Life is unfair

by Richard L. Weaver II

Life is unfair — deal with it! This was an assumption I had throughout my life; I never thought otherwise. And, I determined to level the playing field (get my share) by doing my best. I always thought that if I did my best and succeeded (that is, did well), I would get exactly what I deserved. The problem, I discovered, was that people did not always perceive (or fully realize) another person’s preparation or qualifications; thus, they felt they were not being treated fairly (equally) because they thought they were equal, but if one dug just a little distance below the surface they would discover grave differences, not just minor ones. The problem boiled down to what they “thought” and not what were the facts.

It wasn’t until we had children that “life is unfair” became a fairly commonly used phrase.

We had two boys and two girls, and our job as parents was to continually justify the different treatment each of our children received. It was never the same; not even close. We know of someone else with two girls who were three years apart, and almost since the younger girl was born, the husband felt the girls should be treated equally. What is good for the older child is good for the younger one as well — no matter what it is. This occurred — and became a major bone of contention between the parents — throughout the girls’ childhoods (until the older girl turned twelve). This, of course, is total nonsense, and the father should have been jailed for child abuse. Okay, if not abuse then mistreatment and misconduct at the least.

At the John Tesh Blog, on the topic, “Life is unfair, better get used to it,” Tesh discusses the coddling kids get as they mature: “...we cannot hurt anybody's feelings. So we try to make everyone feel like a winner and we protect kids from anything that may be stressful. No bumps, no bruises, no disappointments, but also none of the challenges of real life.”

It is just this kind of coddling that distorts reality. Children should not be protected from unfairness. Think about it. At “Life is unfair," the writer offers a brief list of issues people consider unfair. Using their list, the most obvious inequities occur when you consider a person’s race, nationality, parental heritage, physical traits, mental capacity, social status, economic status, experiences of life, birth order, age, and religious heritage. Often, there is nothing that can be done about these issues; life is unfair, and children must not be protected from it.

At personal-development.com, in an article, “Life is unfair,” Chuck Gallozzi begins his essay with these sentences: “Yes, there are injustices. Guiltless people are sent to prison. Terrorists make plans to strike at innocent citizens. Facts regarding the poisons in our food are hidden from us. Olympic medals and Academy Awards are presented for political reasons instead of merit.” Certainly you can think of many other injustices that provoke, annoy, and perhaps enrage you; they are not difficult to locate.

Now, it should be clearly noted that because of the coddling many children receive during their upbringing, their only, and I might add, natural, response to unfairness could be described in much the same manner as Gallozzi describes: “All too often those bemoaning the unfairness of the world are just whining that they’re not getting their way. They haven’t grown up yet. Their sense of unfairness is irrational because it is based on childish demands and unrealistic expectations. They want to return to the time that they were infants. For then all they had to do was cry (complain) and someone would come and attend to their needs.”

What I said at the outset of this essay remains true. If each of us — despite all odds and obstacles — worked our hardesst, applied ourselves consistently, and did the best work of which we are capable at all times, the “life is unfair” phrase would likely have little application to our life. These, to me, are winning ways.

But, such a stance doesn’t really address the issue of this essay: life is unfair. That is, how can we best deal with unfairnesses besides working at our peak level? There are several suggestions.

The first, and most important is to take responsibility for your life. If you don’t like your situation, do something about it. There is no need to place blame on yourself or others, but what you need to do is change your attitude. Instead of a victim, become an architect (of your life). Determine what it is you want, figure out what you need to do to become qualified to get (earn?) what you want, make a plan to achieve your goal, and take action.

The second suggestion is to become a team player. As you cooperate with others, you will develop important connections. With the team as your support group, you will contribute to promoting their best interests, just as they will be promoting yours. When others recognize your genuine interest in them, they will cooperate and contribute positively to your best interests, as well.

The third suggestion is to begin to operate based on your thinking and not on your feelings. The problem in believing that life is unfair is that it creates worry and anxiety, and because they require energy, you drain important energy from sound, sensible, reasoned decision making and problem solving.

The fourth suggestion goes back to the results of coddling. Those who are coddled often remain immature and go through life demanding that the world cater to their every wish. In this way, they set themselves up for disappointment, frustration, and resentment. Parents must let children know that things will not always go as they like and that the world is full of unrealized hopes and dreams, but that is not the end of the world. They must learn to not just face disappointments but to cope with them as well. Life is full of both ups and downs; they are unavoidable. What children must be taught is to accept the hurdles life throws at them, and like countless others before them, learn to overcome them and grow stronger because of them. Life is unfair, but the way we deal with it is what counts.
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At Oprah.com , in an essay entitled, “What to do when life seems unfair,” there are three suggestions for dealing with unfairness: 1) Get to the heart of the problem, 2) Don’t be a victim, and 3) Shift the way you see the world.

At ProgressiveU.com, there is an essay entitled, “When You Say ‘Life is Unfair’ I say ‘No Duh’,” by Bridge, that makes one of the same points made in the essay above: “We already know that life is unfair, so why bother wasting time to say it? Let’s embrace those challenges that better us in ways we could never fully understand at the time.”
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Copyright September, 2010 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.