by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
In 1964 (47 years ago), I was inspired, encouraged, even energized by a book by M. C. Richards entitled, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person (Wesleyan University Press, 1962, 1964). The book is philosophical in nature, and it was Richards’ theme as much as her language (writing style) that roused and stirred me. “Centering is the image I use,” Richards writes, “for the process of balance which will enable us to step along that thread feeling it not as a thread but a sphere. It will, it is hoped,” she continues, “help us to walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness, finding our way continuous, self-completing” (p. 6).
From the G. Merritt, of Boulder, Colorado, review at Amzaon.com, Merritt writes, “M. C. Richards was a potter, teacher, and poet, and her 1962 book is ‘a story of transformation’ (p. 4). In his Foreward to the 25th Anniversay Edition of M.C.'s ‘truly subversive book’ (p. ix), Matthew Fox writes, ‘I consider this book one of the great works of American philosophy: it is so cosmological, so feminist (without once using that term), so original, so full of wisdom, so post Cartesian, so nondualistic, so moral, and so fully a part of the mystical tradition of the West that one wonders from what source it arrived in our world . . . This is a prophetic and mystical book. Such books are dangerous. They are the kind dictators burn, churches tend to ignore, and consumer cultures leave on the shelf. For they have the power to awaken, to stir, to disturb, and to transform’ (pp. vii-viii).” That is the effect it had on me.
"I sense this," Richards writes; "we must be steady enough in ourselves, to be open and to let the winds of life blow through us, to be our breath, our inspiration; to breathe with them, mobile and soft in the limberness of our bodies, in our agility, our ability, as it were, to dance, and yet to stand upright, to be intact, to be persons" (p. 12). This is truly inspirational writing.
To put “a balanced life” into some practical perspective—a perspective from which, incidentally, Richards’ concept of Centering would most likely emerge—I would list the ingredients of a well-balanced life to be some equitable, proper, and just distribution of interest, time, and energy among: a positive attitude, exercise, diet, sleep, being healthy, listen well, quiet personal time, creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally, family and friends, work, a sense of humor, and faith (however you define it and in whatever context you choose).
More attention to the balance of these elements alone, would help us live more appropriately within the delicate balance of living creatures, the daily demands made upon us, and the personal needs required to live a healthy, productive, and rewarding life.
Without being fully aware of it ("an unexpected discovery"), I wrote a book about living a balanced life. The book, You Rules—Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life (And Then Some Publishing, 2008), focuses on self-improvement, and, as I say in the preface to this book, “. . . if one wants to make changes in his or her life—and change is what this book is all about because for self-improvement to occur, one must change—how much, how soon, in what direction that change will go are all decisions that will take place as you read the essays in this volume” (p. xi).
Rather than repeat myself in this essay, let me clarify—using the book You Rules!—where the elements above can be found. In the first two chapters of the book, I discuss both optimism and developing a positive attitude, and I offer a number of specific suggestions for obtaining both.
Along with optimism and a positive attitude, one needs to make self-discipline a habit and become passionate about life—characteristics that are enablers for they make achieving the other elements in the list possible. The other four essays in the first section of You Rules! treat the issues of how to take control of your life (“Make Your Own Luck”), how to break out of your comfort zones (“Get Out of Your Comfort Zones”), an essay on how to stop procrastination (“Make TNT [Today Not Tomorrow] Your Motto to Feed Your Mind With Positive Input”), and, finally, an essay on how to become more organized (“Get Organized”).
The entire second section of the book, You Rules!, is devoted to the next three elements in the list above: diet, sleep, being healthy. Chapter 9 carries the title, “Adopt a Healthy Lifestyle.” Chapter 10, “Make a Commitment to Regular Exercise,” and Chapter 11, “Develop a Sense of Wonder.” This section, too, includes a chapter on “Have a Sense of Humor.” These chapters not only discuss the importance of these elements, they offer specific methods for accomplishment.
The third section of the book, You Rules!, is designed not just to keep you on track in the accomplishment of the elements of a well-balanced life, but to overcome the many stones in the road. It covers such issues as self-discipline, self-management, listening to your instincts, controlling worry, pursuing a program of growth, development, and change, and how to take risks in stretching the boundaries of our mental, spiritual, and physical worlds. This section also includes a chapter on, “Become an Effective Listener,” which is another one of the elements.
The next two elements essential to a well-balanced life, from the list offered above— creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally—are covered in the fourth section of the book, You Rules!, entitled, “Exercise Your Creativity.” Not only are the benefits of creativity discussed but so, too, are the characteristics of successful, creative people. When you know how the creative process works, explained in Chapter 28, you are more likely to recognize the process in action and the value of quiet personal time (another element), and when you know the kind of life in which creativity can flourish (Chapter 29), you will know exactly how it can be nurtured. The need to become immersed in a field of study [which encompasses the area of “work” in the listed elements] and the nature of and how to capitalize on “flow” are the final two chapters in this section.
The fifth section of the book, You Rules!, “Maintain Your Progress,” helps in achieving a well-balanced life because it offers specific, pragmatic advice for dealing with failure and mistakes, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable social influences, wrestling with the devil, keeping your brain in good shape, and making your self-improvements last.
It is in the final section of the book, You Rules!, “Look to a Positive Future,” where there are chapters that focus on the final two elements in the list not previously considered. The importance of family and friends is covered in Chapter 48, “Become a Loving Human Being,” and faith is covered in “Reflect Upon Your Blessings” (Chapter 44).
If you chose to live a balanced life, and you decided that the elements listed above were even some of those for which you wanted to strive, then the book, You Rules!, includes a wide range of useful and immediate recommendations for beginning at once on such a project! Indeed, You Rules! will help each of us to, as M. C. Richards says, “walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness.”
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At EssentialLife Skills.net, the five priorities discussed include: 1. Take care and nurture yourself, 2. Know what your priorities are, 3. Create an efficient mindset, 4. Expect the unexpected, and 5. Maintain a positive mental attitude.
At everydayhealth.com in the essay, “Top Tips for Creating a Well-Balanced Life A balanced life addresses the basics of exercise, good nutrition, and stress relief. Wellbeing stems from paying attention to both your emotional and physical health,” Chris Iliades, a medical doctor lists time management, stress management, exercise, nutrition, support, more support, and health care as the essentials.
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Bright-Sided
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights.
First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39).
Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well.
In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44).
In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73).
I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96).
“Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)
She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122).
Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).
Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133).
My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
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In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.
Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.
At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.”
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights.
First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39).
Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well.
In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44).
In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73).
I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96).
“Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)
She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122).
Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).
Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133).
My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
-----
In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.
Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.
At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Managing conflict
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”
Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.
In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:
“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.
“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)
“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.
“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”
The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).
There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.
Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.
Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)
At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.
At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”
Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.
In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:
“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.
“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)
“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.
“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”
The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).
There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.
Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.
Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)
At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.
At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Losing control
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
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