By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It doesn’t take that much to convince me that I’ve had a successful day. One day I repaired a hole in the side of my daughter’s house. Although it was only 3-inches by 3-inches by 1 1/2-inches deep, it took a couple of hours to cut a block of wood to fit into the hole, shape a piece of aluminum flashing to cover the wood piece and more of the rotting wood, screw the flashing to the wood behind one of her gutters with treated screws so they wouldn’t rust, and then seal the area with silicon to protect it from further water penetration.
One day my wife wanted a 24-inch round table about 24-inches off the floor to use for her “Decorating the Tree” Christmas scene. I had an extra 3/4-inch piece of plywood, and it took almost three hours and four different kinds of power saw (a jig saw, a bench saw, a handheld circular saw, and a 10-inch radial-arm saw) to cut the round table, make a 3-inch wide box-support for the legs, cut the legs into the same sizes, attach the legs to the box, then attach the box and legs with metal angle braces and wood glue to the underside of the table. I cut the round table with a jig saw, but I left one right-angled piece so the table would fit into a corner of our dining room and would not move left or right if accidentally hit.
Some days it’s the completion of a couple of book reviews; on some days it’s finishing an essay or two; there are days, too, when I have finished reading two newspapers and some magazines; on some days I have raked all the leaves in the yard, and on yet other days I have paid all of the bills and balanced the checkbook.
What do you say when the day is done? “Thank goodness it’s over,” “My work is not done,” “I have so much more to do,” “I sure look forward to tomorrow,” “I hope tomorrow is much better,” or “It just can’t get any worse than this.” I know, it depends on the day and what happened.
The point, however, is a simple one. It is the accumulation of days that make a life. A positive, substantial, contributing life is made up of similar kinds of days. It can’t be otherwise. The question is whether we simply want to complete a day, or do we really want to make that day count.
There are, of course, examples of people who had spectacular moments that determined their life like when one of their movies or songs becomes an outstanding success, when their YouTube video gleans a spectacular audience, when someone wins the lottery, when an experiment results in a finding that makes a life-changing contribution, or when an inheritance allows a unique or unusual opportunity to contribute to the well being of fellow human beings.
These are, indeed, unique situations, and although they may “make a life,” they are outliers and should (must) not determine the plan for anyone’s life. You cannot make a life out of waiting to win the lottery, get a large inheritance, obtain a huge insurance payment, or otherwise become rich.
For most of us, it is what we do on a daily basis that not only must be our concern but must be the ingredients of the food that makes up our lives. The question becomes, how important is it to you to “make each day count”?
You can change the life you have or you can change your life for a positive, valuable future, but to do this requires that you change 1) your attitude, 2) your goals, and 3) your commitment.
So often, it is much easier (easier than changing attitudes, goals, or commitments) to just relax, sleep, or be lazy. Why should life be about accomplishment? Success? Striving for change?
The point is, and it can be summed up so simply: When all is said and done, have you left this world a better place because you have lived? What is your contribution? What difference has it been that you have lived in this world — occupied space on this earth — at all?
And the point is that your contribution need not be one of those life-changing, earth-shattering, monumental accomplishments! You don’t have to be a headline in the local newspaper, recognized for an award by a business or local organization, or been featured in a video on YouTube. If you look at such accomplishments or recognition as your sole goal in life, you are likely to be disappointed.
It is, indeed, the daily, small, sometimes seemingly insignificant, things that we do that count. If they were not what is important — if these were not the things that counted — if these were not the factors that make up a life — where would most people be? How could they justify their daily existence?
By being an active person, taking action on a daily basis, and working hard at every task in which you engage, you ARE making a difference. Think, for example, the effect this can have on your own psyche. Think, too, the effects it can have on your children or grandchildren. How about your neighbors, neighborhood, or community. Your activity, too, can affect others around you — whether it be a spouse, friends, or other family members.
Being a well-read, well-informed, knowledgeable, and conversant citizen who is willing to talk, share, and communicate — if this is where you place your emphasis when it comes to being active — you can have an enormous influence on others.
What do I say when the day is done? First, I love to go back and look over what I have done — whether it’s fixing a hole in a house, constructing a small table, cleaning windows, vacuuming the house, cleaning up the kitchen, or re-reading an essay or book review. No task is too small not to appreciate it. Second, I always appreciate having the physical strength and the mental ability (all still fully intact) to continually accomplish new things. Third, I go to bed with the feeling, “I am satisfied,” “I am fulfilled,” “I am fully alive.” These are not only the thoughts at the end of each day, they are the thoughts, too, that provide a restful sleep in preparation for another day of activity.
For me, it is as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote in the final four lines of his famous poem, “The Day is Done”: And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.
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At the Family Education website, there is a wonderful little essay entitled, “Consider Yur Legacy,” which ends like this: “When we're wondering about whether or not our daily efforts are worth it, our legacy might be at the core of that concern. If you knew today was going to be your last, how would you spend it?”
At HubPages.com, Mqubas has authored an essay, “Your Journey Ends With Your Legacy,” which begins with the paragraph: “We are all travelers in this world. We are all walking and running every day unknowingly. We start our daily journey by rising up from our bed and ends by retiring to the same bed. We wake up in the morning and brush our teeth, have a cup of coffee or breakfast and proceed with our daily chores. Even though we have different works, at the end of the day, we are always compelled to answer one question: and that is if we have reached our goal successfully, whether we really finished that day's journey or not with victory.”
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Copyright October, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
Showing posts with label Essays by Richard L. Weaver II Ph.D.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Essays by Richard L. Weaver II Ph.D.. Show all posts
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Bangkok: Big City of Contrasts II
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
At the end of essay one on Bangkok, my wife and I were touring “high-end” stores so our tuk-tuk driver could get “gas coupons.” When our tuk-tuk tour ended, we gave our driver 60 bahts rather than the 40 negotiated at the beginning of our trip. Still, at 60 bahts for over 1 1/2-hours of travel, the cost in U.S. dollars was less than $2.00 (about $1.86 to be exact).
Back at the Grand Palace (once the official home for the Kings of Siam), which was our original destination when we left the Four Season’s Hotel in the morning, our intent was to see the Emerald Buddha located within the Palace walls. I’m not quite sure why our focus was on seeing a wide variety of Buddhas; however, that was what was happening.
The admission price to the Grand Palace and museum was about $10.00 U.S. (350 baht), but we discovered, in retrospect, that it was well worth the price. We shortened our self-guided tour, however, because of the excessive heat and humidity. There was bright sunshine, and in walking the grounds of the Grand Palace, we were continually in search of shade.
An Internet essay, “History of the Emerald Buddha,” offers a short explanation of the Emerald Buddha which we heard repeated several times by tour guides we overheard at the Palace: “According to reliable chronicles, lightning struck a Chedi in Chiangrai province of Northern Thailand in 1434 A.D.and a Buddha statue made of stucco was found inside. The abbot of the temple noticed that the stucco on the nose had flaked off and the image inside was a green color. He then removed the stucco covering and found the Emerald Buddha which is in reality made of green jade.” The explanation we heard for the stucco covering was to protect it. It was applied by people who knew the stucco would be unattractive to uninvited plunderers whereas the green jade would be stolen at once. The Emerald Buddha stands less than 18-inches tall.
To get to the Reclining Buddha (Wat Pho) — our next Buddhist destination — which was located next to the Grand Palace, we had to walk around half of the large, walled enclosure, but, fortunately, we walked in shade under trees and vendor umbrellas. There were at least 100 sidewalk vendors along the route from the Palace to Wat Pho. “The word “Wat” means “place of worship.” We moved rapidly among the locals, and there was never fear nor anxiety, even though we saw no other tourists and no other Caucasians during this long walk in the heat and humidity.
Also, just before getting to Wat Pho and the Reclining Buddha, we walked to the edge of Chao Phraya River which flows through the heart of Bangkok. At the website, Virtual Tourist, it says this about the River: “[The] Chao Phraya River plays a main role [in] Thai life. Some of [Thai] history can be traced within [its] sprawling river banks. [There are] Old Temples, palaces, and [many] communities . . . along the river.”
Beside the river and looking out over it, we found the S & P Restaurant where we “enjoyed” a spicy cream/chicken/artichoke soup that I ate with tears coming to my eyes. My wife had a spicy tomato/beef/curry soup that was not as spicy, but spicy enough! Traditional Thai food is very spicy, and locals tend to use white rice to mute the intensity. I used all of the white rice we were provided — both mine and my wife’s!
Although we had many opportunities to eat from sidewalk vendors or in numerous local restaurants (especially in a “Food Park” at a mall close to our hotel, we ate all our breakfasts (3 total) in our hotel room with locally purchased bakery items), and we had entirely “safe” food (also cheap!) at a McDonald’s and a KFC. (You can find many of the well-known, fast-food, brand name restaurants in Bangkok such as KFC, Burger King, Dunking Donuts, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, Starbucks, A&W and so on. (YUM! Restaurants, Inc., [owner of KFC] operates over 32,500 restaurants in more than 100 countries and territories in the world.)
Getting back to our walk from the Grand Palace to Wat Pho, you may wonder why we wanted to see the Reclining Buddha? At the website, “Into Asia” there is a description of it: “The highly impressive gold plated reclining Buddha is 46 meters long [151 feet] and 15 meters high [49 feet], and is designed to illustrate the passing of the Buddha into nirvana. The feet and the eyes are engraved with mother-of-pearl decoration, and the feet also show the 108 auspicious characteristics of the true Buddha.” If you ever think you’ve seen enough Buddhas, or that you’ve seen them all (there are over 1,000 images of Buddha in Wat Pho alone!), and you’ve missed the Reclining Buddha, you have missed a remarkable sight.
After our 2 ½ days in greater Bangkok, we were ready to head to Laem Chabang (the port that is two hours away, board our ship (the Diamond Princess), and begin traveling to Singapore (with over 2,600 others). The words “greater Bangkok” are important. According to the very short essay,“Thai Traditional Ways of Life in Bangkok” the writer claims we never saw “the real Bangkok.” “Bangkok is very much grounded in modernity,” the writer says. “It is a fast and furious city of business and commerce with a pace equal to that of any capital in the world. Despite this, Thailand’s capital also has a quieter, gentler side. The real Bangkok can be found in the backstreets and ‘Sois’ (small roads) where people live in communities that have not changed much over the years.
Obviously, getting out of the city centre is the best way to find Bangkok’s traditional way of life, but even in the centre a short walk away from tourism and business areas will find people sitting in the street, eating, chatting, listening to music and enjoying Thailand’s clement evening weather.” The point the writer is making is simple: There are even contrasts that those who visit Bangkok will miss if they don’t get out of the city center.
Despite not getting out of the city, however, we noticed the contrast between the traditional and the modern. For us, one of the best symbols of this contrast was seeing one of the women sidewalk vendors toting her wares in bamboo woven baskets, attached to a bamboo pole, carried over her shoulders, then selling her wares on the sidewalk beneath a large, modern, skyscraper. Where else in the world but Bangkok?
-----
At this tourist website, there is a brief history of Bangkok. I found the following paragraph the most interesting one in this essay: “A century ago, Bangkok had many river tributaries and canals until it was known as "Venice of the East." As modernization steps in during the past 30 years, more and more roads were built with the sacrifice of these canals. Small and mega-buildings replaced the rice paddy fields and agricultural farms. However, Bangkok still retains its charm by portraying the combination of old and new and is one of the most attractive cities to visit.”
At One-Stop Bangkok, the essay states: “The bigger size of Buddha statues can also be seen in every temple in Thailand. Bangkok boasts many exquisite temples which are regularly visited by pious Buddhists on special religious occasions. The most famous one is the Temple of Emerald Buddha (Wat Phra Kaew), situated within the Grand Palace. The emerald Buddha acts as a sacred symbol of the Rattanakosin. Thai people always go to the temples to offer food, candles, incense sticks and lotus flowers to the Buddha statues and also give money to make merit to the temple and monks. Some also receive blessings from the monks which they believe will bring good fortune and prosperity.”
-----
Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
At the end of essay one on Bangkok, my wife and I were touring “high-end” stores so our tuk-tuk driver could get “gas coupons.” When our tuk-tuk tour ended, we gave our driver 60 bahts rather than the 40 negotiated at the beginning of our trip. Still, at 60 bahts for over 1 1/2-hours of travel, the cost in U.S. dollars was less than $2.00 (about $1.86 to be exact).
Back at the Grand Palace (once the official home for the Kings of Siam), which was our original destination when we left the Four Season’s Hotel in the morning, our intent was to see the Emerald Buddha located within the Palace walls. I’m not quite sure why our focus was on seeing a wide variety of Buddhas; however, that was what was happening.
The admission price to the Grand Palace and museum was about $10.00 U.S. (350 baht), but we discovered, in retrospect, that it was well worth the price. We shortened our self-guided tour, however, because of the excessive heat and humidity. There was bright sunshine, and in walking the grounds of the Grand Palace, we were continually in search of shade.
An Internet essay, “History of the Emerald Buddha,” offers a short explanation of the Emerald Buddha which we heard repeated several times by tour guides we overheard at the Palace: “According to reliable chronicles, lightning struck a Chedi in Chiangrai province of Northern Thailand in 1434 A.D.and a Buddha statue made of stucco was found inside. The abbot of the temple noticed that the stucco on the nose had flaked off and the image inside was a green color. He then removed the stucco covering and found the Emerald Buddha which is in reality made of green jade.” The explanation we heard for the stucco covering was to protect it. It was applied by people who knew the stucco would be unattractive to uninvited plunderers whereas the green jade would be stolen at once. The Emerald Buddha stands less than 18-inches tall.
To get to the Reclining Buddha (Wat Pho) — our next Buddhist destination — which was located next to the Grand Palace, we had to walk around half of the large, walled enclosure, but, fortunately, we walked in shade under trees and vendor umbrellas. There were at least 100 sidewalk vendors along the route from the Palace to Wat Pho. “The word “Wat” means “place of worship.” We moved rapidly among the locals, and there was never fear nor anxiety, even though we saw no other tourists and no other Caucasians during this long walk in the heat and humidity.
Also, just before getting to Wat Pho and the Reclining Buddha, we walked to the edge of Chao Phraya River which flows through the heart of Bangkok. At the website, Virtual Tourist, it says this about the River: “[The] Chao Phraya River plays a main role [in] Thai life. Some of [Thai] history can be traced within [its] sprawling river banks. [There are] Old Temples, palaces, and [many] communities . . . along the river.”
Beside the river and looking out over it, we found the S & P Restaurant where we “enjoyed” a spicy cream/chicken/artichoke soup that I ate with tears coming to my eyes. My wife had a spicy tomato/beef/curry soup that was not as spicy, but spicy enough! Traditional Thai food is very spicy, and locals tend to use white rice to mute the intensity. I used all of the white rice we were provided — both mine and my wife’s!
Although we had many opportunities to eat from sidewalk vendors or in numerous local restaurants (especially in a “Food Park” at a mall close to our hotel, we ate all our breakfasts (3 total) in our hotel room with locally purchased bakery items), and we had entirely “safe” food (also cheap!) at a McDonald’s and a KFC. (You can find many of the well-known, fast-food, brand name restaurants in Bangkok such as KFC, Burger King, Dunking Donuts, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Dairy Queen, Starbucks, A&W and so on. (YUM! Restaurants, Inc., [owner of KFC] operates over 32,500 restaurants in more than 100 countries and territories in the world.)
Getting back to our walk from the Grand Palace to Wat Pho, you may wonder why we wanted to see the Reclining Buddha? At the website, “Into Asia” there is a description of it: “The highly impressive gold plated reclining Buddha is 46 meters long [151 feet] and 15 meters high [49 feet], and is designed to illustrate the passing of the Buddha into nirvana. The feet and the eyes are engraved with mother-of-pearl decoration, and the feet also show the 108 auspicious characteristics of the true Buddha.” If you ever think you’ve seen enough Buddhas, or that you’ve seen them all (there are over 1,000 images of Buddha in Wat Pho alone!), and you’ve missed the Reclining Buddha, you have missed a remarkable sight.
After our 2 ½ days in greater Bangkok, we were ready to head to Laem Chabang (the port that is two hours away, board our ship (the Diamond Princess), and begin traveling to Singapore (with over 2,600 others). The words “greater Bangkok” are important. According to the very short essay,“Thai Traditional Ways of Life in Bangkok” the writer claims we never saw “the real Bangkok.” “Bangkok is very much grounded in modernity,” the writer says. “It is a fast and furious city of business and commerce with a pace equal to that of any capital in the world. Despite this, Thailand’s capital also has a quieter, gentler side. The real Bangkok can be found in the backstreets and ‘Sois’ (small roads) where people live in communities that have not changed much over the years.
Obviously, getting out of the city centre is the best way to find Bangkok’s traditional way of life, but even in the centre a short walk away from tourism and business areas will find people sitting in the street, eating, chatting, listening to music and enjoying Thailand’s clement evening weather.” The point the writer is making is simple: There are even contrasts that those who visit Bangkok will miss if they don’t get out of the city center.
Despite not getting out of the city, however, we noticed the contrast between the traditional and the modern. For us, one of the best symbols of this contrast was seeing one of the women sidewalk vendors toting her wares in bamboo woven baskets, attached to a bamboo pole, carried over her shoulders, then selling her wares on the sidewalk beneath a large, modern, skyscraper. Where else in the world but Bangkok?
-----
At this tourist website, there is a brief history of Bangkok. I found the following paragraph the most interesting one in this essay: “A century ago, Bangkok had many river tributaries and canals until it was known as "Venice of the East." As modernization steps in during the past 30 years, more and more roads were built with the sacrifice of these canals. Small and mega-buildings replaced the rice paddy fields and agricultural farms. However, Bangkok still retains its charm by portraying the combination of old and new and is one of the most attractive cities to visit.”
At One-Stop Bangkok, the essay states: “The bigger size of Buddha statues can also be seen in every temple in Thailand. Bangkok boasts many exquisite temples which are regularly visited by pious Buddhists on special religious occasions. The most famous one is the Temple of Emerald Buddha (Wat Phra Kaew), situated within the Grand Palace. The emerald Buddha acts as a sacred symbol of the Rattanakosin. Thai people always go to the temples to offer food, candles, incense sticks and lotus flowers to the Buddha statues and also give money to make merit to the temple and monks. Some also receive blessings from the monks which they believe will bring good fortune and prosperity.”
-----
Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Bangkok: Big City of Contrasts
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It was dark when we landed at the airport, and we could see little (or nothing) during the shuttle ride from the airport to our hotel just outside the main areas of most interest (e.g., the Old City, China Town, and sights along the Chao Phraya River). After a 21-hour, 36-minute (total) series of flights (3 different aircraft) — 3 legs (Detroit-Chicago, Chicago-Tokyo, and Tokyo-Bangkok) — we were dead tired and ready to check in to our Princess-cruise arranged, Four Seasons’ Hotel, which we did around 2:00 a.m. We slept in until 9:30 a.m. the following day.
Although we were still a bit sluggish from our long trip yesterday and the day before (we lost a day in transit), we decided to spend the first half day staying fairly close to the hotel. Out on the street walking, openly using our maps for direction, and looking unclear and confused, crossing the street at the first light after leaving our hotel, a woman asked if she could help us.
We didn’t know there was a hospital on this corner where we were standing, and this helpful woman was the wife of a physician, and she was just going to meet her husband for lunch. She had a great deal of information to share, and when she heard of where we wanted to go (the Gem and Jewelry Trade Center), she recommended it. (I wrote about her and professor Chanchai in a previous essay, “Orchestrating a Sale,” so I won’t repeat it here, except to say, this was our opening experience in Bangkok. Although Bangkok was quite a contrast to anything we had previously experienced, meeting a woman fluent in English and so anxious to help us was really a sensational introduction — like being welcomed by a warm, friendly greeter into a department store in a new city.
Getting to the Trade Center we used a tuk-tuk. One website writes this about the tuk-tuk: “So named because of the sound of their engine, these are motorized rickshaws and are popular amongst tourists for their novelty value. They are occasionally faster than taxis in heavy traffic as weaving in and out is easier, but generally about the same or slower.” The website, “Into Asia” writing about tuk-tuks, also says, “they expose passengers to the high pollution levels in the middle of Bangkok's roads and offer almost no protection in case of an accident.” Despite these drawbacks, and having had the experience ourselves, any adventurous traveler to Bangkok should take a ride in a tuk-tuk.
Why should tourists take a tuk-tuk ride? First, it places you down among the locals because, with the exception of the small motorcycles and scooters, it is a common and heavily used form of transportation. Second, it offers a real look — through immersion — at the traffic congestion of which this big city is characterized. Third, you see how much the pulse of the city depends on local sidewalk vendors for you travel through sections where these vendors form the side rails of the city streets. You see the fruit and vegetable vendors, smell the charcoal grills cooking kabobs and small pieces of chicken, and absorb the pungent odors of deep fryers cooking chicken, pork, and fish. Fourth, you get — first hand — the rich mix of odors that make up the material substance and grittiness of this big, active, thriving city. Sure, there is the exhaust of the buses, trucks, and tuk-tuks, the acrid smoke from burning incense and cigarettes, the smoldering charcoal grills and deep fryers, but this is the rich, thick, penetrating flavor of this big-city’s life.
It was our second day in Bangkok when we experienced even more of the grit and texture of the city. In a metered taxi secured at the hotel, we traveled to the Grand Palace, through China Town and parts of the Old City. In China Town, there were small, open-front shops selling flashy (brilliant gold) Buddhist statues (—there is a Buddhist shrine, temple, or symbol on many street corners and 95% of Thai people are Buddhist ---), food, clothing, bolts of fabric, shoes, sandals, and all kinds of merchandise. Once again, it was as if the street was the center thoroughfare of an active and thriving bee hive with worker bees moving here and there all with purpose and a destination — except for the shop owners who sat just outside their shops drawing deeply, one after another, on their Thai cigarettes
When we arrived at the Grand Palace we were told we couldn’t see the Emerald Buddha until after noon, and because we had over an hour a fellow who could speak some English sent us to see the White Stone Buddha (located in a small monastery), then a Happy Buddha, in yet another Buddhist temple.
One thing you can say about Buddhists, and you can say it without reservation and based solely on a limited experience in a Buddhist country, the temples and houses of worship, statues, and other testaments of faith, tend to be ornate, flashy (often adorned with small pieces of mirror or bright colored tiles (usually orange, red, green, and blue). Their religious buildings and pagodas and other houses of worship are, too, ornate, with fancy, often gilded, roof extensions that bend upward to give the feeling of flight or lightness.
As we were driving by bus from Bangkok to Laem Chabang, the port closest to Bangkok, we could easily spot temples throughout the small villages.
It may reflect my limited travel experience or lack of traveling expertise, but the “gas coupon” situation was new. When we negotiated the 40-baht (about $1.25 U.S.) tuk-tuk ride (for more than 1 ½ hours), from the Grand Palace to see the White Stone and Happy Buddhas, we had no idea what we bargained for. 40 bahts was extremely cheap for both the time and distance we traveled, but there’s a catch. Because of previous agreements, numerous “high end” stores give tuk-tuk drivers gas coupons for bringing their customers to their stores.
As we entered the first of these “high end” stores, we were told by our tuk-tuk driver we had to remain for 15 minutes in a store for him to receive his coupon. When we entered the store, we were asked by an attractive hostess if we wanted a free beverage from a bar, before being ushered into a sales area. (Having encountered — endured — a similar sales situation the previous day, we refused the drink, left the establishment, and denied our tuk-tuk driver a coupon.) In the next two stores, we asked how long we needed to stay for him to get his coupon, kept close tabs on our watch, and we immediately left when we could — in just five or ten minutes.
This essay will be continued in a second essay on Bangkok — which was not planned when the original essay was written. Looking back on our entire Southeast Asia trip, both my wife and I agreed that Bangkok was our favorite city of the nine we visited. Perhaps, this is the influence of first impressions; however, it could have been our freedom (and time) to explore the city on our own, the experiences we had there, the friendly and helpful people we met, or, as I most suspect, it could have been the exciting, interesting, and obvious contrasts this big city offered.
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At Lonely Planet, there is a wonderful paragraph which support my essay, “Big City of Contrasts”: “Of the famous and infamous attractions, Bangkok’s best feature is its intermingling of opposites. A modern world of affluence orbits around a serene traditional core. Step outside the four-star hotels into a typical Siamese village where taxi drivers knock back energy drinks and upcountry transplants grill chicken on a streetside barbecue. Hop the Skytrain to the glitzy shopping malls where trust-fund babies examine luxury brands as carefully as the housewives inspect produce at the open-air markets. Or appreciate the attempts at enlightenment at the city’s famous temples and doorstep shrines, or simple acts of kindness amid the urban bustle.”
“Buddhism in Thailand: Its Past and Its Present,” is an essay by Karuna Kusalasaya that includes this comment: “Thailand is perhaps the only country in the world where the king is constitutionally stipulated to be a Buddhist and the upholder of the Faith. For centuries Buddhism has established itself in Thailand and has enriched the lives of the Thais in all their aspects. Indeed, without Buddhism, Thailand would not be what it is today.”
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Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC
It was dark when we landed at the airport, and we could see little (or nothing) during the shuttle ride from the airport to our hotel just outside the main areas of most interest (e.g., the Old City, China Town, and sights along the Chao Phraya River). After a 21-hour, 36-minute (total) series of flights (3 different aircraft) — 3 legs (Detroit-Chicago, Chicago-Tokyo, and Tokyo-Bangkok) — we were dead tired and ready to check in to our Princess-cruise arranged, Four Seasons’ Hotel, which we did around 2:00 a.m. We slept in until 9:30 a.m. the following day.
Although we were still a bit sluggish from our long trip yesterday and the day before (we lost a day in transit), we decided to spend the first half day staying fairly close to the hotel. Out on the street walking, openly using our maps for direction, and looking unclear and confused, crossing the street at the first light after leaving our hotel, a woman asked if she could help us.
We didn’t know there was a hospital on this corner where we were standing, and this helpful woman was the wife of a physician, and she was just going to meet her husband for lunch. She had a great deal of information to share, and when she heard of where we wanted to go (the Gem and Jewelry Trade Center), she recommended it. (I wrote about her and professor Chanchai in a previous essay, “Orchestrating a Sale,” so I won’t repeat it here, except to say, this was our opening experience in Bangkok. Although Bangkok was quite a contrast to anything we had previously experienced, meeting a woman fluent in English and so anxious to help us was really a sensational introduction — like being welcomed by a warm, friendly greeter into a department store in a new city.
Getting to the Trade Center we used a tuk-tuk. One website writes this about the tuk-tuk: “So named because of the sound of their engine, these are motorized rickshaws and are popular amongst tourists for their novelty value. They are occasionally faster than taxis in heavy traffic as weaving in and out is easier, but generally about the same or slower.” The website, “Into Asia”
Why should tourists take a tuk-tuk ride? First, it places you down among the locals because, with the exception of the small motorcycles and scooters, it is a common and heavily used form of transportation. Second, it offers a real look — through immersion — at the traffic congestion of which this big city is characterized. Third, you see how much the pulse of the city depends on local sidewalk vendors for you travel through sections where these vendors form the side rails of the city streets. You see the fruit and vegetable vendors, smell the charcoal grills cooking kabobs and small pieces of chicken, and absorb the pungent odors of deep fryers cooking chicken, pork, and fish. Fourth, you get — first hand — the rich mix of odors that make up the material substance and grittiness of this big, active, thriving city. Sure, there is the exhaust of the buses, trucks, and tuk-tuks, the acrid smoke from burning incense and cigarettes, the smoldering charcoal grills and deep fryers, but this is the rich, thick, penetrating flavor of this big-city’s life.
It was our second day in Bangkok when we experienced even more of the grit and texture of the city. In a metered taxi secured at the hotel, we traveled to the Grand Palace, through China Town and parts of the Old City. In China Town, there were small, open-front shops selling flashy (brilliant gold) Buddhist statues (—there is a Buddhist shrine, temple, or symbol on many street corners and 95% of Thai people are Buddhist ---), food, clothing, bolts of fabric, shoes, sandals, and all kinds of merchandise. Once again, it was as if the street was the center thoroughfare of an active and thriving bee hive with worker bees moving here and there all with purpose and a destination — except for the shop owners who sat just outside their shops drawing deeply, one after another, on their Thai cigarettes
When we arrived at the Grand Palace we were told we couldn’t see the Emerald Buddha until after noon, and because we had over an hour a fellow who could speak some English sent us to see the White Stone Buddha (located in a small monastery), then a Happy Buddha, in yet another Buddhist temple.
One thing you can say about Buddhists, and you can say it without reservation and based solely on a limited experience in a Buddhist country, the temples and houses of worship, statues, and other testaments of faith, tend to be ornate, flashy (often adorned with small pieces of mirror or bright colored tiles (usually orange, red, green, and blue). Their religious buildings and pagodas and other houses of worship are, too, ornate, with fancy, often gilded, roof extensions that bend upward to give the feeling of flight or lightness.
As we were driving by bus from Bangkok to Laem Chabang, the port closest to Bangkok, we could easily spot temples throughout the small villages.
It may reflect my limited travel experience or lack of traveling expertise, but the “gas coupon” situation was new. When we negotiated the 40-baht (about $1.25 U.S.) tuk-tuk ride (for more than 1 ½ hours), from the Grand Palace to see the White Stone and Happy Buddhas, we had no idea what we bargained for. 40 bahts was extremely cheap for both the time and distance we traveled, but there’s a catch. Because of previous agreements, numerous “high end” stores give tuk-tuk drivers gas coupons for bringing their customers to their stores.
As we entered the first of these “high end” stores, we were told by our tuk-tuk driver we had to remain for 15 minutes in a store for him to receive his coupon. When we entered the store, we were asked by an attractive hostess if we wanted a free beverage from a bar, before being ushered into a sales area. (Having encountered — endured — a similar sales situation the previous day, we refused the drink, left the establishment, and denied our tuk-tuk driver a coupon.) In the next two stores, we asked how long we needed to stay for him to get his coupon, kept close tabs on our watch, and we immediately left when we could — in just five or ten minutes.
This essay will be continued in a second essay on Bangkok — which was not planned when the original essay was written. Looking back on our entire Southeast Asia trip, both my wife and I agreed that Bangkok was our favorite city of the nine we visited. Perhaps, this is the influence of first impressions; however, it could have been our freedom (and time) to explore the city on our own, the experiences we had there, the friendly and helpful people we met, or, as I most suspect, it could have been the exciting, interesting, and obvious contrasts this big city offered.
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At Lonely Planet
“Buddhism in Thailand: Its Past and Its Present,”
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Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Proud to be an America
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Just for the fun of it, I pulled out a 20 Chinese Yuen at a cash register in a local store, and because I had just returned home from China, I told the cashier where I got the money, and she said, “You know, I’ve never had any desire to leave this country.” I responded saying, “It is a positive experience, and it makes you proud to be an American.”
Of course, I didn’t have the time to explain my statement, but what I said to the clerk made me stop and think about it. How does it make me proud to be an American?
There are three caveats regarding my comments. First, they are based on my personal perspective only. Second, they are generally based on this one experience abroad, even though I have traveled around the world, lived in Pakistan for fourteen-and-a-half months, and taught at several universities in Australia. Third, they are generalizations. They capture my feelings at this moment, within a week of my return from twenty-three days abroad.
Also, I must mention the reference base for my observations. Perrysburg, Ohio, where I have lived for more than 35 years, is a suburb of Toledo, Ohio. It is a small town where most residents are educated, literate, well-informed, and either middle or upper class.
On the 16-day cruise, my wife and I visited nine large Asian cities: Bangkok, Thailand, Singapore, Saigon and Nha Trang, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Taipai, Taiwan, Okinawa, Japan, and Shanghai and Beijing, China. Although each of these cities has qualities similar to the others, each has a unique and distinct quality all its own, and in the observations that follow, I do not want to suggest that I am grouping these cities or considering them a single entity. Grouping them is unfair. For example, there is a radical difference between all of these cities and Saigon. Singapore, too, offers a situation that is radically different from all of the others. (I have written separate essays on my experiences in each of these nine cities, and they are published elsewhere.)
Why am I proud to be an American? There is no question (in my mind) that travel abroad makes you proud to be an American, because with no experiences outside of our country, it is hard to appreciate what it is that makes us special—special enough to make me want to write about it.
The first element that makes me proud to be an American is that I can go almost anywhere in the U.S. and know that I can drink the water. I cannot believe, for example, that in Beijing, the capitol of China, where over 15 million people live, you cannot drink the water. Anywhere! The residents boil their water before drinking it, and many depend on bottled water. Even in the luxurious hotels, bottled water is provided, and you are warned not to drink it from the tap.
The second element that makes me proud to be an American is that I can go almost anywhere in the U.S., and there is little or no pollution. Of course our large cities suffer from pollution problems, but the nine cities I visited each has serious pollution problems. In Hong Kong, we never had a day when we could clearly see all the buildings. Every one of the cities we visited have heavy pollution, and Beijing (once again) is the worst polluted city in the world. Often, as you drive from the dock area into the city, you can see the cloud of smog that envelopes the city. As we approached Istanbul, a couple of years ago, the gray-yellow mass that hung over the city was obvious, thick, and covered the city like a large, dirty comforter.
The third element is litter, dirt, and poverty. I don’t want to suggest we don’t have areas of our country that are affected by litter, dirt, and poverty, but I have never seen as much of each in one place as I saw when traveling from the dock (Phu My) into Saigon. There are unlikely to be many places in the U.S. where residents use the side of the road as a dump, where residents (millions of them) live from hand-to-mouth on a daily basis, where the air is filled with swirling dust, dirt, and exhaust emissions, and where small open-front stores selling all kinds of goods, including fruit, vegetables, and other foods—and even restaurants—cannot help but be contaminated by the dirt, litter, and pollution.
In addition to Vietnam, nations such as Cambodia, Laos, Burma, and East Timor rank near the bottom of global development lists. Across Southeast Asia, more than 1 billion people live on less than $2.00 U.S. per day.
The fourth element—and this could, and perhaps should, be listed first—is our freedom. In Taiwan, we were told by our tour guide, Jan de Vries, that the people cannot own land. All the land is owned by the government, and people can only rent it. In Singapore, it is against the law to chew gum in public—and the law in this pristine, litter-free place is enforced ruthlessly. In Singapore, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Beijing, the media is owned by the government, and although things are more open today than ten or twenty years ago, free speech is limited, and there is no open political debate or discussion. If you think what you see is democracy because it looks free and open, think again: it isn’t. A political junkie like myself who enjoys the free and open discussion of politics and relishes the controversy displayed in the media would go nuts in these countries—and maybe be imprisoned.
As the fifth element (and beyond), I want to group a number of things that I observed that make me proud to be an American. I like our malls and shopping centers for their cleanliness and fixed prices; I have experienced enough dirty markets and bazaars where there are no fixed prices, where you must bargain for everything, and where hawkers grab at you, yell at you, and try to pull you into their shops. I like speaking English and enjoy interacting with people who at the very least have English as a second or third language. Although I enjoy seeing street vendors, they are rampant in Bangkok, and the local people depend on them for food and snacks. Their stalls, stands, or carts are generally dirty and poorly maintained. In the U.S. they would be banned as a health hazard. I like our sanitation and health standards. Although not always maintained as well as they could be, I love our interstates, highways, and roads. The roads in Saigon are horrendous, and the streets within most of these large cities were never constructed for the amount of traffic they bear. It is overwhelming, and in Bangkok and Saigon, motor cycles and scooters are preferred, and few drivers respect the rights of pedestrians—anywhere.
My list could go on to mention 5,000-year-old traditions and beliefs, populations density, societies that depend on class consciousness, or the garishness of religious symbols, but I want to add a final note. We enjoy traveling widely, and our trip to Southeast Asia was no exception. Just because I observed differences between cultures, does not mean I disliked anything I observed. It comes back to the old cliche: “Nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.” “While no nation is greater than another,” one writer on the Internet said when I Googled, “Proud to be an American,” “and no nationality is superior to another, I am happy to be among those who call the United States their home.” .My conclusion is simple: “It sure makes you proud to be an American.”
-----
At “The Heritage Foundation” website, the article there by Walter Lohman, “Guidelines for U.S. Policy in Southeast Asia,” (March 20, 2007), will give you phenomenal perspective and interesting insights as to why the U.S. has an interest in this particular area of the world. This article is valuable and offers an eye-opening examination of Southeast Asia.
At the website “Encyclopedia.com,” I found the following comment, which I quote here (f.y.i.), in full: “SOUTHEAST ASIA EXHIBITS TREMENDOUS CULTURAL AND RELIGIOUS diversity; all the major religions of the world can be found in the region. It is also marked by vast economic disparities. At one end of the spectrum is Singapore, which has a standard of living higher than that of Spain or Portugal. At the other end are countries like Laos and Burma (Myanmar), which are desperately poor. There is also a great deal of variety in the types of political systems that characterize the region. The Philippines is a democracy, the Republic of Vietnam a one-party state, and Brunei a semi-feudal …“ The rest of the article is available at HighBeam Research, and I did not read it.
-----
Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Just for the fun of it, I pulled out a 20 Chinese Yuen at a cash register in a local store, and because I had just returned home from China, I told the cashier where I got the money, and she said, “You know, I’ve never had any desire to leave this country.” I responded saying, “It is a positive experience, and it makes you proud to be an American.”
Of course, I didn’t have the time to explain my statement, but what I said to the clerk made me stop and think about it. How does it make me proud to be an American?
There are three caveats regarding my comments. First, they are based on my personal perspective only. Second, they are generally based on this one experience abroad, even though I have traveled around the world, lived in Pakistan for fourteen-and-a-half months, and taught at several universities in Australia. Third, they are generalizations. They capture my feelings at this moment, within a week of my return from twenty-three days abroad.
Also, I must mention the reference base for my observations. Perrysburg, Ohio, where I have lived for more than 35 years, is a suburb of Toledo, Ohio. It is a small town where most residents are educated, literate, well-informed, and either middle or upper class.
On the 16-day cruise, my wife and I visited nine large Asian cities: Bangkok, Thailand, Singapore, Saigon and Nha Trang, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Taipai, Taiwan, Okinawa, Japan, and Shanghai and Beijing, China. Although each of these cities has qualities similar to the others, each has a unique and distinct quality all its own, and in the observations that follow, I do not want to suggest that I am grouping these cities or considering them a single entity. Grouping them is unfair. For example, there is a radical difference between all of these cities and Saigon. Singapore, too, offers a situation that is radically different from all of the others. (I have written separate essays on my experiences in each of these nine cities, and they are published elsewhere.)
Why am I proud to be an American? There is no question (in my mind) that travel abroad makes you proud to be an American, because with no experiences outside of our country, it is hard to appreciate what it is that makes us special—special enough to make me want to write about it.
The first element that makes me proud to be an American is that I can go almost anywhere in the U.S. and know that I can drink the water. I cannot believe, for example, that in Beijing, the capitol of China, where over 15 million people live, you cannot drink the water. Anywhere! The residents boil their water before drinking it, and many depend on bottled water. Even in the luxurious hotels, bottled water is provided, and you are warned not to drink it from the tap.
The second element that makes me proud to be an American is that I can go almost anywhere in the U.S., and there is little or no pollution. Of course our large cities suffer from pollution problems, but the nine cities I visited each has serious pollution problems. In Hong Kong, we never had a day when we could clearly see all the buildings. Every one of the cities we visited have heavy pollution, and Beijing (once again) is the worst polluted city in the world. Often, as you drive from the dock area into the city, you can see the cloud of smog that envelopes the city. As we approached Istanbul, a couple of years ago, the gray-yellow mass that hung over the city was obvious, thick, and covered the city like a large, dirty comforter.
The third element is litter, dirt, and poverty. I don’t want to suggest we don’t have areas of our country that are affected by litter, dirt, and poverty, but I have never seen as much of each in one place as I saw when traveling from the dock (Phu My) into Saigon. There are unlikely to be many places in the U.S. where residents use the side of the road as a dump, where residents (millions of them) live from hand-to-mouth on a daily basis, where the air is filled with swirling dust, dirt, and exhaust emissions, and where small open-front stores selling all kinds of goods, including fruit, vegetables, and other foods—and even restaurants—cannot help but be contaminated by the dirt, litter, and pollution.
In addition to Vietnam, nations such as Cambodia, Laos, Burma, and East Timor rank near the bottom of global development lists. Across Southeast Asia, more than 1 billion people live on less than $2.00 U.S. per day.
The fourth element—and this could, and perhaps should, be listed first—is our freedom. In Taiwan, we were told by our tour guide, Jan de Vries, that the people cannot own land. All the land is owned by the government, and people can only rent it. In Singapore, it is against the law to chew gum in public—and the law in this pristine, litter-free place is enforced ruthlessly. In Singapore, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Beijing, the media is owned by the government, and although things are more open today than ten or twenty years ago, free speech is limited, and there is no open political debate or discussion. If you think what you see is democracy because it looks free and open, think again: it isn’t. A political junkie like myself who enjoys the free and open discussion of politics and relishes the controversy displayed in the media would go nuts in these countries—and maybe be imprisoned.
As the fifth element (and beyond), I want to group a number of things that I observed that make me proud to be an American. I like our malls and shopping centers for their cleanliness and fixed prices; I have experienced enough dirty markets and bazaars where there are no fixed prices, where you must bargain for everything, and where hawkers grab at you, yell at you, and try to pull you into their shops. I like speaking English and enjoy interacting with people who at the very least have English as a second or third language. Although I enjoy seeing street vendors, they are rampant in Bangkok, and the local people depend on them for food and snacks. Their stalls, stands, or carts are generally dirty and poorly maintained. In the U.S. they would be banned as a health hazard. I like our sanitation and health standards. Although not always maintained as well as they could be, I love our interstates, highways, and roads. The roads in Saigon are horrendous, and the streets within most of these large cities were never constructed for the amount of traffic they bear. It is overwhelming, and in Bangkok and Saigon, motor cycles and scooters are preferred, and few drivers respect the rights of pedestrians—anywhere.
My list could go on to mention 5,000-year-old traditions and beliefs, populations density, societies that depend on class consciousness, or the garishness of religious symbols, but I want to add a final note. We enjoy traveling widely, and our trip to Southeast Asia was no exception. Just because I observed differences between cultures, does not mean I disliked anything I observed. It comes back to the old cliche: “Nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.” “While no nation is greater than another,” one writer on the Internet said when I Googled, “Proud to be an American,” “and no nationality is superior to another, I am happy to be among those who call the United States their home.” .My conclusion is simple: “It sure makes you proud to be an American.”
-----
At “The Heritage Foundation” website, the article there by Walter Lohman, “Guidelines for U.S. Policy in Southeast Asia,” (March 20, 2007), will give you phenomenal perspective and interesting insights as to why the U.S. has an interest in this particular area of the world. This article is valuable and offers an eye-opening examination of Southeast Asia.
At the website “Encyclopedia.com,” I found the following comment, which I quote here (f.y.i.), in full: “SOUTHEAST ASIA EXHIBITS TREMENDOUS CULTURAL AND RELIGIOUS diversity; all the major religions of the world can be found in the region. It is also marked by vast economic disparities. At one end of the spectrum is Singapore, which has a standard of living higher than that of Spain or Portugal. At the other end are countries like Laos and Burma (Myanmar), which are desperately poor. There is also a great deal of variety in the types of political systems that characterize the region. The Philippines is a democracy, the Republic of Vietnam a one-party state, and Brunei a semi-feudal …“ The rest of the article is available at HighBeam Research, and I did not read it.
-----
Copyright March, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Relationship compatibility = Partner versatility
My wife and I took a seminar some time ago that used Wilson Learning materials, and one of the conclusions after learning about various social styles and determining our own, was that one of the key predictors of relationship success was versatility or a relationship partner’s ability to change and be variable. The more rigid or inflexible a partner was, the less likely a relationship will survive. In my mind, having a marriage that has lasted more than forty years, this appeared to be common sense. I, as it turns out, am less versatile than my wife; however, she scored as extremely versatile, and it is revealed daily at a variety of different points in our relationship.
What this doesn’t mean, and this needs to be pointed out, is that versatility is the single or only important ingredient. Untrue. Compatibility still counts. There are so many elements or factors that collide when two people form a relationship that it is impossible to predict which will become the demon element(s) and which will reinforce peace and harmony. That is why versatility is so important; it allows adjustment to devilish irritants.
Look, briefly, at what writers on the Internet have said about compatibility and in some cases, what they selected as the most important components when it comes to relationship compatibility. When you examine the components, you will quickly see that when there is agreement on major issues, topics, or ideas, relationships are more likely to be successful. No doubt about this. Look at the comments and the components.
“True compatibility doesn't have rigid lines,” writes Leon Scott Baxter, at AllExperts.com, in a response to a reader’s question under the heading, “How to strengthen your relationship,” about the meaning of compatibility. “All it means is that two people can fit well together, like pieces of a puzzle. You don't have to force the pieces to fit. You may need to use a little bit of wiggling, but really the pieces belong together. Sometimes the pieces look similar, sometimes they are totally different.” With respect to Baxter’s response, it becomes a partner’s level of versatility that determines wiggleability.
At essortment, in an essay on “Relationship: Marriage built on compatibility,” the author writes, “In a marriage you must know your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not satisfied a strain will be felt in the marriage. It is impossible to like everything your mate does, however too many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond. Those contemplating marriage need to have a two-way communication. Important matters such as whom will handle the money, where the couple will live, and what type of discipline will be used for children should be discussed prior to marriage. Couples have a tendency to wait until after marriage to talk about these matters and find themselves disagreeing.” Waiting until after marriage, too, makes exercising versatility more troublesome and difficult.
At the Online Dating Magazine, in his column, “Office hours with Dr. Jim,” Dr.James Houran, writes: “romantic partners showing strong similarity in age, political, and religious attitudes; moderate similarity in education, general intelligence, and values; and little or no similarity in personality characteristics [are more likely to have strong relationships.]” He ends his essay with the following comment, “The bottom line is that relationships are held together over time because of compatibility, not chemistry, passion, love style, sex type or dating persona. Compatibility is a psychological concept, not an inherently hard-wired and unconscious phenomenon between two people that stems from uncontrollable chemical reactions in the brain. “
Sandra Fisher writes in her essay, “Compatibility in Relationships,” at her website, Graphic Insight , that the following are important ingredients in compatibility: 1) Emotional responsiveness. 2) Physical energy. 3) Intensity of feeling. 4) Self-esteem. 5) Social attitude, and 6) Manner of handling conflict. “The way you behave in an argument reveals a great deal about your personality,” writes Fisher. “This is a big test for compatibility. If for example you regularly remain silent and introverted while your partner rants and raves — it could spell trouble for the long-term health of your relationship,” she says.
Once you and your partner come as close as possible on important components of compatibility, then it depends on your versatility — your flexibility and willingness to adjust. Improving versatility reduces tension in relationships and enables people to focus efficiently on daily tasks and the work to be done. Partners who remain versatile, flexible, and nimble will benefit their relationship. This versatility helps them resolve problems — even though clear-cut answers may be impossible to find. Effective partners know how to handle uncertainty by drawing on their experience and the experience of their partner. They are able to notice and analyze important issues in complex matters, track down answers, and resolve issues in mutually compatible and satisfying ways.
In an essay entitled, “Versatile Leadership,” by Dr. Michael Leimbach, vice president of research and design for Wilson Learning Worldwide, concludes his essay by saying, “Employees don’t leave companies; they leave managers! . . .Versatility is the key. . . . A manager who is sensitive to the style of his or her employees, and takes steps to adjust his or her behavior to meet the needs of employees, will communicate more clearly and establish a more trusting relationship.” It is that adjustment feature that becomes important in versatility — whether in business or in relationships.
A partner in a relationship is little different than a manager in this case. Versatility is the key. It is, indeed, versatility that helps partners understand each other, experience less frustration with poor and stressful communication, communicate more effectively and persuasively, and increase their relationship effectiveness.
-----
At SearchYourLove, a case is developed for promoting similarity between partners as the key to compatibility. The author says, “Incompatibility remains the strongest factor contributing to breakups. Psychologists have discovered that there are certain types of incompatible relationships that are doomed to fail from the start. We call these Incompatible Relationships.” Five types are discussed. Then the author examines three types of compatible relationships and ends the essay saying, “What does it mean to be compatible? Well, similarities between people make life together much simpler. Being together involves compromise, and people can reach these compromises more easily when they share common values and inter ests. Sure, sometimes opposites can attract, but for a stable relationship bet on similarity.”
Krista Bloom, at Ezine@rticles, in an essay entitled, “The Compatibility Factor in Relationships - Seven Signs That You Are Right for Each Other (Or Wrong),” mentions: 1) personality, 2) communication, 3) friends and family, 4) health and nutrition, 5) financial, 6) educational, and 7) intimate compatibility. Bloom concludes saying, “If you are in the dating and selection process, it is much more effective to choose a compatible partner now than it is to "fix" something that is "broken" later. Don't be afraid to let go if things are not working out. Sometimes love really is just not enough. Don't worry, there are millions of singles in the world to choose from, and you can find one that is compatible with you!”
-----
Copyright February 2011 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
What this doesn’t mean, and this needs to be pointed out, is that versatility is the single or only important ingredient. Untrue. Compatibility still counts. There are so many elements or factors that collide when two people form a relationship that it is impossible to predict which will become the demon element(s) and which will reinforce peace and harmony. That is why versatility is so important; it allows adjustment to devilish irritants.
Look, briefly, at what writers on the Internet have said about compatibility and in some cases, what they selected as the most important components when it comes to relationship compatibility. When you examine the components, you will quickly see that when there is agreement on major issues, topics, or ideas, relationships are more likely to be successful. No doubt about this. Look at the comments and the components.
“True compatibility doesn't have rigid lines,” writes Leon Scott Baxter, at AllExperts.com, in a response to a reader’s question under the heading, “How to strengthen your relationship,” about the meaning of compatibility. “All it means is that two people can fit well together, like pieces of a puzzle. You don't have to force the pieces to fit. You may need to use a little bit of wiggling, but really the pieces belong together. Sometimes the pieces look similar, sometimes they are totally different.” With respect to Baxter’s response, it becomes a partner’s level of versatility that determines wiggleability.
At essortment, in an essay on “Relationship: Marriage built on compatibility,” the author writes, “In a marriage you must know your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not satisfied a strain will be felt in the marriage. It is impossible to like everything your mate does, however too many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond. Those contemplating marriage need to have a two-way communication. Important matters such as whom will handle the money, where the couple will live, and what type of discipline will be used for children should be discussed prior to marriage. Couples have a tendency to wait until after marriage to talk about these matters and find themselves disagreeing.” Waiting until after marriage, too, makes exercising versatility more troublesome and difficult.
At the Online Dating Magazine, in his column, “Office hours with Dr. Jim,” Dr.James Houran, writes: “romantic partners showing strong similarity in age, political, and religious attitudes; moderate similarity in education, general intelligence, and values; and little or no similarity in personality characteristics [are more likely to have strong relationships.]” He ends his essay with the following comment, “The bottom line is that relationships are held together over time because of compatibility, not chemistry, passion, love style, sex type or dating persona. Compatibility is a psychological concept, not an inherently hard-wired and unconscious phenomenon between two people that stems from uncontrollable chemical reactions in the brain. “
Sandra Fisher writes in her essay, “Compatibility in Relationships,” at her website, Graphic Insight , that the following are important ingredients in compatibility: 1) Emotional responsiveness. 2) Physical energy. 3) Intensity of feeling. 4) Self-esteem. 5) Social attitude, and 6) Manner of handling conflict. “The way you behave in an argument reveals a great deal about your personality,” writes Fisher. “This is a big test for compatibility. If for example you regularly remain silent and introverted while your partner rants and raves — it could spell trouble for the long-term health of your relationship,” she says.
Once you and your partner come as close as possible on important components of compatibility, then it depends on your versatility — your flexibility and willingness to adjust. Improving versatility reduces tension in relationships and enables people to focus efficiently on daily tasks and the work to be done. Partners who remain versatile, flexible, and nimble will benefit their relationship. This versatility helps them resolve problems — even though clear-cut answers may be impossible to find. Effective partners know how to handle uncertainty by drawing on their experience and the experience of their partner. They are able to notice and analyze important issues in complex matters, track down answers, and resolve issues in mutually compatible and satisfying ways.
In an essay entitled, “Versatile Leadership,” by Dr. Michael Leimbach, vice president of research and design for Wilson Learning Worldwide, concludes his essay by saying, “Employees don’t leave companies; they leave managers! . . .Versatility is the key. . . . A manager who is sensitive to the style of his or her employees, and takes steps to adjust his or her behavior to meet the needs of employees, will communicate more clearly and establish a more trusting relationship.” It is that adjustment feature that becomes important in versatility — whether in business or in relationships.
A partner in a relationship is little different than a manager in this case. Versatility is the key. It is, indeed, versatility that helps partners understand each other, experience less frustration with poor and stressful communication, communicate more effectively and persuasively, and increase their relationship effectiveness.
-----
At SearchYourLove, a case is developed for promoting similarity between partners as the key to compatibility. The author says, “Incompatibility remains the strongest factor contributing to breakups. Psychologists have discovered that there are certain types of incompatible relationships that are doomed to fail from the start. We call these Incompatible Relationships.” Five types are discussed. Then the author examines three types of compatible relationships and ends the essay saying, “What does it mean to be compatible? Well, similarities between people make life together much simpler. Being together involves compromise, and people can reach these compromises more easily when they share common values and inter ests. Sure, sometimes opposites can attract, but for a stable relationship bet on similarity.”
Krista Bloom, at Ezine@rticles, in an essay entitled, “The Compatibility Factor in Relationships - Seven Signs That You Are Right for Each Other (Or Wrong),” mentions: 1) personality, 2) communication, 3) friends and family, 4) health and nutrition, 5) financial, 6) educational, and 7) intimate compatibility. Bloom concludes saying, “If you are in the dating and selection process, it is much more effective to choose a compatible partner now than it is to "fix" something that is "broken" later. Don't be afraid to let go if things are not working out. Sometimes love really is just not enough. Don't worry, there are millions of singles in the world to choose from, and you can find one that is compatible with you!”
-----
Copyright February 2011 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Don't let the shine rub off
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
As I write these words (at the end of the first week of February), over one-third of those who made a New Year’s resolution have already broken them. According to John C. Norcross, a professor of psychology at the University of Scranton, six months after January 1st, 46% of those who make them will not have fulfilled them, and FranklinCovey, based on a poll of 15,000 customers, claims that 80% of those making resolutions will break them. So, how long does it take for the shine of a new resolution to rub off?
Whether you want to spend more time with family and friends, become more fit, tame your bulge, quit smoking, enjoy life more, quit drinking, get out of debt or save more, learn something new, help others, or get organized (the top ten New Year’s resolutions according to General Nutrition Centers and Quicken), you need to realize that each of these requires a lifestyle change—that is, the formation of a new habit. How long does it take for the shine of the desire for such a change rub off? At PsychCentral the answer is less than 66 days. Why 66 days? Because that’s how long it takes for a new habit to take hold, and most people are not that patient or committed.
Sixty-six days! These are not days made up of hopes, dreams, and desires—although these can help drive action. These are not days of laziness and leisure. Rather, these are days of knowing precisely what you want, making a list of the benefits of your new habit, committing yourself to the new habit, setting goals and rewarding yourself for accomplishing them, starting slowly then making the goals larger as you adapt to the habit. This is intense, focused, ongoing effort—and that’s why most people are not good at keeping up the shine.
The most popular (and lucrative) time to sell gym memberships and exercise equipment is during the early weeks of January—while the shine is bright. Check out the advertisements, and note the deals offered on various kinds of exercise equipment during January.
If you want a practical example close to home, notice how long it takes after purchasing a new car, new tool, or other piece of equipment for you to stop keeping it as clean as you did just after purchase. How long did it take for the shine to rub off?
People in general are not very good at keeping up the shine—the desire for change, the enthusiasm for a new purchase, or the eagerness to maintain an impression—and it doesn’t just apply to resolutions.
Most would agree, for example, that the time during courting when the shine is the brightest is the infatuation stage. How long before the infatuation stage ends? “Psychologists say 3 to 18 months. They contend that after 18 months, if things go well, it develops into a less intense, but richer 'companionate love'”—or it doesn’t. When the intensity and fervency of infatuation ends, often the “real person” is revealed. That is, the hair comes down, and the traits and characteristics hidden—in many cases purposely—by the obsession of infatuation, become more obvious—“true colors” exposed; the shine rubbed off! When the shine is no longer there, sometimes instead of the romance moving forward, as the infatuation stage was designed to bring forth, the romance fades, and the relationship dissolves.
How about “shine” in the area of medicine? From the web site JSTOR, at a site called “Patient Information,” Ruth Merkatz and Mary Pat Conig have an essay entitled, “Helping America Take Its Medicine.” They begin their essay by citing a study completed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Researchers there discovered that between 30% and 50% of Americans do not follow their drug regimens properly. The researchers note as well, that 10% of all hospital admissions result from inadequate compliance. Why is it that even in the matter of one’s health, when a pill regimen is prescribed by a medical doctor, patients let the shine rub off?
Other times when “maintaining a shine” is important would be in employment interviews, meeting people for the first time who you know you’ll be meeting again, establishing new contacts in a community or neighborhood, as a salesperson who is looking for repeat business, and anytime, obviously, when a long-term relationship of some kind is important. There is always a difference, of course, between a private and a public persona, but this—maintaining a shine----goes well beyond that. It has to do with sustaining a good impression, the newness of a recently purchased product, or even the kind of change as resolutions are designed to bring about.
Because maintaining a shine presents a unique situation for each person, universal guidelines for sustaining “shine” are difficult to offer, but there are a number of suggestions that can be made. There is no reason that anyone needs to let the shine rub off in any situation—if that is what they really want.
First, you must avoid former behaviors and keep up new behaviors. If you can do this, even in the short term, you will become more assured that you will be able to continue the change.
If you are trying to maintain a new behavior, you must look for ways to avoid temptation. Replace old habits with more positive actions, and be certain to reward yourself when you successfully avoid relapses. If you do lapse, don’t be hard on yourself or give up. Remind yourself that it was just a minor setback. Relapses are common and are part of the process of making significant, long-term changes.
The best way you have to maintain the shine is to engage in frequent self-monitoring. How badly do you really want to do it? If your commitment is genuine, then spend the time necessary to check on your progress, keep an eye on your emotions, and reinforce your intention, purpose, and goals.
At the Time/CNN web site, Maia Szalavitz, in her essay, “How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions: Advice from the Experts,” writes: “ . . . recognize that willpower is like a muscle — it gets stronger with appropriate use but ultimately weakens if overloaded” . . . set “short-term goals that are moderately difficult, realistic, concrete and measurable” . . . start “at a level that is challenging but not overwhelming [to] provide a sense of achievement and success — which can give you the drive to take on bigger challenges.” That is, not only do you not need to let the shine rub off, but you can polish it to an even higher level of shine!
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At the Time/CNN web site Maia Szalavitz, in her essay, “How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions: Advice from the Experts,” offers a number of valuable suggestions. Szalavitz ends her essay saying, “Rather than obsessing about what you shouldn't be doing, think about things you should, experts say. The distraction will help you curb bad habits. "Focus on your higher goals and positive activities, things that both sustain you and fill your life," says Peele. If you regularly engage in meaningful activities that give you pleasure — whether it's visiting friends, picking up a hobby, taking a class or doing volunteer work (one of the most overlooked sources of personal joy and meaning is helping others) — you'll simply have less time to crave or engage in the behavior that you want to reduce.”
At the Mahalo web site, there are five specific suggestions for “How to Keep New Year’s Resolutions,” that are practical and worthwhile.
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Copyright February, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing LLC.
As I write these words (at the end of the first week of February), over one-third of those who made a New Year’s resolution have already broken them. According to John C. Norcross, a professor of psychology at the University of Scranton, six months after January 1st, 46% of those who make them will not have fulfilled them, and FranklinCovey, based on a poll of 15,000 customers, claims that 80% of those making resolutions will break them. So, how long does it take for the shine of a new resolution to rub off?
Whether you want to spend more time with family and friends, become more fit, tame your bulge, quit smoking, enjoy life more, quit drinking, get out of debt or save more, learn something new, help others, or get organized (the top ten New Year’s resolutions according to General Nutrition Centers and Quicken), you need to realize that each of these requires a lifestyle change—that is, the formation of a new habit. How long does it take for the shine of the desire for such a change rub off? At PsychCentral the answer is less than 66 days. Why 66 days? Because that’s how long it takes for a new habit to take hold, and most people are not that patient or committed.
Sixty-six days! These are not days made up of hopes, dreams, and desires—although these can help drive action. These are not days of laziness and leisure. Rather, these are days of knowing precisely what you want, making a list of the benefits of your new habit, committing yourself to the new habit, setting goals and rewarding yourself for accomplishing them, starting slowly then making the goals larger as you adapt to the habit. This is intense, focused, ongoing effort—and that’s why most people are not good at keeping up the shine.
The most popular (and lucrative) time to sell gym memberships and exercise equipment is during the early weeks of January—while the shine is bright. Check out the advertisements, and note the deals offered on various kinds of exercise equipment during January.
If you want a practical example close to home, notice how long it takes after purchasing a new car, new tool, or other piece of equipment for you to stop keeping it as clean as you did just after purchase. How long did it take for the shine to rub off?
People in general are not very good at keeping up the shine—the desire for change, the enthusiasm for a new purchase, or the eagerness to maintain an impression—and it doesn’t just apply to resolutions.
Most would agree, for example, that the time during courting when the shine is the brightest is the infatuation stage. How long before the infatuation stage ends? “Psychologists say 3 to 18 months. They contend that after 18 months, if things go well, it develops into a less intense, but richer 'companionate love'”—or it doesn’t. When the intensity and fervency of infatuation ends, often the “real person” is revealed. That is, the hair comes down, and the traits and characteristics hidden—in many cases purposely—by the obsession of infatuation, become more obvious—“true colors” exposed; the shine rubbed off! When the shine is no longer there, sometimes instead of the romance moving forward, as the infatuation stage was designed to bring forth, the romance fades, and the relationship dissolves.
How about “shine” in the area of medicine? From the web site JSTOR, at a site called “Patient Information,” Ruth Merkatz and Mary Pat Conig have an essay entitled, “Helping America Take Its Medicine.” They begin their essay by citing a study completed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Researchers there discovered that between 30% and 50% of Americans do not follow their drug regimens properly. The researchers note as well, that 10% of all hospital admissions result from inadequate compliance. Why is it that even in the matter of one’s health, when a pill regimen is prescribed by a medical doctor, patients let the shine rub off?
Other times when “maintaining a shine” is important would be in employment interviews, meeting people for the first time who you know you’ll be meeting again, establishing new contacts in a community or neighborhood, as a salesperson who is looking for repeat business, and anytime, obviously, when a long-term relationship of some kind is important. There is always a difference, of course, between a private and a public persona, but this—maintaining a shine----goes well beyond that. It has to do with sustaining a good impression, the newness of a recently purchased product, or even the kind of change as resolutions are designed to bring about.
Because maintaining a shine presents a unique situation for each person, universal guidelines for sustaining “shine” are difficult to offer, but there are a number of suggestions that can be made. There is no reason that anyone needs to let the shine rub off in any situation—if that is what they really want.
First, you must avoid former behaviors and keep up new behaviors. If you can do this, even in the short term, you will become more assured that you will be able to continue the change.
If you are trying to maintain a new behavior, you must look for ways to avoid temptation. Replace old habits with more positive actions, and be certain to reward yourself when you successfully avoid relapses. If you do lapse, don’t be hard on yourself or give up. Remind yourself that it was just a minor setback. Relapses are common and are part of the process of making significant, long-term changes.
The best way you have to maintain the shine is to engage in frequent self-monitoring. How badly do you really want to do it? If your commitment is genuine, then spend the time necessary to check on your progress, keep an eye on your emotions, and reinforce your intention, purpose, and goals.
At the Time/CNN web site, Maia Szalavitz, in her essay, “How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions: Advice from the Experts,” writes: “ . . . recognize that willpower is like a muscle — it gets stronger with appropriate use but ultimately weakens if overloaded” . . . set “short-term goals that are moderately difficult, realistic, concrete and measurable” . . . start “at a level that is challenging but not overwhelming [to] provide a sense of achievement and success — which can give you the drive to take on bigger challenges.” That is, not only do you not need to let the shine rub off, but you can polish it to an even higher level of shine!
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At the Time/CNN web site
At the Mahalo web site
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Copyright February, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing LLC.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
It all boils down to self-efficacy
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
For much of my life I have thought that growth, development, and change all depend on a single element: self-discipline. On January 6, 2009, as I was sitting at the dining-room table reading The New York Times page on “Health," in an article by Tara Parker-Pope entitled, “If You Find the Motivation, Exercise Follows,” I discovered the underlying key to self-discipline. It revealed itself, and I was astounded I hadn’t thought of it much sooner. It all boils down to self-efficacy.
Parker-Pope discusses the purchase of exercise machines — so common at this time of year, and in the essay, she says, “...having home equipment is not the most important factor. What matters more is ‘self-efficacy’ — a deep-seated belief that we really do have the power to achieve our goals” (p. D5).
It is, indeed, self-efficacy that secures “your confidence in your ability to stick to your exercise program when you’re on vacation, when you’re not feeling well, when you’re busy.” Because I exercise early in the morning (before it gets light outside), I must get up between 3 and 4 a.m. Inevitably the question becomes, “Do I really want to leave the warmth, softness, and comfort of this wonderful bed to stretch my sleepy body, push my muscles to their limit, and jog three miles in sub-freezing cold?” It’s true that I, just as inevitably, answer the question positively each time it arises, but the question I seldom ask is, “What is it that causes me to answer this way?” I have always thought it was self-discipline, but clearly it is something rooted much deeper — a belief in my own ability to do whatever it is that I set out to do. It is self-efficacy.
There are four main factors that affect the self-efficacy that I demonstrate, according to an essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” by Shannon Clark at HubPages. They include 1) actual experience, 2) vicarious experience, 3) verbal persuasion, and 4) the emotional and physiological states I find myself in.
With respect to my actual experience, I have to admit that I am a creature of habit. I have written about how my habit of writing developed in my essay, “On Being a Writer — An Irresistible Compulsion!." When it comes to self-efficacy it is just such experiences that determine your ability at any given time. Do you persevere in the face of challenges, or do you give up? Do you consistently find yourself determined to fulfill your resolutions, or do you forget about them?
Vicarious experience plays a role as well. What do you see others doing? For example, if you surround yourself with successful dieters, the chances for your success increase. If you have friends who exercise regularly, chances are you will, too, especially if you accompany each other. Vicarious experiences can be absorbed from the programs you watch on television or the books you read as well. What you must remember, however, is doing the best you can given your own circumstances and limitations — and not judging yourself based on standards others use.
Verbal persuasion is a combination of all the talk that goes on around you when you are dieting, exercising, and completing projects. As a writer, I remember the positive things people would say after reading an article, chapter, essay, or book, and their comments served as verbal persuasion to continue what I was doing. I have often heard others remark on my ability to maintain my workouts, and there is no doubt they further enhance my motivation.
The emotional and physiological states I find myself in have an effect on my self-efficacy, too. One element that continually pushes me toward the completion of my goals is my feeling of self-control over situations. I not only want to be in control, but of most situations I encounter, I feel I am in control. When I feel as though I am absolutely starving, and I am trying to maintain a diet, I think about how important it is to maintain my weight. I don’t like it when my clothes feel tight, and I don’t like my doctor recording a weight with which I am unhappy. Diet, weight, exercise, and writing are all processes important to me and over which I exert control.
It is my belief in self-efficacy that gives me control of the events that affect my life! It is what determines how I feel, think, and behave. It makes me feel better about myself, more powerful, and in control.
It is self-efficacy that helps us manage illnesses. Illness is a challenge to be mastered not a threat to be avoided. It is self-efficacy that allows us not just to set goals, but to stay committed to them and not give up if we make mistakes. It is self-efficacy that assists us in bouncing back from failures. It is self-efficacy that permits us to overcome our own weaknesses and provides the confidence that we can eventually succeed. When we don’t give up, and when we begin to feel a sense of our own power and control, that is when self-efficacy is most noticeable.
In Thomas Creer’s essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” at the website, Manage Your Illness, he underscores the same four ways to develop self-efficacy that Clark writes about. First, engage in mastery experiences. “Successes,” writes Creer, “build a belief in your personal efficacy. Failures undermine it, especially if they occur before we have established a sense of efficacy.” Once you are convinced you have what it takes to succeed, you will persevere in the face of adversity and rebound from setbacks. Second, says Creer, observe others. Find models similar to yourself. “The greater the similarity between models and ourselves,” he writes, “the more persuasive their successes and failures are to us.” Third, Creer writes, is social persuasion. “To the extent that persuasion leads us to try to succeed, it promotes the development of skills and a sense of personal efficacy.” A valuable aspect of social persuasion is structuring situations in ways that will bring success and avoiding situations where failure is likely.
The fourth and final method for developing self-efficacy is reliance on your gut feelings and emotional states in judging your capabilities. For example, can you interpret your own stress reactions and tension as signs you may perform poorly? Can you read the signals of fatigue, aches, and pains as signs of physical weakness? Do you have positive feelings regarding a potentially challenging situation? “People with a high sense of efficacy,” Creer writes, “are likely to view arousal as a facilitator of performance.”
The point of this essay is to demonstrate how to develop self-efficacy. Since it is so important, I wrote about the same four methods from the point of view of two writers. Of course, it is easier said than done, however, awareness of how to achieve it is the first stage of developing it. People who are successful have self-efficacy.
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This essay entitled “Self-efficacy,” is written by P. A. Heslin and U. C. Klehe, in 2006, and it can be found in the Encyclopedia of Industrial/Organizational Psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 705-708), and is published by Sage. I mention it here because the authors first explain its nature, how it affects performance and well-being, how it is measured, sources of self-efficacy, how it can be undermined, and what happens when there is too much of a good thing.
At TheFreeLibrary.com website, the essay by Felicia Saffold is entitled, “Increasing self-efficacy through mentoring.,” in which she reports the results of a study: “This study focuses on the benefits for eight teacher mentors in an urban school district. Results indicate that the mentors' self-efficacy grew stronger as they interacted with new teachers.” This study is simply one more piece of evidence that supports the value of self-efficacy: “Teachers' self-efficacy beliefs strongly influence their teaching. The stronger the sense of efficacy that a teacher has, the greater the effort, persistence, and resilience he will demonstrate in his teaching.”
-----
Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
For much of my life I have thought that growth, development, and change all depend on a single element: self-discipline. On January 6, 2009, as I was sitting at the dining-room table reading The New York Times page on “Health," in an article by Tara Parker-Pope entitled, “If You Find the Motivation, Exercise Follows,” I discovered the underlying key to self-discipline. It revealed itself, and I was astounded I hadn’t thought of it much sooner. It all boils down to self-efficacy.
Parker-Pope discusses the purchase of exercise machines — so common at this time of year, and in the essay, she says, “...having home equipment is not the most important factor. What matters more is ‘self-efficacy’ — a deep-seated belief that we really do have the power to achieve our goals” (p. D5).
It is, indeed, self-efficacy that secures “your confidence in your ability to stick to your exercise program when you’re on vacation, when you’re not feeling well, when you’re busy.” Because I exercise early in the morning (before it gets light outside), I must get up between 3 and 4 a.m. Inevitably the question becomes, “Do I really want to leave the warmth, softness, and comfort of this wonderful bed to stretch my sleepy body, push my muscles to their limit, and jog three miles in sub-freezing cold?” It’s true that I, just as inevitably, answer the question positively each time it arises, but the question I seldom ask is, “What is it that causes me to answer this way?” I have always thought it was self-discipline, but clearly it is something rooted much deeper — a belief in my own ability to do whatever it is that I set out to do. It is self-efficacy.
There are four main factors that affect the self-efficacy that I demonstrate, according to an essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” by Shannon Clark at HubPages. They include 1) actual experience, 2) vicarious experience, 3) verbal persuasion, and 4) the emotional and physiological states I find myself in.
With respect to my actual experience, I have to admit that I am a creature of habit. I have written about how my habit of writing developed in my essay, “On Being a Writer — An Irresistible Compulsion!." When it comes to self-efficacy it is just such experiences that determine your ability at any given time. Do you persevere in the face of challenges, or do you give up? Do you consistently find yourself determined to fulfill your resolutions, or do you forget about them?
Vicarious experience plays a role as well. What do you see others doing? For example, if you surround yourself with successful dieters, the chances for your success increase. If you have friends who exercise regularly, chances are you will, too, especially if you accompany each other. Vicarious experiences can be absorbed from the programs you watch on television or the books you read as well. What you must remember, however, is doing the best you can given your own circumstances and limitations — and not judging yourself based on standards others use.
Verbal persuasion is a combination of all the talk that goes on around you when you are dieting, exercising, and completing projects. As a writer, I remember the positive things people would say after reading an article, chapter, essay, or book, and their comments served as verbal persuasion to continue what I was doing. I have often heard others remark on my ability to maintain my workouts, and there is no doubt they further enhance my motivation.
The emotional and physiological states I find myself in have an effect on my self-efficacy, too. One element that continually pushes me toward the completion of my goals is my feeling of self-control over situations. I not only want to be in control, but of most situations I encounter, I feel I am in control. When I feel as though I am absolutely starving, and I am trying to maintain a diet, I think about how important it is to maintain my weight. I don’t like it when my clothes feel tight, and I don’t like my doctor recording a weight with which I am unhappy. Diet, weight, exercise, and writing are all processes important to me and over which I exert control.
It is my belief in self-efficacy that gives me control of the events that affect my life! It is what determines how I feel, think, and behave. It makes me feel better about myself, more powerful, and in control.
It is self-efficacy that helps us manage illnesses. Illness is a challenge to be mastered not a threat to be avoided. It is self-efficacy that allows us not just to set goals, but to stay committed to them and not give up if we make mistakes. It is self-efficacy that assists us in bouncing back from failures. It is self-efficacy that permits us to overcome our own weaknesses and provides the confidence that we can eventually succeed. When we don’t give up, and when we begin to feel a sense of our own power and control, that is when self-efficacy is most noticeable.
In Thomas Creer’s essay, “The Importance of Self-Efficacy,” at the website, Manage Your Illness, he underscores the same four ways to develop self-efficacy that Clark writes about. First, engage in mastery experiences. “Successes,” writes Creer, “build a belief in your personal efficacy. Failures undermine it, especially if they occur before we have established a sense of efficacy.” Once you are convinced you have what it takes to succeed, you will persevere in the face of adversity and rebound from setbacks. Second, says Creer, observe others. Find models similar to yourself. “The greater the similarity between models and ourselves,” he writes, “the more persuasive their successes and failures are to us.” Third, Creer writes, is social persuasion. “To the extent that persuasion leads us to try to succeed, it promotes the development of skills and a sense of personal efficacy.” A valuable aspect of social persuasion is structuring situations in ways that will bring success and avoiding situations where failure is likely.
The fourth and final method for developing self-efficacy is reliance on your gut feelings and emotional states in judging your capabilities. For example, can you interpret your own stress reactions and tension as signs you may perform poorly? Can you read the signals of fatigue, aches, and pains as signs of physical weakness? Do you have positive feelings regarding a potentially challenging situation? “People with a high sense of efficacy,” Creer writes, “are likely to view arousal as a facilitator of performance.”
The point of this essay is to demonstrate how to develop self-efficacy. Since it is so important, I wrote about the same four methods from the point of view of two writers. Of course, it is easier said than done, however, awareness of how to achieve it is the first stage of developing it. People who are successful have self-efficacy.
-----
This essay entitled “Self-efficacy,” is written by P. A. Heslin and U. C. Klehe, in 2006, and it can be found in the Encyclopedia of Industrial/Organizational Psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 705-708), and is published by Sage. I mention it here because the authors first explain its nature, how it affects performance and well-being, how it is measured, sources of self-efficacy, how it can be undermined, and what happens when there is too much of a good thing.
At TheFreeLibrary.com website, the essay by Felicia Saffold is entitled, “Increasing self-efficacy through mentoring.,” in which she reports the results of a study: “This study focuses on the benefits for eight teacher mentors in an urban school district. Results indicate that the mentors' self-efficacy grew stronger as they interacted with new teachers.” This study is simply one more piece of evidence that supports the value of self-efficacy: “Teachers' self-efficacy beliefs strongly influence their teaching. The stronger the sense of efficacy that a teacher has, the greater the effort, persistence, and resilience he will demonstrate in his teaching.”
-----
Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
If you want to change you must be open-minded
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I was talking with a religious conservative, and when I suggested a number of problems with religious conservatism, this person stopped in mid-discussion to say, “Don’t go there. I am very proud of my religion, and I don’t accept anyone attacking it.” Mine was not an attack; rather, it was expressing some personal concerns I had, and the purpose was not to change the person but simply to make him aware of my concerns.
Here was a person, as I quickly discovered, entirely satisfied, not eager to make any changes in either thought or behavior, and unwilling to hear ideas contrary to his set of beliefs that came from his parents and the parents of his parents.I have no problem with people who are secure in their beliefs, but I do have a problem with those who are unwilling to listen. Also, I have a problem with people who are unwilling to explore and discover new ideas.
The problem comes first from apathy and contentment, “I like the way I am, and I have no interest in or reason to change.” The problem comes, second, from laziness. “If I don’t want to change in any way, why should I listen to ideas contrary to my own?”
Let’s consider a bigger problem than religious conservatism. Let’s take an example, instead, of a weak self-concept. The reason this can become a problem has to do with the relationship of self-concept and perception. A weak self-concept weakens your flexibility. For example, with stronger self-confidence, you will have a sturdy base of operations — more strength and confidence in your ability to anticipate, assess, and evaluate situations.
Second, with more accurate perceptions you will increase your repertoire of available skills and behaviors; thus you will have more from which to select and, likely, more accuracy and precision in their application. What it comes down to is your ability to face new situations. What you need are more tools in your toolbox. It comes down to the age-old aphorism that when all you have in the world is a hammer, every problem you encounter looks like a nail. This is black-and-white thinking that eliminates all shades of gray from your base of operations. A strong self-concept permits shades of gray
What is important to know with respect to strengthening your self-concept is that it doesn’t take much change to influence your communication and life. The starting point for change can be just as soon as you want it to be, and you will notice the results immediately. But, it is also important to know that nothing at all will change if you are closed-minded, reluctant, and hesitant or full of fear, doubt, and concern.
For many people, it isn’t necessarily fear, doubt, and concern, it is that you either think you know everything you need to know, or you think there is no need or room for improvement. Another possible problem is that you know that a change in your self-concept may require other changes, new behaviors, actions you cannot anticipate, and an unknown set of problems that you are just not ready or willing to take on.
All of these are legitimate concerns; however, the fact is some change is going to occur whether you like it or not. To be open to change is more likely to prepare you for anything that might happen — the anticipated and unanticipated alike. What this requires is open-mindedness.
“The trait of open-mindedness is best understood as a disposition, rather than an occurrent state of mind. It's not about what beliefs you actually have, but how open you are to revising them in appropriate circumstances. It requires the true humility of self-acknowledged fallibility. It requires that our minds be open to new evidence. But this is something very different from suggesting that we should be equally accepting of nonsense as we are of sense. That's not open-mindedness; it's gullibility, or perhaps stupidity,” writes the author of the blog at Philosophy, et cetera.
Open-mindedness requires that you be open to new findings and understandings, and you must be open to options, alternatives, and possible new choices. It can be a great journey, but without a commitment from you, there’s likely to be no journey at all — just words on a page or ideas that travel in one ear and out the other — if, indeed, they get that far.
“Can we will ourselves to change?” Joann Ellison Rodgers asks, then answers her own question in her article “Altered Ego: The New View of Personality Change.” “Yes,” says Rodgers, “especially if we think we can. . . . The power of belief is the key.”
But it goes much further than the power of belief alone. That, of course, is a starting point, and it is a good starting point. With the power of belief operating at full tilt, it is more likely that you will be able to embrace the ideas of others. This boils down to one absolute essential: respect.
In practical terms what you can do when others speak is to avoid looking for points to disagree with. Rather, take a completely different tact: look for ideas to increase your wisdom. Realize that everyone has something to offer you. It comes back to the example of the religious conservative with which I opened this essay. I love Chuck Gallozzi’s quotation, “The open-minded see the truth in different things, but the narrow-minded see only the differences,” found at his website personal-development.com in an essay, “Being Open-Minded. It is as Gallozzi expresses it, “We need our differences. For they provide us with more options and possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.”
The second thing you can do is abandon your need to be right. By doing so, according to Gallozzi, you turn power over to others and “grant them the right to be themselves.” It is a matter of acting generously and to quote Gallozzi once again, “One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift.”
These two changes, respect for others and abandoning your need to be right, are easier said than done because your current behavior is based on entrenched habits. If you can believe that you can change, the results of open mindedness — stronger self-concept, more well-rounded personality, acceptance and respect by others — are worth any effort you devote to change.
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At the website, Affirmations For Positive Thinking/Creating Power (How you can create the life you want), there are a number of motivational essays that are interesting and fun to read. Please note, this is a sales website; however, that does not deny the potential value of the essays.
Here is an excellent essay, “Is it good to be open-minded?” by William Hare of
Mount St. Vincent University that includes 42 footnotes. Yes, it is a bit long, but it is comprehensive, interesting, and worth a read.
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Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
I was talking with a religious conservative, and when I suggested a number of problems with religious conservatism, this person stopped in mid-discussion to say, “Don’t go there. I am very proud of my religion, and I don’t accept anyone attacking it.” Mine was not an attack; rather, it was expressing some personal concerns I had, and the purpose was not to change the person but simply to make him aware of my concerns.
Here was a person, as I quickly discovered, entirely satisfied, not eager to make any changes in either thought or behavior, and unwilling to hear ideas contrary to his set of beliefs that came from his parents and the parents of his parents.I have no problem with people who are secure in their beliefs, but I do have a problem with those who are unwilling to listen. Also, I have a problem with people who are unwilling to explore and discover new ideas.
The problem comes first from apathy and contentment, “I like the way I am, and I have no interest in or reason to change.” The problem comes, second, from laziness. “If I don’t want to change in any way, why should I listen to ideas contrary to my own?”
Let’s consider a bigger problem than religious conservatism. Let’s take an example, instead, of a weak self-concept. The reason this can become a problem has to do with the relationship of self-concept and perception. A weak self-concept weakens your flexibility. For example, with stronger self-confidence, you will have a sturdy base of operations — more strength and confidence in your ability to anticipate, assess, and evaluate situations.
Second, with more accurate perceptions you will increase your repertoire of available skills and behaviors; thus you will have more from which to select and, likely, more accuracy and precision in their application. What it comes down to is your ability to face new situations. What you need are more tools in your toolbox. It comes down to the age-old aphorism that when all you have in the world is a hammer, every problem you encounter looks like a nail. This is black-and-white thinking that eliminates all shades of gray from your base of operations. A strong self-concept permits shades of gray
What is important to know with respect to strengthening your self-concept is that it doesn’t take much change to influence your communication and life. The starting point for change can be just as soon as you want it to be, and you will notice the results immediately. But, it is also important to know that nothing at all will change if you are closed-minded, reluctant, and hesitant or full of fear, doubt, and concern.
For many people, it isn’t necessarily fear, doubt, and concern, it is that you either think you know everything you need to know, or you think there is no need or room for improvement. Another possible problem is that you know that a change in your self-concept may require other changes, new behaviors, actions you cannot anticipate, and an unknown set of problems that you are just not ready or willing to take on.
All of these are legitimate concerns; however, the fact is some change is going to occur whether you like it or not. To be open to change is more likely to prepare you for anything that might happen — the anticipated and unanticipated alike. What this requires is open-mindedness.
“The trait of open-mindedness is best understood as a disposition, rather than an occurrent state of mind. It's not about what beliefs you actually have, but how open you are to revising them in appropriate circumstances. It requires the true humility of self-acknowledged fallibility. It requires that our minds be open to new evidence. But this is something very different from suggesting that we should be equally accepting of nonsense as we are of sense. That's not open-mindedness; it's gullibility, or perhaps stupidity,” writes the author of the blog at Philosophy, et cetera.
Open-mindedness requires that you be open to new findings and understandings, and you must be open to options, alternatives, and possible new choices. It can be a great journey, but without a commitment from you, there’s likely to be no journey at all — just words on a page or ideas that travel in one ear and out the other — if, indeed, they get that far.
“Can we will ourselves to change?” Joann Ellison Rodgers asks, then answers her own question in her article “Altered Ego: The New View of Personality Change.” “Yes,” says Rodgers, “especially if we think we can. . . . The power of belief is the key.”
But it goes much further than the power of belief alone. That, of course, is a starting point, and it is a good starting point. With the power of belief operating at full tilt, it is more likely that you will be able to embrace the ideas of others. This boils down to one absolute essential: respect.
In practical terms what you can do when others speak is to avoid looking for points to disagree with. Rather, take a completely different tact: look for ideas to increase your wisdom. Realize that everyone has something to offer you. It comes back to the example of the religious conservative with which I opened this essay. I love Chuck Gallozzi’s quotation, “The open-minded see the truth in different things, but the narrow-minded see only the differences,” found at his website personal-development.com in an essay, “Being Open-Minded. It is as Gallozzi expresses it, “We need our differences. For they provide us with more options and possibilities, making us stronger and wiser.”
The second thing you can do is abandon your need to be right. By doing so, according to Gallozzi, you turn power over to others and “grant them the right to be themselves.” It is a matter of acting generously and to quote Gallozzi once again, “One can hardly offer anyone a greater gift.”
These two changes, respect for others and abandoning your need to be right, are easier said than done because your current behavior is based on entrenched habits. If you can believe that you can change, the results of open mindedness — stronger self-concept, more well-rounded personality, acceptance and respect by others — are worth any effort you devote to change.
-----
At the website, Affirmations For Positive Thinking/Creating Power (How you can create the life you want), there are a number of motivational essays that are interesting and fun to read. Please note, this is a sales website; however, that does not deny the potential value of the essays.
Here is an excellent essay, “Is it good to be open-minded?” by William Hare of
Mount St. Vincent University that includes 42 footnotes. Yes, it is a bit long, but it is comprehensive, interesting, and worth a read.
-----
Copyright January, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
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