by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
T.S. Eliot wrote, “When a poet's mind is perfectly equipped for its work, it is constantly amalgamating disparate experiences." That is precisely the point of this essay. I could end the essay here, but it would be far too short to qualify for one of my essays.
Even the Bible weighs in on the topic for this essay. The American King James version translates 2 Timothy 3:17 in this way: “That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished to all good works.” Barnes’ Notes on the Bible explains 2 Timothy 3:17: “That the man of God may be perfect - The object is not merely to convince and to convert him; it is to furnish all the instruction needful for his entire perfection. The idea here is, not that any one is absolutely perfect, but that the Scriptures have laid down the way which leads to perfection, and that, if any one were perfect, he would find in the Scriptures all the instruction which he needed in those circumstances.”
Those phrases that need to be underscored are “thoroughly furnished,” and “all the instruction which he needed.”
It was 41-degrees outside at 3:15 a.m., and to beat a forecasted rain, I jogged before I began my regular toning and strengthening exercises, but as I jogged, I thought about how perfectly dressed I was for this weather. It wasn’t unusual clothing—a light jogging outfit, warm gloves, knit cap, and a reflector vest—but it suited the circumstances perfectly.
To be “perfectly equipped” is one of the reasons why I exercise and jog. Indeed, it is preparation for unknown and unpredictable circumstances. My mother’s second husband, who never exercised a day in his life, had a heart attack after shoveling and distributing a pile of gravel around his dog’s house. I exert myself in numerous situations where I am confident that exercising helps protect me from a similar fate.
Being “perfectly equipped” in the area of exercise offers a shield to ward off disease, illness, and health problems. Along with good nutrition, healthy eating and sleeping habits, it contributes, as well, to keeping my mind “perfectly equipped.”
My reading and writing and thinking, coupled with a vigorous and regular exercise program, help maintain a “perfectly equipped” mind. To make decisions, solve problems, engage in educated and intellectual discussions, and come at life in a astute, intuitive, and discerning manner, a well-toned and exercised mind is important.
One caveat is necessary here. When I say a “perfectly equipped” mind, I am not talking about having the best mind in the world nor am I making a comparison between my mind and that of others. I am simply saying that you not only want to develop the best mind of which you are capable, but that you need to maintain it at peak capacity as well.
Being “perfectly equipped” is important when you are traveling. To have to waste time making purchases of things you simply forgot or left behind is unnecessary. The more you travel the less likely it is that important items will be forgotten. Using a list, having the right luggage, carrying an already-well-stocked toilet-articles kit, and having enough clothes to cover every trip’s location and length is essential.
“Perfectly equipped” has, in much the same way, been of assistance in completing a wide variety of home repairs. When I need a new tool to do a job, I purchase it with the knowledge that I am likely to be using it again. The accumulation of tools over the years has maintained a well-stocked tool box.
These are obvious examples, but they reinforce an important point. To be “perfectly equipped” requires us to push ourselves harder, face new challenges, stretch our minds in new directions, and pursue new opportunities when they arise. I listened to a recent high-school graduate who had done the minimal amount of work necessary to graduate. He was not qualified to go to college, had gained minimum exposure to essential, basic information, and he took classes to accumulate the necessary credits to graduate, not for the purpose of expanding his own frontiers, stretching his mind, or because of interest in the course.
As an educator, my message to students has been consistent. Education is a tool, and the more education you get, the wider range of tools you accumulate. You not only learn better how to learn, but you begin applying your learning to a wide variety of problems and situations. You actually begin forming the habit of thinking well. And just like making home repairs when they occur, the more tools you have, the more likely you will be able to make the repairs necessary. The wider the range of “learning tools” developed, the wider the range of decisions and problems you will be able to make and solve.
Students are faced with changes in majors, changes in job opportunities, changes in interests, needs, values, and beliefs, as well as changes in society and in the economy. These are important learning opportunities for they challenge their thinking, force them to consider their future, and stretch them in new, different, and important ways—ways that will truly make a difference in their lives. Think just for a moment of all the issues that people face in their lives once they are out in the real world—beyond college.
The Bible—as noted in 2 Timothy 3:17—is correct, and the beauty of this citation is one knows exactly what “perfectly equipped” means because the Bible provides the answer to “thoroughly furnished,” and “all the instruction which he needed.” If it were truly as easy when it comes to getting an education! “Here is all you need to know to be ‘perfectly equipped,’” a professor might say, but it is never and can never be said!
The quotation by T.S. Eliot, “When a poet's mind is perfectly equipped for its work, it is constantly amalgamating disparate experiences," could as easily have been written for me, a writer. When I am working on a writing project—a book, essay, speech, or lecture—I am constantly combining, blending, and joining separate and diverse parts and, often, while I am exercising or jogging, the unity, confluence, or structure occurs magically as if by chance.
But it is not really an accident (chance) at all; it happens because I am prepared, and preparation in any field, discipline, domain, occupation, area, branch, or sphere is the key. You don’t prepare because you know what the future holds, you prepare to lay the foundation for a productive and active life!
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Hubpages is a terrific website for one reason: the quotations supplied are interesting, provocative, and worthwhile. The “essay,” “Zen Quotes 2 81: Zen is full of paradoxes. So are Zen quotes...,” is true, but you will enjoy them just the same. I was especially intrigued with the quotation from R.H. Blyth, which begins, “What is Zen? Zen means doing anything perfectly, making mistakes perfectly, being defeated perfectly, hesitating perfectly, doing anything perfectly or imperfectly, perfectly. What is the meaning of this perfectly? ...”
Now, I realize most readers will never have the opportunity to travel the outback in Australia; however, talk about needed preparation! At Traveldudes there is a wonderful essay, “Driving through Australia's Outback, be prepared for anything,” about what true preparation is all about. The writer offers all the suggestions for what to take, all the warnings about what to expect, but ends the essay saying, “After all these informations... experiencing the outback with your own 4x4 is sooo awesome! It's an experience you will never forget and it's worth to save some more money for doing a trip like that.”
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Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing LLC
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you are
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
A young lady in my interpersonal communication class asked for my advice about trying to find out who her real father was. She felt betrayed by him from childhood when she learned she was adopted, and she wanted to find out who could deceive, desert, and disappoint at such an intense and personal level. I remember my advice to her as if it were yesterday.
I told her that I thought it would be best for her to go forward with her life, not spend her time in what could be a fruitless and, potentially disappointing, search. I told her, too, that she needed to forgive her father to help free her from the negative baggage of anxiety, distress, and anger that she has carried for so many years. Finally, I said, you know, forgiving is not forgetting. It is, instead, having the courage, understanding, and maturity of knowing when to let go. (Whether or not she took my advice I’ll never know.)
It was Lewis B. Smedes who said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I’m sure you know people who nurse grudges and keep track of every slight. Persistent unforgiveness is part of human nature. To forgive goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of justice.
The problem with unforgiveness is in the number of ways it works against our well being. Because of this, it is the subject of one of the hottest fields of research in clinical psychology. Before 1999, a search of the literature found only 50 studies even remotely related to the subject; now there are more than 4,500 published studies, and it has its own foundation—A Campaign for Forgiveness Research—where scientists are studying the way forgiveness works in individuals and among families and nations. One study, for example, is entitled “The Role of Forgiveness in Divorce Prevention,” while another is called “The Study of Forgiveness with Victims and Offenders.”
There are mental, physical, and spiritual difficulties that unforgiveness has the potential of causing. Regarding mental health, Frederic Luskin, in Stanford Medicine (Vol. 16, Number 4, Summer 1999), reports that when the research over the past 10 years is taken together, “the work so far demonstrates the power of forgiveness to heal emotional wounds.”
“What is intriguing about this research,” Luskin continues, “is that even people who are not depressed or particularly anxious can obtain the improved emotional and psychological functioning that comes from learning to forgive. This suggests that forgiveness may enable people who are functioning adequately to feel even better.”
Think of each of us as viewing the world through a very tiny, self-created lens. Negative thoughts can have a direct effect on how we construct and maintain that lens, especially if the negative thoughts have grown into a poison. By keeping negative thoughts with regard to someone, you are in fact ensuring that your body receives a regular supply of the poisons associated with those negative thoughts—since every thought results in the production of chemicals in the brain.
If the supply of poisons associated with those negative thoughts continues long enough, the effects will manifest themselves at the physical level. Unforgiveness is like carrying a live coal in your heart—far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Physically, research suggests that forgiveness reduces the stress of the state of unforgiveness. The poisons referred to above include a potent mixture of the chemicals associated with bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment, and the fear of being hurt or humiliated.
These, of course, have specific physiologic consequences such as increased blood pressure and hormonal changes that are linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory. Everett Worthington, executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, states that “Every time you feel unforgiveness, you are more likely to develop a health problem.”
“One study of students,” reported by Herb Denenberg in an online article entitled “The Importance of Forgiveness in Preventing Disease and Preserving Health” (Nov. 22, 2005), “found that even focusing on a personal grudge drove up blood pressure. When the same students imagined they had forgiven the grudge, blood pressure levels returned to normal.”
Studies from the Mayo Clinic found that where forgiveness is taught, emotional and physical well-being improved. Another study found that the less forgiving had more health problems.
The International Forgiveness Institute recommends a four-phase plan for achieving forgiveness. First, recognize the situation and acknowledge your pain. Second, commit yourself to forgiveness. Third, find a new way to think about the person who hurt you, perhaps employing meditation or prayer. Fourth, start to realize the relief brought about by forgiveness.
The four steps underscore what Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, a Harvard psychiatrist, writes in his book, Dare to Forgive. He writes that forgiveness is a choice, that it is a process, that it has to be cultivated, and because it goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of injustice, that it may require the help of friends, a therapist, or prayer.
And this leads to the spiritual difficulties of unforgiveness. The power and importance of forgiveness is central to every religion. When you forgive, there are no seeds of an unforgiving spirit planted in your heart. When you respond with unforgiveness, then you have a seed in your heart that slowly but surely develops into a root of bitterness. These roots can spread through your whole spiritual being and infect your entire spiritual life. In Hebrews 12:15 (NASB) it says, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
Not forgiving someone whom you have a reason to hate is certainly not easy. It could probably be argued that it is one of the most difficult things to do in your life. But, considering the potentially negative mental, physical, and spiritual effects of unforgiveness, and the predictive improved health and well-being that depend on forgiveness, sometimes the choice is staring you right in the face.
Bernard Meltzer said, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.” While unforgiveness makes you smaller, forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- - - - - - - - -
The essay at Celebrate Love “Forgiveness . . . What’s it for?” is a lengthy but worthwhile essay with many people responding to it.
Karen Houppert has a terrific 5-page essay “The Truth About Forgiveness” (Sunday, March 22, 2009) at The Washington Post website.
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Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
A young lady in my interpersonal communication class asked for my advice about trying to find out who her real father was. She felt betrayed by him from childhood when she learned she was adopted, and she wanted to find out who could deceive, desert, and disappoint at such an intense and personal level. I remember my advice to her as if it were yesterday.
I told her that I thought it would be best for her to go forward with her life, not spend her time in what could be a fruitless and, potentially disappointing, search. I told her, too, that she needed to forgive her father to help free her from the negative baggage of anxiety, distress, and anger that she has carried for so many years. Finally, I said, you know, forgiving is not forgetting. It is, instead, having the courage, understanding, and maturity of knowing when to let go. (Whether or not she took my advice I’ll never know.)
It was Lewis B. Smedes who said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
I’m sure you know people who nurse grudges and keep track of every slight. Persistent unforgiveness is part of human nature. To forgive goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of justice.
The problem with unforgiveness is in the number of ways it works against our well being. Because of this, it is the subject of one of the hottest fields of research in clinical psychology. Before 1999, a search of the literature found only 50 studies even remotely related to the subject; now there are more than 4,500 published studies, and it has its own foundation—A Campaign for Forgiveness Research—where scientists are studying the way forgiveness works in individuals and among families and nations. One study, for example, is entitled “The Role of Forgiveness in Divorce Prevention,” while another is called “The Study of Forgiveness with Victims and Offenders.”
There are mental, physical, and spiritual difficulties that unforgiveness has the potential of causing. Regarding mental health, Frederic Luskin, in Stanford Medicine (Vol. 16, Number 4, Summer 1999), reports that when the research over the past 10 years is taken together, “the work so far demonstrates the power of forgiveness to heal emotional wounds.”
“What is intriguing about this research,” Luskin continues, “is that even people who are not depressed or particularly anxious can obtain the improved emotional and psychological functioning that comes from learning to forgive. This suggests that forgiveness may enable people who are functioning adequately to feel even better.”
Think of each of us as viewing the world through a very tiny, self-created lens. Negative thoughts can have a direct effect on how we construct and maintain that lens, especially if the negative thoughts have grown into a poison. By keeping negative thoughts with regard to someone, you are in fact ensuring that your body receives a regular supply of the poisons associated with those negative thoughts—since every thought results in the production of chemicals in the brain.
If the supply of poisons associated with those negative thoughts continues long enough, the effects will manifest themselves at the physical level. Unforgiveness is like carrying a live coal in your heart—far more damaging to yourself than to others.
Physically, research suggests that forgiveness reduces the stress of the state of unforgiveness. The poisons referred to above include a potent mixture of the chemicals associated with bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment, and the fear of being hurt or humiliated.
These, of course, have specific physiologic consequences such as increased blood pressure and hormonal changes that are linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory. Everett Worthington, executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, states that “Every time you feel unforgiveness, you are more likely to develop a health problem.”
“One study of students,” reported by Herb Denenberg in an online article entitled “The Importance of Forgiveness in Preventing Disease and Preserving Health” (Nov. 22, 2005), “found that even focusing on a personal grudge drove up blood pressure. When the same students imagined they had forgiven the grudge, blood pressure levels returned to normal.”
Studies from the Mayo Clinic found that where forgiveness is taught, emotional and physical well-being improved. Another study found that the less forgiving had more health problems.
The International Forgiveness Institute recommends a four-phase plan for achieving forgiveness. First, recognize the situation and acknowledge your pain. Second, commit yourself to forgiveness. Third, find a new way to think about the person who hurt you, perhaps employing meditation or prayer. Fourth, start to realize the relief brought about by forgiveness.
The four steps underscore what Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, a Harvard psychiatrist, writes in his book, Dare to Forgive. He writes that forgiveness is a choice, that it is a process, that it has to be cultivated, and because it goes against a natural human tendency to seek revenge and the redress of injustice, that it may require the help of friends, a therapist, or prayer.
And this leads to the spiritual difficulties of unforgiveness. The power and importance of forgiveness is central to every religion. When you forgive, there are no seeds of an unforgiving spirit planted in your heart. When you respond with unforgiveness, then you have a seed in your heart that slowly but surely develops into a root of bitterness. These roots can spread through your whole spiritual being and infect your entire spiritual life. In Hebrews 12:15 (NASB) it says, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”
Not forgiving someone whom you have a reason to hate is certainly not easy. It could probably be argued that it is one of the most difficult things to do in your life. But, considering the potentially negative mental, physical, and spiritual effects of unforgiveness, and the predictive improved health and well-being that depend on forgiveness, sometimes the choice is staring you right in the face.
Bernard Meltzer said, “When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.” While unforgiveness makes you smaller, forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
- - - - - - - - -
The essay at Celebrate Love “Forgiveness . . . What’s it for?” is a lengthy but worthwhile essay with many people responding to it.
Karen Houppert has a terrific 5-page essay “The Truth About Forgiveness” (Sunday, March 22, 2009) at The Washington Post website.
- - - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Reflected appraisals
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
“I think that I have never seen a man as well-defined as he,” is an adaptation of a line written by the poet (Alfred) Joyce Kilmer, from his poem, “Trees” (1913), “I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.” With my adaptation of Kilmer’s line, I am referring to my 98-year-old father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis; however, I admit, that at 98 most people are well defined.
This is not an essay of complaint nor objection; rather, it is one on “reflected appraisals.” Since most people reading this essay would not know a “reflected appraisal” unless they met it in a college classroom and knew they would be quizzed on it before that class ended, let me provide a definition taken from a college textbook (mine!): Communicating Effectively, 10e, McGraw-Hill, 2012, page 35.
“ . . . Your parents, your friends, and your teachers all tell you who you are through reflected appraisals: messages you get about yourself from others. Most reflected appraisals come from things people say about you. . . . All such messages from others help create your self-concept” (p. 35).
It is a simple concept, and basically it reminds readers of the important role that others play in the formation of their self-concept. It attempts to counter or refute the idea that a self-concept is something entirely self-derived or self-developed—that it comes from within the self and is projected outward to others. It is true, of course, that we take the impressions we get from others, assess them, mix and match them, re-adjust them as necessary, and put them together, much as we assemble a puzzle with thousands of very small pieces, to form a self-concept. And it is true, as well, that this self-concept is constantly changing as we go through each day. It is neither static nor invariable.
When I taught a course in interpersonal communication (and in my interpersonal college textbook as well), I was well-known for saying, “Other people provide the most important source of information we get about ourselves. The way we believe others perceive us, often is the way we perceive ourselves.”
In this essay I will be using the term “reflected appraisals” in a slightly different way. I want to reflect upon the traits I have seen in my father-in-law (Edgar) after a full year and a half of daily one-hour visits. Like the book by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie (1997), I have come to know Edgar in a variety of different ways, and I am continually thinking about what I have learned and discovered, much as Mitch learned about Morrie Schwartz, his former professor, after he began to visit him on a weekly basis. Rather than detail the lessons about life I have learned—as Albom did in his book—I want to focus on the traits Edgar reveals that I want to avoid.
It is a coincidence that Edgar was my former professor, and throughout this essay I want readers to know that I have the utmost respect for him. As I write this essay (April 18, 2011), I am less than one week away from a lecture Edgar delivered, “Who wrote the Shakespeare plays,” to a group of just over 50 people, at the Way Public Library (Perrysburg, Ohio), at the age of 97 years. (He is 99 as this essay is posted on the blog.)
First, for the most part, Edgar has chosen a life of social exclusion. He now lives in an apartment at Kingston Residence (along with over 100 other seniors). With the exception of a monthly book-club meeting he feels he was forced to attend, and the speech he gave at Way Library, and meals he takes in the dining room, he attends none of the public events (talks, entertainment, movies, or other social occasions), and prefers to watch sports, read books, magazines, and newspapers, and enjoy daily visits by family members—in his room, by himself.
Edgar would claim that he gave his talk to “test his skills” and that he avoids public events because they conflict with news shows he wants to watch on television.
Second, and closely related to the first idea above, Edgar avoids social contacts. He eats with a group of men at breakfast, and there are two people at his table for lunch and dinner with whom he shares small talk. Other than that, the only social contacts he has are with family members. He never lingers in the lounge, seeks conversation with others in the Residence, nor enjoys being with others. He stays in his room, sits in a comfortable chair, and either reads or watches sports or news programs on television. If he was not forced to go to the dining room for meals, he would have all meals delivered to his room. Unless dictated by illness or health problems, there is an additional cost for having meals in his room.
Third, as can be seen from my description in the paragraph above, Edgar is extremely frugal. One of the things that made him happy about moving to Kingston Residence was that his financial capital would not be touched. His monthly Social Security and retirement checks fully cover his rent, and then some. Financially, he is extremely solvent, and he could be more generous if he chose to be. I know this is a personal decision, but he has limited himself in unnecessary ways. For example, he would enjoy television more if he upgraded one level to include both a golf channel and a classic-movie channel—but he won’t. He could enjoy meals with family members in a special dining room in the Residence—or take them out to a nice restaurant—but he won’t. He could pay his granddaughter for cutting his hair—but he won’t. (He has compensated her in many other very generous ways, however.)
There is a fourth characteristic, too, and that is that Edgar is critical. Over the years he has formed a number of opinions about others that he will not alter in any way. For example, he formed an opinion of Diane Sawyer, the ABC-news-reader, because she worked for Richard Nixon, and now he will not watch her. He formed opinions of Tiger Woods, not because of his womanizing, but because he raised his fist in a gesture (“up yours”) that he considered inappropriate, had a foul mouth, and showed disrespect to his gallery, that followed him throughout his career. He has strong negative opinions about a foot doctor in his Residence who he feels was late to an appointment, and he will not see him again. Nurses who detain him for the administration of his pills quickly gain admission to his devil’s list, and are never forgiven for their lateness—essentially, making him wait.
In all these cases, the reflected appraisals have taught me what I do not want to be and what I do not want to do. Not to be totally negative, Edgar reads, watches sports, is aware, alert, and mentally active, and he has an incredible memory. Even though most of what I have observed, as noted in this essay, are negative traits I want to avoid, they make me a stronger person by underscoring and firming-up the positive traits I have in place. Reflected appraisals have the potential for making you a stronger person with more clearly defined characteristics.
- - - - - - -
If you want more information on reflected appraisals, the JSTOR website and the article, “Reflected appraisals and self-esteem,: by the authors Charles Jaret, et. al., is an excellent resource for two reasons: 1) the information here is succinct and to the point, and 2) the sources that support this theory are offered in abundance and efficiently.
Alieshia Escalera has a short little essay, “Reflected Appraisal. When You Look in the Mirror, What Do You See?” that covers the definition, application, and value of reflected appraisals.
- - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
“I think that I have never seen a man as well-defined as he,” is an adaptation of a line written by the poet (Alfred) Joyce Kilmer, from his poem, “Trees” (1913), “I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.” With my adaptation of Kilmer’s line, I am referring to my 98-year-old father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis; however, I admit, that at 98 most people are well defined.
This is not an essay of complaint nor objection; rather, it is one on “reflected appraisals.” Since most people reading this essay would not know a “reflected appraisal” unless they met it in a college classroom and knew they would be quizzed on it before that class ended, let me provide a definition taken from a college textbook (mine!): Communicating Effectively, 10e, McGraw-Hill, 2012, page 35.
“ . . . Your parents, your friends, and your teachers all tell you who you are through reflected appraisals: messages you get about yourself from others. Most reflected appraisals come from things people say about you. . . . All such messages from others help create your self-concept” (p. 35).
It is a simple concept, and basically it reminds readers of the important role that others play in the formation of their self-concept. It attempts to counter or refute the idea that a self-concept is something entirely self-derived or self-developed—that it comes from within the self and is projected outward to others. It is true, of course, that we take the impressions we get from others, assess them, mix and match them, re-adjust them as necessary, and put them together, much as we assemble a puzzle with thousands of very small pieces, to form a self-concept. And it is true, as well, that this self-concept is constantly changing as we go through each day. It is neither static nor invariable.
When I taught a course in interpersonal communication (and in my interpersonal college textbook as well), I was well-known for saying, “Other people provide the most important source of information we get about ourselves. The way we believe others perceive us, often is the way we perceive ourselves.”
In this essay I will be using the term “reflected appraisals” in a slightly different way. I want to reflect upon the traits I have seen in my father-in-law (Edgar) after a full year and a half of daily one-hour visits. Like the book by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie (1997), I have come to know Edgar in a variety of different ways, and I am continually thinking about what I have learned and discovered, much as Mitch learned about Morrie Schwartz, his former professor, after he began to visit him on a weekly basis. Rather than detail the lessons about life I have learned—as Albom did in his book—I want to focus on the traits Edgar reveals that I want to avoid.
It is a coincidence that Edgar was my former professor, and throughout this essay I want readers to know that I have the utmost respect for him. As I write this essay (April 18, 2011), I am less than one week away from a lecture Edgar delivered, “Who wrote the Shakespeare plays,” to a group of just over 50 people, at the Way Public Library (Perrysburg, Ohio), at the age of 97 years. (He is 99 as this essay is posted on the blog.)
First, for the most part, Edgar has chosen a life of social exclusion. He now lives in an apartment at Kingston Residence (along with over 100 other seniors). With the exception of a monthly book-club meeting he feels he was forced to attend, and the speech he gave at Way Library, and meals he takes in the dining room, he attends none of the public events (talks, entertainment, movies, or other social occasions), and prefers to watch sports, read books, magazines, and newspapers, and enjoy daily visits by family members—in his room, by himself.
Edgar would claim that he gave his talk to “test his skills” and that he avoids public events because they conflict with news shows he wants to watch on television.
Second, and closely related to the first idea above, Edgar avoids social contacts. He eats with a group of men at breakfast, and there are two people at his table for lunch and dinner with whom he shares small talk. Other than that, the only social contacts he has are with family members. He never lingers in the lounge, seeks conversation with others in the Residence, nor enjoys being with others. He stays in his room, sits in a comfortable chair, and either reads or watches sports or news programs on television. If he was not forced to go to the dining room for meals, he would have all meals delivered to his room. Unless dictated by illness or health problems, there is an additional cost for having meals in his room.
Third, as can be seen from my description in the paragraph above, Edgar is extremely frugal. One of the things that made him happy about moving to Kingston Residence was that his financial capital would not be touched. His monthly Social Security and retirement checks fully cover his rent, and then some. Financially, he is extremely solvent, and he could be more generous if he chose to be. I know this is a personal decision, but he has limited himself in unnecessary ways. For example, he would enjoy television more if he upgraded one level to include both a golf channel and a classic-movie channel—but he won’t. He could enjoy meals with family members in a special dining room in the Residence—or take them out to a nice restaurant—but he won’t. He could pay his granddaughter for cutting his hair—but he won’t. (He has compensated her in many other very generous ways, however.)
There is a fourth characteristic, too, and that is that Edgar is critical. Over the years he has formed a number of opinions about others that he will not alter in any way. For example, he formed an opinion of Diane Sawyer, the ABC-news-reader, because she worked for Richard Nixon, and now he will not watch her. He formed opinions of Tiger Woods, not because of his womanizing, but because he raised his fist in a gesture (“up yours”) that he considered inappropriate, had a foul mouth, and showed disrespect to his gallery, that followed him throughout his career. He has strong negative opinions about a foot doctor in his Residence who he feels was late to an appointment, and he will not see him again. Nurses who detain him for the administration of his pills quickly gain admission to his devil’s list, and are never forgiven for their lateness—essentially, making him wait.
In all these cases, the reflected appraisals have taught me what I do not want to be and what I do not want to do. Not to be totally negative, Edgar reads, watches sports, is aware, alert, and mentally active, and he has an incredible memory. Even though most of what I have observed, as noted in this essay, are negative traits I want to avoid, they make me a stronger person by underscoring and firming-up the positive traits I have in place. Reflected appraisals have the potential for making you a stronger person with more clearly defined characteristics.
- - - - - - -
If you want more information on reflected appraisals, the JSTOR website and the article, “Reflected appraisals and self-esteem,: by the authors Charles Jaret, et. al., is an excellent resource for two reasons: 1) the information here is succinct and to the point, and 2) the sources that support this theory are offered in abundance and efficiently.
Alieshia Escalera has a short little essay, “Reflected Appraisal. When You Look in the Mirror, What Do You See?” that covers the definition, application, and value of reflected appraisals.
- - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I'm unique
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
One time it was a short article I read, another time it was a place I visited, and yet another time it was music I was listening to. The inspiration for my essays comes from so many different directions, and, in many cases, I’m not always certain exactly what or from where it originated. That’s the nature of my mind. It’s as if I am saying, “So many ideas, so little time!”
Sometimes my mind is unknowingly focused. For example, when I was working on a new edition of my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), and I was searching for a new slant, approach, or addition that would make the next edition unique (from previous editions). I didn’t even have to be focusing on the problem when the solution occurred. In many cases, when I am exercising or jogging, working on another project, or reading an essay, newspaper, magazine, or book, what I don’t even realize I am currently looking for, magically occurs.
The epiphany — the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something — comes unheralded and without warning. Sometimes it is bound with other ideas as if part of the same recipe; sometimes it is neatly wrapped as a present under the tree on Christmas morning; sometimes it is random, casual, nonspecific, and accidental. The process itself is unique and not easily explained.
But here is the key — maybe it’s just my key, but here goes — I love knowing that nobody else in the entire world (and nobody out there in the solar system as well for I like hyperbole at times like these) could possibly be thinking as I am. Nobody else could have these thoughts, ideas, and emotions in the exact instant I am having them. Talk about being unique!
Incidentally, the fact that somebody else actually could have the same (or even a similar) thought, idea, or emotion is irrelevant to my thinking in times like these. Since this thought (that someone could be as unique as I am in the same instant) contributes nothing at all to my progress and could even be a bit demoralizing (depressing or deflating?); it never crosses my mind (except in an essay where I have to be a little more rational!)
Why does this matter? That is, why is this a key? Because it serves as one more stimulus, prompt, incentive, impulse, or motivation. And here is how it works for me. I am a thinker (notice, I didn’t say “great thinker”!), and to know that my thoughts, ideas, and emotions at any given moment are unique (and, to satisfy my 98-year-old father-in-law’s proclivity for finding incorrect grammatical constructions, I will say “totally unique”), gives me the pleasure and satisfaction I need (look for?) as I use words to build the edifice of an essay or book.
I absolutely embrace the knowledge that I am a distinct human being with special, exclusive — idiosyncratic — thoughts, ideas, and emotions. This is what propels me forward, opens the vast doors of my imagination, squeezes the core of my creative juices, and focuses the beacons of my vision. I only wish I could bottle this dynamic energy, find an inspiring name for the concoction, and market it as a magic elixir.
I looked for ideas online regarding how others capture and use their thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and at the blog Warrior Forum, the stimulus idea was, “So many ideas...so little time. How do you manage that?” In response to the stimulus, Gie Grace writes, “Keep a notebook with you at all times. You may have epiphanies (or light-bulb moments) when you think of an idea to implement. During such moments, it is crucial for you to write them down, so you'll remember them later.”
As a response, too, Michael Newman writes, “I call it ‘the curse of the blessed'.’ It's a great gift — to be able to generate or attract ideas effortlessly. But, it's a double-edged sword.
“I'd record them as advised. Prioritise them and see how they relate to your business model or lifestyle. How can they help accelerate your growth? Do you notice a common theme? Concentrate on the most feasible. Focus on the ones that relate to your passions.
“No one makes money from how many ideas they're able to generate. Real moolah comes from focus, from concentration. From taking an idea to its logical conclusion. From testing them in the cold and harsh (and often loving) rays of fate.
“I was like that. Like a butterfly, floating from one dream to another . . . and another. . . .
“I started getting results when I decided on the most haunting idea. The most stubborn. The one that leaves you no peace. The one that fills you with joy.
“The key is self-discipline,” Newman writes.
At Ezine Articles, the essay by Joanne Julius Hunold, “Introverts - So Many Ideas, So Little Time,” offers several pieces of useful advice. Hunold writes, “First, get some clarity about exactly how you are stuck. For example, is it that you have difficulty choosing an idea (which means not choosing the others) or do you have difficulty deciding which one to do first? Do you realize you don't have enough time to pursue all of them? Or perhaps not enough money for all of them? Are you trying to do all of them at once and hence get overwhelmed? Is it plain old indecision? In other words, what is stopping you from doing?
Second, “Are you aware of your needs and values? This is a first step I put all my clients through. In terms of choosing actions, I recommend first doing the things that satisfy your needs. Then, after your needs have been met; choose the actions that are most closely aligned to your values.
Third, get your ideas out of your head: “Once you have your ideas out of your head and stored somewhere safe (in your notebook) you can stop fretting about what you have not done. This, believe it or not, frees you up to act when you are good and ready.”
Fourth, Hunold writes, “Make it OK to experiment and change your mind. Perhaps you have a lot of things you want to do because you are curious.”
Finally, she says, “go ahead and enjoy the thinking process.”
I love her last idea, of course. As I said earlier in this essay, I am a thinker (and fortunately, too, a doer!). And if this essay helps you de-construct your whole process of inspiration, perhaps, it has made a contribution. Maybe you just need to stop and meta-observe (examine your inside activities by taking a position outside yourself!). This, too, can be a delightful exercise — maybe even one that will prove how unique you are!
- - - - - - -
At ManifestYourPotential.com there is a delightful, pithy, essay, “What Makes Me Unique,” where the writer talks about “The Paradox of Uniqueness.” This is a short, thoughtful essay that will challenge you wonderfully. The writer ends this essay saying, “In your race through life, do you have all the information and tools you need to express your unique potential and live an extraordinary life before you run out of time, health, love and wisdom?”
At the Change My Life! website Steve Thomas has an essay, “I Am a Unique and Special Human Being, It’s All In the Mind” (May 11, 2010), in which he makes the point, “The very fact that we have in mind the thought that we, you, I am a unique and special human being makes us one. Most people have such a poor sense of self worth, that they can hardly come to grips with a thought like that. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we are what we think. If we believe ourselves to be worthless, then we tend to act that way. If we believe ourselves to be elite, something special, then we will tend to act that way.”
- - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
One time it was a short article I read, another time it was a place I visited, and yet another time it was music I was listening to. The inspiration for my essays comes from so many different directions, and, in many cases, I’m not always certain exactly what or from where it originated. That’s the nature of my mind. It’s as if I am saying, “So many ideas, so little time!”
Sometimes my mind is unknowingly focused. For example, when I was working on a new edition of my textbook, Communicating Effectively, 10e (McGraw-Hill, 2012), and I was searching for a new slant, approach, or addition that would make the next edition unique (from previous editions). I didn’t even have to be focusing on the problem when the solution occurred. In many cases, when I am exercising or jogging, working on another project, or reading an essay, newspaper, magazine, or book, what I don’t even realize I am currently looking for, magically occurs.
The epiphany — the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something — comes unheralded and without warning. Sometimes it is bound with other ideas as if part of the same recipe; sometimes it is neatly wrapped as a present under the tree on Christmas morning; sometimes it is random, casual, nonspecific, and accidental. The process itself is unique and not easily explained.
But here is the key — maybe it’s just my key, but here goes — I love knowing that nobody else in the entire world (and nobody out there in the solar system as well for I like hyperbole at times like these) could possibly be thinking as I am. Nobody else could have these thoughts, ideas, and emotions in the exact instant I am having them. Talk about being unique!
Incidentally, the fact that somebody else actually could have the same (or even a similar) thought, idea, or emotion is irrelevant to my thinking in times like these. Since this thought (that someone could be as unique as I am in the same instant) contributes nothing at all to my progress and could even be a bit demoralizing (depressing or deflating?); it never crosses my mind (except in an essay where I have to be a little more rational!)
Why does this matter? That is, why is this a key? Because it serves as one more stimulus, prompt, incentive, impulse, or motivation. And here is how it works for me. I am a thinker (notice, I didn’t say “great thinker”!), and to know that my thoughts, ideas, and emotions at any given moment are unique (and, to satisfy my 98-year-old father-in-law’s proclivity for finding incorrect grammatical constructions, I will say “totally unique”), gives me the pleasure and satisfaction I need (look for?) as I use words to build the edifice of an essay or book.
I absolutely embrace the knowledge that I am a distinct human being with special, exclusive — idiosyncratic — thoughts, ideas, and emotions. This is what propels me forward, opens the vast doors of my imagination, squeezes the core of my creative juices, and focuses the beacons of my vision. I only wish I could bottle this dynamic energy, find an inspiring name for the concoction, and market it as a magic elixir.
I looked for ideas online regarding how others capture and use their thoughts, ideas, and emotions, and at the blog Warrior Forum, the stimulus idea was, “So many ideas...so little time. How do you manage that?” In response to the stimulus, Gie Grace writes, “Keep a notebook with you at all times. You may have epiphanies (or light-bulb moments) when you think of an idea to implement. During such moments, it is crucial for you to write them down, so you'll remember them later.”
As a response, too, Michael Newman writes, “I call it ‘the curse of the blessed'.’ It's a great gift — to be able to generate or attract ideas effortlessly. But, it's a double-edged sword.
“I'd record them as advised. Prioritise them and see how they relate to your business model or lifestyle. How can they help accelerate your growth? Do you notice a common theme? Concentrate on the most feasible. Focus on the ones that relate to your passions.
“No one makes money from how many ideas they're able to generate. Real moolah comes from focus, from concentration. From taking an idea to its logical conclusion. From testing them in the cold and harsh (and often loving) rays of fate.
“I was like that. Like a butterfly, floating from one dream to another . . . and another. . . .
“I started getting results when I decided on the most haunting idea. The most stubborn. The one that leaves you no peace. The one that fills you with joy.
“The key is self-discipline,” Newman writes.
At Ezine Articles, the essay by Joanne Julius Hunold, “Introverts - So Many Ideas, So Little Time,” offers several pieces of useful advice. Hunold writes, “First, get some clarity about exactly how you are stuck. For example, is it that you have difficulty choosing an idea (which means not choosing the others) or do you have difficulty deciding which one to do first? Do you realize you don't have enough time to pursue all of them? Or perhaps not enough money for all of them? Are you trying to do all of them at once and hence get overwhelmed? Is it plain old indecision? In other words, what is stopping you from doing?
Second, “Are you aware of your needs and values? This is a first step I put all my clients through. In terms of choosing actions, I recommend first doing the things that satisfy your needs. Then, after your needs have been met; choose the actions that are most closely aligned to your values.
Third, get your ideas out of your head: “Once you have your ideas out of your head and stored somewhere safe (in your notebook) you can stop fretting about what you have not done. This, believe it or not, frees you up to act when you are good and ready.”
Fourth, Hunold writes, “Make it OK to experiment and change your mind. Perhaps you have a lot of things you want to do because you are curious.”
Finally, she says, “go ahead and enjoy the thinking process.”
I love her last idea, of course. As I said earlier in this essay, I am a thinker (and fortunately, too, a doer!). And if this essay helps you de-construct your whole process of inspiration, perhaps, it has made a contribution. Maybe you just need to stop and meta-observe (examine your inside activities by taking a position outside yourself!). This, too, can be a delightful exercise — maybe even one that will prove how unique you are!
- - - - - - -
At ManifestYourPotential.com there is a delightful, pithy, essay, “What Makes Me Unique,” where the writer talks about “The Paradox of Uniqueness.” This is a short, thoughtful essay that will challenge you wonderfully. The writer ends this essay saying, “In your race through life, do you have all the information and tools you need to express your unique potential and live an extraordinary life before you run out of time, health, love and wisdom?”
At the Change My Life! website Steve Thomas has an essay, “I Am a Unique and Special Human Being, It’s All In the Mind” (May 11, 2010), in which he makes the point, “The very fact that we have in mind the thought that we, you, I am a unique and special human being makes us one. Most people have such a poor sense of self worth, that they can hardly come to grips with a thought like that. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we are what we think. If we believe ourselves to be worthless, then we tend to act that way. If we believe ourselves to be elite, something special, then we will tend to act that way.”
- - - - - - - -
Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
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