiveness. First, recognize the situation and acknowledge your pain. Second, commit yourself to forgiveness. Third, find a new way to think about the person who hurt you, perhaps employing meditation or prayer. Fourth, start to realize the relief brought about by forgiveness.
The four steps underscore what Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, a Harvard psychiatrist, writes in his book, Dare to Forgive. He writes that forgiveness is a choice, that it is a process, that it has to be cultivated, and because it goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of injustice, that it may require the help of friends, a therapist, or prayer.
And this leads to the spiritual difficulties of unforgiveness. The power and importance of forgiveness is central to every religion. When you forgive, there are no seeds of an unforgiving spirit planted in your heart. When you respond with unforgiveness, then you have a seed in your heart that slowly but surely develops into a root of bitterness. These roots can spread through your whole spiritual being and infect your entire spiritual life. In Hebrews 12:15 (NASB) it says, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
Not forgiving someone whom you have a reason to hate is certainly not easy. It could probably be argued that it is one of the most difficult things to do in your life. But, considering the potentially negative mental, physical, and spiritual effects of unforgiveness, and the predictive improved health and well-being that depend on forgiveness, sometimes the choice is staring you right in the face.
Bernard Meltzer said, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.” While unforgiveness makes you smaller, forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- - - - - - - - -
The essay at Celebrate Love “Forgiveness . . . What’s it for?” is a lengthy but worthwhile essay with many people responding to it.
Karen Houppert has a terrific 5-page essay “The Truth About Forgiveness” (Sunday, March 22, 2009) at The Washington Post website.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Reflected appraisals
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
“I think that I have never seen a man as well-defined as he,” is an adaptation of a line written by the poet (Alfred) Joyce Kilmer, from his poem, “Trees” (1913), “I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.” With my adaptation of Kilmer’s line, I am referring to my 98-year-old father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis; however, I admit, that at 98 most people are well defined.
This is not an essay of complaint nor objection; rather, it is one on “reflected appraisals.” Since most people reading this essay would not know a “reflected appraisal” unless they met it in a college classroom and knew they would be quizzed on it before that class ended, let me provide a definition taken from a college textbook (mine!): Communicating Effectively, 10e, McGraw-Hill, 2012, page 35.
“ . . . Your parents, your friends, and your teachers all tell you who you are through reflected appraisals: messages you get about yourself from others. Most reflected appraisals come from things people say about you. . . . All such messages from others help create your self-concept” (p. 35).
It is a simple concept, and basically it reminds readers of the important role that others play in the formation of their self-concept. It attempts to counter or refute the idea that a self-concept is something entirely self-derived or self-developed—that it comes from within the self and is projected outward to others. It is true, of course, that we take the impressions we get from others, assess them, mix and match them, re-adjust them as necessary, and put them together, much as we assemble a puzzle with thousands of very small pieces, to form a self-concept. And it is true, as well, that this self-concept is constantly changing as we go through each day. It is neither static nor invariable.
When I taught a course in interpersonal communication (and in my interpersonal college textbook as well), I was well-known for saying, “Other people provide the most important source of information we get about ourselves. The way we believe others perceive us, often is the way we perceive ourselves.”
In this essay I will be using the term “reflected appraisals” in a slightly different way. I want to reflect upon the traits I have seen in my father-in-law (Edgar) after a full year and a half of daily one-hour visits. Like the book by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie (1997), I have come to know Edgar in a variety of different ways, and I am continually thinking about what I have learned and discovered, much as Mitch learned about Morrie Schwartz, his former professor, after he began to visit him on a weekly basis. Rather than detail the lessons about life I have learned—as Albom did in his book—I want to focus on the traits Edgar reveals that I want to avoid.
It is a coincidence that Edgar was my former professor, and throughout this essay I want readers to know that I have the utmost respect for him. As I write this essay (April 18, 2011), I am less than one week away from a lecture Edgar delivered, “Who wrote the Shakespeare plays,” to a group of just over 50 people, at the Way Public Library (Perrysburg, Ohio), at the age of 97 years. (He is 99 as this essay is posted on the blog.)
First, for the most part, Edgar has chosen a life of social exclusion. He now lives in an apartment at Kingston Residence (along with over 100 other seniors). With the exception of a monthly book-club meeting he feels he was forced to attend, and the speech he gave at Way Library, and meals he takes in the dining room, he attends none of the public events (talks, entertainment, movies, or other social occasions), and prefers to watch sports, read books, magazines, and newspapers, and enjoy daily visits by family members—in his room, by himself.
Edgar would claim that he gave his talk to “test his skills” and that he avoids public events because they conflict with news shows he wants to watch on television.
Second, and closely related to the first idea above, Edgar avoids social contacts. He eats with a group of men at breakfast, and there are two people at his table for lunch and dinner with whom he shares small talk. Other than that, the only social contacts he has are with family members. He never lingers in the lounge, seeks conversation with others in the Residence, nor enjoys being with others. He stays in his room, sits in a comfortable chair, and either reads or watches sports or news programs on television. If he was not forced to go to the dining room for meals, he would have all meals delivered to his room. Unless dictated by illness or health problems, there is an additional cost for having meals in his room.
Third, as can be seen from my description in the paragraph above, Edgar is extremely frugal. One of the things that made him happy about moving to Kingston Residence was that his financial capital would not be touched. His monthly Social Security and retirement checks fully cover his rent, and then some. Financially, he is extremely solvent, and he could be more generous if he chose to be. I know this is a personal decision, but he has limited himself in unnecessary ways. For example, he would enjoy television more if he upgraded one level to include both a golf channel and a classic-movie channel—but he won’t. He could enjoy meals with family members in a special dining room in the Residence—or take them out to a nice restaurant—but he won’t. He could pay his granddaughter for cutting his hair—but he won’t. (He has compensated her in many other very generous ways, however.)
There is a fourth characteristic, too, and that is that Edgar is critical. Over the years he has formed a number of opinions about others that he will not alter in any way. For example, he formed an opinion of Diane Sawyer, the ABC-news-reader, because she worked for Richard Nixon, and now he will not watch her. He formed opinions of Tiger Woods, not because of his womanizing, but because he raised his fist in a gesture (“up yours”) that he considered inappropriate, had a foul mouth, and showed disrespect to his gallery, that followed him throughout his career. He has strong negative opinions about a foot doctor in his Residence who he feels was late to an appointment, and he will not see him again. Nurses who detain him for the administration of his pills quickly gain admission to his devil’s list, and are never forgiven for their lateness—essentially, making him wait.
In all these cases, the reflected appraisals have taught me what I do not want to be and what I do not want to do. Not to be totally negative, Edgar reads, watches sports, is aware, alert, and mentally active, and he has an incredible memory. Even though most of what I have observed, as noted in this essay, are negative traits I want to avoid, they make me a stronger person by underscoring and firming-up the positive traits I have in place. Reflected appraisals have the potential for making you a stronger person with more clearly defined characteristics.
- - - - - - -
If you want more information on reflected appraisals, the JSTOR website and the article, “Reflected appraisals and self-esteem,: by the authors Charles Jaret, et. al., is an excellent resource for two reasons: 1) the information here is succinct and to the point, and 2) the sources that support this theory are offered in abundance and efficiently.
Alieshia Escalera has a short little essay, “Reflected Appraisal. When You Look in the Mirror, What Do You See?” that covers the definition, application, and value of reflected appraisals.
- - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
“I think that I have never seen a man as well-defined as he,” is an adaptation of a line written by the poet (Alfred) Joyce Kilmer, from his poem, “Trees” (1913), “I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.” With my adaptation of Kilmer’s line, I am referring to my 98-year-old father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis; however, I admit, that at 98 most people are well defined.
This is not an essay of complaint nor objection; rather, it is one on “reflected appraisals.” Since most people reading this essay would not know a “reflected appraisal” unless they met it in a college classroom and knew they would be quizzed on it before that class ended, let me provide a definition taken from a college textbook (mine!): Communicating Effectively, 10e, McGraw-Hill, 2012, page 35.
“ . . . Your parents, your friends, and your teachers all tell you who you are through reflected appraisals: messages you get about yourself from others. Most reflected appraisals come from things people say about you. . . . All such messages from others help create your self-concept” (p. 35).
It is a simple concept, and basically it reminds readers of the important role that others play in the formation of their self-concept. It attempts to counter or refute the idea that a self-concept is something entirely self-derived or self-developed—that it comes from within the self and is projected outward to others. It is true, of course, that we take the impressions we get from others, assess them, mix and match them, re-adjust them as necessary, and put them together, much as we assemble a puzzle with thousands of very small pieces, to form a self-concept. And it is true, as well, that this self-concept is constantly changing as we go through each day. It is neither static nor invariable.
When I taught a course in interpersonal communication (and in my interpersonal college textbook as well), I was well-known for saying, “Other people provide the most important source of information we get about ourselves. The way we believe others perceive us, often is the way we perceive ourselves.”
In this essay I will be using the term “reflected appraisals” in a slightly different way. I want to reflect upon the traits I have seen in my father-in-law (Edgar) after a full year and a half of daily one-hour visits. Like the book by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie (1997), I have come to know Edgar in a variety of different ways, and I am continually thinking about what I have learned and discovered, much as Mitch learned about Morrie Schwartz, his former professor, after he began to visit him on a weekly basis. Rather than detail the lessons about life I have learned—as Albom did in his book—I want to focus on the traits Edgar reveals that I want to avoid.
It is a coincidence that Edgar was my former professor, and throughout this essay I want readers to know that I have the utmost respect for him. As I write this essay (April 18, 2011), I am less than one week away from a lecture Edgar delivered, “Who wrote the Shakespeare plays,” to a group of just over 50 people, at the Way Public Library (Perrysburg, Ohio), at the age of 97 years. (He is 99 as this essay is posted on the blog.)
First, for the most part, Edgar has chosen a life of social exclusion. He now lives in an apartment at Kingston Residence (along with over 100 other seniors). With the exception of a monthly book-club meeting he feels he was forced to attend, and the speech he gave at Way Library, and meals he takes in the dining room, he attends none of the public events (talks, entertainment, movies, or other social occasions), and prefers to watch sports, read books, magazines, and newspapers, and enjoy daily visits by family members—in his room, by himself.
Edgar would claim that he gave his talk to “test his skills” and that he avoids public events because they conflict with news shows he wants to watch on television.
Second, and closely related to the first idea above, Edgar avoids social contacts. He eats with a group of men at breakfast, and there are two people at his table for lunch and dinner with whom he shares small talk. Other than that, the only social contacts he has are with family members. He never lingers in the lounge, seeks conversation with others in the Residence, nor enjoys being with others. He stays in his room, sits in a comfortable chair, and either reads or watches sports or news programs on television. If he was not forced to go to the dining room for meals, he would have all meals delivered to his room. Unless dictated by illness or health problems, there is an additional cost for having meals in his room.
Third, as can be seen from my description in the paragraph above, Edgar is extremely frugal. One of the things that made him happy about moving to Kingston Residence was that his financial capital would not be touched. His monthly Social Security and retirement checks fully cover his rent, and then some. Financially, he is extremely solvent, and he could be more generous if he chose to be. I know this is a personal decision, but he has limited himself in unnecessary ways. For example, he would enjoy television more if he upgraded one level to include both a golf channel and a classic-movie channel—but he won’t. He could enjoy meals with family members in a special dining room in the Residence—or take them out to a nice restaurant—but he won’t. He could pay his granddaughter for cutting his hair—but he won’t. (He has compensated her in many other very generous ways, however.)
There is a fourth characteristic, too, and that is that Edgar is critical. Over the years he has formed a number of opinions about others that he will not alter in any way. For example, he formed an opinion of Diane Sawyer, the ABC-news-reader, because she worked for Richard Nixon, and now he will not watch her. He formed opinions of Tiger Woods, not because of his womanizing, but because he raised his fist in a gesture (“up yours”) that he considered inappropriate, had a foul mouth, and showed disrespect to his gallery, that followed him throughout his career. He has strong negative opinions about a foot doctor in his Residence who he feels was late to an appointment, and he will not see him again. Nurses who detain him for the administration of his pills quickly gain admission to his devil’s list, and are never forgiven for their lateness—essentially, making him wait.
In all these cases, the reflected appraisals have taught me what I do not want to be and what I do not want to do. Not to be totally negative, Edgar reads, watches sports, is aware, alert, and mentally active, and he has an incredible memory. Even though most of what I have observed, as noted in this essay, are negative traits I want to avoid, they make me a stronger person by underscoring and firming-up the positive traits I have in place. Reflected appraisals have the potential for making you a stronger person with more clearly defined characteristics.
- - - - - - -
If you want more information on reflected appraisals, the JSTOR website and the article, “Reflected appraisals and self-esteem,: by the authors Charles Jaret, et. al., is an excellent resource for two reasons: 1) the information here is succinct and to the point, and 2) the sources that support this theory are offered in abundance and efficiently.
Alieshia Escalera has a short little essay, “Reflected Appraisal. When You Look in the Mirror, What Do You See?” that covers the definition, application, and value of reflected appraisals.
- - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I'm unique
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
One time it was a short article I read, another time it was a place I visited, and yet another time it was music I was listening to. The inspiration for my essays comes from so many different directions, and, in many cases, I’m not always certain exactly what or from where it originated. That’s the nature of my mind. It’s as if I am saying, “So many ideas, so little time!”
Sometimes my mind is unknowingly focused. For example, when I was working on a new edition of my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), and I was searching for a new slant, approach, or addition that would make the next edition unique (from previous editions). I didn’t even have to be focusing on the problem when the solution occurred. In many cases, when I am exercising or jogging, working on another project, or reading an essay, newspaper, magazine, or book, what I don’t even realize I am currently looking for, magically occurs.
The epiphany — the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something — comes unheralded and without warning. Sometimes it is bound with other ideas as if part of the same recipe; sometimes it is neatly wrapped as a present under the tree on Christmas morning; sometimes it is random, casual, nonspecific, and accidental. The process itself is unique and not easily explained.
But here is the key — maybe it’s just my key, but here goes — I love knowing that nobody else in the entire world (and nobody out there in the solar system as well for I like hyperbole at times like these) could possibly be thinking as I am. Nobody else could have these thoughts, ideas, and emotions in the exact instant I am having them. Talk about being unique!
Incidentally, the fact that somebody else actually could have the same (or even a similar) thought, idea, or emotion is irrelevant to my thinking in times like these. Since this thought (that someone could be as unique as I am in the same instant) contributes nothing at all to my progress and could even be a bit demoralizing (depressing or deflating?); it never crosses my mind (except in an essay where I have to be a little more rational!)
Why does this matter? That is, why is this a key? Because it serves as one more stimulus, prompt, incentive, impulse, or motivation. And here is how it works for me. I am a thinker (notice, I didn’t say “great thinker”!), and to know that my thoughts, ideas, and emotions at any given moment are unique (and, to satisfy my 98-year-old father-in-law’s proclivity for finding incorrect grammatical constructions, I will say “totally unique”), gives me the pleasure and satisfaction I need (look for?) as I use words to build the edifice of an essay or book.
I absolutely embrace the knowledge that I am a distinct human being with special, exclusive — idiosyncratic — thoughts, ideas, and emotions. This is what propels me forward, opens the vast doors of my imagination, squeezes the core of my creative juices, and focuses the beacons of my vision. I only wish I could bottle this dynamic energy, find an inspiring name for the concoction, and market it as a magic elixir.
I looked for ideas online regarding how others capture and use their thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and at the blog Warrior Forum, the stimulus idea was, “So many ideas...so little time. How do you manage that?” In response to the stimulus, Gie Grace writes, “Keep a notebook with you at all times. You may have epiphanies (or light-bulb moments) when you think of an idea to implement. During such moments, it is crucial for you to write them down, so you'll remember them later.”
As a response, too, Michael Newman writes, “I call it ‘the curse of the blessed'.’ It's a great gift — to be able to generate or attract ideas effortlessly. But, it's a double-edged sword.
“I'd record them as advised. Prioritise them and see how they relate to your business model or lifestyle. How can they help accelerate your growth? Do you notice a common theme? Concentrate on the most feasible. Focus on the ones that relate to your passions.
“No one makes money from how many ideas they're able to generate. Real moolah comes from focus, from concentration. From taking an idea to its logical conclusion. From testing them in the cold and harsh (and often loving) rays of fate.
“I was like that. Like a butterfly, floating from one dream to another . . . and another. . . .
“I started getting results when I decided on the most haunting idea. The most stubborn. The one that leaves you no peace. The one that fills you with joy.
“The key is self-discipline,” Newman writes.
At Ezine Articles, the essay by Joanne Julius Hunold, “Introverts - So Many Ideas, So Little Time,” offers several pieces of useful advice. Hunold writes, “First, get some clarity about exactly how you are stuck. For example, is it that you have difficulty choosing an idea (which means not choosing the others) or do you have difficulty deciding which one to do first? Do you realize you don't have enough time to pursue all of them? Or perhaps not enough money for all of them? Are you trying to do all of them at once and hence get overwhelmed? Is it plain old indecision? In other words, what is stopping you from doing?
Second, “Are you aware of your needs and values? This is a first step I put all my clients through. In terms of choosing actions, I recommend first doing the things that satisfy your needs. Then, after your needs have been met; choose the actions that are most closely aligned to your values.
Third, get your ideas out of your head: “Once you have your ideas out of your head and stored somewhere safe (in your notebook) you can stop fretting about what you have not done. This, believe it or not, frees you up to act when you are good and ready.”
Fourth, Hunold writes, “Make it OK to experiment and change your mind. Perhaps you have a lot of things you want to do because you are curious.”
Finally, she says, “go ahead and enjoy the thinking process.”
I love her last idea, of course. As I said earlier in this essay, I am a thinker (and fortunately, too, a doer!). And if this essay helps you de-construct your whole process of inspiration, perhaps, it has made a contribution. Maybe you just need to stop and meta-observe (examine your inside activities by taking a position outside yourself!). This, too, can be a delightful exercise — maybe even one that will prove how unique you are!
- - - - - - -
At ManifestYourPotential.com there is a delightful, pithy, essay, “What Makes Me Unique,” where the writer talks about “The Paradox of Uniqueness.” This is a short, thoughtful essay that will challenge you wonderfully. The writer ends this essay saying, “In your race through life, do you have all the information and tools you need to express your unique potential and live an extraordinary life before you run out of time, health, love and wisdom?”
At the Change My Life! website Steve Thomas has an essay, “I Am a Unique and Special Human Being, It’s All In the Mind” (May 11, 2010), in which he makes the point, “The very fact that we have in mind the thought that we, you, I am a unique and special human being makes us one. Most people have such a poor sense of self worth, that they can hardly come to grips with a thought like that. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we are what we think. If we believe ourselves to be worthless, then we tend to act that way. If we believe ourselves to be elite, something special, then we will tend to act that way.”
- - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
One time it was a short article I read, another time it was a place I visited, and yet another time it was music I was listening to. The inspiration for my essays comes from so many different directions, and, in many cases, I’m not always certain exactly what or from where it originated. That’s the nature of my mind. It’s as if I am saying, “So many ideas, so little time!”
Sometimes my mind is unknowingly focused. For example, when I was working on a new edition of my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), and I was searching for a new slant, approach, or addition that would make the next edition unique (from previous editions). I didn’t even have to be focusing on the problem when the solution occurred. In many cases, when I am exercising or jogging, working on another project, or reading an essay, newspaper, magazine, or book, what I don’t even realize I am currently looking for, magically occurs.
The epiphany — the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something — comes unheralded and without warning. Sometimes it is bound with other ideas as if part of the same recipe; sometimes it is neatly wrapped as a present under the tree on Christmas morning; sometimes it is random, casual, nonspecific, and accidental. The process itself is unique and not easily explained.
But here is the key — maybe it’s just my key, but here goes — I love knowing that nobody else in the entire world (and nobody out there in the solar system as well for I like hyperbole at times like these) could possibly be thinking as I am. Nobody else could have these thoughts, ideas, and emotions in the exact instant I am having them. Talk about being unique!
Incidentally, the fact that somebody else actually could have the same (or even a similar) thought, idea, or emotion is irrelevant to my thinking in times like these. Since this thought (that someone could be as unique as I am in the same instant) contributes nothing at all to my progress and could even be a bit demoralizing (depressing or deflating?); it never crosses my mind (except in an essay where I have to be a little more rational!)
Why does this matter? That is, why is this a key? Because it serves as one more stimulus, prompt, incentive, impulse, or motivation. And here is how it works for me. I am a thinker (notice, I didn’t say “great thinker”!), and to know that my thoughts, ideas, and emotions at any given moment are unique (and, to satisfy my 98-year-old father-in-law’s proclivity for finding incorrect grammatical constructions, I will say “totally unique”), gives me the pleasure and satisfaction I need (look for?) as I use words to build the edifice of an essay or book.
I absolutely embrace the knowledge that I am a distinct human being with special, exclusive — idiosyncratic — thoughts, ideas, and emotions. This is what propels me forward, opens the vast doors of my imagination, squeezes the core of my creative juices, and focuses the beacons of my vision. I only wish I could bottle this dynamic energy, find an inspiring name for the concoction, and market it as a magic elixir.
I looked for ideas online regarding how others capture and use their thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and at the blog Warrior Forum, the stimulus idea was, “So many ideas...so little time. How do you manage that?” In response to the stimulus, Gie Grace writes, “Keep a notebook with you at all times. You may have epiphanies (or light-bulb moments) when you think of an idea to implement. During such moments, it is crucial for you to write them down, so you'll remember them later.”
As a response, too, Michael Newman writes, “I call it ‘the curse of the blessed'.’ It's a great gift — to be able to generate or attract ideas effortlessly. But, it's a double-edged sword.
“I'd record them as advised. Prioritise them and see how they relate to your business model or lifestyle. How can they help accelerate your growth? Do you notice a common theme? Concentrate on the most feasible. Focus on the ones that relate to your passions.
“No one makes money from how many ideas they're able to generate. Real moolah comes from focus, from concentration. From taking an idea to its logical conclusion. From testing them in the cold and harsh (and often loving) rays of fate.
“I was like that. Like a butterfly, floating from one dream to another . . . and another. . . .
“I started getting results when I decided on the most haunting idea. The most stubborn. The one that leaves you no peace. The one that fills you with joy.
“The key is self-discipline,” Newman writes.
At Ezine Articles, the essay by Joanne Julius Hunold, “Introverts - So Many Ideas, So Little Time,” offers several pieces of useful advice. Hunold writes, “First, get some clarity about exactly how you are stuck. For example, is it that you have difficulty choosing an idea (which means not choosing the others) or do you have difficulty deciding which one to do first? Do you realize you don't have enough time to pursue all of them? Or perhaps not enough money for all of them? Are you trying to do all of them at once and hence get overwhelmed? Is it plain old indecision? In other words, what is stopping you from doing?
Second, “Are you aware of your needs and values? This is a first step I put all my clients through. In terms of choosing actions, I recommend first doing the things that satisfy your needs. Then, after your needs have been met; choose the actions that are most closely aligned to your values.
Third, get your ideas out of your head: “Once you have your ideas out of your head and stored somewhere safe (in your notebook) you can stop fretting about what you have not done. This, believe it or not, frees you up to act when you are good and ready.”
Fourth, Hunold writes, “Make it OK to experiment and change your mind. Perhaps you have a lot of things you want to do because you are curious.”
Finally, she says, “go ahead and enjoy the thinking process.”
I love her last idea, of course. As I said earlier in this essay, I am a thinker (and fortunately, too, a doer!). And if this essay helps you de-construct your whole process of inspiration, perhaps, it has made a contribution. Maybe you just need to stop and meta-observe (examine your inside activities by taking a position outside yourself!). This, too, can be a delightful exercise — maybe even one that will prove how unique you are!
- - - - - - -
At ManifestYourPotential.com there is a delightful, pithy, essay, “What Makes Me Unique,” where the writer talks about “The Paradox of Uniqueness.” This is a short, thoughtful essay that will challenge you wonderfully. The writer ends this essay saying, “In your race through life, do you have all the information and tools you need to express your unique potential and live an extraordinary life before you run out of time, health, love and wisdom?”
At the Change My Life! website Steve Thomas has an essay, “I Am a Unique and Special Human Being, It’s All In the Mind” (May 11, 2010), in which he makes the point, “The very fact that we have in mind the thought that we, you, I am a unique and special human being makes us one. Most people have such a poor sense of self worth, that they can hardly come to grips with a thought like that. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we are what we think. If we believe ourselves to be worthless, then we tend to act that way. If we believe ourselves to be elite, something special, then we will tend to act that way.”
- - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
“. . . To the beat of a different drummer”
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
At the website Yahoo!Answers, an unknown respondent wrote the following in response to this prompt: “Henry David Thoreau said.....march to the beat of a different drummer....?” “In the conclusion to 'Walden,' Thoreau writes, "If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away." He meant,” said this respondent, “that one should do things in one's own way regardless of societal norms and expectations.”
There is no doubt that society encourages (forces?) conformity, so the question, “How do you march to the beat of a different drummer?” is a legitimate one. Or, to state it a bit differently, “How can you make yourself stand out?” The essential bottom line has to do with social skills, and there are many things you can do.
There are two underlying characteristics that will lubricate the social skills I will discuss in this essay. The first, is confidence. Confidence, alone, will convince others of your credibility and worth. What you need to do is reveal the characteristics that demonstrate confidence: When you act independently, assume responsibility, take pride in your abilities, deal maturely and intelligently with your emotions, willingly accept new challenges, and handle problems effectively and efficiently, you convey confidence.
The second underlying characteristic that will lubricate your social skills is a sense of humor. How do you develop a sense of humor? First, observe others who are funny, and mimic their behavior. Start laughing when other people laugh. Make this a habit. Natural laughing will follow, and it will become automatic when funny things take place. Also, see the funny side of things even if they are difficult or embarrassing. Injecting lightheartedness into situations filled with angst, fear, and unhappiness, if done in good taste and without stepping over the line where mourning, death, loss, and pain are involved, is often appreciated and a valuable commodity..
Now, what are the social skills for which both confidence and a sense of humor are catalysts? The following ideas were listed on WikiHow where a number of authors have weighed in and offered suggestions for “How to make your personality stand out.” The first is, “don't be loud. Other people find noisy people to be obnoxious and annoying. We don't want that, do we?” The second suggestion is, “know when it is right to argue with someone. Learn to accept that others may be right and you may be wrong. Nobody likes to be around someone constantly pointing out that they are right.”
There are four other suggestions for making your personality stand out. Third, “know when to speak up. Defend friends in tough situations.” Fourth, “don't be afraid to talk to others. Always look people in the eye when you're talking with them. It makes you appear more confident. Nobody wants to talk to someone who can't stop staring at their feet. Remember to stand up tall. Never slouch.”
I have skipped their fifth suggestion, “having a sense of humor” since I use that as an element that can positively affect all of these suggestions.
Their fifth suggestion, then, I have re-written so it makes better sense. It is the importance of your personality. Revealing your personality “doesn't mean that you should have [good] looks.” It means letting others know who you really are. The confidence referred to above must show in your eyes, voice, and it must be reflected to others.
Sixth, “don't be afraid to be different. People will admire you for your unique personality.” If you hold ideas or opinions that are different from others, express them with conviction. If you have knowledge and experiences that are unique, work them into conversations and discussions. If you have hobbies, read sources, know people, or do things that vary from the norm, be certain that others become aware of them.
The seventh and final social skill they mention could, too, be listed as an overriding element that affects all the others. It is, “be kind and considerate. People who truly practice these virtues to everyone they meet can be true to themselves and still stand out.”
I would add several more social skills to their list. The first would be to keep an open mind. Do not automatically stonewall or block out people who hold contrary views to your own, rather, look at them as an opportunity to learn new things. Every person who touches you in some way can offer something positive to your knowledge, background, and experiences. They have the potential of expanding your horizons and opening your mind even further. Allow these possibilities; encourage these opportunities; invite these situations.
The second social skill that I would add to theirs is to become a more effective listener. At EssentialLifeSkills.net the essay there, “10 Ways to Improve Your Personality,” lists being a better listener as their first item for improving your personality. You can make a better impression through effective listening to others than by asserting yourself or injecting yourself into conversations. Look others in the eyes, hang on their every word, and make them feel important. “There is nothing more appealing than having someone listen to you intently making you feel like you're the only person in the world.”
At “”10 Ways to Improve Your Personality,” a second item not yet mentioned in this essay, and one I feel is essential, is their seventh item: “Have a positive outlook and attitude.
Who wants to be around people who are negative, complain a lot, or have nothing good to say? In fact, most of us run when we see them coming. Instead, be the kind of upbeat person who lights up a room with your energy when you enter it. Do it by looking for the best in people and things. Smile warmly, spread good cheer, and enliven others with your presence.”
Some of the items discussed in this essay may require giant leaps, and to accomplish and develop these skills requires baby steps. Begin in small ways, and you are likely to make large gains. Be patient with yourself, however, as you grow and change in positive ways. Thoreau had it right. To march to the beat of a different drummer, Thoreau said, “Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away."
- - - - - - -
At Essential Life Skills.Net (referred to in the essay above), the suggestions include a number of additional items in the essay, “10 Ways To Improve Your Personality” to what have been mentioned in my essay.
At the website Knowear the essay, “Building an Attractive Personality” (August 9, 2008), offers a number of additional suggestions and ideas in a rather long, but interesting, essay.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some LLC
At the website Yahoo!Answers, an unknown respondent wrote the following in response to this prompt: “Henry David Thoreau said.....march to the beat of a different drummer....?” “In the conclusion to 'Walden,' Thoreau writes, "If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away." He meant,” said this respondent, “that one should do things in one's own way regardless of societal norms and expectations.”
There is no doubt that society encourages (forces?) conformity, so the question, “How do you march to the beat of a different drummer?” is a legitimate one. Or, to state it a bit differently, “How can you make yourself stand out?” The essential bottom line has to do with social skills, and there are many things you can do.
There are two underlying characteristics that will lubricate the social skills I will discuss in this essay. The first, is confidence. Confidence, alone, will convince others of your credibility and worth. What you need to do is reveal the characteristics that demonstrate confidence: When you act independently, assume responsibility, take pride in your abilities, deal maturely and intelligently with your emotions, willingly accept new challenges, and handle problems effectively and efficiently, you convey confidence.
The second underlying characteristic that will lubricate your social skills is a sense of humor. How do you develop a sense of humor? First, observe others who are funny, and mimic their behavior. Start laughing when other people laugh. Make this a habit. Natural laughing will follow, and it will become automatic when funny things take place. Also, see the funny side of things even if they are difficult or embarrassing. Injecting lightheartedness into situations filled with angst, fear, and unhappiness, if done in good taste and without stepping over the line where mourning, death, loss, and pain are involved, is often appreciated and a valuable commodity..
Now, what are the social skills for which both confidence and a sense of humor are catalysts? The following ideas were listed on WikiHow where a number of authors have weighed in and offered suggestions for “How to make your personality stand out.” The first is, “don't be loud. Other people find noisy people to be obnoxious and annoying. We don't want that, do we?” The second suggestion is, “know when it is right to argue with someone. Learn to accept that others may be right and you may be wrong. Nobody likes to be around someone constantly pointing out that they are right.”
There are four other suggestions for making your personality stand out. Third, “know when to speak up. Defend friends in tough situations.” Fourth, “don't be afraid to talk to others. Always look people in the eye when you're talking with them. It makes you appear more confident. Nobody wants to talk to someone who can't stop staring at their feet. Remember to stand up tall. Never slouch.”
I have skipped their fifth suggestion, “having a sense of humor” since I use that as an element that can positively affect all of these suggestions.
Their fifth suggestion, then, I have re-written so it makes better sense. It is the importance of your personality. Revealing your personality “doesn't mean that you should have [good] looks.” It means letting others know who you really are. The confidence referred to above must show in your eyes, voice, and it must be reflected to others.
Sixth, “don't be afraid to be different. People will admire you for your unique personality.” If you hold ideas or opinions that are different from others, express them with conviction. If you have knowledge and experiences that are unique, work them into conversations and discussions. If you have hobbies, read sources, know people, or do things that vary from the norm, be certain that others become aware of them.
The seventh and final social skill they mention could, too, be listed as an overriding element that affects all the others. It is, “be kind and considerate. People who truly practice these virtues to everyone they meet can be true to themselves and still stand out.”
I would add several more social skills to their list. The first would be to keep an open mind. Do not automatically stonewall or block out people who hold contrary views to your own, rather, look at them as an opportunity to learn new things. Every person who touches you in some way can offer something positive to your knowledge, background, and experiences. They have the potential of expanding your horizons and opening your mind even further. Allow these possibilities; encourage these opportunities; invite these situations.
The second social skill that I would add to theirs is to become a more effective listener. At EssentialLifeSkills.net the essay there, “10 Ways to Improve Your Personality,” lists being a better listener as their first item for improving your personality. You can make a better impression through effective listening to others than by asserting yourself or injecting yourself into conversations. Look others in the eyes, hang on their every word, and make them feel important. “There is nothing more appealing than having someone listen to you intently making you feel like you're the only person in the world.”
At “”10 Ways to Improve Your Personality,” a second item not yet mentioned in this essay, and one I feel is essential, is their seventh item: “Have a positive outlook and attitude.
Who wants to be around people who are negative, complain a lot, or have nothing good to say? In fact, most of us run when we see them coming. Instead, be the kind of upbeat person who lights up a room with your energy when you enter it. Do it by looking for the best in people and things. Smile warmly, spread good cheer, and enliven others with your presence.”
Some of the items discussed in this essay may require giant leaps, and to accomplish and develop these skills requires baby steps. Begin in small ways, and you are likely to make large gains. Be patient with yourself, however, as you grow and change in positive ways. Thoreau had it right. To march to the beat of a different drummer, Thoreau said, “Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured, or far away."
- - - - - - -
At Essential Life Skills.Net (referred to in the essay above), the suggestions include a number of additional items in the essay, “10 Ways To Improve Your Personality” to what have been mentioned in my essay.
At the website Knowear the essay, “Building an Attractive Personality” (August 9, 2008), offers a number of additional suggestions and ideas in a rather long, but interesting, essay.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some LLC
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Not your daddy’s retirement . . .
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
What prompted this essay was a “Saturday Essay” written by Dr. David Andersen for The (Toledo) Blade (March 19, 2005), entitled, “Retirement’s gift is the chance to blaze new trail.” When I first read this essay, I was just interested in another person’s point of view. I was closing in on my first ten years of retirement, and I found his perspective interesting but much different from my own. Although Andersen closed the door on one “life,” he left the door wide open for a new one—“Looking out over what once seemed an abyss, I now begin to see instead, uncharted terrain. The journey isn’t over. My destination is still out there. . . .”
What I did in retirement was simpler. I cut what I was doing (teaching and writing) in half, and I simply focused on writing alone.
Actually, when I read Andersen’s comments about leaving loved ones, “The other aspect that is over is my relationship with a people I have grown to love. . . .,” I was reminded of the retirement joke: “Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? He is too polite to tell the whole truth.” I am not making fun of Andersen’s comment nor am I suggesting it wasn’t true. (Having known him quite well, I know the truth of his statement.)
One of the aspects of Andersen’s column that caught my interest, too, was simply that I really wasn’t familiar with retirement—what it means or how it is handled.
What is interesting about this essay title, “Not your daddy’s retirement,” is that I really haven’t had much experience with anyone else’s retirement. My father, a university professor, died with his boots on at 53-years-old. My father-in-law, at 98-years-old as I am writing this, retired at the age of 70 (in 1984) from the University of Michigan and has, since his retirement, completed writing 3 books. His retirement is probably the closest to “normal” (if there is such a thing!) with which I am familiar. We are both authors.
There are so many factors that influence retirement, one being pharmaceuticals. One website said, “Superior pharmaceuticals and better education about health are available now, making it possible for people to live longer, healthier and more energetic lives.” That alone is enough to differentiate “your daddy’s retirement” from present-day circumstances.
Technology alone has changed the nature of retirement for many people. Instead of sitting in a room someplace, reading books and magazines, and watching sports on television (which sums up much of the life of my father-in-law now), they can become completely absorbed in the Internet—playing games, joining chat rooms, staying in contact with friends and relatives, etc.
Watching sports on television reminded me of a sports-related, retirement joke: “Two old timers in their 90's were chatting in the rest home. One was healthy and the other quite ill.
The healthy one asked, ‘I wonder if there is baseball in heaven?’
His chum replied, ‘I'll be there soon, and I will let you know.’
A few days later the old gent passed on and that night the surviving friend was awakened when he heard a voice.
‘Edgar, it's me Bob. I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is you're pitching on Wednesday!!’”
I am not suggesting that I am a model with respect to retirement behavior, and I’m not pretending that I am perfect; however, when I read the “proven tips that you can implement right away” by Cynthia Barnett at the website Right At Home, in her essay “Seniors—Effectively Manage Your Time In Retirement” (posted by Jeannie Locy on April 18, 2011), I have to say they struck a nerve. For me, they represent all that I have been doing now for 15 years of retirement. Remember, these are Barnett’s ideas, not mine; I have adapted them.
When I began my retirement in 1996, I did not know exactly what I wanted to do, but soon after that, I created a personal mission statement. I evaluated my life, figured out what was important to me, wrote down my priorities and what I hoped to accomplish in my life. My specific goal was to become the writer I always wanted to be.
Because I had written a lot previously, I knew that I could do it, but I had never done it full time, so I kept track of how I spent my time. I knew that writing demanded “alone time” with no distractions, and my wife had already lived over 40 years with a “writing husband” in addition to teaching, so I knew I could survive and overcome the time stealers. But that was essential since I worked in a study at home.
I developed a realistic plan. Basically, I wrote essays for The (Toledo) Blade, while I worked on one book after another, all the while writing new editions for Communicating Effectively, 10th (McGraw-Hill, 2012), every three years. When editors changed at The Blade and the “Saturday Essay” column was dropped, I set up a blog to have an outlet for my essays, and later I established a publishing company for my books.
I got organized at once, and since I was already a writer, I had a computer, a study, and all the necessary supporting apparatus—books, dictionaries, thesaurus, pens, pencils, and paper. I found that the cliche was true: the more organized I was, the more productive I became. I get up at 3 when I exercise, but on all other days I am up at 6 a.m. to begin writing.
I had to prioritize. If certain activities didn’t fit in with the bigger plan and would waste too much time, I didn’t do it. My retirement years were too important to waste, so I guarded my time with a vengeance—as all serious writers must do.
I found that I could combine activities. My textbook included practical advice and so did my blog essays. Often I could combine those efforts. It saved time. When I had to run errands, I only go if I have 3-4 things to do. Combining saves time.
I plan all my activities, and I take the time to follow my plans. The absolute best way to accomplish goals is to plan out all my activities—no matter what they are.
I delegated work to others, too. I have a number of editors who work for and with me at McGraw-Hill. I brought my son onboard to construct websites and market my books. I hire my daughter as a proofreader of my books, and I had for some time another person who posted my book reviews on Amazon.com.
I am a perfectionist; however, I am a realistic perfectionist. It means that I know that I can always do better and improve, but I follow the 80-20 rule. It takes 80% of my time to write an essay, and it takes the other 20% to bring it to absolute perfection. My essays are not perfect, but they come close enough. “Trying too hard can lead to feelings of frustration and wasted time,” writes Cynthia Barnett, “Therefore, know when good enough is good enough and simply be willing to move on.”
“In conclusion,” Barnett writes in a summary to her essay that could just as well have been written for this essay, “you can take control over your time and get more done than you ever wanted. Although this requires careful planning and learning, you can accomplish all of your goals by not being a perfectionist, delegating to others, setting long and short term goals, planning and combining activities, prioritizing, getting organized, developing a realistic plan, keeping track of your time, and creating a personal mission statement.”
- - - - - - - -
At Retirement-Online the essay, “Retirement Activities,” offers a half-dozen great ideas. The key, of course, is to stay active.
At The Retirement Café Ernie J. Zellinsky has written a terrific essay, “Top-ten activities to pursue when you’re retired,” packed full of useful and interesting suggestions and advice. This article is well worth your time.
- - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing LLC
What prompted this essay was a “Saturday Essay” written by Dr. David Andersen for The (Toledo) Blade (March 19, 2005), entitled, “Retirement’s gift is the chance to blaze new trail.” When I first read this essay, I was just interested in another person’s point of view. I was closing in on my first ten years of retirement, and I found his perspective interesting but much different from my own. Although Andersen closed the door on one “life,” he left the door wide open for a new one—“Looking out over what once seemed an abyss, I now begin to see instead, uncharted terrain. The journey isn’t over. My destination is still out there. . . .”
What I did in retirement was simpler. I cut what I was doing (teaching and writing) in half, and I simply focused on writing alone.
Actually, when I read Andersen’s comments about leaving loved ones, “The other aspect that is over is my relationship with a people I have grown to love. . . .,” I was reminded of the retirement joke: “Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? He is too polite to tell the whole truth.” I am not making fun of Andersen’s comment nor am I suggesting it wasn’t true. (Having known him quite well, I know the truth of his statement.)
One of the aspects of Andersen’s column that caught my interest, too, was simply that I really wasn’t familiar with retirement—what it means or how it is handled.
What is interesting about this essay title, “Not your daddy’s retirement,” is that I really haven’t had much experience with anyone else’s retirement. My father, a university professor, died with his boots on at 53-years-old. My father-in-law, at 98-years-old as I am writing this, retired at the age of 70 (in 1984) from the University of Michigan and has, since his retirement, completed writing 3 books. His retirement is probably the closest to “normal” (if there is such a thing!) with which I am familiar. We are both authors.
There are so many factors that influence retirement, one being pharmaceuticals. One website said, “Superior pharmaceuticals and better education about health are available now, making it possible for people to live longer, healthier and more energetic lives.” That alone is enough to differentiate “your daddy’s retirement” from present-day circumstances.
Technology alone has changed the nature of retirement for many people. Instead of sitting in a room someplace, reading books and magazines, and watching sports on television (which sums up much of the life of my father-in-law now), they can become completely absorbed in the Internet—playing games, joining chat rooms, staying in contact with friends and relatives, etc.
Watching sports on television reminded me of a sports-related, retirement joke: “Two old timers in their 90's were chatting in the rest home. One was healthy and the other quite ill.
The healthy one asked, ‘I wonder if there is baseball in heaven?’
His chum replied, ‘I'll be there soon, and I will let you know.’
A few days later the old gent passed on and that night the surviving friend was awakened when he heard a voice.
‘Edgar, it's me Bob. I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is you're pitching on Wednesday!!’”
I am not suggesting that I am a model with respect to retirement behavior, and I’m not pretending that I am perfect; however, when I read the “proven tips that you can implement right away” by Cynthia Barnett at the website Right At Home, in her essay “Seniors—Effectively Manage Your Time In Retirement” (posted by Jeannie Locy on April 18, 2011), I have to say they struck a nerve. For me, they represent all that I have been doing now for 15 years of retirement. Remember, these are Barnett’s ideas, not mine; I have adapted them.
When I began my retirement in 1996, I did not know exactly what I wanted to do, but soon after that, I created a personal mission statement. I evaluated my life, figured out what was important to me, wrote down my priorities and what I hoped to accomplish in my life. My specific goal was to become the writer I always wanted to be.
Because I had written a lot previously, I knew that I could do it, but I had never done it full time, so I kept track of how I spent my time. I knew that writing demanded “alone time” with no distractions, and my wife had already lived over 40 years with a “writing husband” in addition to teaching, so I knew I could survive and overcome the time stealers. But that was essential since I worked in a study at home.
I developed a realistic plan. Basically, I wrote essays for The (Toledo) Blade, while I worked on one book after another, all the while writing new editions for Communicating Effectively, 10th (McGraw-Hill, 2012), every three years. When editors changed at The Blade and the “Saturday Essay” column was dropped, I set up a blog to have an outlet for my essays, and later I established a publishing company for my books.
I got organized at once, and since I was already a writer, I had a computer, a study, and all the necessary supporting apparatus—books, dictionaries, thesaurus, pens, pencils, and paper. I found that the cliche was true: the more organized I was, the more productive I became. I get up at 3 when I exercise, but on all other days I am up at 6 a.m. to begin writing.
I had to prioritize. If certain activities didn’t fit in with the bigger plan and would waste too much time, I didn’t do it. My retirement years were too important to waste, so I guarded my time with a vengeance—as all serious writers must do.
I found that I could combine activities. My textbook included practical advice and so did my blog essays. Often I could combine those efforts. It saved time. When I had to run errands, I only go if I have 3-4 things to do. Combining saves time.
I plan all my activities, and I take the time to follow my plans. The absolute best way to accomplish goals is to plan out all my activities—no matter what they are.
I delegated work to others, too. I have a number of editors who work for and with me at McGraw-Hill. I brought my son onboard to construct websites and market my books. I hire my daughter as a proofreader of my books, and I had for some time another person who posted my book reviews on Amazon.com.
I am a perfectionist; however, I am a realistic perfectionist. It means that I know that I can always do better and improve, but I follow the 80-20 rule. It takes 80% of my time to write an essay, and it takes the other 20% to bring it to absolute perfection. My essays are not perfect, but they come close enough. “Trying too hard can lead to feelings of frustration and wasted time,” writes Cynthia Barnett, “Therefore, know when good enough is good enough and simply be willing to move on.”
“In conclusion,” Barnett writes in a summary to her essay that could just as well have been written for this essay, “you can take control over your time and get more done than you ever wanted. Although this requires careful planning and learning, you can accomplish all of your goals by not being a perfectionist, delegating to others, setting long and short term goals, planning and combining activities, prioritizing, getting organized, developing a realistic plan, keeping track of your time, and creating a personal mission statement.”
- - - - - - - -
At Retirement-Online the essay, “Retirement Activities,” offers a half-dozen great ideas. The key, of course, is to stay active.
At The Retirement Café Ernie J. Zellinsky has written a terrific essay, “Top-ten activities to pursue when you’re retired,” packed full of useful and interesting suggestions and advice. This article is well worth your time.
- - - - - - - -
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing LLC
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Travel (Introduction for the book “Exotic Destinations and More”)
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When I lived in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), I mentioned to friends my plan to travel south to Chittagong, Bangladesh, and the woman to whom I was speaking said, “I would never go there, it’s too dirty.” (Many cities in that part of the world are notorious for sacred cows walking free through the streets, pickpockets and beggars, trash and litter.) When I showed a department-store clerk a 20-yuan note, (worth $3.05 U.S.) and told her I had just returned from Beijing, Southeast Asia, she said, “Oh, I would never want to go there! . . . But I’m not much of a traveler anyway.” This same trip came up in a discussion with close friends, and they said, “We would never do something so risky.”
I have never been averse to new experiences, unique opportunities, and potentially exciting encounters.
It needs to be said here that at no point in our many travels (and excursions), have we ever encountered problems, troubles, difficulties or any kind of risk. Our traveling — in all cases — has been smooth, trouble-free, and easy. “Easy,” of course, is a relative word. (When I showed my sister, who was visiting us at the time, my essay entitled, “Cruise Number Ten: Bangkok to Beijing,” — published on my blog while she was visiting — she said she would never want to do all the planning necessary to take such a trip. She did not think what we went through could ever be called “easy.” The essay, “Cruise Number Ten . . .,” discusses the detailed planning we engaged in planning for our Southeast Asia trip.)
Our family (the family I grew up in and the family I am now part of), has been around the world, and we have lived in exotic places (i.e., Pakistan, Hawaii, and Australia). I knowI how unique we are (speaking of both families) with respect to most other people in the world. It is precisely for this reason that some years ago I began writing about the places we visited and the cruises and trips we took.
When my wife heard I was planning to write a book that chronicled our travels, she did not hesitate to say, “Who would be interested in reading about your experiences?” It is an excellent question, and it needs to be addressed. (The easy answer would have been to say, “I would.” But, then, I have a slight bias.)
There are a number of reasons why others might want to read about my experiences. First, many people want to travel and, for a variety of reasons (e.g., time, money, or fear) cannot. They get their satisfaction vicariously, and these essays provide vicarious experiences.
The second reason others may be interested in reading my insights is that when people travel — especially regular travelers — they love to compare their experiences with those of others. Did they feel the same way we did? Did they do something we should have done? Did they get out of this experience just what we did? How did they like it?
A third, more obvious, reason why others might want to read about my travel experiences is to see if any of these places — exotic destinations and more — might be of interest to them. The questions I would be asking would be, Would I want to go there? Would I make these same choices? How might I want to build on what this traveler did or experienced — or repeat his experiences? (Others’ experiences often provide us guidance, suggestions, and opportunities.)
A fourth reason why others might want to read about my experiences is because everything I write about — all of the experiences discussed in this book — are accessible destinations. If others have the time, money, and interest, these are places they can go and, for the same reasons we were lured there, might even want to go.
One thing that made putting this book (Exotic Destinations) together a thrill for me is simply having an opportunity to relive these experiences. That, too, has been one of the great joys of trying to capture all these experiences in writing. At times it has been a bit awkward to find the time to do the writing, but it has always paid off, and I have never regretted it, and now I insist on the time and place to do it.
My notes about my travels have become far more specific and detailed than when I first began writing about them. Also, I have become more focused. For example, many of the details I first wrote about when we began cruising, are no longer important — e.g., crew-passenger ratios, the countries from where crew come, and various cabin adornments. When I take an excursion in a foreign country now, I am much more aware (than when I first began) about the culture, the people, and the various local traditions, artifacts, and nuances. These are the very things that bring a foreign culture alive and make the encounter enriching and worth writing about.
Perhaps it is just maturity or the accumulation of additional experiences or simply my observational skills (improved through polishing and honing), or maybe it is the continued improvement in my ability to take notes on and write about these experiences, but I think I am continuing to improve, learn, and grow. Having left my formal education behind many, many years ago, I think I am capitalizing on the very things I was so fond of teaching my students. It is not the education, per se, it is what you do later with all of your education. It is the process of learning to learn. All these experiences serve as my own personal educational laboratory and have, thus, helped me add to my knowledge and education.
Another factor that has contributed significantly to my growth is that I am now more relaxed than ever. Previously, I was teaching and writing textbooks. Now, with a single textbook in perpetual revision (Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), when I complete work on a new edition, I am through (with the exception of collecting more information) for another couple of years (on a three-year-turn-around time frame), and can truly turn my attention to other things — including relaxation, travel, and writing.
One thing that traveling does (until you can’t do it anymore) is whet your appetite for more travel. It’s is almost like trying to eat one potato chip — you can’t eat just one. You just can’t travel to one destination without wanting to see more and more diverse places! It is, indeed, contagious.
This book (Exotic destinations) represents years and years of traveling. Nobody could accomplish what is represented here in just one or two years. We try now to make two major trips each year — one in the spring and one in the fall. Because we have now seen so much and so many places, we have decided (at least in part) to try to be more selective in the choices we make. That is, we are now going to visit those places we have enjoyed and would like to either see again or see more of. But, there will be more essays, no doubt about that — since I have a blog that like an appetite, needs fuel. I have a mind, too, that needs fuel, and travel experiences are one type of fuel I truly seek and enjoy. I hope you enjoy these experiences as much as I did — and as much as I liked writing about them, too.
- - - - - - - -
Purchase the book Exotic Destinations at Amazon.
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.When I lived in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), I mentioned to friends my plan to travel south to Chittagong, Bangladesh, and the woman to whom I was speaking said, “I would never go there, it’s too dirty.” (Many cities in that part of the world are notorious for sacred cows walking free through the streets, pickpockets and beggars, trash and litter.) When I showed a department-store clerk a 20-yuan note, (worth $3.05 U.S.) and told her I had just returned from Beijing, Southeast Asia, she said, “Oh, I would never want to go there! . . . But I’m not much of a traveler anyway.” This same trip came up in a discussion with close friends, and they said, “We would never do something so risky.”
I have never been averse to new experiences, unique opportunities, and potentially exciting encounters.
It needs to be said here that at no point in our many travels (and excursions), have we ever encountered problems, troubles, difficulties or any kind of risk. Our traveling — in all cases — has been smooth, trouble-free, and easy. “Easy,” of course, is a relative word. (When I showed my sister, who was visiting us at the time, my essay entitled, “Cruise Number Ten: Bangkok to Beijing,” — published on my blog while she was visiting — she said she would never want to do all the planning necessary to take such a trip. She did not think what we went through could ever be called “easy.” The essay, “Cruise Number Ten . . .,” discusses the detailed planning we engaged in planning for our Southeast Asia trip.)
Our family (the family I grew up in and the family I am now part of), has been around the world, and we have lived in exotic places (i.e., Pakistan, Hawaii, and Australia). I knowI how unique we are (speaking of both families) with respect to most other people in the world. It is precisely for this reason that some years ago I began writing about the places we visited and the cruises and trips we took.
When my wife heard I was planning to write a book that chronicled our travels, she did not hesitate to say, “Who would be interested in reading about your experiences?” It is an excellent question, and it needs to be addressed. (The easy answer would have been to say, “I would.” But, then, I have a slight bias.)
There are a number of reasons why others might want to read about my experiences. First, many people want to travel and, for a variety of reasons (e.g., time, money, or fear) cannot. They get their satisfaction vicariously, and these essays provide vicarious experiences.
The second reason others may be interested in reading my insights is that when people travel — especially regular travelers — they love to compare their experiences with those of others. Did they feel the same way we did? Did they do something we should have done? Did they get out of this experience just what we did? How did they like it?
A third, more obvious, reason why others might want to read about my travel experiences is to see if any of these places — exotic destinations and more — might be of interest to them. The questions I would be asking would be, Would I want to go there? Would I make these same choices? How might I want to build on what this traveler did or experienced — or repeat his experiences? (Others’ experiences often provide us guidance, suggestions, and opportunities.)
A fourth reason why others might want to read about my experiences is because everything I write about — all of the experiences discussed in this book — are accessible destinations. If others have the time, money, and interest, these are places they can go and, for the same reasons we were lured there, might even want to go.
One thing that made putting this book (Exotic Destinations) together a thrill for me is simply having an opportunity to relive these experiences. That, too, has been one of the great joys of trying to capture all these experiences in writing. At times it has been a bit awkward to find the time to do the writing, but it has always paid off, and I have never regretted it, and now I insist on the time and place to do it.
My notes about my travels have become far more specific and detailed than when I first began writing about them. Also, I have become more focused. For example, many of the details I first wrote about when we began cruising, are no longer important — e.g., crew-passenger ratios, the countries from where crew come, and various cabin adornments. When I take an excursion in a foreign country now, I am much more aware (than when I first began) about the culture, the people, and the various local traditions, artifacts, and nuances. These are the very things that bring a foreign culture alive and make the encounter enriching and worth writing about.
Perhaps it is just maturity or the accumulation of additional experiences or simply my observational skills (improved through polishing and honing), or maybe it is the continued improvement in my ability to take notes on and write about these experiences, but I think I am continuing to improve, learn, and grow. Having left my formal education behind many, many years ago, I think I am capitalizing on the very things I was so fond of teaching my students. It is not the education, per se, it is what you do later with all of your education. It is the process of learning to learn. All these experiences serve as my own personal educational laboratory and have, thus, helped me add to my knowledge and education.
Another factor that has contributed significantly to my growth is that I am now more relaxed than ever. Previously, I was teaching and writing textbooks. Now, with a single textbook in perpetual revision (Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), when I complete work on a new edition, I am through (with the exception of collecting more information) for another couple of years (on a three-year-turn-around time frame), and can truly turn my attention to other things — including relaxation, travel, and writing.
One thing that traveling does (until you can’t do it anymore) is whet your appetite for more travel. It’s is almost like trying to eat one potato chip — you can’t eat just one. You just can’t travel to one destination without wanting to see more and more diverse places! It is, indeed, contagious.
This book (Exotic destinations) represents years and years of traveling. Nobody could accomplish what is represented here in just one or two years. We try now to make two major trips each year — one in the spring and one in the fall. Because we have now seen so much and so many places, we have decided (at least in part) to try to be more selective in the choices we make. That is, we are now going to visit those places we have enjoyed and would like to either see again or see more of. But, there will be more essays, no doubt about that — since I have a blog that like an appetite, needs fuel. I have a mind, too, that needs fuel, and travel experiences are one type of fuel I truly seek and enjoy. I hope you enjoy these experiences as much as I did — and as much as I liked writing about them, too.
- - - - - - - -
Purchase the book Exotic Destinations at Amazon.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Exploring Australia
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
The thoughts about Australia prior to our visit there ranged widely from a country with a primitive road system to an advanced, modern, industrial society. The reason for this wide range of thoughts (and emotions, too!) is simply that my family had no idea what to expect. For me, it was a six-month sabbatical, and I had made contact at four educational institutions to teach or lecture.
For making arrangements from such a distance away, everything went surprisingly smoothly, and the three-out-of-four of our teenage children who accompanied us, loved the entire experience. Our fourth child joined us with about a third of our trip left — and loved it, too.
One thing we have discovered from all our travels is that people are both friendly and helpful. As an example, we were standing at the Sydney Opera House looking at a map, and an Australian who overheard our accident, came over to help us out and give us direction. We were in Australia for about six months, and we visited most of the common tourist sites; however, in all of our travels throughout the country, we never encountered another American — not one!
We moved from Sydney to Manly Beach where we stayed for a week. It is a major tourist destination, and our apartment there looked out onto the beautiful beach and the Norfolk Pines that lined it. The Corso at Manly is a partly-malled promenade area between Manly Beach and Manly Wharf, an area of cafes, interesting shops, and street entertainment.
From Sydney — where I delivered several lectures at the University of Sydney — we traveled north to (Australia’s answer to Florida) Queensland (in a rental car) where I taught a course at Bond University in the College of Humanities and Social Sciences. It was a rhetoric course in which I taught a speech-communication component.
Bond University rented a place for our family in a luxurious, resort-oriented motel-like location nearby the university; thus, our family had outstanding accommodations where we could swim and walk just a short distance for groceries. We used our “home” as a base for exploring Queensland — the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, the white-sand beaches, and some of the interior areas where “hippies” had created a self-sufficient lifestyle. I also delivered one lecture at the University of Queensland.
Our next destination was Melbourne, and before heading there, we had to make some plans. We had no place to stay, but we found one advertised in the newspaper in St. Kilda; we purchased rail passes for each of our family members — timing their purchase to cover our future trip to Perth. While in the U.S., we arranged a faculty exchange with a professor from St. Albans University. It is located just south and west from Melbourne. So, from Queensland, after our six-week stay was complete, we boarded a train bound for Sydney and then on to Melbourne.
The faculty member from St. Albans, whom we never met, left us her car to use while there (it was a French Peugot), and her mother and father invited our family over for a typical Australian meal.
Just a quick aside here. Every family we met thought it would be a special treat to give us a typical Australian meal; thus, we had lamb and potatoes and some kind of pumpkin for each of these meals. The only exception was in Perth where we met one of my wife’s relatives who treated us to an American meal instead.
Melbourne is a large, diverse city with much to see. One of our biggest treats was to travel to Phillip Island to see the fairy penguins (called that because of their tiny size). It is the second most popular tourist attraction in Australia — second only to the Sydney Opera House. Because our older son was not with us yet, our other three children traveled by train from Melbourne to Sydney to meet him and ride with him to where we were living. Once they were all back in Melbourne, we went a second time to see these little penguins.
While in Melbourne, we traveled the Great Ocean Road (some call it the Great Coastal Highway), visited the Old Melbourne Gaol (Jail) — the site where 135 people, including infamous bushranger Ned Kelly, were hanged. — Flinders Street Station, the Royal Botanical Gardens, Ballarat (which has a topnotch historical park in Sovereign Hill in this goldfields town). Ballarat has Australia’s largest recreation of a phase (1851-1880) in Australia’s history.
We had to miss a trip north from Adelaide to Alice Springs and Ayers Rock (Uluru). With six adults, the trip on the Ghan Railroad, a stay at one of the Ayers Rock hotels, and a bus trip and tour out to see the Rock, was going to be far too expensive for us. One website on the Ghan says, “The Ghan train fare is substantially more than what it would cost you to fly – and if you plan to stay over at Alice or Katherine you should make sure that your budget can stretch to cover the sightseeing activities.”
Instead of going north, however, we went west. We took a three-day, three-night trip on the Indian Pacific Train from Melbourne, through Adelaide, across the Nullarbor Plain to Perth. About this plain, Wikipedia says, “The Nullarbor Plain is part of the area of flat, almost treeless, arid or semi-arid country of southern Australia, located on the Great Australian Bight coast with the Great Victoria Desert to its north. The word Nullarbor is derived from the Latin nullus, ‘no,’ and arbor, ‘tree.’”
About the train ride, one website explains it in this way: “One stretch of track goes for 478km [297 miles] without curve, kink or bend. Dead straight, and the view at the start is the same as it is at the end. It may seem mind-numbingly boring, but the sensation, and the sense of achievement is what makes this one of the world’s greatest train journeys.”
We had two highlights of our trip to Perth. The first, “Leaving Perth eastward along the Great Eastern Highway, as you drive up Greenmount Hill in the Darling Range, you are climbing up onto the oldest plateau on earth: a huge slab of granite, part of ancient Gondawana, sitting in the sun, wind and rain for more than a thousand million years. It has eroded down into the soils of the valleys, and the chains of lakes, and the old blind volcanos like Hyden Rock have been exposed.” It is called Wave Rock, and is a site that must be visited.
The second highlight was our visit to Nambung National Park and the Pinnacle Dessert, one of Australia’s best known landscapes. “Here, thousands of huge limestone pillars rise from the shifting yellow sands, resembling a landscape from a science fiction movie”
I delivered several lectures at the University of Western Australia, and our visit to Perth ended our six months in Australia — an interesting, spectacular, and memorable visit. We did everything we could do within our time limit and budget, and it is a place to which we would gladly return.
- - - - - - -
If you are planning a trip to Australia, make sure you visit Australia’s Official Tourism Website Not only are there terrific pictures, but the “Learn More” icon associated with every picture offers great information.
At the Viator website offers, “Top 25 Things to Do in Australia & New Zealand: 2010 Viator Travel Awards” (November 28, 2010) and provides much useful information.
- - - - - -
Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
The thoughts about Australia prior to our visit there ranged widely from a country with a primitive road system to an advanced, modern, industrial society. The reason for this wide range of thoughts (and emotions, too!) is simply that my family had no idea what to expect. For me, it was a six-month sabbatical, and I had made contact at four educational institutions to teach or lecture.
For making arrangements from such a distance away, everything went surprisingly smoothly, and the three-out-of-four of our teenage children who accompanied us, loved the entire experience. Our fourth child joined us with about a third of our trip left — and loved it, too.
One thing we have discovered from all our travels is that people are both friendly and helpful. As an example, we were standing at the Sydney Opera House looking at a map, and an Australian who overheard our accident, came over to help us out and give us direction. We were in Australia for about six months, and we visited most of the common tourist sites; however, in all of our travels throughout the country, we never encountered another American — not one!
We moved from Sydney to Manly Beach where we stayed for a week. It is a major tourist destination, and our apartment there looked out onto the beautiful beach and the Norfolk Pines that lined it. The Corso at Manly is a partly-malled promenade area between Manly Beach and Manly Wharf, an area of cafes, interesting shops, and street entertainment.
From Sydney — where I delivered several lectures at the University of Sydney — we traveled north to (Australia’s answer to Florida) Queensland (in a rental car) where I taught a course at Bond University in the College of Humanities and Social Sciences. It was a rhetoric course in which I taught a speech-communication component.
Bond University rented a place for our family in a luxurious, resort-oriented motel-like location nearby the university; thus, our family had outstanding accommodations where we could swim and walk just a short distance for groceries. We used our “home” as a base for exploring Queensland — the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, the white-sand beaches, and some of the interior areas where “hippies” had created a self-sufficient lifestyle. I also delivered one lecture at the University of Queensland.
Our next destination was Melbourne, and before heading there, we had to make some plans. We had no place to stay, but we found one advertised in the newspaper in St. Kilda; we purchased rail passes for each of our family members — timing their purchase to cover our future trip to Perth. While in the U.S., we arranged a faculty exchange with a professor from St. Albans University. It is located just south and west from Melbourne. So, from Queensland, after our six-week stay was complete, we boarded a train bound for Sydney and then on to Melbourne.
The faculty member from St. Albans, whom we never met, left us her car to use while there (it was a French Peugot), and her mother and father invited our family over for a typical Australian meal.
Just a quick aside here. Every family we met thought it would be a special treat to give us a typical Australian meal; thus, we had lamb and potatoes and some kind of pumpkin for each of these meals. The only exception was in Perth where we met one of my wife’s relatives who treated us to an American meal instead.
Melbourne is a large, diverse city with much to see. One of our biggest treats was to travel to Phillip Island to see the fairy penguins (called that because of their tiny size). It is the second most popular tourist attraction in Australia — second only to the Sydney Opera House. Because our older son was not with us yet, our other three children traveled by train from Melbourne to Sydney to meet him and ride with him to where we were living. Once they were all back in Melbourne, we went a second time to see these little penguins.
While in Melbourne, we traveled the Great Ocean Road (some call it the Great Coastal Highway), visited the Old Melbourne Gaol (Jail) — the site where 135 people, including infamous bushranger Ned Kelly, were hanged. — Flinders Street Station, the Royal Botanical Gardens, Ballarat (which has a topnotch historical park in Sovereign Hill in this goldfields town). Ballarat has Australia’s largest recreation of a phase (1851-1880) in Australia’s history.
We had to miss a trip north from Adelaide to Alice Springs and Ayers Rock (Uluru). With six adults, the trip on the Ghan Railroad, a stay at one of the Ayers Rock hotels, and a bus trip and tour out to see the Rock, was going to be far too expensive for us. One website on the Ghan says, “The Ghan train fare is substantially more than what it would cost you to fly – and if you plan to stay over at Alice or Katherine you should make sure that your budget can stretch to cover the sightseeing activities.”
Instead of going north, however, we went west. We took a three-day, three-night trip on the Indian Pacific Train from Melbourne, through Adelaide, across the Nullarbor Plain to Perth. About this plain, Wikipedia says, “The Nullarbor Plain is part of the area of flat, almost treeless, arid or semi-arid country of southern Australia, located on the Great Australian Bight coast with the Great Victoria Desert to its north. The word Nullarbor is derived from the Latin nullus, ‘no,’ and arbor, ‘tree.’”
About the train ride, one website explains it in this way: “One stretch of track goes for 478km [297 miles] without curve, kink or bend. Dead straight, and the view at the start is the same as it is at the end. It may seem mind-numbingly boring, but the sensation, and the sense of achievement is what makes this one of the world’s greatest train journeys.”
We had two highlights of our trip to Perth. The first, “Leaving Perth eastward along the Great Eastern Highway, as you drive up Greenmount Hill in the Darling Range, you are climbing up onto the oldest plateau on earth: a huge slab of granite, part of ancient Gondawana, sitting in the sun, wind and rain for more than a thousand million years. It has eroded down into the soils of the valleys, and the chains of lakes, and the old blind volcanos like Hyden Rock have been exposed.” It is called Wave Rock, and is a site that must be visited.
The second highlight was our visit to Nambung National Park and the Pinnacle Dessert, one of Australia’s best known landscapes. “Here, thousands of huge limestone pillars rise from the shifting yellow sands, resembling a landscape from a science fiction movie”
I delivered several lectures at the University of Western Australia, and our visit to Perth ended our six months in Australia — an interesting, spectacular, and memorable visit. We did everything we could do within our time limit and budget, and it is a place to which we would gladly return.
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If you are planning a trip to Australia, make sure you visit Australia’s Official Tourism Website Not only are there terrific pictures, but the “Learn More” icon associated with every picture offers great information.
At the Viator website offers, “Top 25 Things to Do in Australia & New Zealand: 2010 Viator Travel Awards” (November 28, 2010) and provides much useful information.
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Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Review of the speech “Sticky Ideas: Low-Tech Solutions to a High-Tech Problem”*
(There is an important caveat to this review of the speech, “Sticky Ideas.” This is my own speech that I am reviewing. (I have never done this before!) I conceived the idea; I constructed the speech; I delivered the speech. To be certain, I am biased. This review was written on the day I saw the speech published in the book Public Speaking: An Audience-Centered Approach, 8e by Steven A. And Susan J. Beebe (Allyn & Bacon, 2012, pp. 410-414). I had not read the speech for four years and, it was my re-reading of it after four years that prompted this review/essay.)
Ask yourself the question, after hearing (or reading) a speech, and knowing that you were impressed by it, what is the ingredient or element that contributed most to that impression? In some cases, of course, it is how the speech was delivered. Often, delivery dominates people’s impressions because, first, it is obvious, and, second, because we judge others on how they look and behave.
Although it is hoped that our assessment of others is conditional — that we base any final assessment of others on substantive matters — it doesn’t always happen, cannot be predicted with assurance, and often is suppressed by both habit and the obvious. Assessing speeches on nonverbal behavior is something everyone does. Analyzing content is more difficult.
In this review — or, whenever a speech is read but never actually heard — the element of delivery is omitted (except where I add a comment at the end of this review). That ingredient or element that engages a reader (or audience member) is the number and effectiveness of the examples. This short speech includes close to 25 examples — with an extended example, an illustration — used to close the speech. Each one holds attention, captures readers’ interest, and, with the exception of the final illustration, moves readers farther into the speech.
Let’s examine the entire speech and see why it might have been selected as a sample speech for inclusion in the popular college textbook, Public Speaking: An Audience-Centered Approach, 8e, by Steven A. And Susan J. Beebe (Allyn & Bacon, 2012), pages 410-414.
The idea for the speech came to me as a result of the co-alignment of two factors. First, I was asked to give a speech to a college audience which would largely be composed of students, and some faculty, in a Department of Speech Communication. Students would range from freshmen enrolled in basic courses through senior majors. Second, I had recently read the book by Chip and Dan Heath, Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die (Random House, 2007), and I was not only deeply affected by their ideas, but I realized they were important to all speakers and could have enormous impact.
The theme or central idea for the speech arose from what I perceived as a problem, and I defined the problem precisely in the speech: “The problem, simply put, is the appeal that technology has for the youth of our nation. Let’s clarify it. We live in a fast-paced, instant results, eye-catching and attention-arresting, multimedia flash, short-attention-span, world where any idea that isn’t current, relevant, and immediate — and delivered on a screen — is discarded as obsolete, out-of-date, old-fashioned, defunct, and dead. Many students today can code and decode complex messages in a variety of media, and many, too, are already prepared to communicate with a level of visual sophistication that will carry them through the multimedia-dependent environment of higher education and the modern work environment. The problem is simply: how do educators compete? How do we give our thoughts high-tech appeal in a technology-driven world” (p. 411)?
It should be noted here that this is an informative speech, and for an informative speech, the central idea should contain the information you want the audience to remember. It was stated in the speech following the information quoted above: “What I want to do is provide low-tech solutions to this high-tech problem” (p. 411). Thus, everything in the speech should promote this idea, and the specific purpose of the speech demonstrates what I expected to achieve in this speech: To inform audience members how they (as speakers) can compete in this high-tech world with low-tech solutions.
To demonstrate how everything in the speech relates directly to the central idea, let’s examine the organization of the speech — how ideas are arranged. One of the strengths of this speech is its tight organization. Notice, for example that everything prior to the actual descriptions of the low-tech solutions lays a foundation for what follows. The speech opens with an illustration about my background in delivering a lecture on attention and is designed to establish my own credibility with the information that will follow: how long I had been delivering the lecture (30 years), the popularity of the lecture, and how many students had heard it.
Following this illustration, I explain the problem (described above), briefly explain the characteristics of “attention” that contribute to the high-tech problem, provide a transition (“What I want to do now, in the remaining part of the lecture, is show you how you can compete . . . .”), give credit to Chip and Dan Heath’s excellent book, Made to Stick, explain “the curse of knowledge” (“once we know something, we find it hard to imagine what it was like not to know it. Our knowledge has ‘cursed” us” (p. 412)), and explain how the “curse” contributes to the high-tech problem.
The description and examples of the six low-tech solutions follows a clear topical organizational pattern. Even though there are six ideas, one following another, this is not a chronological pattern because the ideas are parallel with each other. They do not build up nor does any one of them depend on any other. Following five of the solutions ((1) simplicity, (2) unexpectedness, (3) concreteness, (4) credibility, and (5) emotions) there is a brief summary that is introduced so that I could end with the sixth low-tech solution: (6) stories.
Notice that the speech ends with the “most powerful of the low-tech solutions” (p. 413), stories, and their effectiveness is underscored twice, first by the statement, “Stories have the power to enthrall, to hold listeners spellbound, to mesmerize, entrance, dazzle, charm, captivate, and fascinate” (p. 413), and second, by the story itself — a personal experience that not only extended over 50 years but a story, too, that was in the process of being remedied.
The language of the speech is colloquial with no special jargon, literary flourishes, or complexities. It was delivered from a manuscript; however, I knew (and had practiced) the material thoroughly; thus, I delivered it without depending on the manuscript much at all, in an extemporaneous manner. It took about 25-30 minutes to deliver the speech, and several questions from the audience of about 50, followed.
*This speech (“Sticky Ideas: Low-Tech Solutions to a High-Tech Problem,”) was originally published in Vital Speeches of the Day (1 August 2007): 73:8.
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I am grateful to have my speech reproduced in the book Public Speaking: An Audience-Centered Approach, 8e, by Steven A. Beebe and Susan J. Beebe (Allyn & Bacon, 2012). If you are looking for a comprehensive, well-constructed, beautifully laid out, and thoroughly practical book on public speaking, this book would be an excellent choice.
At Six Minutes the essay by Andrew Dlugan, “Speech Analysis #1: How to Study and Critique a Speech” (January 18, 2008), is designed to do the following: “The first in the series, this article outlines questions to ask yourself when assessing a presentation. Ask these questions whether you attend the presentation, or whether you view a video or read the speech text. These questions also apply when you conduct a self evaluation of your own speeches.”
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Copyright November, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
There is so much pettiness in this world
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
As I looked at the political picture in the U.S. today, I thought of a quotation by Margaret J. Wheatley that so accurately captured the situation: “In our daily life,” she wrote, “we encounter people who are angry, deceitful, intent only on satisfying their own needs. There is so much anger, distrust, greed, and pettiness that we are losing our capacity to work well together.” It's embarrassing to admit that we harbor pettiness in our lives, but the fact is that most of us do.
Throughout my college-teaching career, I tried to combat pettiness. For example, it is common knowledge (and frequently illustrated) that we tell books by their covers. And, too, we often judge a speaker more by his or her delivery than by the substance of the speech. As much as I would list and thoroughly discuss each of the essential elements — outside of the area of delivery — and emphasize the importance of making decisions of worth based on content, one could never dismiss (and should not!) the role that delivery plays in a speech performance. But when one weighs one against the other (content versus delivery), the problem is simply that delivery often weighs in at 90-100% of the judgment.
I guess it can’t be helped. Our whole society seems consumed by pettiness. When celebrity glamor rules the media and people spend their time watching reality shows and the silly antics of people testing their “skills” for a camera, it appears inevitable that pettiness would dominate. Look at the preoccupations of many of the youth today. Spending time playing games or texting others reveals a great deal of pettiness and demonstrates how it dominates our lives. And this youthful model is what sets the stage for a lifetime of pettiness.
Pettiness occurs at all levels of our society. Look at this quotation from the Chronicle of Higher Education , (August 26, 2009) from an article, “On Hiring: Searching for Pettiness,” by Gene C. Fant Jr.: “Obviously, there are professional parameters for business communications, especially in searches, but my point is really that there is a certain level of pettiness that can creep into the selection process, especially when applicants are very numerous. At previous institutions and in my professional network, I’ve heard no’s generated by paper-weight choices (‘lightweight paper makes for lightweight applicants’), by conference-presentation titles (“if it has a colon in it, it must be full of feces”), and even by names (‘I couldn’t work with someone with a name that close to a person from my past whom I hate’).”
I ask you now, aren’t these the most petty reasons for rejecting a candidate?
When I listen to my 98-year-old father-in-law and hear some of the reasons why he holds a grudge against a popular television newsreader, doesn’t like a particular politician, or fails to appreciate an actor or actress because of a “fatal [petty] flaw.” I realize how pettiness can reside in people forever. The French writer Andre Maurois said, “Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year's time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”
You might think this essay on pettiness would offer readers ways to overcome it, suggestions for dealing with it, or steps to take to reduce it. No, I don’t think it can be helped. We are a petty society led by petty politicians, petty news media, and an entire entertainment industry that caters to, dotes on, and proclaims pettiness through its reports, programs, and productions. How in the world could all of that be reduced or made manageable?
I think the most important consideration of all is simply to understand it. Whether we like it or not, other people will be petty. So often, understanding it helps put it into perspective: “Oh, that’s Edgar being petty again.” You hear it; you understand it; you accept it; and you dismiss it.
Nobody wants to be petty, but everyone is.
There are, it’s true, several ways each of us has to try to control (rein in!) our own pettiness. For example, I thought this quotation from the website, inspiration-for-singles.com is especially poignant and carries a great deal of wisdom: “When small-mindedness creeps into our lives, it's usually a gradual process. Overcoming it is a gradual process, too. I've found that building and maintaining my self-esteem is a lifelong job. When I battle pettiness in myself, I try to remember the Golden Rule: I don't like it when people are nasty to me, so I shouldn't be nasty to others.
“It's a challenge to be pleasant and cheerful when you don't feel well or when you've just suffered some tragedy or defeat in your life. But it's always wise to think very carefully before you lash out.”
I have discovered an amazing elixir — a potion intended to cure one's pettiness — and that is work. That is, I have found that when I pour myself into my work with focus, deep penetration, and perseverance, I do not have the time, interest, or need to be petty. And, although this is certainly not universally true, pettiness is for lightweights — the unintellectual, undemanding, insubstantial, shallow people. You see, I use such an internal pronouncement — knowing that it is not universally true! — to convince myself I do not qualify to be among those who want to be petty. It helps keep me above the fray, and when I dip down, as a bird diving to retrieve an insect, I remind myself of this pronouncement, and it helps me regain altitude.
Along with this pronouncement, I have discovered, too, compassion. Petty people are unlikely to change — ever! And although it is tough at times, I have the need to summon the courage to respond to pettiness and petty people with its antidote — compassion. I try to find ways to wish them good will, or, as is more often the case, to avoid them altogether.
“Those who occupy their minds with small matters,” said Francois de La Rochefoucauld, “generally become incapable of greatness.” Although I am not seeking greatness, nor will I ever, such a quote offers some sanity in this world of pettiness. I don’t get involved with it, I don’t try to change others, and I don’t lower myself to their level. If you see pettiness of any kind, do as I do, smile, understand it, appreciate it for the pettiness that it is, and go on with your life. It was Winston Churchill who said, “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”
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At the website, EzineArticles.com, the essay by Michael Arthur Moore, “Mean Spirited and Petty People - How to Deal With Them Effectively,” at least five specific suggestions. This essay is definitely worth reading. His final paragraph reads: “Happiness is up to each and every one of us. We control our surroundings for the most part. Taking personal responsibility for your actions is the road to happiness.”
The essay, “How to deal with difficult people,” at SelfGrowth.com offers seven terrific suggestions. After making her suggestions, Brenda concludes her essay saying: “Without a doubt, there will be difficult people who appear upon your path. It is your choice how you wish to deal with them. Hopefully, I have provided a guide to help you make choices that work for you.”
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
As I looked at the political picture in the U.S. today, I thought of a quotation by Margaret J. Wheatley that so accurately captured the situation: “In our daily life,” she wrote, “we encounter people who are angry, deceitful, intent only on satisfying their own needs. There is so much anger, distrust, greed, and pettiness that we are losing our capacity to work well together.” It's embarrassing to admit that we harbor pettiness in our lives, but the fact is that most of us do.
Throughout my college-teaching career, I tried to combat pettiness. For example, it is common knowledge (and frequently illustrated) that we tell books by their covers. And, too, we often judge a speaker more by his or her delivery than by the substance of the speech. As much as I would list and thoroughly discuss each of the essential elements — outside of the area of delivery — and emphasize the importance of making decisions of worth based on content, one could never dismiss (and should not!) the role that delivery plays in a speech performance. But when one weighs one against the other (content versus delivery), the problem is simply that delivery often weighs in at 90-100% of the judgment.
I guess it can’t be helped. Our whole society seems consumed by pettiness. When celebrity glamor rules the media and people spend their time watching reality shows and the silly antics of people testing their “skills” for a camera, it appears inevitable that pettiness would dominate. Look at the preoccupations of many of the youth today. Spending time playing games or texting others reveals a great deal of pettiness and demonstrates how it dominates our lives. And this youthful model is what sets the stage for a lifetime of pettiness.
Pettiness occurs at all levels of our society. Look at this quotation from the Chronicle of Higher Education , (August 26, 2009) from an article, “On Hiring: Searching for Pettiness,” by Gene C. Fant Jr.: “Obviously, there are professional parameters for business communications, especially in searches, but my point is really that there is a certain level of pettiness that can creep into the selection process, especially when applicants are very numerous. At previous institutions and in my professional network, I’ve heard no’s generated by paper-weight choices (‘lightweight paper makes for lightweight applicants’), by conference-presentation titles (“if it has a colon in it, it must be full of feces”), and even by names (‘I couldn’t work with someone with a name that close to a person from my past whom I hate’).”
I ask you now, aren’t these the most petty reasons for rejecting a candidate?
When I listen to my 98-year-old father-in-law and hear some of the reasons why he holds a grudge against a popular television newsreader, doesn’t like a particular politician, or fails to appreciate an actor or actress because of a “fatal [petty] flaw.” I realize how pettiness can reside in people forever. The French writer Andre Maurois said, “Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year's time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”
You might think this essay on pettiness would offer readers ways to overcome it, suggestions for dealing with it, or steps to take to reduce it. No, I don’t think it can be helped. We are a petty society led by petty politicians, petty news media, and an entire entertainment industry that caters to, dotes on, and proclaims pettiness through its reports, programs, and productions. How in the world could all of that be reduced or made manageable?
I think the most important consideration of all is simply to understand it. Whether we like it or not, other people will be petty. So often, understanding it helps put it into perspective: “Oh, that’s Edgar being petty again.” You hear it; you understand it; you accept it; and you dismiss it.
Nobody wants to be petty, but everyone is.
There are, it’s true, several ways each of us has to try to control (rein in!) our own pettiness. For example, I thought this quotation from the website, inspiration-for-singles.com is especially poignant and carries a great deal of wisdom: “When small-mindedness creeps into our lives, it's usually a gradual process. Overcoming it is a gradual process, too. I've found that building and maintaining my self-esteem is a lifelong job. When I battle pettiness in myself, I try to remember the Golden Rule: I don't like it when people are nasty to me, so I shouldn't be nasty to others.
“It's a challenge to be pleasant and cheerful when you don't feel well or when you've just suffered some tragedy or defeat in your life. But it's always wise to think very carefully before you lash out.”
I have discovered an amazing elixir — a potion intended to cure one's pettiness — and that is work. That is, I have found that when I pour myself into my work with focus, deep penetration, and perseverance, I do not have the time, interest, or need to be petty. And, although this is certainly not universally true, pettiness is for lightweights — the unintellectual, undemanding, insubstantial, shallow people. You see, I use such an internal pronouncement — knowing that it is not universally true! — to convince myself I do not qualify to be among those who want to be petty. It helps keep me above the fray, and when I dip down, as a bird diving to retrieve an insect, I remind myself of this pronouncement, and it helps me regain altitude.
Along with this pronouncement, I have discovered, too, compassion. Petty people are unlikely to change — ever! And although it is tough at times, I have the need to summon the courage to respond to pettiness and petty people with its antidote — compassion. I try to find ways to wish them good will, or, as is more often the case, to avoid them altogether.
“Those who occupy their minds with small matters,” said Francois de La Rochefoucauld, “generally become incapable of greatness.” Although I am not seeking greatness, nor will I ever, such a quote offers some sanity in this world of pettiness. I don’t get involved with it, I don’t try to change others, and I don’t lower myself to their level. If you see pettiness of any kind, do as I do, smile, understand it, appreciate it for the pettiness that it is, and go on with your life. It was Winston Churchill who said, “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”
- - - - - - -
At the website, EzineArticles.com, the essay by Michael Arthur Moore, “Mean Spirited and Petty People - How to Deal With Them Effectively,” at least five specific suggestions. This essay is definitely worth reading. His final paragraph reads: “Happiness is up to each and every one of us. We control our surroundings for the most part. Taking personal responsibility for your actions is the road to happiness.”
The essay, “How to deal with difficult people,” at SelfGrowth.com offers seven terrific suggestions. After making her suggestions, Brenda concludes her essay saying: “Without a doubt, there will be difficult people who appear upon your path. It is your choice how you wish to deal with them. Hopefully, I have provided a guide to help you make choices that work for you.”
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Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
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