Relationship compatibility = Partner versatility

My wife and I took a seminar some time ago that used Wilson Learning materials, and one of the conclusions after learning about various social styles and determining our own, was that one of the key predictors of relationship success was versatility or a relationship partner’s ability to change and be variable.  The more rigid or inflexible a partner was, the less likely a relationship will survive.  In my mind, having a marriage that has lasted more than forty years, this appeared to be common sense.  I, as it turns out, am less versatile than my wife; however, she scored as extremely versatile, and it is revealed daily at a variety of different points in our relationship.

What this doesn’t mean, and this needs to be pointed out, is that versatility is the single or only important ingredient.  Untrue.  Compatibility still counts.  There are so many elements or factors that collide when two people form a relationship that it is impossible to predict which will become the demon element(s) and which will reinforce peace and harmony.  That is why versatility is so important; it allows adjustment to devilish irritants.

Look, briefly, at what writers on the Internet have said about compatibility and in some cases, what they selected as the most important components when it comes to relationship compatibility.  When you examine the components, you will quickly see that when there is agreement on major issues, topics, or ideas, relationships are more likely to be successful.  No doubt about this.  Look at the comments and the components.

“True compatibility doesn't have rigid lines,” writes Leon Scott Baxter, at AllExperts.com, in a response to a reader’s question under the heading, “How to strengthen your relationship,” about the meaning of compatibility. “All it means is that two people can fit well together, like pieces of a puzzle. You don't have to force the pieces to fit. You may need to use a little bit of wiggling, but really the pieces belong together. Sometimes the pieces look similar, sometimes they are totally different.”  With respect to Baxter’s response, it becomes a partner’s level of versatility that determines wiggleability.

At essortment, in an essay on “Relationship: Marriage built on compatibility,” the author writes, “In a marriage you must know your own needs, plus the needs of your mate. If one is not satisfied a strain will be felt in the marriage. It is impossible to like everything your mate does, however too many different interests and tastes will weaken the bond. Those contemplating marriage need to have a two-way communication. Important matters such as whom will handle the money, where the couple will live, and what type of discipline will be used for children should be discussed prior to marriage. Couples have a tendency to wait until after marriage to talk about these matters and find themselves disagreeing.”  Waiting until after marriage, too, makes exercising versatility more troublesome and difficult.

At the Online Dating Magazine, in his column, “Office hours with Dr. Jim,” Dr.James Houran, writes: “romantic partners showing strong similarity in age, political, and religious attitudes; moderate similarity in education, general intelligence, and values; and little or no similarity in personality characteristics [are more likely to have strong relationships.]”  He ends his essay with the following comment, “The bottom line is that relationships are held together over time because of compatibility, not chemistry, passion, love style, sex type or dating persona. Compatibility is a psychological concept, not an inherently hard-wired and unconscious phenomenon between two people that stems from uncontrollable chemical reactions in the brain. “

Sandra Fisher writes in her essay, “Compatibility in Relationships,” at her website, Graphic Insight , that the following are important ingredients in compatibility: 1) Emotional responsiveness.  2) Physical energy.  3) Intensity of feeling.  4) Self-esteem.  5) Social attitude, and  6) Manner of handling conflict. “The way you behave in an argument reveals a great deal about your personality,” writes Fisher. “This is a big test for compatibility.  If for example you regularly remain silent and introverted while your partner rants and raves — it could spell trouble for the long-term health of your relationship,” she says.

Once you and your partner come as close as possible on important components of compatibility, then it depends on your versatility — your flexibility and willingness to adjust.  Improving versatility reduces tension in relationships and enables people to focus efficiently on daily tasks and the work to be done.  Partners who remain versatile, flexible, and nimble will benefit their relationship. This versatility helps them resolve problems — even though clear-cut answers may be impossible to find.  Effective partners know how to handle uncertainty by drawing on their experience and the experience of their partner. They are able to notice and analyze important issues in complex matters, track down answers, and resolve issues in mutually compatible and satisfying ways.

In an essay entitled, “Versatile Leadership,” by Dr. Michael Leimbach, vice president of research and design for Wilson Learning Worldwide, concludes his essay by saying, “Employees don’t leave companies; they leave managers! . . .Versatility is the key. . . . A manager who is sensitive to the style of his or her employees, and takes steps to adjust his or her behavior to meet the needs of employees, will communicate more clearly and establish a more trusting relationship.”  It is that adjustment feature that becomes important in versatility — whether in business or in relationships.

A partner in a relationship is little different than a manager in this case.  Versatility is the key.  It is, indeed, versatility that helps partners understand each other, experience less frustration with poor and stressful communication, communicate more effectively and persuasively, and increase their relationship effectiveness.

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At SearchYourLove, a case is developed for promoting similarity between partners as the key to compatibility.  The author says, “Incompatibility remains the strongest factor contributing to breakups. Psychologists have discovered that there are certain types of incompatible relationships that are doomed to fail from the start. We call these Incompatible Relationships.”  Five types are discussed.  Then the author examines three types of compatible relationships and ends the essay saying, “What does it mean to be compatible? Well, similarities between people make life together much simpler. Being together involves compromise, and people can reach these compromises more easily when they share common values and inter ests. Sure, sometimes opposites can attract, but for a stable relationship bet on similarity.”

Krista Bloom, at Ezine@rticles, in an essay entitled, “The Compatibility Factor in Relationships - Seven Signs That You Are Right for Each Other (Or Wrong),” mentions: 1) personality, 2) communication, 3) friends and family, 4) health and nutrition, 5) financial, 6) educational, and 7) intimate compatibility.  Bloom concludes saying, “If you are in the dating and selection process, it is much more effective to choose a compatible partner now than it is to "fix" something that is "broken" later. Don't be afraid to let go if things are not working out. Sometimes love really is just not enough. Don't worry, there are millions of singles in the world to choose from, and you can find one that is compatible with you!”
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Copyright February 2011 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.