by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
As I looked at the political picture in the U.S. today, I thought of a quotation by Margaret J. Wheatley that so accurately captured the situation: “In our daily life,” she wrote, “we encounter people who are angry, deceitful, intent only on satisfying their own needs. There is so much anger, distrust, greed, and pettiness that we are losing our capacity to work well together.” It's embarrassing to admit that we harbor pettiness in our lives, but the fact is that most of us do.
Throughout my college-teaching career, I tried to combat pettiness. For example, it is common knowledge (and frequently illustrated) that we tell books by their covers. And, too, we often judge a speaker more by his or her delivery than by the substance of the speech. As much as I would list and thoroughly discuss each of the essential elements — outside of the area of delivery — and emphasize the importance of making decisions of worth based on content, one could never dismiss (and should not!) the role that delivery plays in a speech performance. But when one weighs one against the other (content versus delivery), the problem is simply that delivery often weighs in at 90-100% of the judgment.
I guess it can’t be helped. Our whole society seems consumed by pettiness. When celebrity glamor rules the media and people spend their time watching reality shows and the silly antics of people testing their “skills” for a camera, it appears inevitable that pettiness would dominate. Look at the preoccupations of many of the youth today. Spending time playing games or texting others reveals a great deal of pettiness and demonstrates how it dominates our lives. And this youthful model is what sets the stage for a lifetime of pettiness.
Pettiness occurs at all levels of our society. Look at this quotation from the Chronicle of Higher Education , (August 26, 2009) from an article, “On Hiring: Searching for Pettiness,” by Gene C. Fant Jr.: “Obviously, there are professional parameters for business communications, especially in searches, but my point is really that there is a certain level of pettiness that can creep into the selection process, especially when applicants are very numerous. At previous institutions and in my professional network, I’ve heard no’s generated by paper-weight choices (‘lightweight paper makes for lightweight applicants’), by conference-presentation titles (“if it has a colon in it, it must be full of feces”), and even by names (‘I couldn’t work with someone with a name that close to a person from my past whom I hate’).”
I ask you now, aren’t these the most petty reasons for rejecting a candidate?
When I listen to my 98-year-old father-in-law and hear some of the reasons why he holds a grudge against a popular television newsreader, doesn’t like a particular politician, or fails to appreciate an actor or actress because of a “fatal [petty] flaw.” I realize how pettiness can reside in people forever. The French writer Andre Maurois said, “Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year's time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”
You might think this essay on pettiness would offer readers ways to overcome it, suggestions for dealing with it, or steps to take to reduce it. No, I don’t think it can be helped. We are a petty society led by petty politicians, petty news media, and an entire entertainment industry that caters to, dotes on, and proclaims pettiness through its reports, programs, and productions. How in the world could all of that be reduced or made manageable?
I think the most important consideration of all is simply to understand it. Whether we like it or not, other people will be petty. So often, understanding it helps put it into perspective: “Oh, that’s Edgar being petty again.” You hear it; you understand it; you accept it; and you dismiss it.
Nobody wants to be petty, but everyone is.
There are, it’s true, several ways each of us has to try to control (rein in!) our own pettiness. For example, I thought this quotation from the website, inspiration-for-singles.com is especially poignant and carries a great deal of wisdom: “When small-mindedness creeps into our lives, it's usually a gradual process. Overcoming it is a gradual process, too. I've found that building and maintaining my self-esteem is a lifelong job. When I battle pettiness in myself, I try to remember the Golden Rule: I don't like it when people are nasty to me, so I shouldn't be nasty to others.
“It's a challenge to be pleasant and cheerful when you don't feel well or when you've just suffered some tragedy or defeat in your life. But it's always wise to think very carefully before you lash out.”
I have discovered an amazing elixir — a potion intended to cure one's pettiness — and that is work. That is, I have found that when I pour myself into my work with focus, deep penetration, and perseverance, I do not have the time, interest, or need to be petty. And, although this is certainly not universally true, pettiness is for lightweights — the unintellectual, undemanding, insubstantial, shallow people. You see, I use such an internal pronouncement — knowing that it is not universally true! — to convince myself I do not qualify to be among those who want to be petty. It helps keep me above the fray, and when I dip down, as a bird diving to retrieve an insect, I remind myself of this pronouncement, and it helps me regain altitude.
Along with this pronouncement, I have discovered, too, compassion. Petty people are unlikely to change — ever! And although it is tough at times, I have the need to summon the courage to respond to pettiness and petty people with its antidote — compassion. I try to find ways to wish them good will, or, as is more often the case, to avoid them altogether.
“Those who occupy their minds with small matters,” said Francois de La Rochefoucauld, “generally become incapable of greatness.” Although I am not seeking greatness, nor will I ever, such a quote offers some sanity in this world of pettiness. I don’t get involved with it, I don’t try to change others, and I don’t lower myself to their level. If you see pettiness of any kind, do as I do, smile, understand it, appreciate it for the pettiness that it is, and go on with your life. It was Winston Churchill who said, “Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense”
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At the website, EzineArticles.com, the essay by Michael Arthur Moore, “Mean Spirited and Petty People - How to Deal With Them Effectively,” at least five specific suggestions. This essay is definitely worth reading. His final paragraph reads: “Happiness is up to each and every one of us. We control our surroundings for the most part. Taking personal responsibility for your actions is the road to happiness.”
The essay, “How to deal with difficult people,” at SelfGrowth.com offers seven terrific suggestions. After making her suggestions, Brenda concludes her essay saying: “Without a doubt, there will be difficult people who appear upon your path. It is your choice how you wish to deal with them. Hopefully, I have provided a guide to help you make choices that work for you.”
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Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
When I cook popcorn over the stove (Heart-healthy habits)
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It was an essay by Nanci Hellmich in the “Your Life” section of USA Today (March 15, 2011, pg. 3D), titled, “Doctor’s orders for himself: Even for a neurologist, adopting heart-healthy habits is a challenge,” that prompted this essay, and if the doctor’s [Ralph Sacco, president of the American Heart Association, a neurologist and chairman of the department of neurology at Miller School of Medicine at the University of Miami] habits contribute to anyone else’s change of behaviors, then this essay has made a significant contribution. Hellmich’s essay, obviously, had a powerful influence on me.What specifically prompted me to write this essay is how closely my daily habits mirror Sacco’s habits. It is always refreshing to find an essay like this that reinforces all that one does, and continues to do, to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
I agree with Sacco. “He knows he needs to maintain a healthy weight, exercise regularly, keep his salt and sugar intake in check and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables, as well as seafood,” writes Hellmich. It is a daily regimen that I follow religiously, and one of the common problems is that it is easy to give lip-service to these procedures, or to follow them only when being watched or observed, but actually taking action on them and being persistent and consistent is the challenge that is part of the subtitle of this essay.
Although Sacco admits to falling short of living a perfect heart-healthy life, he says that, at the age of 53, he is doing his best.
Just as Sacco, I have a family history of heart disease — fortunately, no strokes of which I am aware. My father died suddenly, without warning, of a heart attack. Although he was diabetic, the diabeties was not severe. Sacco’s situation was worse with a mother and grandmother dying of heart disease and a grandfather having of a stroke.
“Sacco’s blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar are a little too high,” writes Hellmich, and to “reduce his risk of heart attack or stroke, he is trying to” do the very same things that I do on a regular basis.
Sacco’s weight, for his 5-foot-6-frame was reduced from 187 to 170 pounds. My weight was never in the mid-eighties, but for my 5-foot-9 1/2-frame, I try to maintain my weight at 170-175 pounds — just about 10 pounds over what it was when I graduated from college. The key, I have found, is in self-control. I just have to say “No” to things that will put on weight.
Sacco exercises regularly as I do. The heart association’s physical activity guidelines, writes Hellmich, are “at least 150 minutes of moderate intensity or 75 minutes of vigorous intensity each week.” Whereas Sacco admits, “I wasn’t as religious about exercise as I should have been,” I have been religious. I do 270 minutes each week of strength-building and body toning before doing approximately 180 minutes each week of jogging (vigorous intensity), and I’ve been doing it for over 30 years.
Sacco loves fruits and vegetables as I do, and I meet the daily recommendation of four to six cups on a daily basis. I try to have at least 10 different fresh fruits and vegetables for lunch in addition to orange juice and half-a-banana at breakfast and at least one vegetable (usually two) for dinner.
Sacco’s goal “is to have two or more servings (about 3 ½ ounces each) of fish a week,” writes Hellmich. My wife and I have fish at least once a week — usually on Wednesdays when she gets it fresh from the supermarket on her shopping day. (Seniors receive a 5% discount on groceries every Wednesday).
Also, just like Sacco, I use olive oil, avoid butter, stick margarine, and any other hard fats. For grilling a sandwich, I use Benecol (“[it] is the only range of foods to contain Plant Stanol Ester, a unique cholesterol lowering ingredient”) accompany my single beer in the evening), I use only canola oil and just a small amount of popcorn salt when I cook my popcorn over the stove. Otherwise, I use no salt or sugar of any kind at any time.
Sacco, just as I do on a regular basis, “doesn’t add any salt to his food or use it when cooking, but he knows,” writes Hellmich, “most sodium comes from processed foods, and he does eat some of those.” The problem Sacco has, like the problems most Americans have today, is that he “eats out a lot, and you often ‘can’t control what the cook is putting on your dinner.’”
“Although [Sacco] tries to consume below 1,500 milligrams of sodium a day, the amount recommended by his group, he doesn’t believe he’s meeting that goal,” writes Hellmich.
Sacco, writes Hellmich, is “trying to reduce his sugar intake by cutting back on desserts and having fruit instead. The heart association,” she continues, “says that a high intake of added sugars increases the risk of obesity, high blood pressure and other risk factors for heart disease and stroke.” What I have done is to drink my coffee black, have just a cookie or two at lunch, and have no dessert for dinner at all. I drink no soft drinks on a regular basis, whether sugared, diet, or zero calories. The way to avoid sugar is fairly easy — don’t just cut back on desserts, but avoid them altogether, and stop putting additional sugar on cereal, in coffee, or in anything else.
Finally, Sacco, takes some supplements and medications. Just as I do, “[Sacco] takes a daily multivitamin that has omega-3 fatty acids in it. He takes,” Hellmich continues, “a low dose of a statin because his total cholesterol is 240 [close to what my cholesterol used to be], which is a bit too high, and because he has a family history of heart disease. His good cholesterol,” writes Hellmich, “is too low, so he has been considering taking a niacin supplement [just as I do]. “He also takes a baby aspirin daily to help prevent heart attacks. It’s advised,” Hellmich continues, “for people over age 50 with a family history of heart disease.” I take a baby aspirin daily.
This was Hellmich’s entire essay. There was nothing more. What was amazing to me, after I read her essay, was that I am currently doing (and have been doing for more than 30 years) all that I can do to prevent heart attacks and strokes — according to Sacco and what Hellmich has written. Sure, there is no guarantee just as there are no guarantees in life, but it certainly adds to your security, self-confidence, and composure knowing that you have adopted and are following heart-healthy habits.
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At the ehowHealth website there are nine suggestions offered in the essay, “How to develop heart-healthy habits.” Most of the suggestions (but not all of them!) are the same as those discussed in the essay above. “Learn to control stress,” and “stop smoking” are the two suggestions not mentioned above.
At WebMD, Dulce Zamora has written a fabulous essay, “13 Healthy Habits to Improve Your Life: Disregard them, and you may well be taking a big gamble with your mental and emotional well-being.” Her second paragraph reads: “Instead of bringing misfortune, however, the 13 habits promise a life of vigor and vivacity. There are, of course, no guarantees, but many of the practices mentioned here have been published in scientific journals. Disregard them, and you may well be taking a big gamble with your mental and emotional well-being.”
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Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Nag, nag, nag --- A humorous essay!
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it . . . . And on and on and on . . .
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They're not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”
It’s always a bit intriguing (for me!) to discover how I came upon a topic. That is, what even sparked an essay called “Nag, nag, nag . . . ?” In this case, the etymology is simple. I was exercising downstairs in our house before jogging. It was 4:30 a.m., and suddenly for the first time ever (I have bee exercising for well over 30 years!), my wife appeared in the stairwell to say that it was only 10-degrees outside, and the chill factor was -10. One of the things she said was, “Frostbite only takes 5 minutes.” She added, too, “Even your eyeballs can be frostbitten.” She knows that I am cautious; she knows that I will come back in if weather or road conditions are bad; she knows that I bundle-up well to protect myself from frostbite. Yes, in the back of my mind, an alarm went off: “Nag, nag, nag” I thought to myself.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Soon after I was married, I developed a philosophy that resolved the cognitive dissonance I had regarding the “nag, nag, nag” dilemma. It’s a dilemma simply because you can let it disturb you, or you can deal with it positively. My philosophy is: “Two heads are better than one.” I know, I know, it’s not a new philosophy, and it is certainly an old cliche. But whether you label it “nag, nag, nag,” which underscores its negative perception, or call it “help, help, help,” which is more positive, it does make a difference in your perception.
Ever since we were married, my wife and I have traveled a great deal. She is the map reader, and I am the driver. Whether it is alerting me to a forthcoming turn, warning me of an oncoming vehicle, or making certain I stop in time to prevent hitting a car stopped in front of us, I have used the “two heads are better than one” philosophy to assist, aid, support, guide, and comfort me when I drive. It’s just a whole different way of looking at the situation. (By the way, her contributions have always been far more positive (and preventative) than negative (and annoying).)
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed
their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty
minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He
fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let
up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer
yelled to her,"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
- - - - - - - -
At the VillageMatchmaker, the essay, “The Person You Love, the Habits You Hate,” includes a special section labeled, “Nagging,” where specific consideration of this “bad habit” is discussed and ways to address the problem. The last paragraph of the essay is as follows: “However you choose to resolve the pesky issue of bad habits, try to remember, even when your partner is driving you crazy with their unwashed dishes, strange taste in music or endless sea of silly knick-knacks; that you chose them for so much more than their bad habits and that it is sometimes the differences we see in another individual, that allows us to be so enamored of, so amazed and so in love with them.”
At the web site Godlike Productions , the very sexist question, “Why do married women nag so much?” was answered with the following comment. I print it here for I (with my over 45 years of marriage) support the explanation in its entirety: “Men marry a woman hoping she won't change over time (get older, fatter, less sexy ) A woman marries a man, hoping he WILL change. There are a lot of women out there, who think their mission in life is to ‘improve’ their husband.” That is all that is available at this web site, but I thought it was worthwhile enough to reprint it here. No source was given for the quotation.
- - - - - - - -
Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it . . . . And on and on and on . . .
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight .
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news..
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They're not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”
It’s always a bit intriguing (for me!) to discover how I came upon a topic. That is, what even sparked an essay called “Nag, nag, nag . . . ?” In this case, the etymology is simple. I was exercising downstairs in our house before jogging. It was 4:30 a.m., and suddenly for the first time ever (I have bee exercising for well over 30 years!), my wife appeared in the stairwell to say that it was only 10-degrees outside, and the chill factor was -10. One of the things she said was, “Frostbite only takes 5 minutes.” She added, too, “Even your eyeballs can be frostbitten.” She knows that I am cautious; she knows that I will come back in if weather or road conditions are bad; she knows that I bundle-up well to protect myself from frostbite. Yes, in the back of my mind, an alarm went off: “Nag, nag, nag” I thought to myself.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Soon after I was married, I developed a philosophy that resolved the cognitive dissonance I had regarding the “nag, nag, nag” dilemma. It’s a dilemma simply because you can let it disturb you, or you can deal with it positively. My philosophy is: “Two heads are better than one.” I know, I know, it’s not a new philosophy, and it is certainly an old cliche. But whether you label it “nag, nag, nag,” which underscores its negative perception, or call it “help, help, help,” which is more positive, it does make a difference in your perception.
Ever since we were married, my wife and I have traveled a great deal. She is the map reader, and I am the driver. Whether it is alerting me to a forthcoming turn, warning me of an oncoming vehicle, or making certain I stop in time to prevent hitting a car stopped in front of us, I have used the “two heads are better than one” philosophy to assist, aid, support, guide, and comfort me when I drive. It’s just a whole different way of looking at the situation. (By the way, her contributions have always been far more positive (and preventative) than negative (and annoying).)
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed
their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table,
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty
minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He
fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let
up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got
out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer
yelled to her,"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
- - - - - - - -
At the VillageMatchmaker, the essay, “The Person You Love, the Habits You Hate,” includes a special section labeled, “Nagging,” where specific consideration of this “bad habit” is discussed and ways to address the problem. The last paragraph of the essay is as follows: “However you choose to resolve the pesky issue of bad habits, try to remember, even when your partner is driving you crazy with their unwashed dishes, strange taste in music or endless sea of silly knick-knacks; that you chose them for so much more than their bad habits and that it is sometimes the differences we see in another individual, that allows us to be so enamored of, so amazed and so in love with them.”
At the web site Godlike Productions , the very sexist question, “Why do married women nag so much?” was answered with the following comment. I print it here for I (with my over 45 years of marriage) support the explanation in its entirety: “Men marry a woman hoping she won't change over time (get older, fatter, less sexy ) A woman marries a man, hoping he WILL change. There are a lot of women out there, who think their mission in life is to ‘improve’ their husband.” That is all that is available at this web site, but I thought it was worthwhile enough to reprint it here. No source was given for the quotation.
- - - - - - - -
Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
You must be joking!
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Two women went out for ladies night out. They got a little tipsy and decided to walk home for the bar. On the way home they each had to use the bathroom. They were walking by a cemetery and decided to hide behind a grave marker and go. Neither having paper it was decided they would use their underwear and just throw them away. Well the first lady goes and throws hers away. When the other lady goes she has on some expensive underwear and does not care to lose them so she grabs a big ribbon of some flowers on a adjacent grave.
The next day the one husband calls the other and says “I dont think we should have girls night out anymore, my wife came home with no underwear.”
Well the other husband says, “Is that all? My wife came home with a note attached to her butt that read ‘FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!’”
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry . . . . How soon can I go home?'”
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
- - - - - - - -
100 Funniest Jokes of All Time prints some terrific jokes, no question about it. Here’s one: A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
At the website, The-Jokes, there are hundreds of them. Here’s one I liked: A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The website Dogpile includes links to thousands of jokes.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L. C.
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Two women went out for ladies night out. They got a little tipsy and decided to walk home for the bar. On the way home they each had to use the bathroom. They were walking by a cemetery and decided to hide behind a grave marker and go. Neither having paper it was decided they would use their underwear and just throw them away. Well the first lady goes and throws hers away. When the other lady goes she has on some expensive underwear and does not care to lose them so she grabs a big ribbon of some flowers on a adjacent grave.
The next day the one husband calls the other and says “I dont think we should have girls night out anymore, my wife came home with no underwear.”
Well the other husband says, “Is that all? My wife came home with a note attached to her butt that read ‘FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!’”
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry . . . . How soon can I go home?'”
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
- - - - - - - -
100 Funniest Jokes of All Time prints some terrific jokes, no question about it. Here’s one: A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
At the website, The-Jokes, there are hundreds of them. Here’s one I liked: A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
The website Dogpile includes links to thousands of jokes.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright October, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L. C.
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