Managing conflict

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    

When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict.  Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”
    
Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.
    
In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.”  The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:
    
“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations?  In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes.  Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics.  We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable.  That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.
    
“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity.  Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity.  It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations.  The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.)  Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness.  (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing.  Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)
      
“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them.  People who empathize often listen well.  A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check.  Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.
    
“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability  to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”
    
The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient.  It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).
    
There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation.  One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation.  To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.
    
Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict.  The first is to listen well.  Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say.  Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect.  If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.
    
Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior.  Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)
    
At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles.  Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.  Being loyal to those who are not present.  2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.  3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”
    
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.

At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.