Drinking jokes

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
   
*A man is sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a young lady walks up and says "So what are you drinking?" The man replies casually "Magic beer" and the lady asks "What kind of magic beer?" "What's so special about it?!?" says the man. He proceeds to get up and flies around the room 3 times and sits back down. The lady snaps "I bet you couldn't do that again even if your life depended on it!" So he gets up and flies around the room 3 more times. The lady says "I'll have what he's having!" She chugs it down and goes to the roof and jumps - falling to her death. The bartender looks at the man sitting at the bar and says "Superman, you're a jerk when your drunk."
   
*A black, a Rabbi, a Pollock, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar. The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
   
*A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!"  A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!"
   
*An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
   
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
   
"Sure."
   
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
   
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"
   
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
   
*A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
   
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
   
*There is a great fruitcake recipe that goes like this: You'll need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
       1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
       2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
       3. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
       4. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another cup.
       5. Turn off the mixer.
       6. Beat two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
       7. Mix on the tuner.
       8. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
       9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of saltm or something. Who cares?
      10. Check the whiskey.
      11. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
      12. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
      13. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
      14. Throw the bowl out of the window.
      15. Check the whiskey.
      16. Check the oven and wishkey every 5 doneness for minutes.
   
*A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York.  It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.  One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
   
The other one says, “No, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”
   
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
   
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
   
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
   
“Great”, he said! “Just great”! The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
   
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . ”
   
“What’s that?”
   
“Did you fart yet?”
   
“No . . . ”
   
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix”
   
*A real woman is a man's best friend. She will  never stand him up and never let him down.  She will reassure him when he feels insecure  and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most  handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
   
No wait . . .sorry. . . .
   
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind.
   
*Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
   
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat -
   
"We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."
   
Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.  But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"
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At HELPGUIDE.org , there is an essay titled “Laughter is the Best Medicine: The Health Benefits of Humor and Laughter,” (May, 2010), by Melinda Smith, M.A., Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., that explains how laughter is good for your health, the link between laughter and mental health, the social benefits of humor and laughter, how to bring more laughter and humor into your life, and ways to help yourself see the lighter side of life.  This is a serious article with a great deal of practical advice.

At About.com: Stress Management, the essay there is titled, “The Stress Management and Health Benefits of Laughter,” by Elizabeth Scott, offers this information in her first paragraph: “. . .  studies so far have shown that laughter can help relieve pain, bring greater happiness, and even increase immunity. Positive psychology names the propensity for laughter and sense of humor as one of the 24 main signature strengths one can possess, and laughter yoga clubs are springing up across the country.”  She offers specific stress management benefits of humor and the social benefits of laughter.  In addition, she discusses how to use laughter.
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Copyright March, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.