by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
“I think that I have never seen a man as well-defined as he,” is an adaptation of a line written by the poet (Alfred) Joyce Kilmer, from his poem, “Trees” (1913), “I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.” With my adaptation of Kilmer’s line, I am referring to my 98-year-old father-in-law, Edgar E. Willis; however, I admit, that at 98 most people are well defined.
This is not an essay of complaint nor objection; rather, it is one on “reflected appraisals.” Since most people reading this essay would not know a “reflected appraisal” unless they met it in a college classroom and knew they would be quizzed on it before that class ended, let me provide a definition taken from a college textbook (mine!): Communicating Effectively, 10e, McGraw-Hill, 2012, page 35.
“ . . . Your parents, your friends, and your teachers all tell you who you are through reflected appraisals: messages you get about yourself from others. Most reflected appraisals come from things people say about you. . . . All such messages from others help create your self-concept” (p. 35).
It is a simple concept, and basically it reminds readers of the important role that others play in the formation of their self-concept. It attempts to counter or refute the idea that a self-concept is something entirely self-derived or self-developed—that it comes from within the self and is projected outward to others. It is true, of course, that we take the impressions we get from others, assess them, mix and match them, re-adjust them as necessary, and put them together, much as we assemble a puzzle with thousands of very small pieces, to form a self-concept. And it is true, as well, that this self-concept is constantly changing as we go through each day. It is neither static nor invariable.
When I taught a course in interpersonal communication (and in my interpersonal college textbook as well), I was well-known for saying, “Other people provide the most important source of information we get about ourselves. The way we believe others perceive us, often is the way we perceive ourselves.”
In this essay I will be using the term “reflected appraisals” in a slightly different way. I want to reflect upon the traits I have seen in my father-in-law (Edgar) after a full year and a half of daily one-hour visits. Like the book by Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie (1997), I have come to know Edgar in a variety of different ways, and I am continually thinking about what I have learned and discovered, much as Mitch learned about Morrie Schwartz, his former professor, after he began to visit him on a weekly basis. Rather than detail the lessons about life I have learned—as Albom did in his book—I want to focus on the traits Edgar reveals that I want to avoid.
It is a coincidence that Edgar was my former professor, and throughout this essay I want readers to know that I have the utmost respect for him. As I write this essay (April 18, 2011), I am less than one week away from a lecture Edgar delivered, “Who wrote the Shakespeare plays,” to a group of just over 50 people, at the Way Public Library (Perrysburg, Ohio), at the age of 97 years. (He is 99 as this essay is posted on the blog.)
First, for the most part, Edgar has chosen a life of social exclusion. He now lives in an apartment at Kingston Residence (along with over 100 other seniors). With the exception of a monthly book-club meeting he feels he was forced to attend, and the speech he gave at Way Library, and meals he takes in the dining room, he attends none of the public events (talks, entertainment, movies, or other social occasions), and prefers to watch sports, read books, magazines, and newspapers, and enjoy daily visits by family members—in his room, by himself.
Edgar would claim that he gave his talk to “test his skills” and that he avoids public events because they conflict with news shows he wants to watch on television.
Second, and closely related to the first idea above, Edgar avoids social contacts. He eats with a group of men at breakfast, and there are two people at his table for lunch and dinner with whom he shares small talk. Other than that, the only social contacts he has are with family members. He never lingers in the lounge, seeks conversation with others in the Residence, nor enjoys being with others. He stays in his room, sits in a comfortable chair, and either reads or watches sports or news programs on television. If he was not forced to go to the dining room for meals, he would have all meals delivered to his room. Unless dictated by illness or health problems, there is an additional cost for having meals in his room.
Third, as can be seen from my description in the paragraph above, Edgar is extremely frugal. One of the things that made him happy about moving to Kingston Residence was that his financial capital would not be touched. His monthly Social Security and retirement checks fully cover his rent, and then some. Financially, he is extremely solvent, and he could be more generous if he chose to be. I know this is a personal decision, but he has limited himself in unnecessary ways. For example, he would enjoy television more if he upgraded one level to include both a golf channel and a classic-movie channel—but he won’t. He could enjoy meals with family members in a special dining room in the Residence—or take them out to a nice restaurant—but he won’t. He could pay his granddaughter for cutting his hair—but he won’t. (He has compensated her in many other very generous ways, however.)
There is a fourth characteristic, too, and that is that Edgar is critical. Over the years he has formed a number of opinions about others that he will not alter in any way. For example, he formed an opinion of Diane Sawyer, the ABC-news-reader, because she worked for Richard Nixon, and now he will not watch her. He formed opinions of Tiger Woods, not because of his womanizing, but because he raised his fist in a gesture (“up yours”) that he considered inappropriate, had a foul mouth, and showed disrespect to his gallery, that followed him throughout his career. He has strong negative opinions about a foot doctor in his Residence who he feels was late to an appointment, and he will not see him again. Nurses who detain him for the administration of his pills quickly gain admission to his devil’s list, and are never forgiven for their lateness—essentially, making him wait.
In all these cases, the reflected appraisals have taught me what I do not want to be and what I do not want to do. Not to be totally negative, Edgar reads, watches sports, is aware, alert, and mentally active, and he has an incredible memory. Even though most of what I have observed, as noted in this essay, are negative traits I want to avoid, they make me a stronger person by underscoring and firming-up the positive traits I have in place. Reflected appraisals have the potential for making you a stronger person with more clearly defined characteristics.
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If you want more information on reflected appraisals, the JSTOR website and the article, “Reflected appraisals and self-esteem,: by the authors Charles Jaret, et. al., is an excellent resource for two reasons: 1) the information here is succinct and to the point, and 2) the sources that support this theory are offered in abundance and efficiently.
Alieshia Escalera has a short little essay, “Reflected Appraisal. When You Look in the Mirror, What Do You See?” that covers the definition, application, and value of reflected appraisals.
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Copyright December, 2012, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Showing posts with label Edgar E. Willis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Edgar E. Willis. Show all posts
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Losing control
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
When all else fails...
by Richard L. Weaver II
What people of every age need to know is that they have resources beyond which they understand, appreciate, or use; thus, when all else fails, to depend on these resources may well overcome the restriction, resolve the problem, make the right choice clear, or offer the alternative that leads the way out of the dilemma.
If everyone followed (or has followed) the advice in this essay, many of their resources would already be clear because they would be often practiced and, thus, known.
In my essay, “Good, memorable advice from a father and grandfather to a younger generation,” from the book (and formerly published in The (Toledo) Blade), And Then Some: Essays to Entertain, Motivate, & Inspire there are at least 20 pieces of specific advice. That essay is an excellent place to begin for it talks of opportunity, knowledge, hard work, bouncing back, staying informed, friendship, health, responsibility, happiness, and much more. This one proceeds from where that one left off with some small amount of overlap.
When all else fails begins with belief in yourself and your abilities. Nothing else that follows here matters when there is no self-efficacy. It is the essential and fundamental cornerstone of any edifice. You must convince yourself subconsciously that you can achieve what you set out to do. In that way your efforts will be boosted and the results will reaffirm your self belief and strengthen your trust in yourself as well as your self-confidence.
Closely related to a belief in yourself is thinking of the world in a positive way. If you have a positive outlook, you will feel it. Sometimes you have to pretend, and that’s okay. When you have a smile on your face, nobody knows what’s going on inside. Also, when you’re optimistic and encouraging (reinforcing the smile on your face), others respond to what they see, and, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it begins to take hold within you, and you begin to believe that you are truly positive and optimistic — no matter how you felt in the beginning.
When all else fails, friendships will pull you through. When you’re a good friend, someone others can count on, you will attract people who are good friends: honest, true, faithful and fun. True friends not only stand the test of time, but they will be by your side time and time again — there for you when all else fails.
When all else fails, too, persistence pays off. There are many reasons people fear failure — how society rewards success, the disapproval and deprivation associated with it, how it may expose their unworthiness. Quitters, however, never win and winners never quit. Thus, success means trying again, and trying again, and.... When you are at bat, it is better to go down swinging than just holding the bat and wondering what happened. It feels better to try something and fail than not to try at all, because if you are afraid to fail you are likely to become afraid of acting. That’s how drop outs occur; that’s how people avoid risks; and that’s the way to sidestep any new situations. Until you face your fear — Who taught it to you? Are others being overly judgmental or perfectionistic? Are you letting someone push you to succeed in ways not right for you? — you will avoid the important growth, development, and change that comes from taking risks, confronting new situations, and persisting through failures and disappointments.
When all else fails, drop back to the goals you have for yourself. You need to have goals — both short and long term. It doesn’t matter what they are, you need to work towards them. Your goals will change with new knowledge, experiences, relationships, and successes. However, when you set goals, really put in the time and energy needed to accomplish what you want. Expect action from yourself knowing that you have the ability, self-discipline, and self-motivation to accomplish whatever you want.
When you are having difficulty achieving your goals, engage in self-assessment. Ask yourself the questions: Are your goals appropriate? Are your standards the right ones for your life? Are they really your standards? Give yourself a chance to grow and develop in ability. Don’t take on excessive tasks or aim for unreachable achievements; go step by step.
When all else fails, remember that you are more than what you do or make. Beware of defining yourself only as the sum of your achievements or the bottom line of your financial status or even of the trips, clothes, friends, or possessions you accumulate. You will always be a growing, changing, developing person who can learn from all the experiences of your life, even the unpleasant ones. When all else fails, consider what you can learn from what is taking place now? When all else fails, view it as part of the process of exploring your world; make a note of its lessons and move on. Often, the lessons of a past failure pave the way for a future successes.
When all else fails, too, make adjustments in the myths that guide your life. For example, you do not have to be the best to be acceptable. Anything less than perfection isn’t failure. Worldly success isn’t everything. More important than worldly success is developing loving and supportive personal relationships, gradually improving your skills and abilities, learning to try new — and therefore risky — ventures.
When all else fails, look for the simpler way, answer, approach, alternative, or solution. Everything doesn’t have to be difficult, complicated, or troublesome. For example, be accepting of others and yourself just the way you are. You are enough. You are always enough. Depend on yourself for your own happiness. Live and let live. Celebrate all those things about yourself and others that make you and them unique.
When all else fails, look at yourself. Your insides are so much more important than your outsides — what you reveal to the world. It’s your brain, kindness, empathy, and sense of humor
that make you who you are. If you love to do something, do it. This is your life, your time to be alive. Try everything and anything (as long as it’s safe), and open yourself to all kinds of adventures. Make good choices, of course, but make the choices — and don’t wait.
Finally, when all else fails, look at the lighter side. Step outside of yourself, and see the humor in what you do, how you act, and who you are. Have fun. Whatever your fun might be, delight in life. Smile. Giggle. Laugh. (Roar! Hoot! Howl!) Life is too short not to have fun. Fun isn’t a feeling, it's a mindset. You control what's fun and what's not. Even cleaning can be fun, because if you tell yourself, this is fun, it becomes fun! Think about it! The reason you find anything fun is because you tell yourself it’s fun! So why not do that with everything in life and have a blast all day long?
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At Psychology Today Blogs, Timothy A. Pychyl has an essay, “Structured Procrastination: When all else fails,” in which he summarizes what John Perry, a professor of philosophy at Stanford University, says in his web essay and on his “Philosophy Talk” podcast - "the program that questions everything --- except your intelligence." Pychyl’s summary is enjoyable, and Perry’s theory has some merit.
At CelebrateLove.com, Larry James has an essay that deals with relationships entitled, “. . . And If All Else Fails,” in which he begins by asking: “When you have done the best you can, and your relationship seems to be falling apart at the seams, what other possibilities exist? What can you do when you have difficulty sustaining intimacy in your relationship?” James advocates counseling, and he ends his essay saying: “So, if you want to work things out, dump your preconceived ideas about what people will think or what your love partner will think if you choose to pursue therapy on your own. They are going to think whatever they think and there isn't anything that you can do about it. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think. It's your problem. You must do what you must do.”
For sheer fun, when all else fails, I recommend the book How to be funny on purpose: Creating and consuming humor, by Edgar E. Willis. It will bring humor into your life in a big way!
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Copyright January, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
What people of every age need to know is that they have resources beyond which they understand, appreciate, or use; thus, when all else fails, to depend on these resources may well overcome the restriction, resolve the problem, make the right choice clear, or offer the alternative that leads the way out of the dilemma.
If everyone followed (or has followed) the advice in this essay, many of their resources would already be clear because they would be often practiced and, thus, known.
In my essay, “Good, memorable advice from a father and grandfather to a younger generation,” from the book (and formerly published in The (Toledo) Blade), And Then Some: Essays to Entertain, Motivate, & Inspire there are at least 20 pieces of specific advice. That essay is an excellent place to begin for it talks of opportunity, knowledge, hard work, bouncing back, staying informed, friendship, health, responsibility, happiness, and much more. This one proceeds from where that one left off with some small amount of overlap.
When all else fails begins with belief in yourself and your abilities. Nothing else that follows here matters when there is no self-efficacy. It is the essential and fundamental cornerstone of any edifice. You must convince yourself subconsciously that you can achieve what you set out to do. In that way your efforts will be boosted and the results will reaffirm your self belief and strengthen your trust in yourself as well as your self-confidence.
Closely related to a belief in yourself is thinking of the world in a positive way. If you have a positive outlook, you will feel it. Sometimes you have to pretend, and that’s okay. When you have a smile on your face, nobody knows what’s going on inside. Also, when you’re optimistic and encouraging (reinforcing the smile on your face), others respond to what they see, and, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it begins to take hold within you, and you begin to believe that you are truly positive and optimistic — no matter how you felt in the beginning.
When all else fails, friendships will pull you through. When you’re a good friend, someone others can count on, you will attract people who are good friends: honest, true, faithful and fun. True friends not only stand the test of time, but they will be by your side time and time again — there for you when all else fails.
When all else fails, too, persistence pays off. There are many reasons people fear failure — how society rewards success, the disapproval and deprivation associated with it, how it may expose their unworthiness. Quitters, however, never win and winners never quit. Thus, success means trying again, and trying again, and.... When you are at bat, it is better to go down swinging than just holding the bat and wondering what happened. It feels better to try something and fail than not to try at all, because if you are afraid to fail you are likely to become afraid of acting. That’s how drop outs occur; that’s how people avoid risks; and that’s the way to sidestep any new situations. Until you face your fear — Who taught it to you? Are others being overly judgmental or perfectionistic? Are you letting someone push you to succeed in ways not right for you? — you will avoid the important growth, development, and change that comes from taking risks, confronting new situations, and persisting through failures and disappointments.
When all else fails, drop back to the goals you have for yourself. You need to have goals — both short and long term. It doesn’t matter what they are, you need to work towards them. Your goals will change with new knowledge, experiences, relationships, and successes. However, when you set goals, really put in the time and energy needed to accomplish what you want. Expect action from yourself knowing that you have the ability, self-discipline, and self-motivation to accomplish whatever you want.
When you are having difficulty achieving your goals, engage in self-assessment. Ask yourself the questions: Are your goals appropriate? Are your standards the right ones for your life? Are they really your standards? Give yourself a chance to grow and develop in ability. Don’t take on excessive tasks or aim for unreachable achievements; go step by step.
When all else fails, remember that you are more than what you do or make. Beware of defining yourself only as the sum of your achievements or the bottom line of your financial status or even of the trips, clothes, friends, or possessions you accumulate. You will always be a growing, changing, developing person who can learn from all the experiences of your life, even the unpleasant ones. When all else fails, consider what you can learn from what is taking place now? When all else fails, view it as part of the process of exploring your world; make a note of its lessons and move on. Often, the lessons of a past failure pave the way for a future successes.
When all else fails, too, make adjustments in the myths that guide your life. For example, you do not have to be the best to be acceptable. Anything less than perfection isn’t failure. Worldly success isn’t everything. More important than worldly success is developing loving and supportive personal relationships, gradually improving your skills and abilities, learning to try new — and therefore risky — ventures.
When all else fails, look for the simpler way, answer, approach, alternative, or solution. Everything doesn’t have to be difficult, complicated, or troublesome. For example, be accepting of others and yourself just the way you are. You are enough. You are always enough. Depend on yourself for your own happiness. Live and let live. Celebrate all those things about yourself and others that make you and them unique.
When all else fails, look at yourself. Your insides are so much more important than your outsides — what you reveal to the world. It’s your brain, kindness, empathy, and sense of humor
that make you who you are. If you love to do something, do it. This is your life, your time to be alive. Try everything and anything (as long as it’s safe), and open yourself to all kinds of adventures. Make good choices, of course, but make the choices — and don’t wait.
Finally, when all else fails, look at the lighter side. Step outside of yourself, and see the humor in what you do, how you act, and who you are. Have fun. Whatever your fun might be, delight in life. Smile. Giggle. Laugh. (Roar! Hoot! Howl!) Life is too short not to have fun. Fun isn’t a feeling, it's a mindset. You control what's fun and what's not. Even cleaning can be fun, because if you tell yourself, this is fun, it becomes fun! Think about it! The reason you find anything fun is because you tell yourself it’s fun! So why not do that with everything in life and have a blast all day long?
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At Psychology Today Blogs, Timothy A. Pychyl has an essay, “Structured Procrastination: When all else fails,” in which he summarizes what John Perry, a professor of philosophy at Stanford University, says in his web essay and on his “Philosophy Talk” podcast - "the program that questions everything --- except your intelligence." Pychyl’s summary is enjoyable, and Perry’s theory has some merit.
At CelebrateLove.com, Larry James has an essay that deals with relationships entitled, “. . . And If All Else Fails,” in which he begins by asking: “When you have done the best you can, and your relationship seems to be falling apart at the seams, what other possibilities exist? What can you do when you have difficulty sustaining intimacy in your relationship?” James advocates counseling, and he ends his essay saying: “So, if you want to work things out, dump your preconceived ideas about what people will think or what your love partner will think if you choose to pursue therapy on your own. They are going to think whatever they think and there isn't anything that you can do about it. Besides, it doesn't matter what they think. It's your problem. You must do what you must do.”
For sheer fun, when all else fails, I recommend the book How to be funny on purpose: Creating and consuming humor, by Edgar E. Willis. It will bring humor into your life in a big way!
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Copyright January, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
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