by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
In a book by Ruth David Konigsberg, The Truth About Grief (Simon & Schuster, 2011) one of the ways Konigsberg focuses upon when it comes to successfully coping with grief, is having effective coping skills; however, the question quickly comes to mind, “What does that mean?” or “Do I have effective coping skills?” or “How can I develop the proper skills so I am prepared to face difficult (stressful, hurtful, or pressure-related) situations?” or “How can I handle life’s challenges in the most effective way?”
The problem is that life can deliver-up a whole raft of problems at a moment’s notice — or, with no notice at all. Think about it. It could be a serious illness or chronic pain, death of a loved one, an abusive relationship, a serious accident, divorce, a big financial loss or bankruptcy, burnout, or a business or career failure. It could be a child or grandchild with ADHD or autism. The possibilities are endless — and likely to be ever so personal and unrelated to anything else.
What happens in severe times of anxiety or stress is that the situations create high emotional arousal. High emotional arousal significantly distorts thinking, reasoning, problem-solving and decision-making ability. That is precisely why having coping skills in place, already developed, and ready to be used is important. The more habitual and automatic the better!
Emotions can overload your senses and cloud or block problem-solving skills, decision-making ability, and rational thinking. Having effective coping skills in place can help you maintain control and prevent you from giving in to your emotions. They keep you sane, stable, upright, and healthy.
The first and most effective coping skill is to have a variety of different tools in your toolbox. In other words, there is no single, most-important, or most-valuable tool. When all you have in the world is a hammer, everything in the world looks like a nail. This is an incredibly valuable insight. Just as there aren’t only nails with which we must contend, there aren’t only hammers we need to use.
How do you know what tools you will need? You can begin with basic problem-solving skills. Yes, you can do some of this in the classroom, some of this by solving family and relationship problems, and some of this through reading, but finding solutions to your own personal problems is, perhaps, the way that will have the most effect. Think through the problems you face, work out various possible scenarios, and consider alternative solutions. Can you sit down with others and brainstorm ways to cope with situations? (One of the values of a college education is, of course, the opportunities to socialize, share, and work together with others.)
The second important tool you will need in your toolbox, in addition to problem-solving skills, are relaxation skills. Often, these are personal and need to be developed independently of others, however, to have a set of skills that you can use in times of stress — ready and waiting — can be powerful and effective. Sometimes you may need quiet, relaxing activities such as listening to music, drawing, reading, or writing in a journal. Others may need active exercises. Also, remember that different situations may require different approaches — even for the same person. I know, for example, I enjoy quiet, relaxing activities, but I also know there are times when I prefer being active. For me, jogging, bicycling, mowing the lawn, or building things may serve the purpose. Having back-up plans, too, can help.
It is important to know that extremely stressful situations can stimulate a variety of harmful activities like overeating, smoking, or drinking. These are self-medicating remedies designed specifically to mask the pain. Having a variety of useful, effective, and immediately available approaches to relaxation can be a constructive, worthwhile, and beneficial solution.
The second most effective coping skill, in addition to having a variety of different tools in your toolbox (problem-solving skills and relaxation activities), is to develop a healthy lifestyle. I know, for example, the best way I have for dealing with anxiety is to exercise. For me, getting a moderate amount of exercise on a regular basis allows me time to think, relax, plan, and — most important of all — be in good health.
Being in good health means eating a well-balanced diet, drinking plenty of water, and getting a good night’s sleep. Staying away from alcohol and drugs (as well as caffeinated beverages) helps because these are stimulants that will make your anxiety and stress worse.
For me, all of these items that go into being healthy help me think better, reason better, hold my emotions in check, solve problems, make proper decisions, and deal with others in a more effective manner.
When it comes right down to it, a healthy lifestyle increases the effectiveness of my intuition — the instinctive knowledge and feelings I possess. My quick perception of truth without conscious attention or reasoning (my intuition) works better, and it is precisely what is important and needed in times of anxiety and stress. It becomes my best guide.
In addition to adding tools to your toolbox, and developing a healthy lifestyle, the next most-important coping skill is to have a stable support network in place. You must have people you can rely on when you experience stress and anxiety. It is amazing how helpful it can be to be able to talk to someone who understands your situation. Join a support group. There are many of them online. It isn’t just about talking with others alone, it is also about learning about other coping techniques from those who have used them and can recommend them.
There are some additional strategies such as developing positive self-talk, like “I can do this,” or, “I am a winner,” to counter the negative self-talk that takes place in times of stress such as, “I am defeated,” “I can’t do this,” or “I am a loser.”
Another technique is to distract yourself. That is, turn your attention to other things such as hobbies, recreation, Internet games, or something that will take your attention off what is happening at the present time. If you can get involved in any pleasant activities, you re-focus your attention and push it away from the problem at hand.
Answers to the questions raised in the first paragraph about developing coping skills such as, “What does that mean?” or “Do I have effective coping skills?” or “How can I develop the proper skills so I am prepared to face difficult (stressful, hurtful, or pressure-related) situations?” “How can I handle life’s challenges in the most effective way?” should be clear now. Much of what you can do must take place early — planning ahead. The more skills you have in place and the more you have used before (so they are habitual or automatic), the easier it will be to handle life’s challenges.
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At the AlzheimerEurope, “Developing Coping Strategies: Taking Care of Yourself,” offers methods for dealing dementia; however, the ten ways for developing a positive attitude and nine ways for building coping strategies apply to challenging situations across the board.
At Natural Anxiety Relief, the essay, “Develop Coping Strategies Now” (October 15, 2006), by Sylvia Dickens, is a terrific essay that offers a wide variety of practical coping strategies. It is worth a read.
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
When I die
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I don’t think about death. It has really never been on my mind. However, I have had deaths thrust upon me in a variety of ways. I had to identify my father’s body when he died with his boots on teaching a seminar at the University of Michigan while I was a student there. My mother died in a nursing home in California. My mother-in-law died in a Hospice facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan. One of our close friends died of lung cancer at 45 years old, and he never smoked. The main benefactor of the church I attend died, and I went to his funeral. And, with a father-in-law who is 98 years old, death is likely to be thrust upon me once again.
The obvious question is, “You never think of death?”
Well, I don’t like the thought of death, and I do everything I can now so that it is less likely to happen until much later in my life.
What do I do? First, I do not smoke, and anytime I am near a smoker I move away and out of any direct line of smoke. Second-hand smoke can kill you too. Second, I eat between five and ten servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. Third, I engage in vigorous exercise (both body-toning and aerobic) three times each week for over two hours each time. Fourth, I limit my alcohol consumption to one beer per day — and that’s all. Fifth, I watch my weight and remain slim. Sixth, I have reduced most stress from my life. Directing a large, basic, speech-communication course of about 1,000 students per term and over 30 graduate-teaching assistants for 22 years ended more than 15 years ago. That eliminated a great deal of stress.
There are other ways, too, that I try to prolong my life. I take calcium pills, niacin, a multi-vitamin, and fish oil. Before going to bed, I take a pill to keep my cholesterol in check and one to help control my blood pressure. Also, I take one 81-mg aspirin tablet. And that’s not all. I get plenty of sleep, laugh a lot, get my annual flu shot, keep my mind active by learning and being challenged by knowledge and information, look on the bright-side of life, express my feelings as openly and freely as possible, get regular physical examinations, find ways to relax, communicate with my wife often, and, most important of all (to me!), I remain a very happy person.
You might wonder why I go to all this trouble to prolong my life? What will be, will be. It was Woody Allen who once quipped, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.” That’s my philosophy as well.
Catherine Morgan, in her essay, “How to Live Longer: Could Four Tips Prolong Your Life” (January 07, 2008), at BlogHer.com, writes, “There is no question that most of our lifestyle choices are what will determine whether we age in good physical and mental health or fall prey to sickness and disability. Although it may be a cliché, moderation is the key in everything. . . .”
But all of the information above doesn’t address the title of this essay: “When I die.” It’s important that my death not be a big event. All there is at one’s death is the end of life. There is nothing more. And everything that one has done during life can be celebrated, honored, and noted — but nothing more. It should be simple, to the point, and with no extraordinary flourishes of any kind. What has been is over, and there is no “what is to be.”
I think that an important question to ask, and one I have often considered, is, “Did he [or she] leave this a better place because he [or she] lived?” (To play Bill Gaither’s hymn, “Because he lives,” at my funeral with the special notation that “he” refers to me and to nothing more, would work well. I fully realize that the lyrics of the hymn, “God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus; He came to love, heal and forgive; He lived and died to buy my pardon, ...” belies my intent; however, I love the song!)
I need to mention, too, that I want Henry J. van Dyke’s 1907 hymn, “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee,” (to the tune of the 9th Symphony of Ludwig van Beethoven; adapted by Edward Hodges in 1824) played as well. Although it has the same problems (for me!) as “Because He Lives,” I like the song because it promotes trust and joy and hope.
One thing that many who plan for their own death forget is the effect it will have on others — family, friends, and concerned others. Our death is likely to make a big difference in the lives of others, and as much as I would like control over what happens when I die, I have to be respectful and considerate of my family and friends. I will offer my suggestions; they will do as they please. After all, I’ll be dead.
Okay, when I die I want it simple, as I have stated. I want the funeral and any tributes that take place to be short. I would rather emphasize the social part, the “getting together” part, the fun part. That is, I would prefer it to be a celebration of my life rather than a morbid, dismal, somber, and miserable experience of my passing. I want the people attending to have a good experience. It’s the “a good time was had by all” theme that needs to prevail.
I have often found that funerals can be loud and noisy, because a lot of the people in attendance haven’t seen one another in a long time. This is a chance to meet, greet, renew old times and acquaintances, share stories, and have a good time. Anything — and I mean anything — that disrupts, inhibits, or in any way restricts or prohibits the joyous celebration must be eliminated. In my death, I want there to be life — joy!
I want to donate my body to medical science. Any organs or body parts that can be harvested and used for others let it happen. If any part of my body can be used to promote medical care or treatment, assist in science, scientific exploration, or scientific discovery, or otherwise be used to contribute to humankind’s future prosperity and wellness, then it should be done. It is my final, positive, parting gesture that can make a difference in others’ lives and maybe, too, to medical science — a reverse template (or mirror) for the way I lived my life.
Also, I do not believe that family finances should contribute to the support of local funeral directors or parlors. I want the entire death experience to be as inexpensive (cheap!) as possible — no frills or flourishes as mentioned above. That is, I do not want a casket. No open casket for me! I want to be cremated, and if anybody wants an urn to be present at the funeral, that’s fine, but nothing more is necessary. And I do not want my ashes scattered anywhere. To me, that is a waste of human time, energy, and money. Hey, I’m dead! What do I care? What difference does it make? What real purpose does it serve? Of course, there need be no ashes.
My life is what it is, and that’s it. I was thinking as I wrote this essay, what would I want written on my gravestone? Then I thought, no, there will be no tombstone. Remember: cheap! On the post-it-note attached to the urn that holds my ashes — and there doesn’t even need to be an urn, for heaven’s sake! — it can say in small print: “He left this a better place.” Without an urn, put the note on the lower left (not on the right!) of the bathroom mirror, or write it with your finger in the thin layer of dust on the mantle!
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At the web site Ask Men: Health and Sports, the essay, “6 Healthy Habits For Living Longer,” suggests: 1) Always opt for exercise, 2) eat a healthy breakfast, 3) get enough sleep, 4) brush and floss daily, 5) stay in touch with friends, and 6) stay hydrated.
At Healthy Holistic Living, Michelle Toole has an essay, “Journey to Healthy Living through Holistic Health,” which offers useful, practical information that is just a preface to a much longer essay, “Benefits of Living Healthy: My Journey,” that is a delightful and helpful exploration. She offers a hyperlink to assist readers in moving from the first to the second essay.
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
I don’t think about death. It has really never been on my mind. However, I have had deaths thrust upon me in a variety of ways. I had to identify my father’s body when he died with his boots on teaching a seminar at the University of Michigan while I was a student there. My mother died in a nursing home in California. My mother-in-law died in a Hospice facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan. One of our close friends died of lung cancer at 45 years old, and he never smoked. The main benefactor of the church I attend died, and I went to his funeral. And, with a father-in-law who is 98 years old, death is likely to be thrust upon me once again.
The obvious question is, “You never think of death?”
Well, I don’t like the thought of death, and I do everything I can now so that it is less likely to happen until much later in my life.
What do I do? First, I do not smoke, and anytime I am near a smoker I move away and out of any direct line of smoke. Second-hand smoke can kill you too. Second, I eat between five and ten servings of fresh fruits and vegetables every day. Third, I engage in vigorous exercise (both body-toning and aerobic) three times each week for over two hours each time. Fourth, I limit my alcohol consumption to one beer per day — and that’s all. Fifth, I watch my weight and remain slim. Sixth, I have reduced most stress from my life. Directing a large, basic, speech-communication course of about 1,000 students per term and over 30 graduate-teaching assistants for 22 years ended more than 15 years ago. That eliminated a great deal of stress.
There are other ways, too, that I try to prolong my life. I take calcium pills, niacin, a multi-vitamin, and fish oil. Before going to bed, I take a pill to keep my cholesterol in check and one to help control my blood pressure. Also, I take one 81-mg aspirin tablet. And that’s not all. I get plenty of sleep, laugh a lot, get my annual flu shot, keep my mind active by learning and being challenged by knowledge and information, look on the bright-side of life, express my feelings as openly and freely as possible, get regular physical examinations, find ways to relax, communicate with my wife often, and, most important of all (to me!), I remain a very happy person.
You might wonder why I go to all this trouble to prolong my life? What will be, will be. It was Woody Allen who once quipped, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.” That’s my philosophy as well.
Catherine Morgan, in her essay, “How to Live Longer: Could Four Tips Prolong Your Life” (January 07, 2008), at BlogHer.com, writes, “There is no question that most of our lifestyle choices are what will determine whether we age in good physical and mental health or fall prey to sickness and disability. Although it may be a cliché, moderation is the key in everything. . . .”
But all of the information above doesn’t address the title of this essay: “When I die.” It’s important that my death not be a big event. All there is at one’s death is the end of life. There is nothing more. And everything that one has done during life can be celebrated, honored, and noted — but nothing more. It should be simple, to the point, and with no extraordinary flourishes of any kind. What has been is over, and there is no “what is to be.”
I think that an important question to ask, and one I have often considered, is, “Did he [or she] leave this a better place because he [or she] lived?” (To play Bill Gaither’s hymn, “Because he lives,” at my funeral with the special notation that “he” refers to me and to nothing more, would work well. I fully realize that the lyrics of the hymn, “God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus; He came to love, heal and forgive; He lived and died to buy my pardon, ...” belies my intent; however, I love the song!)
I need to mention, too, that I want Henry J. van Dyke’s 1907 hymn, “Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee,” (to the tune of the 9th Symphony of Ludwig van Beethoven; adapted by Edward Hodges in 1824) played as well. Although it has the same problems (for me!) as “Because He Lives,” I like the song because it promotes trust and joy and hope.
One thing that many who plan for their own death forget is the effect it will have on others — family, friends, and concerned others. Our death is likely to make a big difference in the lives of others, and as much as I would like control over what happens when I die, I have to be respectful and considerate of my family and friends. I will offer my suggestions; they will do as they please. After all, I’ll be dead.
Okay, when I die I want it simple, as I have stated. I want the funeral and any tributes that take place to be short. I would rather emphasize the social part, the “getting together” part, the fun part. That is, I would prefer it to be a celebration of my life rather than a morbid, dismal, somber, and miserable experience of my passing. I want the people attending to have a good experience. It’s the “a good time was had by all” theme that needs to prevail.
I have often found that funerals can be loud and noisy, because a lot of the people in attendance haven’t seen one another in a long time. This is a chance to meet, greet, renew old times and acquaintances, share stories, and have a good time. Anything — and I mean anything — that disrupts, inhibits, or in any way restricts or prohibits the joyous celebration must be eliminated. In my death, I want there to be life — joy!
I want to donate my body to medical science. Any organs or body parts that can be harvested and used for others let it happen. If any part of my body can be used to promote medical care or treatment, assist in science, scientific exploration, or scientific discovery, or otherwise be used to contribute to humankind’s future prosperity and wellness, then it should be done. It is my final, positive, parting gesture that can make a difference in others’ lives and maybe, too, to medical science — a reverse template (or mirror) for the way I lived my life.
Also, I do not believe that family finances should contribute to the support of local funeral directors or parlors. I want the entire death experience to be as inexpensive (cheap!) as possible — no frills or flourishes as mentioned above. That is, I do not want a casket. No open casket for me! I want to be cremated, and if anybody wants an urn to be present at the funeral, that’s fine, but nothing more is necessary. And I do not want my ashes scattered anywhere. To me, that is a waste of human time, energy, and money. Hey, I’m dead! What do I care? What difference does it make? What real purpose does it serve? Of course, there need be no ashes.
My life is what it is, and that’s it. I was thinking as I wrote this essay, what would I want written on my gravestone? Then I thought, no, there will be no tombstone. Remember: cheap! On the post-it-note attached to the urn that holds my ashes — and there doesn’t even need to be an urn, for heaven’s sake! — it can say in small print: “He left this a better place.” Without an urn, put the note on the lower left (not on the right!) of the bathroom mirror, or write it with your finger in the thin layer of dust on the mantle!
- - - - - - - -
At the web site Ask Men: Health and Sports, the essay, “6 Healthy Habits For Living Longer,” suggests: 1) Always opt for exercise, 2) eat a healthy breakfast, 3) get enough sleep, 4) brush and floss daily, 5) stay in touch with friends, and 6) stay hydrated.
At Healthy Holistic Living, Michelle Toole has an essay, “Journey to Healthy Living through Holistic Health,” which offers useful, practical information that is just a preface to a much longer essay, “Benefits of Living Healthy: My Journey,” that is a delightful and helpful exploration. She offers a hyperlink to assist readers in moving from the first to the second essay.
- - - - - - -
Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Dealing with death
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
This is an uncomfortable topic simply because it is seldom discussed, and, too, because it affects people in different ways at different times during their lives. You may think you deal with it the same way each time it affects your life, but that is unlikely to be true. Every response is different depending on their relationship to you. There are so many variables involved: how close the person was to you, your own health, happiness, and security, and how many other tragedies or traumas you are having to deal with at the time. That isn’t the end either. How did the person die? What are the circumstances surrounding the event? Where is the funeral (and viewing) to be held? Who will be (should be?) invited? And many more questions, too.
I did not see my father die; however, I was asked out of class at the University of Michigan and called to identify his dead body. Now, I admit I was not close to my father, so this was not as traumatic for me as it could have been — and, honestly, it took me little time at all to get over his death.
When my mother died she was in California, and I was in Ohio, so there was a great physical distance between us. Although we had had regular weekly calls to keep in touch, even the number of those calls had diminished in her last several years. She was over 90-years-old, and had chosen to die by not eating. Although I had been close to her throughout my life, I had grown away from her (somewhat) because of the many years of physical distance; thus, her death was, in a sense, a reward for a life well lived and success in what she wanted.
My wife’s mother died, and it was a major, significant occurrence, but we knew she was ready to accept it. Her physical disabilities were great (and getting worse), and she, like my mother, had lived a terrific, fulfilled life. There is seldom a “right” time to die, but it is true that some times are better than others.
There is a strange irony in dealing with death. It is explained at Healthy Place: America’s Mental Health Channel in an essay, “Helping yourself and others deal with death.” The essay says: “Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse.” So, it’s hard to deal with it alone, but others can’t help for fear of making it worse.
The older I get, the more fragile I see how life is. That is, I have noticed our whole world is fragile when you consider how many factors have to be exactly right (distance from the sun, proper atmosphere, available water supply, etc.) for life on earth to be sustained. What occurred in Japan in March, 2011, by the earthquake and resulting tsunami, forces us to acknowledge this realization once again. Look how many people died in the blink of an eyelash — and these lives could not be saved.
There is little I can do to prevent these horrendous occurrences and, in the same way, there is little I can do to prevent the death of those around me. All I can do — and it is a small thing — is protect my own life, and to the extent I am capable — protect the lives of those closest to me. To stay in good health myself is an important factor in this.
Here, then, is what I have learned about dealing with death. First, I have found that more is learned about dealing with death through experience than through preparation. Just because you have lived a happy, healthy life, does not mean you are prepared to deal with death. The best way to recover from the death of a person close to you is just to take your time. Persevere. Your willingness to continue on will help you get through it (time heals — but it doesn’t always heal completely!) — in addition, of course, to the support and understanding of those around you.
Second, there is no “correct” time for grieving or for healing. It is different for different people, and it is different under different circumstances. There is no “proper” amount of time. There will be times of stress and difficulty as one encounters birthdays, anniversaries, and other ceremonial occasions. But, as the essay at the Mental Health Channel website (referred to above) says: “The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind.” The more that one can return to working the more help they will get for working through the grief.
Third, I have discovered that my memory tends to raise up the good and diminish the bad. That is, I have found that the memories I have of those close to me who have died, are good memories and need to be remembered and appreciated. At the Mental Health Channel website, it says, “In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories.”
Fourth, and finally, the best way to deal with death is to share your experiences with others — especially those who are accepting, empathic, and patient. Most of the funerals I have attended are actually celebrations. That is, it is a chance for the people attending — many of whom who have not seen each other in a long time — to enjoy the camaraderie and share the time together in an exuberant, enthusiastic manner. Sure, there is a certain sadness in the event, but that grief should not destroy or undermine the chance to engage, support, and take pleasure in others. Funerals may have their maudlin moments, but they do not need to consist entirely of overemotional, tearful, and sentimental expressions.
Each time I hear about the death of someone I knew (whether I knew them well or not) — Ken Knitt, Armand King, Dan Camp, Milton Bennett, Richard Wilbourne (to name just a few) — I am reminded of a quote from Aeschylus: “There's nothing certain in a man's life except this: That he must lose it.”
I once heard an apt quotation on the television show Roseanne : “If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.” Norman Cousins had a slightly different twist on a similar thought: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Do I think about death? Seldom. Do I want to die? No. I am indebted to the deep thinking, popular American philosopher, Doris Day (he says with tongue firmly planted in cheek!), who said, “The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.” But most of all, I love the quotation attributed to R. Geis, “I wouldn't mind dying,” he says, “it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.”
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A short essay, Dealing with death: How to find peace,” by Piper Cox at EzineArticles is both helpful and insightful. The last part of her first paragraph reads, “Death is a difficult thing to work through. It leaves you feeling so empty and alone. But there are ways that you can find peace after the death of a loved one.”
At LifeInsure.com, the essay there, “Dealing with Grief; There is Life After Death,” offers seven discussion points: 1) Shock and denial, 2) Pain and guilt, 3) anger and bargaining, 4) depression, reflection, loneliness, 5) the upward turn, 6) reconstruction and working through, and 7) acceptance and hope. There is some valuable information here.
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
This is an uncomfortable topic simply because it is seldom discussed, and, too, because it affects people in different ways at different times during their lives. You may think you deal with it the same way each time it affects your life, but that is unlikely to be true. Every response is different depending on their relationship to you. There are so many variables involved: how close the person was to you, your own health, happiness, and security, and how many other tragedies or traumas you are having to deal with at the time. That isn’t the end either. How did the person die? What are the circumstances surrounding the event? Where is the funeral (and viewing) to be held? Who will be (should be?) invited? And many more questions, too.
I did not see my father die; however, I was asked out of class at the University of Michigan and called to identify his dead body. Now, I admit I was not close to my father, so this was not as traumatic for me as it could have been — and, honestly, it took me little time at all to get over his death.
When my mother died she was in California, and I was in Ohio, so there was a great physical distance between us. Although we had had regular weekly calls to keep in touch, even the number of those calls had diminished in her last several years. She was over 90-years-old, and had chosen to die by not eating. Although I had been close to her throughout my life, I had grown away from her (somewhat) because of the many years of physical distance; thus, her death was, in a sense, a reward for a life well lived and success in what she wanted.
My wife’s mother died, and it was a major, significant occurrence, but we knew she was ready to accept it. Her physical disabilities were great (and getting worse), and she, like my mother, had lived a terrific, fulfilled life. There is seldom a “right” time to die, but it is true that some times are better than others.
There is a strange irony in dealing with death. It is explained at Healthy Place: America’s Mental Health Channel in an essay, “Helping yourself and others deal with death.” The essay says: “Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse.” So, it’s hard to deal with it alone, but others can’t help for fear of making it worse.
The older I get, the more fragile I see how life is. That is, I have noticed our whole world is fragile when you consider how many factors have to be exactly right (distance from the sun, proper atmosphere, available water supply, etc.) for life on earth to be sustained. What occurred in Japan in March, 2011, by the earthquake and resulting tsunami, forces us to acknowledge this realization once again. Look how many people died in the blink of an eyelash — and these lives could not be saved.
There is little I can do to prevent these horrendous occurrences and, in the same way, there is little I can do to prevent the death of those around me. All I can do — and it is a small thing — is protect my own life, and to the extent I am capable — protect the lives of those closest to me. To stay in good health myself is an important factor in this.
Here, then, is what I have learned about dealing with death. First, I have found that more is learned about dealing with death through experience than through preparation. Just because you have lived a happy, healthy life, does not mean you are prepared to deal with death. The best way to recover from the death of a person close to you is just to take your time. Persevere. Your willingness to continue on will help you get through it (time heals — but it doesn’t always heal completely!) — in addition, of course, to the support and understanding of those around you.
Second, there is no “correct” time for grieving or for healing. It is different for different people, and it is different under different circumstances. There is no “proper” amount of time. There will be times of stress and difficulty as one encounters birthdays, anniversaries, and other ceremonial occasions. But, as the essay at the Mental Health Channel website (referred to above) says: “The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind.” The more that one can return to working the more help they will get for working through the grief.
Third, I have discovered that my memory tends to raise up the good and diminish the bad. That is, I have found that the memories I have of those close to me who have died, are good memories and need to be remembered and appreciated. At the Mental Health Channel website, it says, “In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories.”
Fourth, and finally, the best way to deal with death is to share your experiences with others — especially those who are accepting, empathic, and patient. Most of the funerals I have attended are actually celebrations. That is, it is a chance for the people attending — many of whom who have not seen each other in a long time — to enjoy the camaraderie and share the time together in an exuberant, enthusiastic manner. Sure, there is a certain sadness in the event, but that grief should not destroy or undermine the chance to engage, support, and take pleasure in others. Funerals may have their maudlin moments, but they do not need to consist entirely of overemotional, tearful, and sentimental expressions.
Each time I hear about the death of someone I knew (whether I knew them well or not) — Ken Knitt, Armand King, Dan Camp, Milton Bennett, Richard Wilbourne (to name just a few) — I am reminded of a quote from Aeschylus: “There's nothing certain in a man's life except this: That he must lose it.”
I once heard an apt quotation on the television show Roseanne : “If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.” Norman Cousins had a slightly different twist on a similar thought: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Do I think about death? Seldom. Do I want to die? No. I am indebted to the deep thinking, popular American philosopher, Doris Day (he says with tongue firmly planted in cheek!), who said, “The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.” But most of all, I love the quotation attributed to R. Geis, “I wouldn't mind dying,” he says, “it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.”
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A short essay, Dealing with death: How to find peace,” by Piper Cox at EzineArticles is both helpful and insightful. The last part of her first paragraph reads, “Death is a difficult thing to work through. It leaves you feeling so empty and alone. But there are ways that you can find peace after the death of a loved one.”
At LifeInsure.com, the essay there, “Dealing with Grief; There is Life After Death,” offers seven discussion points: 1) Shock and denial, 2) Pain and guilt, 3) anger and bargaining, 4) depression, reflection, loneliness, 5) the upward turn, 6) reconstruction and working through, and 7) acceptance and hope. There is some valuable information here.
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
It’s great being an American
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I have traveled around the world. I have lived in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), visited India, Kashmir, Nepal, the Phillippines, Japan and traveled throughout Southeast Asia, Europe, and the Carribbean. One question that I have received is, “Having seen the world, where would you most like to live?” The answer is Pavlovian (it requires no thought whatsoever): in the United States (US).
For most readers of this essay (and my blog), such a response is probably not surprising, and such a response, too, is likely to be the same. Of course, we all have our reasons, and the reasons may differ, but in the end most people prefer the US to anywhere else in the world.
Evan Thomas, writing in a Newsweek essay in the “Nation” section, “A resilient society: When horror strikes, it’s tempting to think that everything will be different. Why it won’t — And why that’s a blessing” (January 24, 2011), gives as his first defense of the US, the following:
“For all its excesses, America is an extraordinarily stable country. The overlooked consolation of terrible, seemingly earth-shattering events like the slaughter in Tucson is that the country is not forever changed by lunatics with guns or even zealots flying airplanes into buildings. The shock wears off, life goes on, altered somewhat, perhaps, but not fundamentally” (p. 23).
When I lived for 14 months in East Pakistan, it was clear that the country could never be fully democratic like the US. When you experience the ignorance and poverty, you realize the problem. Democracy requires an educated populous. It cannot be sustained without it. And when you have lived in the US for any length of time, you take it (an educated populous) for granted. As venomous and prolonged as campaigns become, and as much as people may dislike election outcomes, still, there is no better system of government on the planet, and whether citizens vote or not, it is their freedom to vote that is of paramount importance.
At the web site, TheHighRoad.com, Dan Flynn, in his essay, “Ten reasons why thinking Americans love their country” (October 28, 2002) lists freedom as his first reason:
“America has shined as a beacon of freedom in an unfree world for more than two centuries. To this day, for instance, most people living outside our borders reside in countries where the private practice of broadcast journalism is illegal and where the state is the dominant banker. Americans can say anything they want, worship any god they choose, and associate with any motley crew around. ”
Another reason for liking the US is medical care. We all know there are differences in accessibility, differences in facilities, and even differences in the quality of medical care one can get. If you have ever been in a foreign country that is poor and seen the medical facilities available to citizens, you will love what we have available to us. An essay writer at the web site foreignborn.com, Deborah Seeber, writes the following in her essay, “Medical Care in the U.S.”:
“Medical care in the United States is generally very high quality. The government closely monitors medically oriented businesses and institutions. Hospitals, clinics, medical schools, and pharmaceutical companies must comply with government standards.
“Doctors, nurses and other medical personnel must be licensed, and becoming a medical specialist frequently entails fifteen years or more of rigorous schooling and training. The high level of technology available in the U.S. contributes to quality care, and the average hospital contains millions of dollars worth of state-of-the-art equipment.”
It is precisely such standards and requirements that provide a foundation of excellence in the US — especially when you compare our system with most others in the world.
At FreeRepublic, the essay, “Twelve reasons to love our country” (December 6, 2010), by William J. Bennett and John T.E. Cribb, offers twelve excellent reasons. Those I find most attractive (excluding those I’ve already discussed, above) are the establishment of equal rights for all citizens, existence of a place where dreams can come true, a place with one of the world’s highest standards of living. Also, it is the world’s leader in scholarship and invention, the world’s greatest marketplace for the free exchange of ideas and information, and it’s home to the most generous people on earth.
I, as I said at the beginning of this essay, have done a great deal of traveling, but I have never experienced the broad range of parks that we have, in any other country. We travel by 5th wheel, and we have camped in numerous state and national parks — across the south, out west, and across the north, too. The facilities, good drinking water, and opportunities for campers are outstanding, to say the least.
Even Thomas, who I cited at the beginning of this essay, ends his Newsweek essay by saying:
“The United States has highly functioning governments that provide services and security and a court system that metes out justice. Maybe we shouldn’t just take it for granted that the government check is in the mail, that your sons and daughters cannot be drafted, that the police cannot barge in without a search warrant, that you can sue your neighbors, and that all those talking heads — and you on the Internet — can say almost anything you want, thanks to the First Amendment. Maybe we should be grateful.
It was Evan Thomas who sparked this essay, and I am indebted to him for electrifying my senses. Too often, I’m afraid, we take all that we have available to us for granted. If you, as a reader of this essay, has never traveled abroad and, thus, have no comparison regarding what we have available to us, you may not completely understand my passion. On the other hand, you may not want to travel outside the US at all simply because you like what we have here! — you already have passion! We have a great country, and it’s great to be an American!
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At NaturalNews.com, Mike Adams has written a terrific essay, “Why America is still a great place to live: thirteen things I love about this country” (September 7, 2005), and Adams gives readers the following reasons: 1) the heart of the American people, 2) freedom of speech, 3) cultural diversity, 4) emergency rooms and health care, 5) the health food industry, 6) food labeling requirements, 7) creative expression and Hollywood, 8) the free market, 9) signage, 10) inventiveness, 11) national parks, 12) grass roots activism, and 13) better treatment of animals. He ends is essay discussing “Things that Need Improvement.”
At CelebrateLove.com, Dinesh D’Souza, the Rishwain Fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University, writes: “10 Great Reasons to. . . C e l e b r a t e A m e r i c a !” (July 4, 2002). The reason this is a great essay is that D’Souza is a foreigner writing about our country, and his theme is simple and needs to be heard: "America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. American life as it is lived today [is] the best life that our world has to offer."
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
I have traveled around the world. I have lived in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), visited India, Kashmir, Nepal, the Phillippines, Japan and traveled throughout Southeast Asia, Europe, and the Carribbean. One question that I have received is, “Having seen the world, where would you most like to live?” The answer is Pavlovian (it requires no thought whatsoever): in the United States (US).
For most readers of this essay (and my blog), such a response is probably not surprising, and such a response, too, is likely to be the same. Of course, we all have our reasons, and the reasons may differ, but in the end most people prefer the US to anywhere else in the world.
Evan Thomas, writing in a Newsweek essay in the “Nation” section, “A resilient society: When horror strikes, it’s tempting to think that everything will be different. Why it won’t — And why that’s a blessing” (January 24, 2011), gives as his first defense of the US, the following:
“For all its excesses, America is an extraordinarily stable country. The overlooked consolation of terrible, seemingly earth-shattering events like the slaughter in Tucson is that the country is not forever changed by lunatics with guns or even zealots flying airplanes into buildings. The shock wears off, life goes on, altered somewhat, perhaps, but not fundamentally” (p. 23).
When I lived for 14 months in East Pakistan, it was clear that the country could never be fully democratic like the US. When you experience the ignorance and poverty, you realize the problem. Democracy requires an educated populous. It cannot be sustained without it. And when you have lived in the US for any length of time, you take it (an educated populous) for granted. As venomous and prolonged as campaigns become, and as much as people may dislike election outcomes, still, there is no better system of government on the planet, and whether citizens vote or not, it is their freedom to vote that is of paramount importance.
At the web site, TheHighRoad.com, Dan Flynn, in his essay, “Ten reasons why thinking Americans love their country” (October 28, 2002) lists freedom as his first reason:
“America has shined as a beacon of freedom in an unfree world for more than two centuries. To this day, for instance, most people living outside our borders reside in countries where the private practice of broadcast journalism is illegal and where the state is the dominant banker. Americans can say anything they want, worship any god they choose, and associate with any motley crew around. ”
Another reason for liking the US is medical care. We all know there are differences in accessibility, differences in facilities, and even differences in the quality of medical care one can get. If you have ever been in a foreign country that is poor and seen the medical facilities available to citizens, you will love what we have available to us. An essay writer at the web site foreignborn.com, Deborah Seeber, writes the following in her essay, “Medical Care in the U.S.”:
“Medical care in the United States is generally very high quality. The government closely monitors medically oriented businesses and institutions. Hospitals, clinics, medical schools, and pharmaceutical companies must comply with government standards.
“Doctors, nurses and other medical personnel must be licensed, and becoming a medical specialist frequently entails fifteen years or more of rigorous schooling and training. The high level of technology available in the U.S. contributes to quality care, and the average hospital contains millions of dollars worth of state-of-the-art equipment.”
It is precisely such standards and requirements that provide a foundation of excellence in the US — especially when you compare our system with most others in the world.
At FreeRepublic, the essay, “Twelve reasons to love our country” (December 6, 2010), by William J. Bennett and John T.E. Cribb, offers twelve excellent reasons. Those I find most attractive (excluding those I’ve already discussed, above) are the establishment of equal rights for all citizens, existence of a place where dreams can come true, a place with one of the world’s highest standards of living. Also, it is the world’s leader in scholarship and invention, the world’s greatest marketplace for the free exchange of ideas and information, and it’s home to the most generous people on earth.
I, as I said at the beginning of this essay, have done a great deal of traveling, but I have never experienced the broad range of parks that we have, in any other country. We travel by 5th wheel, and we have camped in numerous state and national parks — across the south, out west, and across the north, too. The facilities, good drinking water, and opportunities for campers are outstanding, to say the least.
Even Thomas, who I cited at the beginning of this essay, ends his Newsweek essay by saying:
“The United States has highly functioning governments that provide services and security and a court system that metes out justice. Maybe we shouldn’t just take it for granted that the government check is in the mail, that your sons and daughters cannot be drafted, that the police cannot barge in without a search warrant, that you can sue your neighbors, and that all those talking heads — and you on the Internet — can say almost anything you want, thanks to the First Amendment. Maybe we should be grateful.
It was Evan Thomas who sparked this essay, and I am indebted to him for electrifying my senses. Too often, I’m afraid, we take all that we have available to us for granted. If you, as a reader of this essay, has never traveled abroad and, thus, have no comparison regarding what we have available to us, you may not completely understand my passion. On the other hand, you may not want to travel outside the US at all simply because you like what we have here! — you already have passion! We have a great country, and it’s great to be an American!
- - - - - - -
At NaturalNews.com, Mike Adams has written a terrific essay, “Why America is still a great place to live: thirteen things I love about this country” (September 7, 2005), and Adams gives readers the following reasons: 1) the heart of the American people, 2) freedom of speech, 3) cultural diversity, 4) emergency rooms and health care, 5) the health food industry, 6) food labeling requirements, 7) creative expression and Hollywood, 8) the free market, 9) signage, 10) inventiveness, 11) national parks, 12) grass roots activism, and 13) better treatment of animals. He ends is essay discussing “Things that Need Improvement.”
At CelebrateLove.com, Dinesh D’Souza, the Rishwain Fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University, writes: “10 Great Reasons to. . . C e l e b r a t e A m e r i c a !” (July 4, 2002). The reason this is a great essay is that D’Souza is a foreigner writing about our country, and his theme is simple and needs to be heard: "America is the greatest, freest, and most decent society in existence. American life as it is lived today [is] the best life that our world has to offer."
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Copyright July, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
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