by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
In 1964 (47 years ago), I was inspired, encouraged, even energized by a book by M. C. Richards entitled, Centering: In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person (Wesleyan University Press, 1962, 1964). The book is philosophical in nature, and it was Richards’ theme as much as her language (writing style) that roused and stirred me. “Centering is the image I use,” Richards writes, “for the process of balance which will enable us to step along that thread feeling it not as a thread but a sphere. It will, it is hoped,” she continues, “help us to walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness, finding our way continuous, self-completing” (p. 6).
From the G. Merritt, of Boulder, Colorado, review at Amzaon.com, Merritt writes, “M. C. Richards was a potter, teacher, and poet, and her 1962 book is ‘a story of transformation’ (p. 4). In his Foreward to the 25th Anniversay Edition of M.C.'s ‘truly subversive book’ (p. ix), Matthew Fox writes, ‘I consider this book one of the great works of American philosophy: it is so cosmological, so feminist (without once using that term), so original, so full of wisdom, so post Cartesian, so nondualistic, so moral, and so fully a part of the mystical tradition of the West that one wonders from what source it arrived in our world . . . This is a prophetic and mystical book. Such books are dangerous. They are the kind dictators burn, churches tend to ignore, and consumer cultures leave on the shelf. For they have the power to awaken, to stir, to disturb, and to transform’ (pp. vii-viii).” That is the effect it had on me.
"I sense this," Richards writes; "we must be steady enough in ourselves, to be open and to let the winds of life blow through us, to be our breath, our inspiration; to breathe with them, mobile and soft in the limberness of our bodies, in our agility, our ability, as it were, to dance, and yet to stand upright, to be intact, to be persons" (p. 12). This is truly inspirational writing.
To put “a balanced life” into some practical perspective—a perspective from which, incidentally, Richards’ concept of Centering would most likely emerge—I would list the ingredients of a well-balanced life to be some equitable, proper, and just distribution of interest, time, and energy among: a positive attitude, exercise, diet, sleep, being healthy, listen well, quiet personal time, creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally, family and friends, work, a sense of humor, and faith (however you define it and in whatever context you choose).
More attention to the balance of these elements alone, would help us live more appropriately within the delicate balance of living creatures, the daily demands made upon us, and the personal needs required to live a healthy, productive, and rewarding life.
Without being fully aware of it ("an unexpected discovery"), I wrote a book about living a balanced life. The book, You Rules—Caution: Contents Leads to a Better Life (And Then Some Publishing, 2008), focuses on self-improvement, and, as I say in the preface to this book, “. . . if one wants to make changes in his or her life—and change is what this book is all about because for self-improvement to occur, one must change—how much, how soon, in what direction that change will go are all decisions that will take place as you read the essays in this volume” (p. xi).
Rather than repeat myself in this essay, let me clarify—using the book You Rules!—where the elements above can be found. In the first two chapters of the book, I discuss both optimism and developing a positive attitude, and I offer a number of specific suggestions for obtaining both.
Along with optimism and a positive attitude, one needs to make self-discipline a habit and become passionate about life—characteristics that are enablers for they make achieving the other elements in the list possible. The other four essays in the first section of You Rules! treat the issues of how to take control of your life (“Make Your Own Luck”), how to break out of your comfort zones (“Get Out of Your Comfort Zones”), an essay on how to stop procrastination (“Make TNT [Today Not Tomorrow] Your Motto to Feed Your Mind With Positive Input”), and, finally, an essay on how to become more organized (“Get Organized”).
The entire second section of the book, You Rules!, is devoted to the next three elements in the list above: diet, sleep, being healthy. Chapter 9 carries the title, “Adopt a Healthy Lifestyle.” Chapter 10, “Make a Commitment to Regular Exercise,” and Chapter 11, “Develop a Sense of Wonder.” This section, too, includes a chapter on “Have a Sense of Humor.” These chapters not only discuss the importance of these elements, they offer specific methods for accomplishment.
The third section of the book, You Rules!, is designed not just to keep you on track in the accomplishment of the elements of a well-balanced life, but to overcome the many stones in the road. It covers such issues as self-discipline, self-management, listening to your instincts, controlling worry, pursuing a program of growth, development, and change, and how to take risks in stretching the boundaries of our mental, spiritual, and physical worlds. This section also includes a chapter on, “Become an Effective Listener,” which is another one of the elements.
The next two elements essential to a well-balanced life, from the list offered above— creative expression, education and the ability to think rationally—are covered in the fourth section of the book, You Rules!, entitled, “Exercise Your Creativity.” Not only are the benefits of creativity discussed but so, too, are the characteristics of successful, creative people. When you know how the creative process works, explained in Chapter 28, you are more likely to recognize the process in action and the value of quiet personal time (another element), and when you know the kind of life in which creativity can flourish (Chapter 29), you will know exactly how it can be nurtured. The need to become immersed in a field of study [which encompasses the area of “work” in the listed elements] and the nature of and how to capitalize on “flow” are the final two chapters in this section.
The fifth section of the book, You Rules!, “Maintain Your Progress,” helps in achieving a well-balanced life because it offers specific, pragmatic advice for dealing with failure and mistakes, overcoming obstacles, resisting undesirable social influences, wrestling with the devil, keeping your brain in good shape, and making your self-improvements last.
It is in the final section of the book, You Rules!, “Look to a Positive Future,” where there are chapters that focus on the final two elements in the list not previously considered. The importance of family and friends is covered in Chapter 48, “Become a Loving Human Being,” and faith is covered in “Reflect Upon Your Blessings” (Chapter 44).
If you chose to live a balanced life, and you decided that the elements listed above were even some of those for which you wanted to strive, then the book, You Rules!, includes a wide range of useful and immediate recommendations for beginning at once on such a project! Indeed, You Rules! will help each of us to, as M. C. Richards says, “walk through extremes with an incorruptible instinct for wholeness.”
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At EssentialLife Skills.net, the five priorities discussed include: 1. Take care and nurture yourself, 2. Know what your priorities are, 3. Create an efficient mindset, 4. Expect the unexpected, and 5. Maintain a positive mental attitude.
At everydayhealth.com in the essay, “Top Tips for Creating a Well-Balanced Life A balanced life addresses the basics of exercise, good nutrition, and stress relief. Wellbeing stems from paying attention to both your emotional and physical health,” Chris Iliades, a medical doctor lists time management, stress management, exercise, nutrition, support, more support, and health care as the essentials.
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Bright-Sided
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights.
First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39).
Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well.
In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44).
In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73).
I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96).
“Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)
She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122).
Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).
Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133).
My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
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In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.
Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.
At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.”
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Not very often do I make an essay into a book review, but it happens occasionally. I reviewed the book, Bright-sided: How the relentless promotion of positive thinking has undermined America (Metropolitan Books/Henry Holt and Company, 2009), for our BookClubandthensome.com web site, and I had no intention of using it for an essay until I read this in a column by John Swartzberg, M.D., Chair of the editorial board for the UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, “As Barbara Ehrenreich points out in her new book, Bright-Sided, women with breast cancer are often assaulted with the idea that negative thinking brought on their cancer and that positive thinking will cure it” (p. 3, January, 2010). Suddenly, his reference to the book gave it new attention and credibility, and I thought readers of my essays might like to hear more about her book. It is a wonderful book full of insights.
First, it is helpful to know something about the author. I am quoting this from the back flyleaf of the book: “Barbara Ehrenreich is the author os sixteen previous books, including the bestsellers Nickel and Dimed and Bait and Switch. A frequent contributor to Harper’s and The Nation, she has also been a columnist at The New York Times and Time magazine.” At the Wikipedia web site, the following information was found: “Ehrenreich studied physics at Reed College, graduating in 1963. Her senior thesis was entitled Electrochemical oscillations of the silicon anode. In 1968, she received a Ph.D in cellular biology from Rockefeller University.” And in her book, Bright-Sided, she calls herself “a former cellular immunologist” (p. 39).
Although you do not need a sophisticated vocabulary to understand the language she uses in her book, having one helps at points. For example, she says, “Continuing in an anthropomorphic vein, there’s an interesting parallel between macrophages and cancer cells...” (p. 39). I want to quickly add, however, this is not typical of most of the book. She writes well.
In Chapter 1, “Smile or Die: The Bright Side of Cancer,” Ehrenreich’s conclusion, after carefully examining the evidence, is, “Besides, it takes effort to maintain the upbeat demeanor expected by others [who have been diagnosed with cancer]—effort that can no longer be justified as a contribution to long-term survival” (p. 41). In an excellent example of the belief in optimism to overcome cancer, a woman wrote that she changed her lifestyle, meditates, prays, eats properly, exercises, and takes supplements, and asks Deepak Chopra if she’s missing something? Chopra replied to her, “As far as I can tell, you are doing all the right things to recover. You just have to continue doing them until the cancer is gone for good...” (p. 42). Chopra’s response is utter and total nonsense! Ehrenreich concludes her first chapter saying that it is American culture “that encourages us to deny reality, submit cheerfully to misfortune, and blame only ourselves for our fate” (p. 44).
In Chapter 2, “The Years of Magical Thinking,” Ehrenreich traces much of the history of positive thinking, disembowels the use of pseudo-science to justify claims that thoughts can magically control actions (using The Secret as one extensive example where Rhonda Byrne, the author, “cites quantum physics” (p. 67), and ends the chapter saying, “It’s a glorious universe the positive thinkers have come up with, a vast, shimmering aurora borealis in which desires mingle freely with their realizations. Everything is perfect here, or as perfect as you want to make it. Dreams go out and fulfill themselves; wishes need only to be articulated. It’s just a god-awful lonely place” (p. 73).
I loved her characterizations of Calvinism, Puritanism, the “New Thought movement,” Christian Scientist thinking, and Norman Vincent Peale—all in Chapter 3, “The Dark Roots of American Optimism.” I found it fascinating to follow, with Ehrenreich’s guidance, the thread that connected all of these and the way positive thinking “was beginning to be an obligation imposed on all American adults” (p. 96).
“Motivating Business and the Business of Motivation,” is the title of Chapter 4, and in this chapter Ehrenreich describes the motivational-speaking business and how such experiences “can be a thrillingly cathartic experience—not something to expect at any company gathering and even feel entitled to as a temporary release from the ongoing pressure” (p. 106). “One unusually forthcoming motivational speaker,” Ehrenreich writes, “expressed some discomfort with her role, telling me that employers use people like her in part “to beat up employees” if they don’t achieve the goals that have been set for them. “They can say, ‘Didn’t you listen to the speaker we brought in?’” (p. 117)
She also discusses the dependence on positive thinking by the speakers at motivational meetings, groups, and “boot camps” designed for recently fired employees as well as the formation, development, and use of “team building” (p. 120)—which is simply another form of motivation (p. 121) often designed to soften the blow of being released. Result? “[Employees] may have had less and less power to chart their own futures, but they had been given a worldview—a belief system, almost a religion—that claimed they were in fact infinitely powerful, if only they could master their own minds” (p. 122).
Ehrenreich’s descriptions of the positive preachers Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland, Kenneth Hagin, Robert Schuller, Rick Warren, Bill Hybels, and Joel Osteen fit perfectly as examples of Chapter 5, “God Wants You to Be Rich.” The enemy for positive preachers is “negative thinking” (p. 127).
Ehrenreich’s story of her visit to Joel and his copastor and wife, Victoria Osteen’s megachurch (pp. 128-133) is both delightful and revealing. Ehrenreich writes, “My Baptist friends in Houston can only shake their heads in dismay at Osteen’s self-serving theology. On scores of Christian Web sites,” she says, “you can find Osteen and other positive pastors denounced as ‘heretics,’ ‘false Christians,’ even as associates of the devil...” (p. 133).
My attention to Ehrenreich’s book was drawn to Chapter 6, “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness,” simply because I have cited Martin Seligman a number of times in my books and articles, and I own his book, Learned Optimism. I knew that “academics tended to dismiss the ideas of his successors as pop cultural ephemera and the stuff of cheap hucksterism” (p. 147). How the new positive psychology became mainstream, the benefits it offered to nonacademic motivational speakers, coaches, and self-help entrepreneurs, the influence positive psychologists have had in the corporate world and on therapy, and the interview Ehrenreich had with him are fascinating revelations that, by themselves, make this book worth reading.
-----
In “Living Well: There’s a Downside to Positive Thinking,” Bob Condor offers a large number of useful insights—many more benefits to positive thinking than negative effects. This is an essay that is interesting and useful.
Amelia writes in the essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” at the web site, contextscrawler, a review of Ehrenreich’s book, Bright-Sided. The value of her review essay is that she offers readers two substantial quotations that will give you a good idea of Ehrenreich’s writing style.
At TheNation, in an essay, “The Down Side of Positive Thinking,” you can see a brief video of a conversation of Barbara Ehrenreich with GRIT TV's Laura Flanders. In the conversation, “she discusses how her personal struggle with breast cancer was overshadowed by her personal struggle with the cheerleaders who dominated the breast cancer support groups.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Managing conflict
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”
Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.
In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:
“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.
“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)
“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.
“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”
The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).
There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.
Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.
Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)
At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.
At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
When I read the reviews of the ninth edition of my college textbook, Communicating Effectively (McGraw-Hill, 2009), it was clear from several of the twenty I received, that students had a real concern about managing conflict. Being an author who takes the reviews of his textbooks seriously (between just two of my textbooks, I have prepared 16 new editions), and tries—to the extent possible—to satisfy the concerns and incorporate the changes recommended, I drew together the three main areas where conflict, as a topic, was discussed in the ninth edition, and I created a new chapter for the tenth edition entitled, “Conflict and Conflict Management.”
Not only did I add to the new chapter several marginal boxes on specific methods for resolving conflict, interspersed throughout the chapter, but I added a section on resolving conflict online, and a new “Assess Yourself” box at the end of the chapter that allows readers, using the 25 questions I include, to make a judgment about their personal ability to manage conflict effectively.
In addition to these changes in the ninth edition, in the new chapter on conflict, I included a new “Consider This” box which I wrote entitled, “Personality Characteristics of Those Best at Managing Conflict.” The information in this box is important enough to share with readers of my essays, so here it is:
“The question we wanted answered was: What are the personality characteristics of those who are best at managing conflict situations? In social situations we observed those who seemed most confident and successful, and although we didn’t formally survey them, we made mental notes. Then we went to the Internet, and implementing an informal selection of different searches using the Google search engine, we came up with a variety of characteristics. We make no claim to reliability nor validity; however, giving the characteristics that follow the “eyeball test” (just looking over the list to see if they make sense), they appear to be relevant and valuable. That is, if you possessed these characteristics, it would seem to improve your chances at more effective and competent conflict management.
“The first, and, perhaps, most important characteristic is maturity. Side-by-side with maturity, we place wisdom—which often comes with maturity. It is mature people who can own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for things that were under their control, and many mature people, too, have a history of dealing with conflict situations. The greater the history (or track record), the greater the likelihood of good decisions (based on the assumption that people learn from their mistakes rather than repeat them.) Wise people often have higher intelligence, as well as greater common sense, judgment, and levelheadedness. (We want it to be clear that intelligence guarantees nothing. Many intelligent people cannot effectively deal with conflict.)
“Maturity and wisdom are strong characteristics when accompanied by a consideration of
others—especially the ability to empathize with them. People who empathize often listen well. A tough characteristic (especially when ensconced in conflict) but one that accompanies maturity and wisdom is the ability to keep your emotions in check. Closely related to maturity and wisdom, too, is the ability to remain open-minded, objective, tolerant, and flexible.
“If I was to suggest characteristics that do not directly relate to those above, I would add the ability to see things in shades of gray, rather than black or white, a positive attitude toward conflict and its benefits, and the ability to offer options, choices, and alternatives.”
The problem with conflict is simply that it comes in many shapes and sizes; thus, one method for managing it may not be sufficient. It is far better to have a variety of tools in your toolbox and better still if those tools have received some previous use (experience).
There are some universals, however, that seem to work well no matter the situation. One of the best general guidelines is to cool off before any confrontation. To try to manage conflict situations while affected by the intense emotion of conflict (even any emotional result) is likely to have a negative effect on the negotiation.
Make two pledges to yourself before beginning any attempt at resolving conflict. The first is to listen well. Let the other person talk, and really listen to what he or she has to say. Second, pledge to handle the other person and the situation with respect. If you choose not to speak with decorum, or you lose self-control in the midst of any discussion of conflict, the conflict will immediately escalate, and you will have to deal with other problems (emotions that are out of control) rather than solving the problem at hand.
Another universal over which you have total control in conflict situations is to take responsibility for your attitudes, feelings, and behavior. Rather than blaming the other person, which will certainly serve little purpose in resolving the conflict, (for example, saying something like, “You make me so mad when you embarrass me in public,”), take responsibility for your feelings (for example, saying something like, “I get so angry when we are in a public situation, and you reveal personal things about me or my life that only you know.”)
At PeopleSkills, Vadim Kotelnikov has an essay, “Effective Conflict Resolution
The Art, Science, and Practice,” offers three essentials for developing a win-win mindset (the following are quoted directly from his essay): “1. Integrity. Integrity means treating everyone by the same set of principles. Conforming reality to our words—keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. Being loyal to those who are not present. 2. Maturity. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. Expressing feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person requires maturity, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties. 3. An Abundance Mentality. An abundance mentality flows from a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is a paradigm that states that this is a world of plenty and that there is enough for everybody. It results in the sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity.”
With these fundamentals in place, it will not only be far easier to think about facing conflict situations (as opposed to retreating from them) but managing conflict, too, will take on a whole new dimension that will promote mutual understanding, reciprocated trust and respect, and jointly shared resolutions.
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At the Pickthebrain web site, Stephen Hopson, in his essay, “7 Tips for Resolving Conflicts Quickly and Peacefully,” discusses, 1) Remain calm, 2) let the other person do the talking, 3) genuinely consider the other person’s point of view, 4) there’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….,” 5) If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it, 6) if you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility., and 7) use the power of visualization.
At momlogic, in her terrific essay, “How to resolve conflicts,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, writes near the end of her essay, “Studies on couples' conflict style show that the two most important ingredients to healthy fighting are empathy and humor. When you are feeling unheard, disrespected, or on the losing end of a power struggle, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine you are on the other side of the dynamic battling with the likes of YOU. Best of all is to find comedy in your tragedy. If you can muster the brain power, step outside your fight and imagine you are a fly on the wall. Reframe your dialogue as a script from a "Saturday Night Live" skit or a prime-time sitcom. Now look how silly you sound!
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Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Losing control
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
When we took my father-in-law for a regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, it was clear that he had symptoms that merited the appointment although he was only slightly aware of his degenerating condition. His shuffling around had become more pronounced, his loss of balance was happening more often, just walking across a room created shortness of breath, fatigue increased, and his ankles and feet had swollen to such a degree that he had to put on old shoes, but he could not lace them. The doctor came outside the examining room to talk with my wife and me, and his diagnosis was clear and distinct: acute congestive heart failure. Edgar needed to be hospitalized at once so that treatment could begin immediately.
We learned later that it was a single comment that Edgar made to the doctor that prompted the need for immediate hospitalization. Asked what he wanted as the outcome of this doctor’s appointment, he said, “I want to improve.” At 96-years-old, and totally in control of and actively exercising his mental abilities, this revealed all that was necessary to the doctor.
Searching for information on congestive heart failure on the Internet, one of the first web sites offered the following information. Carl Bianco, M.D., at the web site, Howstuffworks.com, in his essay entitled, “How congestive heart failure works,” opens with the following paragraph: “Heart failure, or congestive heart failure (CHF), is a very common disease, afflicting approximately 4.8 million Americans. While many other forms of heart disease have become less common in recent years, CHF has been increasing steadily. This may be because more people with other forms of heart disease survive longer but are left with damaged hearts, which leads to CHF. Also, as the elderly population increases, there are more people at high risk of developing CHF. Approximately 400,000 new CHF cases occur each year, and it is the most common diagnosis in hospital patients over 65.”
Acute congestive heart failure began a succession of “loss of control” episodes. There were three such episodes—enormously important occurrences—that preceded the CHF diagnosis. The first took place about two years prior when Edgar lost his wife. Married and living together for close to 70 years, this loss caused a grave blow. Having never had to cook, do laundry, or clean up after himself, he was left bereft of the important matters of everyday existence; however, he quickly learned to “make do” and care for himself as he lived alone in the three-bedroom, rather spacious house, they had occupied for well over 50 years.
A second episode happened when he was driving. A car sideswiped him while he was waiting at a stoplight and caused several thousand dollars damage to his car. It was a hit-and-run accident and clearly not Edgar’s fault; however, the accident (fully covered by his insurance) prompted him to think about his driving acumen. After the car was fully repaired and returned to his garage, Edgar said, “I’ve made a decision. I’ve decided to take myself off the road.”
This episode, as anyone who has been through it knows, is a major development in anyone’s life. It represents more than simply a loss of control; it signifies as well, a loss of independence. To go to church, buy groceries, run errands, etc., now would require asking someone else to shuttle him around. Depending on others—especially for an elderly man who had lived his entire life independently (notwithstanding, of course, the contributions his wife made to him and to his lifestyle)—was not something he took lightly. One can just imagine the mental anguish he experienced to come to this decision to take himself off the road.
There was a third episode as well, and although not as significant or noteworthy as the previous three (I’m including his CHF here), nonetheless, it mattered a great deal in the progression of “loss of control.” His Siamese cat, Coco, had created a number of problems for him. It was going to the bathroom anywhere it chose downstairs in the laundry room. This caused a smell in the house, and a neighbor and friend would come in on a daily basis to clean up the mess. In addition, the hair on the cat had lost its previous luster—which is a symptom of illness. It was a sudden decision (by Edgar), and he decided to have the cat put to sleep. The importance of this is reflected in the number of years he had the cat, how close the two had become (it was like having a roommate), and how he cared for the cat’s needs throughout its life.
The diagnosis of acute congestive heart failure (CHF) brought on additional situations that created a loss of control. For example, Edgar was hospitalized for several days so that a regular regimen of medicine could be administered and his condition could be closely monitored. When released he came to our house for five days, and then, the ultimate in loss of control occurred. We took him to a residential, apartment complex for senior citizens where he received regular meals, a close monitoring, continuance, and administration of the pill regimen begun in the hospital. Soon after, too, he had a bi-ventricular pacemaker installed to stimulate and regulate the beating of his heart. For Edgar, his universe had changed.
Although still with all of his mental faculties in place and his physical health returning to “normal,” Edgar still believed that he could live by himself, at his home, and self-administer his meds. Perhaps that dream of independence and self-sufficiency provided him a modicum of comfort even though his older son, a retired family doctor, his own doctor, and everyone else we talked with knew that living in this residential care facility was not just important, but imperative.
There is no question that people have the power to change their lives, and the essays I write not only support that contention but offer specific and practical methods for doing so. On the other hand, however, people do not have the power to prevent life from happening to them. Of course Edgar would change things dramatically if he had control. Loss of control happened in small steps, albeit steps that took place rather rapidly.
When life began happening to him, as much as he resisted the changes, all that he could do—and is still in the process of doing, I might add—is change his attitude. He has said, “I am just too old,” but at least he is aware of the problem. Now, he has to face even more steps in the progression of losing control. His younger son is turning his taxes over to an accountant, and Edgar is resisting such a move, having prepared his own taxes throughout his life. He is actively looking for ways to maintain control. On a recent trip, for example, he wanted to take only his cane and not his walker—because a walker conveys to others the impression of an invalid or one not in control of his life. A cane, on the other hand, represents more independence, freedom of movement, and a person still in control.
Losing control is a frightening prospect but one most people will have to face. Rather than lamenting the loss, one can only change his or her attitude. It is not easy to do, and some would rather die than change. But, unfortunately, that is the only recourse, because those who say, “I’d rather die than change,” often do.*
*I need to add a footnote to this essay. Edgar overcame congestive heart failure. He is now 98 years old, very healthy, and living at Kingston Residence, Apartment 226, 300 East Boundary Street, Perrysburg, OH 43551. I add this information in case you wish to drop him a note. He is an avid reader, follows University of Michigan football as well as all Detroit team sports, and, with the exception of meals and a bit of exercising, spends all his time in his apartment.
-----
At Cancer.net there is a great essay, “Coping With Fear of Recurrence,” which discusses seven specific tips for coping: 1) Accept your fears, 2) don’t worry alone, 3) talk with your doctor about regular follow-up care, 4) be well informed, 5) adopt a healthy lifestyle, 6) reduce stress, and 7) where to go for more help. This is excellent information.
In his ezine@rticle, “Surviving a stroke: Hope and progress,” Kenneth John offers a supportive, encouraging, optimistic short essay that is worth a read. He writes, “The good news is that a huge amount of expertise has gone into the study of improved living for stroke survivors and those close to them. Many quality of life studies involving physicians, neurologists and rehabilitation researchers, have yielded a wealth of knowledge about improving quality of life following a stroke.”
-----
Copyright August, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Finding time to relax
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
It’s easy to get caught up in the helter-skelter of everyday life, community activities, job-related responsibilities, family happenings, etc. It can be, too, workaholism—the compulsive and unrelenting need to work. I tend to be a workaholic. I’ve been one all my life. When one project is complete I immediately proceed to the next one. Sometimes, too, I am involved in a number of projects at the same time.
I remember when I was teaching, and I took great personal pride (I never told anyone else at the time) in having my secretary involved in a revision of my teacher’s manual used by my 30 teaching assistants. At the same time, I was involved in the revision of two of my college textbooks, and both of the revised manuscripts were being read by developmental editors at two different publishing companies. I had a speech waiting for publication in Vital Speeches of the Day, and there were two scholarly articles, one waiting for immediate publication, and the other being read by a journal editor who was considering it for publication. The reader [a collection of articles] for my graduate-level course was being prepared by a duplicating office on campus, and while all of this was going on, I was preparing another book and updating the lectures I used in the basic course. I absolutely loved it.
So, it would be obvious for a reader of this essay to wonder, “Who are you to talk about finding time to relax?” I would contend quite the opposite: If a workaholic like myself can find time to relax, then that is precisely the person from whom I would like to hear! It’s like the very old aphorism: “If you have a job to do, give it to a busy person.”
I give myself plenty of time to relax; however, I do not waste time between work and that designated for relaxation. “Designated” to relaxing. Getting up at 3 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I find my two hours of exercising and jogging very relaxing. Every morning, seven-days-a-week, I spend 1 1/2-to-2 hours reading newspapers while eating breakfast and listening to background music—a relaxing way to begin each day and calm the spirit.
For lunch, I take a full one-hour, relaxing break, to make and eat my lunch, listen to music, and read any mail. Between projects, I often take a short break to pay bills, read and review books, post on Facebook, bring my blog up-to-date, or write a new essay. It may sound like this is work; however, like a professional golfer finds playing golf relaxing, I find writing (and working in my study) relaxing activities. I write to relax.
In addition to these forms of relaxation, my wife and I usually take two vacations each year. Often, one of these is a cruise. We have taken ten. For the second vacation, we take our fifth-wheel somewhere. These are additional relaxing times and, for the most part (not always), I try not to take work along. I do spend some time on each trip writing essays—not as work, but for relaxing. (Many of these essays eventually get posted on my blog )
Now I have revealed a secret. Much of my “work” is interwoven with my “play,” and in many cases, it would be difficult for someone to distinguish between them. Perhaps, that is sufficient explanation for how much I accomplish.
As an important aside here, I have to confess that I often work with the television on in the background—especially if there is a sporting function about which I am interested. I seldom just sit and watch a television program, unless it is later in the evening (after 9:00 p.m.), I have finished a project (like an essay like this), and I am ready to enjoy a beer along with a few pretzels, some lightly-salted peanuts, and popcorn. That is not just the way I celebrate the end of a day, but it, too, is a way to take my little bit of medicinal alcohol.
Very seldom, if ever, will you find me just sitting, relaxing, and watching television. There is little on television about which I am interested (except Big Ten college football); however, the shows I enjoy (such as Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC), I can have on in the background while I work at the computer.
One method I have found useful for finding time to relax is working in blocks of time. It is easier to get a group of projects finished when they are related. For example, I save bills for several days, then I will sit at my desk and pay all the bills, write all the checks, and prepare them for mailing—all at the same time. While at the computer writing essays, I will often post on Facebook, answer email messages, and bring my blog up-to-date. What these blocks of time afford is small blocks of time, too, to relax.
During the time I was teaching, I advocated for variety as opposed to blocks of time. That is, I spread my time among a wide-variety of projects—with an emphasis on “wide.” It was, at that time, the only way I would have time to write. Teaching, lecturing, directing my graduate teaching assistants, and looking over the daily responses I required in my 300-level, interpersonal communication class (that had an enrollment of 150 students or more), took enormous amounts of time, so I would arrange my schedule, in order not to become too tired from working on a single project, to bounce between responsibilities. It kept me awake, alert, and sharp—and, it helped me accomplish a great deal more.
What I wondered after I finished my teaching career is how did I ever do it? My writing responsibilities were greater then (“publish or perish”), then they were after I retired from teaching. Also, I was involved in writing two popular college textbooks at the same time. It is obvious—in retrospect—what I did. First, I did far less relaxing. Two, because of the immediacy and responsibilities of teaching, I had to sacrifice the amount of time I gave to writing my textbooks. I just could not give them the time I was able to give them once I retired from teaching.
What I have discovered regarding “finding time to relax,” is that you must purposely work relaxation into your schedule. If you just plan to relax when you find the time—especially if you are a workaholic—it is unlikely you will do much relaxing, if any at all. I am not suggesting that the way I relax will work for everyone (perhaps no one!), but it offers two important lessons: First, different strokes for different folks! You need to work out a system or plan that purposefully and specifically incorporates relaxation.
The second lesson, and although I have not mentioned it thus far in this essay, relaxation will help you work better and more efficiently. For me, it improves my energy level, sleep, concentration, and creative ability. Doctors, too, will tell you relaxation gives the heart a rest by slowing the heart rate, reduces blood pressure, slows the rate of breathing, which reduces the need for oxygen, increases blood flow to the muscles, and decreases muscle tension.* Personally, there need be no more justification for working relaxation into my life.
*From the Heart of Healing web site, “Benefits of relaxation.”
-----
At MayoClinic.com the essay at Stress Management is called, “Relaxation techniques: Learn ways to reduce your stress,” the Mayo Clinic staff write, “Relaxation techniques can reduce stress symptoms and help you enjoy a better quality of life. Explore relaxation techniques you can do on your own,” and they offer 8 symptoms that can be reduced by relaxation and several main types of relaxation techniques.
At the New York Times, “Science” page, Daniel Goleman writes a wonderful essay on relaxation entitled, “Relaxation: Surprising Benefits Detected” (May 13, 1986) that you will find thorough, interesting, and beneficial.
At HelpGuide.com, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Joanna Saisan, MSW, Melinda Smith, M.A., Ellen Jaffe-Gill, M.A, and Robert Segal, M.A. contributed to the article, “Relaxation Techniques for Stress Relief: Relaxation Exercises to Reduce Stress, Anxiety, and Depression,” in which they offer a thorough discussion of the relaxation response, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation, guided imagery, yoga, tai chi, and massage therapy for stress relief.
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Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
It’s easy to get caught up in the helter-skelter of everyday life, community activities, job-related responsibilities, family happenings, etc. It can be, too, workaholism—the compulsive and unrelenting need to work. I tend to be a workaholic. I’ve been one all my life. When one project is complete I immediately proceed to the next one. Sometimes, too, I am involved in a number of projects at the same time.
I remember when I was teaching, and I took great personal pride (I never told anyone else at the time) in having my secretary involved in a revision of my teacher’s manual used by my 30 teaching assistants. At the same time, I was involved in the revision of two of my college textbooks, and both of the revised manuscripts were being read by developmental editors at two different publishing companies. I had a speech waiting for publication in Vital Speeches of the Day, and there were two scholarly articles, one waiting for immediate publication, and the other being read by a journal editor who was considering it for publication. The reader [a collection of articles] for my graduate-level course was being prepared by a duplicating office on campus, and while all of this was going on, I was preparing another book and updating the lectures I used in the basic course. I absolutely loved it.
So, it would be obvious for a reader of this essay to wonder, “Who are you to talk about finding time to relax?” I would contend quite the opposite: If a workaholic like myself can find time to relax, then that is precisely the person from whom I would like to hear! It’s like the very old aphorism: “If you have a job to do, give it to a busy person.”
I give myself plenty of time to relax; however, I do not waste time between work and that designated for relaxation. “Designated” to relaxing. Getting up at 3 a.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I find my two hours of exercising and jogging very relaxing. Every morning, seven-days-a-week, I spend 1 1/2-to-2 hours reading newspapers while eating breakfast and listening to background music—a relaxing way to begin each day and calm the spirit.
For lunch, I take a full one-hour, relaxing break, to make and eat my lunch, listen to music, and read any mail. Between projects, I often take a short break to pay bills, read and review books, post on Facebook, bring my blog up-to-date, or write a new essay. It may sound like this is work; however, like a professional golfer finds playing golf relaxing, I find writing (and working in my study) relaxing activities. I write to relax.
In addition to these forms of relaxation, my wife and I usually take two vacations each year. Often, one of these is a cruise. We have taken ten. For the second vacation, we take our fifth-wheel somewhere. These are additional relaxing times and, for the most part (not always), I try not to take work along. I do spend some time on each trip writing essays—not as work, but for relaxing. (Many of these essays eventually get posted on my blog )
Now I have revealed a secret. Much of my “work” is interwoven with my “play,” and in many cases, it would be difficult for someone to distinguish between them. Perhaps, that is sufficient explanation for how much I accomplish.
As an important aside here, I have to confess that I often work with the television on in the background—especially if there is a sporting function about which I am interested. I seldom just sit and watch a television program, unless it is later in the evening (after 9:00 p.m.), I have finished a project (like an essay like this), and I am ready to enjoy a beer along with a few pretzels, some lightly-salted peanuts, and popcorn. That is not just the way I celebrate the end of a day, but it, too, is a way to take my little bit of medicinal alcohol.
Very seldom, if ever, will you find me just sitting, relaxing, and watching television. There is little on television about which I am interested (except Big Ten college football); however, the shows I enjoy (such as Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC), I can have on in the background while I work at the computer.
One method I have found useful for finding time to relax is working in blocks of time. It is easier to get a group of projects finished when they are related. For example, I save bills for several days, then I will sit at my desk and pay all the bills, write all the checks, and prepare them for mailing—all at the same time. While at the computer writing essays, I will often post on Facebook, answer email messages, and bring my blog up-to-date. What these blocks of time afford is small blocks of time, too, to relax.
During the time I was teaching, I advocated for variety as opposed to blocks of time. That is, I spread my time among a wide-variety of projects—with an emphasis on “wide.” It was, at that time, the only way I would have time to write. Teaching, lecturing, directing my graduate teaching assistants, and looking over the daily responses I required in my 300-level, interpersonal communication class (that had an enrollment of 150 students or more), took enormous amounts of time, so I would arrange my schedule, in order not to become too tired from working on a single project, to bounce between responsibilities. It kept me awake, alert, and sharp—and, it helped me accomplish a great deal more.
What I wondered after I finished my teaching career is how did I ever do it? My writing responsibilities were greater then (“publish or perish”), then they were after I retired from teaching. Also, I was involved in writing two popular college textbooks at the same time. It is obvious—in retrospect—what I did. First, I did far less relaxing. Two, because of the immediacy and responsibilities of teaching, I had to sacrifice the amount of time I gave to writing my textbooks. I just could not give them the time I was able to give them once I retired from teaching.
What I have discovered regarding “finding time to relax,” is that you must purposely work relaxation into your schedule. If you just plan to relax when you find the time—especially if you are a workaholic—it is unlikely you will do much relaxing, if any at all. I am not suggesting that the way I relax will work for everyone (perhaps no one!), but it offers two important lessons: First, different strokes for different folks! You need to work out a system or plan that purposefully and specifically incorporates relaxation.
The second lesson, and although I have not mentioned it thus far in this essay, relaxation will help you work better and more efficiently. For me, it improves my energy level, sleep, concentration, and creative ability. Doctors, too, will tell you relaxation gives the heart a rest by slowing the heart rate, reduces blood pressure, slows the rate of breathing, which reduces the need for oxygen, increases blood flow to the muscles, and decreases muscle tension.* Personally, there need be no more justification for working relaxation into my life.
*From the Heart of Healing web site, “Benefits of relaxation.”
-----
At MayoClinic.com the essay at Stress Management is called, “Relaxation techniques: Learn ways to reduce your stress,” the Mayo Clinic staff write, “Relaxation techniques can reduce stress symptoms and help you enjoy a better quality of life. Explore relaxation techniques you can do on your own,” and they offer 8 symptoms that can be reduced by relaxation and several main types of relaxation techniques.
At the New York Times, “Science” page, Daniel Goleman writes a wonderful essay on relaxation entitled, “Relaxation: Surprising Benefits Detected” (May 13, 1986) that you will find thorough, interesting, and beneficial.
At HelpGuide.com, Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Joanna Saisan, MSW, Melinda Smith, M.A., Ellen Jaffe-Gill, M.A, and Robert Segal, M.A. contributed to the article, “Relaxation Techniques for Stress Relief: Relaxation Exercises to Reduce Stress, Anxiety, and Depression,” in which they offer a thorough discussion of the relaxation response, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation, guided imagery, yoga, tai chi, and massage therapy for stress relief.
-----
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Keys to Overcoming Boredom---Entering the Room of Choices
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
As I prepared for church this morning, it seemed to me I had just done it, even though it was a full week ago. When I pulled down all the Christmas decorations from the attic, it seemed as if I just put them up there the day before. Time flies, the routines become repetitive, and there seems to be little that is new and different. It is easy to get caught up in the every day, become drugged by the nausea and din of life, and “go with the flow” because it requires no thought, satisfies our comfort zone, and permits nothing but our base survival instincts — routines that are deeply entrenched.
Now, if you are a regular reader (or even an occasional one) of my essays, you already know the key to the keys to overcoming boredom. That is, there is a key to entry into the room of choices. This is the room in which you are free to select different ways to combat boredom. But, if you’re not in the room of choices, there is no way to overcome it. What is the entry key?
The key to the keys is a basic desire — an “I want to” — because without that base-line motivation, no further key in the room of choices will work.
(Just an aside here. Wouldn’t it be great if there were an M.P. (motivational pill) that we could take that would spark (ignite) the desire? That M.P. would be the key to the room. Can you imagine the popularity of an M.P. pill?)
My point is simple: Nothing that any writer, motivational speaker, or person can do or say will work if he or she is facing total lethargy, boredom, or ennui. When boredom or laziness is deeply entrenched it is just plain easier to continue following this course of least resistence — a life of no change — nothingness (apathy).
(Another aside here. One of the problems with so many people is that they are truly uninformed, and they don’t care. Choosing to be informed, they know, requires purpose, direction, motivation, and effort — desire! I prefer not knowing.)
Thus, any suggestion of keys (in the room of choices) to overcoming boredom must not involve going out and meeting others, reading, going to church or to the library, or even breaking through the barriers that cause ennui. Any suggestion for overcoming boredom must first address the lack of desire. How does anyone light that spark or re-invigorate basic motivation?
You already know this, but it bears repeating: You are responsible for your behavior. Any change, improvement, or success — just as any frustration, annoyance, or lack of progress — is dependent on you and, in the end, on you alone. So, let’s begin by exploring how to deal with this basic fact. Where can you begin? What, indeed, is the key to the room of choices?
First, recognize the fact that you are a total victim of your routines, and it is your routines that are boring, repetitive, and uninspiring. Routine behaviors can be un-motivating. If you don’t break the routines nothing will happen. You don’t have to do a lot, but you have to do something. Change the time you go to bed or the time you get up. Change the television channels or shows that you watch or the Internet sites you visit. Change your attire in some small way or the way you do your hair. Change the route you take to work, the food you choose to eat, the friends with whom you associate, or the books you choose to read.
Any change in your life has the power to change negative thoughts into positive ones.
One frustration that occurs when routines become boring is that your brain begins
bombarding you with negative or limiting thoughts. “Life isn’t worth living,” “Nothing exciting ever happens,” “I am utterly and hopelessly stuck,” “I’m bored, apathetic, lazy, and I don’t care,” “I will never succeed.” Those are precisely the thoughts that will make you question if any effort is worthwhile. Why change?
One simple way to control these negative thoughts is to ignore them. Another is to say CANCEL immediately when you hear them. By acting in a strong and decisive manner you will disrupt the negative thought and prevent it from growing and causing you to remain as you are or revert to the security of where it is most comfortable. Saying CANCEL is a simple method, but you need simplicity when negative thoughts occur. It is an excellent way to help you build your motivation.
With small changes and a new way of thinking (canceling negative thoughts as they occur), you need to depend on your resources. As a functioning human being, you are a problem solver. Not only do you have innate and successful problem-solving skills, but you are a creative person, too, and you need to put your skills, experience, and knowledge to work at once. With Internet access, you can expose yourself to more knowledge and more knowledgeable people than anyone at any previous time in history.
Just those little changes you make in your life as well as the cancellation of negative thinking can result in a complete change of perspective. Suddenly you will find new opportunities opening up, not only for personal growth, but for careers, relationships, and numerous other possibilities.
If you choose not to put your thoughts and feelings into action, you won't be taking
charge of your life and stagnation, negativity, and inactivity will continue unabated. But change, even a small one, can open the door to positive action, optimism, and growth.
There are many benefits to personal change; however, what you must do at this new stage of development is to set goals to keep yourself moving in a positive direction. “I want to be more assertive,” “I want to listen better,” “I want to develop a serious relationship,” “I want to accomplish more in my life,” “I want to break out from this dungeon of depression.” By setting goals you will also be able to accomplish more in a shorter time. Each time you are successful at achieving a goal you move forward with more clarity, and you become increasingly positive and stronger. Each achievement provides greater incentives to be even more successful. Success builds on itself just as small changes (where you began) build on themselves.
Now is the time to combat boredom more directly. You are now in the room of choices. Surround yourself with positive people, keep active, read new, interesting, positive material on the Internet, eat healthy food, begin a regular exercise routine, and get enough sleep. With a more positive and optimistic outlook, you need to accept that some boredom in life is inevitable. Do what has to be done as quickly as possible, and get on with it. Life can’t be all fun and games. Pat Riley, the basketball coach said, “If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges” — the challenges offered in the room of choices.
- - - - - - - -
At wikiHow there is an essay, “How to overcome boredom,” in which Fatimah Musa, Anonymous, Sondra C, Ben Rubenstein, and others offer and discuss 30 practical ways to overcome boredom.
Etienne A. Gibbs, a management consultant and trainer, at HomeHighlight.org, offers and discusses six great ways for overcoming boredom in her article,
“Overcoming boredom in six ways.”
At the website Positive-thinking-for-you.com, there is an inspiring essay, “Motivational Tips From A To Z That Truly End With Your Success In Life!” by an author who goes by the name of “Howard.” The tips are practical and useful. Also, click on “Home” from the left-column index, and see many of the other inspiring essays available at this website.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
As I prepared for church this morning, it seemed to me I had just done it, even though it was a full week ago. When I pulled down all the Christmas decorations from the attic, it seemed as if I just put them up there the day before. Time flies, the routines become repetitive, and there seems to be little that is new and different. It is easy to get caught up in the every day, become drugged by the nausea and din of life, and “go with the flow” because it requires no thought, satisfies our comfort zone, and permits nothing but our base survival instincts — routines that are deeply entrenched.
Now, if you are a regular reader (or even an occasional one) of my essays, you already know the key to the keys to overcoming boredom. That is, there is a key to entry into the room of choices. This is the room in which you are free to select different ways to combat boredom. But, if you’re not in the room of choices, there is no way to overcome it. What is the entry key?
The key to the keys is a basic desire — an “I want to” — because without that base-line motivation, no further key in the room of choices will work.
(Just an aside here. Wouldn’t it be great if there were an M.P. (motivational pill) that we could take that would spark (ignite) the desire? That M.P. would be the key to the room. Can you imagine the popularity of an M.P. pill?)
My point is simple: Nothing that any writer, motivational speaker, or person can do or say will work if he or she is facing total lethargy, boredom, or ennui. When boredom or laziness is deeply entrenched it is just plain easier to continue following this course of least resistence — a life of no change — nothingness (apathy).
(Another aside here. One of the problems with so many people is that they are truly uninformed, and they don’t care. Choosing to be informed, they know, requires purpose, direction, motivation, and effort — desire! I prefer not knowing.)
Thus, any suggestion of keys (in the room of choices) to overcoming boredom must not involve going out and meeting others, reading, going to church or to the library, or even breaking through the barriers that cause ennui. Any suggestion for overcoming boredom must first address the lack of desire. How does anyone light that spark or re-invigorate basic motivation?
You already know this, but it bears repeating: You are responsible for your behavior. Any change, improvement, or success — just as any frustration, annoyance, or lack of progress — is dependent on you and, in the end, on you alone. So, let’s begin by exploring how to deal with this basic fact. Where can you begin? What, indeed, is the key to the room of choices?
First, recognize the fact that you are a total victim of your routines, and it is your routines that are boring, repetitive, and uninspiring. Routine behaviors can be un-motivating. If you don’t break the routines nothing will happen. You don’t have to do a lot, but you have to do something. Change the time you go to bed or the time you get up. Change the television channels or shows that you watch or the Internet sites you visit. Change your attire in some small way or the way you do your hair. Change the route you take to work, the food you choose to eat, the friends with whom you associate, or the books you choose to read.
Any change in your life has the power to change negative thoughts into positive ones.
One frustration that occurs when routines become boring is that your brain begins
bombarding you with negative or limiting thoughts. “Life isn’t worth living,” “Nothing exciting ever happens,” “I am utterly and hopelessly stuck,” “I’m bored, apathetic, lazy, and I don’t care,” “I will never succeed.” Those are precisely the thoughts that will make you question if any effort is worthwhile. Why change?
One simple way to control these negative thoughts is to ignore them. Another is to say CANCEL immediately when you hear them. By acting in a strong and decisive manner you will disrupt the negative thought and prevent it from growing and causing you to remain as you are or revert to the security of where it is most comfortable. Saying CANCEL is a simple method, but you need simplicity when negative thoughts occur. It is an excellent way to help you build your motivation.
With small changes and a new way of thinking (canceling negative thoughts as they occur), you need to depend on your resources. As a functioning human being, you are a problem solver. Not only do you have innate and successful problem-solving skills, but you are a creative person, too, and you need to put your skills, experience, and knowledge to work at once. With Internet access, you can expose yourself to more knowledge and more knowledgeable people than anyone at any previous time in history.
Just those little changes you make in your life as well as the cancellation of negative thinking can result in a complete change of perspective. Suddenly you will find new opportunities opening up, not only for personal growth, but for careers, relationships, and numerous other possibilities.
If you choose not to put your thoughts and feelings into action, you won't be taking
charge of your life and stagnation, negativity, and inactivity will continue unabated. But change, even a small one, can open the door to positive action, optimism, and growth.
There are many benefits to personal change; however, what you must do at this new stage of development is to set goals to keep yourself moving in a positive direction. “I want to be more assertive,” “I want to listen better,” “I want to develop a serious relationship,” “I want to accomplish more in my life,” “I want to break out from this dungeon of depression.” By setting goals you will also be able to accomplish more in a shorter time. Each time you are successful at achieving a goal you move forward with more clarity, and you become increasingly positive and stronger. Each achievement provides greater incentives to be even more successful. Success builds on itself just as small changes (where you began) build on themselves.
Now is the time to combat boredom more directly. You are now in the room of choices. Surround yourself with positive people, keep active, read new, interesting, positive material on the Internet, eat healthy food, begin a regular exercise routine, and get enough sleep. With a more positive and optimistic outlook, you need to accept that some boredom in life is inevitable. Do what has to be done as quickly as possible, and get on with it. Life can’t be all fun and games. Pat Riley, the basketball coach said, “If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges” — the challenges offered in the room of choices.
- - - - - - - -
At wikiHow there is an essay, “How to overcome boredom,” in which Fatimah Musa, Anonymous, Sondra C, Ben Rubenstein, and others offer and discuss 30 practical ways to overcome boredom.
Etienne A. Gibbs, a management consultant and trainer, at HomeHighlight.org, offers and discusses six great ways for overcoming boredom in her article,
“Overcoming boredom in six ways.”
At the website Positive-thinking-for-you.com, there is an inspiring essay, “Motivational Tips From A To Z That Truly End With Your Success In Life!” by an author who goes by the name of “Howard.” The tips are practical and useful. Also, click on “Home” from the left-column index, and see many of the other inspiring essays available at this website.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, L.L.C.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Is it nostalgia or is it music? Maybe both.
By Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
My wife gave me a “Wooden Music Center with Recordable CD Player” for Christmas this year. Not particularly liking modern technology, I waited eleven days to open the box. It sat in my study until I could muster the stamina (the sheer determination) to open it, pull the Center from its foam protection, and read the instructions. My lack of technical expertise caused me to read with great care, but I was resolved to make this work.
It is true that I had been wanting an instrument that would convert my 33 1/3rd vinyl records to CDs for some time. I have over 500 LPs — collected over a long period — and they had been stored for close to 25 years. I didn’t even know for certain they would still be playable. At one point I came home with a similar music center only to find out that it did not include a recordable CD player.
This Music Center my wife bought me was truly an impressive piece of equipment manufactured by Innovative Technology (i.t.). It was made in a dark-walnut stained oak, the various parts are metal, not plastic, and it stands 12-inches high, 12-inches deep, and 20-inches across the front of it. The best part of it, however, for a non-techie, is how easy it is to use. Basically, when recording from vinyl to CD, it involves adjusting two volume controls, pressing a record button, and then pressing a press/play button just after the needle hits the record.
I immediately set up a portable 2-foot by 4-foot table in my study and adjusted its height to 30-inches so that I would have a solid place to put the Music Center (at eye level) and a place, as well, where I could put records, CD-Rs, and CD sleeves for labeling each. Also, I could keep the instructions for the Music Center operation open and at a convenient height for reading when it comes time to finalize CDs.
All of this information is only a prelude to what was to come. I began the process of recording CDs just a short five days ago, and to date I have burned 20 CD-Rs or close to 40% of my first purchase of 50 CD-Rs. It has been an unbelievable trip back through the years.
For me, listening to these old LPs, stirs up wonderful memories. One of the initial reasons for investing in them in the first place was my love of music. A secondary reason was the enjoyment from having music in the background as I studied, read, and wrote. Many of the songs took me back to some of the early speeches and articles I wrote as a young instructor and assistant professor at Indiana University and then the University of Massachusetts. The music truly uplifts and transports me.
It is interesting that as I listen to these records my mood is enhanced. I feel more joyous, lighthearted, and ebullient. I trace much of this to the reasons why I began collecting records in the first place. Originally, it was the available form in which I could purchase music inexpensively — 45 rpms. In the beginning, I collected for pleasure, but soon after that, I discovered that having the latest songs promoted my popularity. When I became leader of my church youth group, I promoted dances among the youth and with other youth groups as well. In all cases, it was my record player that we used and my records to which people would dance. Those were wonderful days of fun.
When my family went around the world, I took a large number of 45s along with me. That was when rock ‘n roll was new, and many other cultures had just heard of it (1960-61). My younger sister taught me how to dance, and we would put on exhibitions. For example, in Karachi, West Pakistan, where we stayed for two weeks prior to going to Dacca, East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), where both my parents (Fulbright scholars) taught, we would go to the main hotel downtown to dance in the evenings, and we always drew large crowds of onlookers.
You can easily see that for a person just beginning college (and my sister who was still in high school), these exhibition experiences did wonders for our confidence and egos. It never failed that our dancing served as conversation starters. People, of course, wanted to know where we were from, where we learned to dance, and what we were doing so far away from home.
As I sit here and write this essay, I can remember no negative experiences associated with the songs I am listening to. And, what is truly amazing, as I was looking over the LPs I collected many years ago, I have continued to make similar choices in the CDs I have chosen to collect even today — which amounts to nearly the same number of LPs. It is surprising that my tastes have not changed substantially.
For the purposes of writing this essay, I Googled “the benefits of nostalgia,” and I discovered a website that serves as support for my observations above. At HealthPsych.com, in an essay entitled, “Sweet, sweet memories,” the author, a psychologist from Australia, writes about such nostalgic experiences:
“Psychologist Tim Wildschut and his colleagues have found nostalgic memories, such as I experienced, to be a potent mood booster. They found that people who write about good memories are more cheerful compared to people who write about everyday events, report higher self-esteem and feel more positively about their personal relationships. These findings reinforce earlier studies which also show the protective psychological benefits of nostalgia.”
I wonder if those who collect music, in whatever form, tend to be more cheerful than the general population? I wonder, too, if those who continually play the music they played, purchased, or heard during their “growing years” tend to have higher self-esteem or feel more positively about their personal relationships?
At About.com:StressManagement Elizabeth Scott, in an essay entitled, “Music and Your Body: How Music Affects Us and Why Music Therapy Promotes Health - How and Why Is Music A Good Tool For Health?” writes about the profound effect music can have on your body and psyche. In addition to stimulating brain waves, counteracting stress, producing a positive state of mind by keeping depression and anxiety at bay, lowering blood pressure (which can also reduce the risk of stroke and other health problems over time), and boosting immunity, it also can ease muscle tension.
Then I wondered if it was the nostaligia or the music having the positive effect? Perhaps it was a little of both. Whatever the cause, the effect was positive, encouraging, and revitalizing.
-----
Michael Pollick, at wiseGEEK.com, has an essay on, “Is nostalgia healthy?” The essence of his essay is contained in this sentence, “While nostalgia in reasonable doses can provide a sense of comfort for stressed-out adults, too much nostalgia can have a negative effect.”
At Success Consciousness.com, Remez Sasson has written an essay on, “The power of positive thinking.” Although I found music to assist me in thinking positively (as in the essay above), Sasson offers at least six additional, specific, and practical suggestions. There are many essays on positive thinking; this one is short and to the point.
-----
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
My wife gave me a “Wooden Music Center with Recordable CD Player” for Christmas this year. Not particularly liking modern technology, I waited eleven days to open the box. It sat in my study until I could muster the stamina (the sheer determination) to open it, pull the Center from its foam protection, and read the instructions. My lack of technical expertise caused me to read with great care, but I was resolved to make this work.
It is true that I had been wanting an instrument that would convert my 33 1/3rd vinyl records to CDs for some time. I have over 500 LPs — collected over a long period — and they had been stored for close to 25 years. I didn’t even know for certain they would still be playable. At one point I came home with a similar music center only to find out that it did not include a recordable CD player.
This Music Center my wife bought me was truly an impressive piece of equipment manufactured by Innovative Technology (i.t.). It was made in a dark-walnut stained oak, the various parts are metal, not plastic, and it stands 12-inches high, 12-inches deep, and 20-inches across the front of it. The best part of it, however, for a non-techie, is how easy it is to use. Basically, when recording from vinyl to CD, it involves adjusting two volume controls, pressing a record button, and then pressing a press/play button just after the needle hits the record.
I immediately set up a portable 2-foot by 4-foot table in my study and adjusted its height to 30-inches so that I would have a solid place to put the Music Center (at eye level) and a place, as well, where I could put records, CD-Rs, and CD sleeves for labeling each. Also, I could keep the instructions for the Music Center operation open and at a convenient height for reading when it comes time to finalize CDs.
All of this information is only a prelude to what was to come. I began the process of recording CDs just a short five days ago, and to date I have burned 20 CD-Rs or close to 40% of my first purchase of 50 CD-Rs. It has been an unbelievable trip back through the years.
For me, listening to these old LPs, stirs up wonderful memories. One of the initial reasons for investing in them in the first place was my love of music. A secondary reason was the enjoyment from having music in the background as I studied, read, and wrote. Many of the songs took me back to some of the early speeches and articles I wrote as a young instructor and assistant professor at Indiana University and then the University of Massachusetts. The music truly uplifts and transports me.
It is interesting that as I listen to these records my mood is enhanced. I feel more joyous, lighthearted, and ebullient. I trace much of this to the reasons why I began collecting records in the first place. Originally, it was the available form in which I could purchase music inexpensively — 45 rpms. In the beginning, I collected for pleasure, but soon after that, I discovered that having the latest songs promoted my popularity. When I became leader of my church youth group, I promoted dances among the youth and with other youth groups as well. In all cases, it was my record player that we used and my records to which people would dance. Those were wonderful days of fun.
When my family went around the world, I took a large number of 45s along with me. That was when rock ‘n roll was new, and many other cultures had just heard of it (1960-61). My younger sister taught me how to dance, and we would put on exhibitions. For example, in Karachi, West Pakistan, where we stayed for two weeks prior to going to Dacca, East Pakistan (now Bangladesh), where both my parents (Fulbright scholars) taught, we would go to the main hotel downtown to dance in the evenings, and we always drew large crowds of onlookers.
You can easily see that for a person just beginning college (and my sister who was still in high school), these exhibition experiences did wonders for our confidence and egos. It never failed that our dancing served as conversation starters. People, of course, wanted to know where we were from, where we learned to dance, and what we were doing so far away from home.
As I sit here and write this essay, I can remember no negative experiences associated with the songs I am listening to. And, what is truly amazing, as I was looking over the LPs I collected many years ago, I have continued to make similar choices in the CDs I have chosen to collect even today — which amounts to nearly the same number of LPs. It is surprising that my tastes have not changed substantially.
For the purposes of writing this essay, I Googled “the benefits of nostalgia,” and I discovered a website that serves as support for my observations above. At HealthPsych.com, in an essay entitled, “Sweet, sweet memories,” the author, a psychologist from Australia, writes about such nostalgic experiences:
“Psychologist Tim Wildschut and his colleagues have found nostalgic memories, such as I experienced, to be a potent mood booster. They found that people who write about good memories are more cheerful compared to people who write about everyday events, report higher self-esteem and feel more positively about their personal relationships. These findings reinforce earlier studies which also show the protective psychological benefits of nostalgia.”
I wonder if those who collect music, in whatever form, tend to be more cheerful than the general population? I wonder, too, if those who continually play the music they played, purchased, or heard during their “growing years” tend to have higher self-esteem or feel more positively about their personal relationships?
At About.com:StressManagement Elizabeth Scott, in an essay entitled, “Music and Your Body: How Music Affects Us and Why Music Therapy Promotes Health - How and Why Is Music A Good Tool For Health?” writes about the profound effect music can have on your body and psyche. In addition to stimulating brain waves, counteracting stress, producing a positive state of mind by keeping depression and anxiety at bay, lowering blood pressure (which can also reduce the risk of stroke and other health problems over time), and boosting immunity, it also can ease muscle tension.
Then I wondered if it was the nostaligia or the music having the positive effect? Perhaps it was a little of both. Whatever the cause, the effect was positive, encouraging, and revitalizing.
-----
Michael Pollick, at wiseGEEK.com, has an essay on, “Is nostalgia healthy?” The essence of his essay is contained in this sentence, “While nostalgia in reasonable doses can provide a sense of comfort for stressed-out adults, too much nostalgia can have a negative effect.”
At Success Consciousness.com, Remez Sasson has written an essay on, “The power of positive thinking.” Although I found music to assist me in thinking positively (as in the essay above), Sasson offers at least six additional, specific, and practical suggestions. There are many essays on positive thinking; this one is short and to the point.
-----
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
What one letter can do II
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I had just picked up a copy of Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval’s book, The power of small: Why little things make all the difference (Boradway Books, 2009) as a small item occurred that made a big difference in some people’s lives. This story is what their book is about.
On May 20, 2009, at the request of my granddaughter, Mckenzie, I donated blood at Woodland School in Perrysburg, Ohio. For me, donating is a regular thing, and I donate as often as I can. While donating, I signaled the woman in charge of the donation to come to my donation site.
When she arrived I told her of a lingering concern of mine which I had expressed for the past several years each time I donated. I showed her the “dirty” sponge ball I was compressing as I was donating, and then I told her of a grim statistic which truly made her grimace.
“Are you aware,” I said with forthrightness, “that most men don’t wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom?”
It looked to me as if she was completely unaware of this, and she replied something to the effect of, “Oh, yuck.”
She proceeded at once to let me know that she would make a note of it and pass on my concern to her superiors. She went back to her table and lifted up her pad and pen to show that she was engaged in the writing of the memo.
Now, I have no idea about the effect/results of her memo (and I heard nothing more about it), but when I went home I used the Internet to locate the name of the executive director of the American Red Cross in the greater Toledo area, and I sat down to write Tim Yenrick a letter.
I alerted Mr. Yenrick to the situation, and I quoted statistics I found from Science Daily (quoting from my letter to him) that reported “that only 66% of men wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom. The percentage,” the report stated, “is much higher (88%) for women.” “If the report were based on my own observations alone,” I wrote in my letter to Mr. Yenrick, “I would suggest that barely 50% of men wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom.”
“What this means,” the letter to Mr. Yenrick continues, “is that 33% of men and at least 12% of women who grip this rubber ball have not washed their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom.” My letter continues: “From the website, WinkNews.com, I quote for your interest: ‘Frequent hand washing is the single best thing people can do to avoid getting sick, from colds and the flu to germs lurking in food, doctors say.’”
I gave Mr. Yenrick several possible solutions, let him know that I am not a constant complainer nor one who creates problems, provided him a way to contact me, and mentioned that I would appreciate a response to my letter.
Less than one week later, Ms. Peggy A. Holewinski, Development Officer, American Red Cross, Greater Toledo Area Chapter, responded by email, on behalf of Mr. Yenrick, who said she understood my “concerns over disease transmission and the re-use of a rubber ball during blood donations.” “However,” she added, “the American Red Cross is one organization with two divisions. Blood Services and Chapter. We have forwarded a copy of your letter,” she said, “to the CEO of Blood Services.” And she provided the name, address, phone, and email of: Mr. Donald L. Baker, Chief Executive Officer, American Red Cross, Western Lake Erie Blood Services Region
Ms. Holewinski added, “I am certain Mr. Baker will be in touch with you next week.”
On July 8, 2009, Ms. Kathy Smith, Director, Donor Services, Western Lake Erie Blood Services Region, called me to explain she had received a copy of my letter, and that she was going to do something about it. She said that about a year ago (in 2008), the matter had been raised, but (apologizing profusely) she admitted she had not followed through on the complaint. She said that my letter would prompt not just her attention but action as well.
That evening (July 8, 2009), I checked the messages I had received, and there was an email message from Ms. Smith saying, “Thank you again for taking my call today and for your patience in the timeliness of our region’s response.”
She continued in her email message saying, “I just received the memo prepared by our collection team supervisor and see that the date we will start having the hand sanitizer on the canteen table will be Monday [July] 13th. This memo is going in our team’s mailboxes today [July 8, 2009]. We’ll ask that our Supervisors spot check for a few weeks to watch for consistency on this practice. Please do let me know if your next experience doesn’t include this opportunity to clean your hands after donation." Most people move from the donation site to a table where they consume water, coffee, cookies, and other snacks---meaning that they convey the germs from their hands directly to their mouth.
A hand sanitizer located between donation sites and the canteen area made very good sense.
In her last paragraph, Ms. Kathy Smith thanked me for my loyalty and commitment, and she explained, “About 5% of our total eligible population donates blood. Most of us have had family, friends, co-workers or neighbors that have been recipients of this life saving gift. Thank you for your contribution of blood and for the time you give us with each donation. You serve patients in need.”
With her letter to me, Ms. Smith enclosed an attachment. It was the memo from Chet Greene, Collection Team Supervisor, “To Collections Supervisors and Regulatory staff,” with a copy to both Kathy Smith and Michele Blodgett (with whom I have had no contact). The subject line reads: “Sani Hand Cleaner.” And this is what the memo said:
“Due to recent concerns from our donors about the squeeze balls used during
phlebotomy and the potential for germ transmission we are requesting that a
bottle of the Sani Hand Cleanser be put in canteen areas for donors use after
they leave the VP area to enjoy canteen snacks....This will help to enhance the
donors’ overall experience at our blood drives. We would like for you to begin
this starting Monday 07/13/09 placing a bottle of the hand cleanser in canteen
areas.”
From all that I read, it was my single letter that prompted this change. Now when you donate blood, please don’t just notice the hand sanitizer in the canteen area, having just squeezed a dirty sponge ball as you donated, please use it before having your cookies or leaving the donation site. Thaler and Robin Koval’s book, The power of small, offers hundreds more examples about how small things can make a big difference.
-----
If you’ve never donated blood, this website, sponsored by the American Red Cross, is entitled, “FAQs About Donating Blood.” On the site are listed 13 questions such as the safety and frequency of donating, as well as your eligibility, the time it takes, and how a pleasant situation can be provided.
“Life Advice About Being a Blood Donor,” offers even more and varied information. If you’ve never donated blood, this website offers a very quick read about all aspects of the experience. It if definitely worth a visit.
-----
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
I had just picked up a copy of Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval’s book, The power of small: Why little things make all the difference (Boradway Books, 2009) as a small item occurred that made a big difference in some people’s lives. This story is what their book is about.
On May 20, 2009, at the request of my granddaughter, Mckenzie, I donated blood at Woodland School in Perrysburg, Ohio. For me, donating is a regular thing, and I donate as often as I can. While donating, I signaled the woman in charge of the donation to come to my donation site.
When she arrived I told her of a lingering concern of mine which I had expressed for the past several years each time I donated. I showed her the “dirty” sponge ball I was compressing as I was donating, and then I told her of a grim statistic which truly made her grimace.
“Are you aware,” I said with forthrightness, “that most men don’t wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom?”
It looked to me as if she was completely unaware of this, and she replied something to the effect of, “Oh, yuck.”
She proceeded at once to let me know that she would make a note of it and pass on my concern to her superiors. She went back to her table and lifted up her pad and pen to show that she was engaged in the writing of the memo.
Now, I have no idea about the effect/results of her memo (and I heard nothing more about it), but when I went home I used the Internet to locate the name of the executive director of the American Red Cross in the greater Toledo area, and I sat down to write Tim Yenrick a letter.
I alerted Mr. Yenrick to the situation, and I quoted statistics I found from Science Daily (quoting from my letter to him) that reported “that only 66% of men wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom. The percentage,” the report stated, “is much higher (88%) for women.” “If the report were based on my own observations alone,” I wrote in my letter to Mr. Yenrick, “I would suggest that barely 50% of men wash their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom.”
“What this means,” the letter to Mr. Yenrick continues, “is that 33% of men and at least 12% of women who grip this rubber ball have not washed their hands with soap and water after going to the bathroom.” My letter continues: “From the website, WinkNews.com, I quote for your interest: ‘Frequent hand washing is the single best thing people can do to avoid getting sick, from colds and the flu to germs lurking in food, doctors say.’”
I gave Mr. Yenrick several possible solutions, let him know that I am not a constant complainer nor one who creates problems, provided him a way to contact me, and mentioned that I would appreciate a response to my letter.
Less than one week later, Ms. Peggy A. Holewinski, Development Officer, American Red Cross, Greater Toledo Area Chapter, responded by email, on behalf of Mr. Yenrick, who said she understood my “concerns over disease transmission and the re-use of a rubber ball during blood donations.” “However,” she added, “the American Red Cross is one organization with two divisions. Blood Services and Chapter. We have forwarded a copy of your letter,” she said, “to the CEO of Blood Services.” And she provided the name, address, phone, and email of: Mr. Donald L. Baker, Chief Executive Officer, American Red Cross, Western Lake Erie Blood Services Region
Ms. Holewinski added, “I am certain Mr. Baker will be in touch with you next week.”
On July 8, 2009, Ms. Kathy Smith, Director, Donor Services, Western Lake Erie Blood Services Region, called me to explain she had received a copy of my letter, and that she was going to do something about it. She said that about a year ago (in 2008), the matter had been raised, but (apologizing profusely) she admitted she had not followed through on the complaint. She said that my letter would prompt not just her attention but action as well.
That evening (July 8, 2009), I checked the messages I had received, and there was an email message from Ms. Smith saying, “Thank you again for taking my call today and for your patience in the timeliness of our region’s response.”
She continued in her email message saying, “I just received the memo prepared by our collection team supervisor and see that the date we will start having the hand sanitizer on the canteen table will be Monday [July] 13th. This memo is going in our team’s mailboxes today [July 8, 2009]. We’ll ask that our Supervisors spot check for a few weeks to watch for consistency on this practice. Please do let me know if your next experience doesn’t include this opportunity to clean your hands after donation." Most people move from the donation site to a table where they consume water, coffee, cookies, and other snacks---meaning that they convey the germs from their hands directly to their mouth.
A hand sanitizer located between donation sites and the canteen area made very good sense.
In her last paragraph, Ms. Kathy Smith thanked me for my loyalty and commitment, and she explained, “About 5% of our total eligible population donates blood. Most of us have had family, friends, co-workers or neighbors that have been recipients of this life saving gift. Thank you for your contribution of blood and for the time you give us with each donation. You serve patients in need.”
With her letter to me, Ms. Smith enclosed an attachment. It was the memo from Chet Greene, Collection Team Supervisor, “To Collections Supervisors and Regulatory staff,” with a copy to both Kathy Smith and Michele Blodgett (with whom I have had no contact). The subject line reads: “Sani Hand Cleaner.” And this is what the memo said:
“Due to recent concerns from our donors about the squeeze balls used during
phlebotomy and the potential for germ transmission we are requesting that a
bottle of the Sani Hand Cleanser be put in canteen areas for donors use after
they leave the VP area to enjoy canteen snacks....This will help to enhance the
donors’ overall experience at our blood drives. We would like for you to begin
this starting Monday 07/13/09 placing a bottle of the hand cleanser in canteen
areas.”
From all that I read, it was my single letter that prompted this change. Now when you donate blood, please don’t just notice the hand sanitizer in the canteen area, having just squeezed a dirty sponge ball as you donated, please use it before having your cookies or leaving the donation site. Thaler and Robin Koval’s book, The power of small, offers hundreds more examples about how small things can make a big difference.
-----
If you’ve never donated blood, this website, sponsored by the American Red Cross, is entitled, “FAQs About Donating Blood.” On the site are listed 13 questions such as the safety and frequency of donating, as well as your eligibility, the time it takes, and how a pleasant situation can be provided.
“Life Advice About Being a Blood Donor,” offers even more and varied information. If you’ve never donated blood, this website offers a very quick read about all aspects of the experience. It if definitely worth a visit.
-----
Copyright July, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
What one letter can do.
by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
I really didn’t think anything about it when it happened because her action fit into a pleasing matrix of supportive, encouraging, positive behavior; however, it was such a treat that I decided to write a letter describing her actions. This is the letter I wrote:
Mr. Anthony Sprenger, Branch Manager
Key Bank
1088 Louisiana Avenue
Perrysburg, OH 43551
Dear Mr. Sprenger:
This unsolicited letter is designed specifically to extol the virtues of Monica Kernahan — an outstanding Key Bank client-service representative.
We have been associated with Key Bank since it took over State Home Savings Bank in 1984. Previously we had done all our banking with State Home Savings, and when the change occurred, we then did all our banking with Key Bank; thus, our association with Monica goes back as far as 1985 — twenty-four years of wonderful, caring, respectful service.
The most recent example of her adeptness and capability took place within the last fifteen minutes; however, it is a true and representative example of the many associations I have had with her during the near quarter-of-a-century relationship.
On January 9, 2009, I took out a second Key Equity Option with Monica which she promptly deposited into my Key Bank checking account. At the time, this was a second Key Equity Option account. Although we did not discuss it, monthly payments for the first Key Equity Option were automatically deducted from our checking account.
On February 14, 2009, I received the first notification that the “Total Minimum Payment” of was due, and an envelope was enclosed for payment. I called Monica at 12:50 p.m. on February 23rd to make certain that the payment would be made automatically, and she assured me she set up the account in that manner.
Well, to make a long story short, at 11:45 a.m. today (02-27-09), she called me (unsolicited and unexpected) to let me know that as of yesterday, the automatic payment had taken place. It was simply a call to inform me, keep me posted, and let me know that she was on top of things — making certain that my concerns were her concerns and that full closure had taken place on this account.
Mr. Sprenger, it is precisely this kind of service, kindness, and attention to detail that has caused me to return again, and again, and again to Monica (and, obviously, Key Bank).
Monica discharges her duties and then some. She helps bank clients and then some. She assists those who ask for information and then some. And, Mr. Sprenger, I am always impressed with her thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and unrestrained compassion. The friendliness and generosity she has displayed are truly representative of outstanding service, and I feel she is an excellent model of excellence for Key Bank.
There are several lessons here for those who want to “extol the virtues” of others who have touched their lives in direct and positive ways. The first key is to find out exactly who should be contacted. It is not just the immediate supervisor for he or she may not carry the weight necessary to present your comments to others. You need to find out who is the person who can make a difference, get the correct spelling of that person’s name, and get the exact address (or phone number) to which to send your letter.
A phone call alone may not have the impact you desire, does not provide a permanent record, and may not be passed along. What I have found is that a letter serves these purposes best for several reasons: 1) It can be copied, and a copy can be given to the person about whom you are writing. 2) A copy can be sent to those in superior positions, or to whose likely to have the most influence. 3) A copy can be put into the employee’s permanent file.
The second lesson for those who want to “extol the virtues” of others is to be specific. Notice in the letter that I included exact dates of when things occurred. Also, I described exactly the behaviors I was talking about—leaving nothing to the imagination of anyone reading the letter.
The third important lesson is to make certain that your comments tie the behavior or actions of the employee to the business or organization he or she represents. That is exactly why I wrote, “Mr. Sprenger, it is precisely this kind of service, kindness, and attention to detail that has caused me to return again, and again, and again to Monica (and, obviously, Key Bank).”
A fourth lesson is to add an evaluation of the employee. Tell exactly how the employee’s behavior made you feel, how it helped you, or what it looks like from a person on the outside. Leave nothing to chance. Once again, I added a final paragraph to the letter: “Monica discharges her duties and then some. She helps bank clients and then some. She assists those who ask for information and then some. And, Mr. Sprenger, I am always impressed with her thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and unrestrained compassion. The friendliness and generosity she has displayed are truly representative of outstanding service, and I feel she is an excellent model of excellence for Key Bank.”
A fifth lesson involves the final portion of your letter: your signature. When you sign your letter, be complete. An anonymous letter, for example, serves little purpose and is unlikely to get much attention. When I signed mine, I not only used my name, but I added my position as president and CEO of And Then Some Publishing, LLC, and I added my address, phone number, and my e-mail mailboxes (URLs). Incidentally, I was notified immediately by Mr. Sprenger that he had received my letter, appreciated my comments and my business, and was sending a copy of the letter to the regional office.
I have to add a footnote to all that took place. I went into Key Bank today (February 16, 2010), and when I saw Monica, I asked her if she had received the plaque she expected. You see, my letter—that letter alone—won her recognition in both the region and district, and in competition with others vying for employee of the month, Monica won the competition. The certificate, “The Great Lakes WOW of the Month” was signed by Chuck Sulerzyski, Regional President, and Jim Hoffman, District President.
When I asked Monica if I could see the certificate, she immediately asked me if I wanted a copy of it. Naturally, I said, “Yes,” and she took it off the wall, proceeded immediately to the copy machine, and I have a copy of her certificate here at my computer as I am writing this essay—just one more example of the “friendliness and generosity she has displayed [that] are truly representative of outstanding service.”
-----
At WriteExoress, even though the goal is to sell software, there are some excellent suggestions for writing letters of appreciation. Along with my suggestions above, their essay, “Appreciation Letters: Write a powerful letter of appreciation that makes the right impression, or makes someone feel special,” offers brief additional ideas.
At wikiHow there are steps, tips, and warnings for writing such letters in the essay, “How to Write a Letter of Appreciation,” originated by Nicole Willson, Ben Rubenstein, and Sondra C. Anonymous. This is a very useful web site.
-----
Copyright June, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
I really didn’t think anything about it when it happened because her action fit into a pleasing matrix of supportive, encouraging, positive behavior; however, it was such a treat that I decided to write a letter describing her actions. This is the letter I wrote:
Mr. Anthony Sprenger, Branch Manager
Key Bank
1088 Louisiana Avenue
Perrysburg, OH 43551
Dear Mr. Sprenger:
This unsolicited letter is designed specifically to extol the virtues of Monica Kernahan — an outstanding Key Bank client-service representative.
We have been associated with Key Bank since it took over State Home Savings Bank in 1984. Previously we had done all our banking with State Home Savings, and when the change occurred, we then did all our banking with Key Bank; thus, our association with Monica goes back as far as 1985 — twenty-four years of wonderful, caring, respectful service.
The most recent example of her adeptness and capability took place within the last fifteen minutes; however, it is a true and representative example of the many associations I have had with her during the near quarter-of-a-century relationship.
On January 9, 2009, I took out a second Key Equity Option with Monica which she promptly deposited into my Key Bank checking account. At the time, this was a second Key Equity Option account. Although we did not discuss it, monthly payments for the first Key Equity Option were automatically deducted from our checking account.
On February 14, 2009, I received the first notification that the “Total Minimum Payment” of was due, and an envelope was enclosed for payment. I called Monica at 12:50 p.m. on February 23rd to make certain that the payment would be made automatically, and she assured me she set up the account in that manner.
Well, to make a long story short, at 11:45 a.m. today (02-27-09), she called me (unsolicited and unexpected) to let me know that as of yesterday, the automatic payment had taken place. It was simply a call to inform me, keep me posted, and let me know that she was on top of things — making certain that my concerns were her concerns and that full closure had taken place on this account.
Mr. Sprenger, it is precisely this kind of service, kindness, and attention to detail that has caused me to return again, and again, and again to Monica (and, obviously, Key Bank).
Monica discharges her duties and then some. She helps bank clients and then some. She assists those who ask for information and then some. And, Mr. Sprenger, I am always impressed with her thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and unrestrained compassion. The friendliness and generosity she has displayed are truly representative of outstanding service, and I feel she is an excellent model of excellence for Key Bank.
There are several lessons here for those who want to “extol the virtues” of others who have touched their lives in direct and positive ways. The first key is to find out exactly who should be contacted. It is not just the immediate supervisor for he or she may not carry the weight necessary to present your comments to others. You need to find out who is the person who can make a difference, get the correct spelling of that person’s name, and get the exact address (or phone number) to which to send your letter.
A phone call alone may not have the impact you desire, does not provide a permanent record, and may not be passed along. What I have found is that a letter serves these purposes best for several reasons: 1) It can be copied, and a copy can be given to the person about whom you are writing. 2) A copy can be sent to those in superior positions, or to whose likely to have the most influence. 3) A copy can be put into the employee’s permanent file.
The second lesson for those who want to “extol the virtues” of others is to be specific. Notice in the letter that I included exact dates of when things occurred. Also, I described exactly the behaviors I was talking about—leaving nothing to the imagination of anyone reading the letter.
The third important lesson is to make certain that your comments tie the behavior or actions of the employee to the business or organization he or she represents. That is exactly why I wrote, “Mr. Sprenger, it is precisely this kind of service, kindness, and attention to detail that has caused me to return again, and again, and again to Monica (and, obviously, Key Bank).”
A fourth lesson is to add an evaluation of the employee. Tell exactly how the employee’s behavior made you feel, how it helped you, or what it looks like from a person on the outside. Leave nothing to chance. Once again, I added a final paragraph to the letter: “Monica discharges her duties and then some. She helps bank clients and then some. She assists those who ask for information and then some. And, Mr. Sprenger, I am always impressed with her thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and unrestrained compassion. The friendliness and generosity she has displayed are truly representative of outstanding service, and I feel she is an excellent model of excellence for Key Bank.”
A fifth lesson involves the final portion of your letter: your signature. When you sign your letter, be complete. An anonymous letter, for example, serves little purpose and is unlikely to get much attention. When I signed mine, I not only used my name, but I added my position as president and CEO of And Then Some Publishing, LLC, and I added my address, phone number, and my e-mail mailboxes (URLs). Incidentally, I was notified immediately by Mr. Sprenger that he had received my letter, appreciated my comments and my business, and was sending a copy of the letter to the regional office.
I have to add a footnote to all that took place. I went into Key Bank today (February 16, 2010), and when I saw Monica, I asked her if she had received the plaque she expected. You see, my letter—that letter alone—won her recognition in both the region and district, and in competition with others vying for employee of the month, Monica won the competition. The certificate, “The Great Lakes WOW of the Month” was signed by Chuck Sulerzyski, Regional President, and Jim Hoffman, District President.
When I asked Monica if I could see the certificate, she immediately asked me if I wanted a copy of it. Naturally, I said, “Yes,” and she took it off the wall, proceeded immediately to the copy machine, and I have a copy of her certificate here at my computer as I am writing this essay—just one more example of the “friendliness and generosity she has displayed [that] are truly representative of outstanding service.”
-----
At WriteExoress, even though the goal is to sell software, there are some excellent suggestions for writing letters of appreciation. Along with my suggestions above, their essay, “Appreciation Letters: Write a powerful letter of appreciation that makes the right impression, or makes someone feel special,” offers brief additional ideas.
At wikiHow there are steps, tips, and warnings for writing such letters in the essay, “How to Write a Letter of Appreciation,” originated by Nicole Willson, Ben Rubenstein, and Sondra C. Anonymous. This is a very useful web site.
-----
Copyright June, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
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