Hong Kong: City of Pollution

by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.    

It is 4:10 p.m., and our ship will be leaving soon for Taiwan.  We are anchored just beyond the entrance to Victoria Harbour away from the sea lane, and if I were to write about Hong Kong based on what I can see around the ship from here, this essay would consist of nothing — nothing but a gray mist.  We are completely shrouded in pollution.  No day (we’ve had two) has been clear, and those visiting Victoria Peak (about 1,817.6 feet above sea level and the highest point within Hong Kong) — one of the most popular tourist attractions in Hong Kong — said they were disappointed because little could be seen except buildings in the immediate vicinity.
    
The BBC reported on March 22, 2010, the day after we were there: “Air pollution levels in Hong Kong have reached a record high, prompting government warnings to people to avoid going out.”  Hong Kong blamed it on pollution coming south from China.
    
Hong Kong is a big city with a population of 7 million people, and a land area of 428 square miles.  The pollution was the worst we’ve experienced in any city we have yet visited; however, it will be discussed again in the essay on Beijing.
    
Many people love Hong Kong for the shopping alone.  It is a shopper’s paradise.  We hate shopping; thus, if we could not find other redeeming qualities, we would, very likely, hate (barely tolerate) Hong Kong.  Fortunately, we found redeeming qualities on our second day.
    
We made the choice to “do Hong Kong on our own” before we left home.  First, we read the excursion choices and found none interesting.  Second, we looked at how far things were from where the ship would be docked and realized we could conveniently reach destinations of interest.  Third, and from both docking positions (Hong Kong and Kowloon), Princess offered free shuttles (a tender and a bus) into the places where we wanted to go.  The solution appeared simple: do it on our own.
    
On the first day, the shuttle bus dropped us off at a high-end mall, and we walked as quickly as possible from there to the Star Ferry where we traveled for free (a senior-citizen perk) to Hong Kong island.  We sought information and walked a long, beautiful, covered walkway to the Exchange Center bus terminal where we first discovered we needed change, not bills, and we ran upstairs and got some.  The cost was 4.70 HKD per person — about 75-cents each to travel to Aberdeen.
    
We found a place at the very front of the 2nd deck of the bus, and thus had both an exiting and full view of everything on this half-hour trip.  We knew we were in Aberdeen only because the driver turned off the engine, and everyone got off the bus.  That’s a serious hint!  We walked from there to the nearest boulevard overpass (a bridge for walkers) where we could get to the water.
    
As we got close to the water, ladies who motored san pans on the water, begged for our attention and a ride to the floating restaurants and places where people live on their boats.  As we walked, a couple of these little san pans would follow us.  We chose not to take a ride, but walked farther along the river on a nicely manicured sidewalk.
    
We followed our route in return, stopped at a clean public toilet, received more change from one of the friendly store owners along the way, then took Bus #70 back to the Exchange Center sitting atop the bus once again.  It took less than half hour.
    
Once back to the dock area, we walked around.  Our street of demarcation (to help us remember where we were) was Pettinger Street — nearby there were a couple of alleyway markets we wanted to walk.  Every time we were there the area was full of pedestrians.  On the second day in the area, I bought my Hong Kong tee-shirt for 50 HKD (about $3.50 U.S.).
    
It was, indeed, our second day in Hong Kong that made our stay outstanding.  After an evening of moving the ship from a Kowloon dock to a spot outside Victoria Harbour, the trip from the ship back to the dock now necessitated a 40-minute tender ride.  Once again, we walked from the pier into central Hong Kong.  It is an easily navigated area, and we were able to follow both roadside and elevated sidewalks to where the Victoria Peak tram begins.  Just to the left of the tram station is the entrance to Hong Kong Park and Aviary — a serene oasis spectacularly surrounded by towering skyscrapers. (The Aviary was opened in 1992.)
    
Upon entering the park, there is a white staircase where water is flowing down into a pond near where we were standing.  You can walk up into the park next to the flowing water, and when you reach the top of the staircase, there are two nicely manicured small lakes filled with turtles and fish and surrounded by lush greenery and walking paths.
    
We were in Hong Kong Park on Sunday so families and romantic partners wandered the pathways.  Hong Kong Park is a totally manufactured area — nothing is natural or was preserved in the creation of this area carved into the contours of the hillside.
    
Just beyond the pond on the right are two picturesque waterfalls that you can walk behind as you follow the path to the head (top) of the falls.
    
Upon reaching one high point we encountered the Tai Chi Garden.  Entering the garden through the attractive gate, we discovered a tranquil, peaceful, quiet garden where one woman was practicing Tai Chi.  In the garden there is a hallway marked by tall white columns, a waste-high pool of water that is perfectly still but flows over the sides of marble walls, and a tall cylindrical tower with a winding staircase to the top.  
    
On one wall of this Tai Chi Court is a plaque dedicated to the memory of all those who assisted (putting their own lives at risk) in fighting the SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) epidemic in March, 2003.
    
Close to the Tai Chi Court is the Aviary where there are over 600 different kinds of birds.  The walkway is long and winds midway between the ground and enclosed fencing above, and overlooks a flowing stream, waterfall, a small lake, and lush tropical foliage broken by the constant movement of birds with brilliant plumage.  Feeders suspended near the walkway bring the birds to eye level.
    
With the park experience, Hong Kong suddenly and dramatically became interesting and unique.  The omnipresent pollution, normally worn like a tight body shroud, seemed to lift momentarily within the park; unfortunately, it returned as we left the park and headed back to our ship.
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At BBC News the essay, “Regions and Territories: Hong Kong,” gives a great deal of essential facts, information, and links where a fairly complete picture of the area can be obtained.  The website begins with this paragraph: “Once home to fishermen and farmers, modern Hong Kong is a teeming, commercially-vibrant metropolis where Chinese and Western influences fuse.”

At Kwintissential the essay, “Hong Kong - Language, Culture, Customs and Etiquette,” covers facts and statistics, language, society and culture, as well as etiquette and customs.  This latter section includes meetings and greetings, gift giving, and dining and business etiquette.  Just look at some of the information you get at this website: “.The handshake is commonly used when greeting westerners.
          -The Hong Kong Chinese handshake is rather light.  
          -During the greeting, many Hong Kong Chinese lower their eyes as a sign of respect.
          -There is no need for you to emulate this gesture, although prolonged eye contact should be avoided during the greeting.
          -If you are at a large function, you may introduce yourself to other guests.
          -At smaller functions, it is polite to wait for your host or hostess to introduce you. ”
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Copyright April, 2011, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Learning how to fly

When I was nineteen and living in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) with my parents, I worked at the United States Information Service (U.S.I.S.) making an enormous amount of money and having no way of spending it all.  The choice to take flying lessons occurred because I had the money, time, and interest.  The plane was a single engine, dual-open-cockpit, bi-wing, Tiger Moth—the same kind flown by Snoopy — and lessons took place weekly on a remote, unused concrete airstrip outside of Dacca, the capitol city.  It was, by far, one of the most exciting, risky, and adventurous events in my life. 

Why would my lessons in learning how to fly merit an essay?  Because, I feel, the requirements that go into learning how to fly are similar to those that signal when a little bird is ready to leave its nest — or, when a child is ready to leave home.  Not to fill the basic prerequisites is likely to create major problems if not disaster. 

What I was told as I began my lessons was, first, to take a trial flight just to see what it would be like.  It is similar to sticking your big toe into the bathtub to make sure the water isn’t too hot before getting in.  That trial flight whet my appetite like nothing else could.  The wind, noise, and speed charged-up my engines like only adrenaline could, and it took just one circle around and above the runway to know that I was ready to begin. 

Having a skilled (English-speaking) and knowledgeable instructor was important, and after that trial flight we were not back in the air for another week while I read about the instruments, learned the rules, regulations, and laws, and took a very basic medical examination.  Admittedly, the instrumentation in the old Tiger Moth airplanes was simple compared with airplanes today, and the rules, regulations, and laws governing our flights (and any future flying I was to do in East Pakistan) was uncomplicated.  My physical health turned out to be excellent, and not being prone to heart attacks, effects of heights, or weaknesses in either sight or hearing, my clear bill-of-health allowed lessons to begin at once.  My teacher was both patient and understanding, and he relished the opportunity of teaching an American.  I was an eager and willing student. 

Every lesson I took began with a briefing, and the first one was no exception.  The first one included what to do in emergency situations like engine failure or rapidly deteriorating weather, and the first instruction was simulated only.  In other briefings, my instructor explained in detail principles behind the forthcoming flight and what I could expect to make sure that I understood what I was about to learn.  In every case, too, he gave me plenty of time to ask questions.  He knew I couldn’t remember everything, and that much of what he covered would become clear once in the air.  The briefings were simply overviews. 

My instructor obviously had confidence in me for he let me take control of the instruments the first time we were in the air, and after a number of air maneuvers that helped me understand how the plane moved in response to what I would do in the cockpit, we began to do take-offs and landings, which are—by far—the most difficult part of flying.  I found take-offs and landings to be the best part of flying because there were so many variables involved in trying to get them perfect, and, yet, there was such a tremendous sense of satisfaction when everything came together to yield a perfect take-off or landing. 

Usually your first solo comes between 10 and 20 hours of time in the air.  My first one came between 5 and 10 hours because my instructor felt I was ready.  He wanted to know if I thought I was ready, and my reply, as a cocky, confident, and self-assured teenager was, “Definitely.”  It was, to be sure, one of the most exciting moments of my life.  I’m not certain I would have been ready to handle an emergency situation at that early stage in my training; however, the goal of my instructor — on that very calm (no wind at all) and beautiful day — was to instill greater confidence and certainty in my skills and abilities.   

Given the same situation, if I had been the instructor, I don’t think I would have been as willing to turn that Tiger Moth — one of the sources of my income as the instructor — over to a brash and arrogant American 19-year-old! 

I remember it well.  The take-off went smoothly, and there was a wonderful sense of command and control knowing that I was in charge of this airplane.  I rose from the end of the runway out over the lush, uninhabited, green of the forests below, and once I leveled-off at about 500 feet off the ground, I banked into a comfortable left turn, and I could look down on the runway not far below.  I could even see my instructor standing and watching me.  I made a big arc, and I gave myself plenty of room as I made the final left bank to line myself up with the runway out ahead of me.  There was no center line because this was a very old, unused airstrip, so I just centered my plane as best I could and slowly began to push the yoke (or stick) away from me to lose altitude.   Fortunately, I was right on target gauging from the number of practice runs I had taken with the instructor, and as I came closer to the runway, I adjusted my flight altitude by pulling the yoke toward me to bring the nose up, up, and further up until I felt the wheels hit the runway.  It was a perfect landing, and I simply used the rudder to control my path down the runway, ever so slowly beginning to brake my speed until I came to a complete stop.  What a thrill that was. 

There was no computer screen, no auto-pilot, and no bells and whistles.  There was a great deal of control over everything that happened, and my confidence was rewarded. 

There really isn’t a great deal of risk in learning to fly.  It is, instead, depending on what you have learned, practicing the fundamentals, and relying on yourself — your knowledge, your experience, and your skills and abilities.  If you do what you know you will be successful. 

Learning how to fly — becoming independent — is much the same as learning how to fly.  Learn the fundamentals, gain as much experience as possible, then rely on yourself.  Many people say it requires a willingness to let go; however, I would contend that it requires use of all your resources.  Your instructor — just like your knowledge and experience — stay with you and, mentally, continue to provide suggestions and guidance.  You never “let go.”   If you have the commitment and the patience, you, too, can learn to fly. 

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At the Silver Express website, in an essay from the 1996 Flight Training magazine, “Twenty life lessons I learned from becoming a pilot,” Susan E. Paul said she learned patience, the need to keep a step ahead, how to communicate effective, clearly, and concisely, conserve and control your energy, be thorough and precise, relax, face your fears, take care of yourself physically and mentally, use all of your senses, know yourself, focus, practice and be proficient at the basics, be light at the controls, accept responsibility, know your priorities, follow through to the end, be courteous, persistent, flexible, and to keep it simple.  In the essay Paul discusses each of these elements.   

At the Lessons From the Cockpit website, Christopher Laney writes an essay, “White-Knuckle Living: How to Succeed by Letting Go,” (really just a post on his blog), where he talks about the lessons he learned from learning how to fly: 1) give yourself permission to make mistakes, 2) recognize that you know more than you think you know, and 3) let go (which is the best entry and includes five separate items that tend to hold people back).  Also, Laney has included 22 reader comments to his post. 

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Copyright September, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Get Organized

 I’ve never been convinced that “organization skills” can be taught; those who are organized can become better organized, and for those whose natural inclination is chaos — disorganization — you can offer guidelines, suggestions, and recommendations and, if you’re lucky, some may penetrate and get used, but in the end, I think, disorganization tends to win out because of the habitual penchant toward disarray.  I have no evidence of this, just an observation based on teaching organization skills for 30 years.

I wonder whether those whose lives — at least behind the scenes — tend to be messy and haphazard might be encouraged to make changes if they knew the benefits of getting organized.  The key to remember is, “Organized minds make successful people.”  At Life Organizers.com, Maria Gracia, in an essay entitled, “10 Little-Known Benefits of Getting Organized,” lists ones that I have discovered in my life as well.  The first one is that becoming organized will give you more time to relax.  When things are in their proper places, you can find them quickly, but you must remember to put them back for the next time.  Remembering to put them back is difficult, especially for procrastinators who will always claim, “I’ll do that later.”  Just that little act — remembering to put them back — is likely to be a key to lowering blood pressure and stress. 

Another benefit is that getting organized will give you more time to do other things.  I am often asked, “How do you get so much accomplished?”  The simple answer is organization.  I always wish I could be more organized, but if you are a workaholic, the pay off is clearly in the bottom line — quantity.  Quality occurs in how you go about getting the results.  More time to do other things includes more time for yourself, loved ones, family, and friends. 

For me, Gracia’s fourth benefit is especially important: feeling good about your environment.  Often, just before beginning a new writing project, I will clean up my entire study and try to get rid of all the excessive and unnecessary pages or manuscripts.  My problem is clutter, it is true, but what is most important is that I know where things are when I need them. 

Professional improvement and being a role model do not concern me as much as Gracia’s final, tenth, benefit: “You'll achieve more. When you're disorganized, there are always barriers that keep you from reaching your goals.  But organized people find ways to eliminate tasks that aren't necessary and to streamline those that are taking too much time. This leaves plenty of time to work on achieving all of those goals on your list.” 

It may be that none of these are sufficiently enticing, or it may be that even though they are, you may still wonder how you — personally — can get organized.   My suggestions are incredibly easy and, for me, successful.  Often, the primary problem boils down to one thing: you!  You are likely to be your own worst enemy.  There are four overall characteristics that will guide you in following each of the suggestions: 1) commitment, 2) self-discipline, 3) eliminate procrastination, and 4) ignore distractions.  If just a little push is necessary to start the process, then here is that push. 

My first suggestion is to begin using a planner.  This is more important for those who have a lot of appointments or for those whose days are so varied that it is difficult to keep track of the schedule.  You can do this the old-fashioned way with a pocket-sized notepad, or use a PDA, Blackberry or palm Pilot.  With a PDA, if you back it up at least once a week, and back up your computer at least once a month, you will always have a copy of your address book, calendar, and task list. 

Closely related to using a planner is the “to-do-list.”  I like daily lists, then those items not completed are simply carried over to the next list.  When very busy, it helps to free your mind so you can concentrate on what you’re doing right now: you just don’t have to think or worry that you might forget to do something.  PDAs hold lists, prioritize items, and assign each a due date. 

Making a “to-do-list” is also useful for combining similar activities.  For example, I have a list for everything I want to do when I get in the car to run errands.  Order on this list is important for saving time.  Completeness is important for finishing everything in a single trip.  You can get organized in much the same way by doing things at the same time: making your phone calls, paying your bills, and getting your e-mails answered. 

Another simple suggestion is to organize your work space.  The space I work in is extremely important.  Give everything you use and need a separate, convenient, and clearly designated space.  Everything I need is at my fingertips — paper, dictionary, thesaurus, pens, pencils, markers, scissors, rulers, tape, stapler, a clock, telephone, and supporting books and documents.  What is unnecessary is thrown out.  Examine how you use your space and design it to be efficient and convenient. 

Related to space concerns is the aphorism, “A place for everything and everything in its place” to which I just referred.  Find a specific place for your keys, cell phone and charging station, checks (if you use them) and bills.  I also have a place for my wallet, daily journal, dark glasses, pen, single blade knife, lip balm, and change.  When leaving the house no time is spent looking for essentials. 

Another simple suggestion for getting organized is multi-tasking.   Technology has assisted.  Organize your study, a drawer or cabinet, or do dishes while talking on the phone.  Fold clothes or towels while watching television.  Listen to books-on-tape while driving

Realize that making these changes overnight — as small as some of them are —  is almost impossible.  Change cannot take place that quickly.  Disorganization is as much a habit as getting organized, once it is accomplished.  Make little changes, starting for example, with one small area of your life or living area — papers, computer files, clothes, linen closet, kitchen, mail, children’s room.  When successful there, move on to another area.  Now, reward yourself for the completion of each goal you set — a night at a favorite restaurant, a movie, or a relaxing walk in the park.  Getting organized may be tough, but the rewards make it worthwhile; it is an important area for self-improvement. 

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At WebMD, there are at least 16 tips on how to get organized in the essay there, “How to get organized—Finally!”—an essay by Hara Estroff Marano reprinted from Psychology Today.  Just enter “Get organized” into the Google search window, and you will get nearly 20 million hits. 

At WikiHow, there is so much information in the essay, “How to be organized,” that just reading it or clicking on the additional resources icons will keep you busy for a day or two.  This is an excellent website. 

There are 13 suggestions in the essay, “How to get organized,” at the eHow.com website.  I have discovered—as I’m sure you know already—that organizing skills at home or at work, carry over nicely into all other areas of your life; thus, putting these ideas into practice will assist you in a wide variety of areas. 

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Copyright August, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Assholes at work

I’ve always assumed the best when encountering other people, and it takes me a long time to form an opinion so severe and critical that I could actually label someone “asshole.”  Although I’ll admit the word is in my vocabulary, there are few instances when I use it, nor would want to use it.  More often than not, my use of the word is in retrospect, a little like Monday-morning quarterbacking, when you look back on a situation, analyze it, and then realize that the negative consequences occurred simply because someone was acting like a total jerk. 

I had a brother-in-law like that who always seemed to take a contrary position in discussions just to antagonize and provoke.  He loved the verbal battle.  I had a colleague like that as well who all faculty members tried to avoid.  It seemed the faculty members of our small department would almost always see eye-to-eye, even agree to disagree at times, but got along with each other famously except when this one person would become involved.  It was as if a discordant ingredient was put into a recipe that seemed to spoil the overall flavor, texture, or appearance.  Without it, no problem; with it, yuck! 

It seems as if this world is more full of assholes today than in the past.  I’m talking here about people who quickly, and often thoughtlessly, throw out personal insults, invade our personal space, make uninvited physical contact, use verbal and nonverbal means to threaten and intimidate, use unwanted sarcastic jokes, offer-up withering e-mail flames, inject rude interruptions into conversations, appear two-faced—one face cordial and accommodating, the other face condemning, vilifying, and attacking—ready to give dirty looks (in Hawaii they call it “stink-eye”) at a moment’s displeasure, and treating others as if they are invisible. 

For this list, and for stimulating this essay, I am indebted to Robert I. Sutton and his book, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t (Warner Business Books, 2007).  My list of characteristics, above, comes from his list of “Common Everyday Actions That Assholes Use” (p. 10).  I have avoided using quotation marks throughout most of this essay for ease of reading, but I acknowledge my dependence on this terrific book that is well worth reading. 

The best way I have found to successfully deal with assholes is to avoid them, or, in a business, get rid of them.  Sometimes it is a matter of proceeding with the first approach— avoidance—until the second takes place—departure.  Looking back, in all cases that I can recall, this was exactly the procedure that took place. 

In talking with my father-in-law, a former department chairperson, one faculty member was not only an asshole, continued to provoke and display his negative personality on a daily basis, affected everyone’s demeanor and morale, became known throughout the profession and university for just what he was, and — to everyone’s delight and amusement — ended up taking a faculty position at a university in Australia.  Out of sight, out of mind!  (The trail of negative memories and stories, however, paved a muddy and treacherous course of recollections well beyond his presence in this country.) 

My problem with Sutton’s top ten steps, “Enforcing the No Asshole Rule,” is simple.  It is difficult to detect assholes, because they are so good at disguising themselves before people who do not know them.  So often, when you meet for the first time a person who has been labeled an asshole, recognized as an asshole, and roundly supported as an asshole by people you respect and admire, you are astounded at what you discover.  Here, you think, is one of the most cordial, friendly, warm, genial, affable, amiable, pleasant, polite, warmhearted, and good-natured people on the face of the earth!  The critics must be wrong! 

The key, I’m afraid, is to base your judgment on that of those who are credible and whom you trust and respect.  What other recourse do you have?  In an organization, Sutton claims, assholes hire other assholes, so get rid of them fast.  Treat them as incompetent employees.  Remember power breeds nastiness.  “Beware that giving people — even seemingly nice and sensitive people — even a little power can turn them into big jerks” (p. 90), says Sutton.  In dealing with them, you must develop a culture in which people know how to argue and when to stop fighting.  Often, it means gathering more evidence, listening to other people, and implementing decisions even when the asshole disagrees with them. 

Although it is important to emphasize — in business, education, or even in small meetings — that treating people with respect rather than contempt makes good sense, it doesn’t always register with those for whom the words should resonate the loudest.  The resonation falls on deaf ears — or rebounds with no purpose or direction within an empty head, if it makes it that far — especially when things are going badly! 

When you have to hunker down and take it, here are some of the suggestions Sutton makes for surviving nasty people.  First, reframe the situation to escape the source of stress and reduce the damage being done to you.  Above all, avoid self-blame, hope for the best while expecting the worst, and develop indifference and emotional detachment.  Second, look for and celebrate small wins.  “The advantage of taking small actions is that they bring about noticeable and typically successful changes” (p. 140), says Sutton.  “Using a small-wins strategy can enhance your feelings of control, make things around you a little better, and maybe — just maybe — chip away at the vile and vicious culture in which you are trapped and start making it a bit better” (p. 147).  Third, limit your exposure to dampen the damage that assholes do.  Fourth, build pockets of safety, support, and sanity.  When you can hide, hangout with decent people, or engage supportive family and friends in constructive, positive, and helpful conversations, often these social networks can buffer you against the stress of working with an asshole. 

One problem with assholes is the residual effect they can have on your mind, mentality, and memory.  Just writing this essay, for example, brings back memories I would rather not entertain.  Forgiving and forgetting is a great thought, but sometimes doesn’t serve to purge such experiences.  Although Sutton discusses both revenge and calling their bluff, I have seldom seen these tactics work well.  There are some tactics that work and that are discussed above, and they may be all you have.  Fortunately, assholes make up a small percentage of the population!  

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At the HuffingtonPost.com, Robert Sutton writes, “The No Asshole Rule: Part 1,” where, in his own words, “I thought it would be fun to introduce the book to Huffington Post readers by sharing 13 of the most fascinating and funny things that have happened so far [since his book was published]. The first six are in this post the other seven in my next post.” 

At Bob Sutton’s own website, he offers an essay, “Updated Tips for Victims of Workplace Assholes,” which he introduces with the paragraph, “I’ve talked a lot here about methods for enduring abusive bosses and co-workers.  Some of these tips come from your comments and e-mails, some from the No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I thought it would be useful to list some of the most effective methods in one place. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!”  He gives six or seven tips then includes numerous comments from messages he receives at the website. 

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Copyright July, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.
    
    
   

It is our sanctuary, our special place, an area of safety, solitude, and serenity

When a friend of one of our children, led by our older son, followed the sidewalk from the front of our house around and through the gate into our backyard, his first reaction coming upon our pond, gazebo, and round brick patio in front of both was to exclaim, “Wow, this is a real sanctuary!”  It was clear to him—having seen our backyard for the first time—that this was, indeed, a special place. 

We have lived in our house for over thirty years, and for every one of those years, we have done something—mostly add plants, bushes, or trees—to our yard. 

Our three-fourths of an acre was but a field when we moved in, and we were the second or third house constructed when the rear plat to our subdivision was built.  Because we were among the first, we selected the largest piece of property on a cull-de-sac so that our children would have a large, safe area in which to play.  Being on a cull-de-sac, the front of our property is only about 50-feet wide, but the rear lot line covers a full two properties plus it touches a drainage ditch in one far corner—a lot line somewhere between 250 and 300 feet in length. 

There were no trees, so our first goal was to plant them.  Our intention was to frame our property in trees rather than use fences, and in the beginning that worked well.  A couple of problems, however, developed.  First, the right of way behind our house which contained all the electric, telephone, and cables for television was a drainage area for all the houses built behind us and at least a half dozen others.  The excess rain from all of those properties came through our right of way—part of our property—to reach that drainage ditch.  When it rains, it fills. 

That has never been a major problem, however, when we tried growing blue spruce trees on the inside of the right-of-way, they were dying quickly from too much water, and we immediately moved them to both of the edges of our yard that lead to the right-of-way.  Then we tried lilacs, and the same thing happened, and we had to move them to another portion of the side of the yard leading to the ditch.  When we tried forsythia, the same thing happened a third time, and we had to pull them all out before they died.  Our final effort was to put in 50 or 60 Russian Olive saplings, and that worked.  The saplings have grown into large trees along the inside of the right-of-way, and nearly every year of the 30 here, we have had to trim or remove them.  

All of our early efforts were designed to provide shade as well as some privacy from the four homes that border ours.  In the back, our property is now enclosed by blue spruce, 20-foot high lilac bushes, and Russian olives.  Inside the Russian olives we have planted arbor vitae to add to the privacy along the back right-of-way. 

In addition to the quest for privacy, we have always had a large garden.  The garden was enclosed by landscaping ties, and we used chicken wire to keep out the rabbits and woodchucks.  

We have always used annuals to add color and variety to our other plantings.  What has happened—and it is particularly evident this year—is that because of our early interest in shade trees, we now have an enormous amount of shade provided by oak, maple, and pine trees as well as an enormous bradford pear tree. 

For many years, my goal has always been to reduce the amount of grass I have had to mow.  So, using cypress mulch, I have continued to mulch in areas and build hosta gardens or areas for our birdbaths or other bushes and plants.  Along the back right-of-way, I used mulch around all the Russian olives and arbor vitae so I would never have to weed-whack.  Then we added lamb’s ear as well as Japanese spurge (pachysandra) as ground cover.  

All of the people occupying the homes surrounding our property have added fences around their yards.  To fence in our yard  meant that we would simply have to add to their fences, include a small one along the rear ditch, and then, from their fences we could add one that came up to the sides of our house.  We made the final one a white picket fence, and I added a small cover over the gate, so that when you enter our yard on either side, you have to come under this small portico.  Thus, our backyard is now fully enclosed by fences with gates on either side. 

Because of the shade from the trees we planted early on, it has been difficult to keep grass growing in many areas.  On one side, under a silver maple tree, we made a large hosta garden with over 30 different kinds of hosta as well as ferns and other ground covers. 

One of our sons found a brick pile, and we brought home two large loads of bricks in our truck.  From those, we fashioned brick walkways from the front of our house to the backyard (under the porticos), and around the two front blue spruce trees (one on each side of our lot), we built a small brick wall to enclose circular hosta gardens around those spruce trees. 

We have added a rear barn that measures 10' w x 20' l  x 14' h, and we bought an 8-foot in diameter gazebo from the Amish who came in and installed it. 

When I put in the patio in front of our pond, which my son and I built and which includes three small waterfalls, I buried the dirt from the patio foundation in the garden, so I changed the landscaping ties to 6" x 6" treated timbers to box in our two 10' x 15' plots.  Then around the patio, I used our annual accumulation of leaf mulch to landscape the area and added hydranga, sweet William, and viburnum to fill out those areas. 

This year (it was yesterday as I am writing this), the friend of one of our family members who called our backyard a sanctuary, gave us four flats of Impatiens and begonias in reds, oranges, and pinks.  Today, I planted all of those plants which has added a great deal of additional color to our yard.  We had three double hanging metal plant holders that already had full baskets of pink Impatiens plants, and then with the other blooming plants—yellow snap dragons, white hydrangas, and pink blossoms on several other bushes—our place has truly taken on the feel of a sanctuary. 

Our yard is and always has been a “work-in-progress.”  It was never planned; we are never finished with it; and we never stop purchasing more plants—some that we have no place for—every year.  But when you enter the backyard now, with the songs of the many birds, the sounds of the water from our pond, and the incredible smell of fresh air, it is truly a joy to behold.  It is our sanctuary, our special place, an area of safety, solitude, and serenity. 

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At LearningMeditation, there is a fun, short essay, “Sanctuary-Safe,” on how to build a sanctuary within your home.  It is similar to what we have done in our backyard, however, it is inside.  Just a short, pleasant read. 

At About.com, under the subheading, “Interior Decorating,” there is another brief essay, “Create Your Own Private Retreat in Your Home---Escape to a Comforting Space You Really Love.”  Here, Coral Nafie writes about all the essentials needed to create that special place.  It is a longer essay, but it certainly discusses the importance, the needs, and the requirements for an interior space. 

At @zinearticles.com, the essay is entitled, “Creating a Personal Sanctuary - To Moat, Or NOT to Moat,” in which DeAnna Radaj discusses a number of requirements (and possible elements) for an outside sanctuary.  This is, by far, the best essay I have discovered on creating an outdoor sanctuary. 

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Copyright July, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Self-identity is a base for everything else you do in life

Early in the basic-communication course we used two activities in the small performance sections specifically designed to awaken students to themselves—a confirmation of their life and existence.  The first had them sit in the middle of a circle with the rest of their small group of 15 to 20 students sitting around them.  They were to remain silent as they turned their chair to face each of the surrounding students while each one, separately, “reflected” their impression of the student in the center.  Although occasionally a student would say something that could be interpreted negatively by the student in the center, most comments were not only positive but encouraging even flattering as well.  Student reports of this exercise were always positive, and as a result, use of the activity was continued for more than twenty years. 

The second activity was labeled the “Interview-Introduction-Name Exercise.”  Students were first labeled A or B moving clockwise in a large circle around the room.  To begin the interviews, A’s were to interview B’s who were seated to their left to find out as much information as they could so that they could introduce this student to the class.  Then, all students were to turn fully around in their seats to form new dyads (groups of two).  Now, B’s were to interview a new A with the same goal in mind—so they could introduce A to the class.  In this way, once the process was complete, all students would be able to introduce the student on their left, and we could proceed around the circle learning the names of all students----repeated by everyone as introductions continued.  These interviews gave students an identity, made them stand out as unique, and put some distance between them and the others in the class.  It is an outstanding and effective means for learning the names of all students.  (I had teaching assistants—especially those who taught two or three sections of the course—take notes as the sequence proceeded, so they could review the names before coming to class the next time.) 

Now, you must understand that these two activities occurred within the context of a basic, required, speech-communication course.  I say that because in such circumstances, some students could be inclined not to take the course seriously; thus, whatever activities engaged in might not be perceived as significant, worthwhile, valuable, or relevant.  The overall design and purpose of these two activities—along with what followed in the course---served as a metaphor for life. 

The point of the activities—beyond simply beginning the course with a couple of startling exercises—has to do with identity.  Both exercises are designed to be confirming: offering students proof or verification that they are valuable, appreciated, respected, and important.  Experiencing this confirmation of life—whether in class or other places—is a prelude to everything else they will learn and do.  Once they have found this feeling, they will then not only be ready to discover but express their uniqueness as individuals. 

The comments that follow on identity come from a book called The Identity Code (Random House, 2005).  In that book, Laurence Ackerman explains the various ways in which identity is the foundation of our lives and how, with it as the foundation, it can be a better and more productive world.  The basic purpose of the book is to convince readers they have value in the world simply as a result of being who they are. 

When students have a sense of who they are, they begin to discover why they are here.  It is as if they have found a natural gyroscope that guides them to a place or position from which to take charge of their lives.  It is on the strength of that gyroscope that their decisions will be wise, and the outcomes—no matter what challenges and hardships they face—will be the right ones. 

All the activities that follow from these first two give students real opportunities to make important decisions and derive solutions.  The lectures are designed not just to underscore, reinforce, and buttress what goes on in the performance sections but empower students by revealing their potential,    It is, indeed, these decisions and solutions which provide clear separation between themselves and other students in the class.  Because they can observe the decisions and solutions of other classmates, all students are able to step back and see, really see, themselves in relationship to others.  How are they different?  How are they the same?  It is the answers to these questions that allow them to set the boundaries that mark out turf belonging to them. 

What the basic course is designed to give students—and as a corollary, what they truly need in life—is independence.  Independence is the ability to think and act on their own and in their own best interests, despite what others may expect of them.  By defining themselves as separate from others, they find their own integrity as individuals.  It gives them a place to begin forming ideas, framing beliefs, and discerning attitudes that are uniquely their own.  In moments of great intensity like when they are under the pressure of deadlines, experiencing conflicting demands from various courses, trying to deal with the competing demands of family, friends, relationship partners, and their classes, it allows them to make the necessary decisions based on who they are and who they are not. 

Standing alone strengthens students.  There will always be unfamiliar emotions, misgivings, and resistance, but when students make their decisions and follow through with solutions, there will also be exhilaration and hope.  Facing up to initial discomfort, even aloneness, is a definite and specific sign of progress.  When students stay with it, it is their passage to discovery.  It is part of the development of their powers as individuals in their own right. 

Life offers many opportunities for making decisions and deriving solutions, but it doesn’t often offer the similar opportunities to others of our same age and status.  When we can compare our decisions and solutions with relevant, immediate others and even embrace, adapt, and adopt strategies and use them as our own in a helpful, positive, encouraging, and hopeful environment, the rewards are often instantaneous and valuable. 

There is no easy path when it comes to unleashing the remarkable energy that one’s identity contains.  Finding it, however, is just a start.  As people understand their unique capacities and live according to them, they become happy being who they are.  As Ackerman writes in the final chapter of his book, “A Framework for Living,” “Consider your identity your source of life.  It makes you vibrant, wise, agile, powerful, even playful.  It is the sun within you, whose energy need never die.” 

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Yes, it’s an advertisement for a course.  That said, the essay by Karl Perera, “Personal Identity,” at the website, More-Self-esteem.com is a very good one because he not only outlines the seven components of self-esteem, but he carefully shows “How . . . your personal identity [can] help you improve your self esteem.”  Great specifics here. 

“Self Identity and Memory” is the title of this very long, highly technical, heavily documented, well-written (but academic) paper that explains exactly why self identity is so important.  You can access this paper by John F. Kihlstrom, Jennifer S. Beer of the University of California at Berkeley, and Stanley B. Klein of the University of California at Santa Barbara at their website---accessed by clicking on their names (above).  Their research was supported by a number of research grants, and an edited version of this chapter appeared in M.R. Leary & J. Tangney (Eds.), Handbook of self and identity (pp. 68-90).  New York: Guilford Press, 2002. 

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Copyright June, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.





   

The luxury of travel by car

Luxury is defined as something that is not necessary to my life, health, or subsistence, and something, too, that ministers to my comfort and pleasure, but when it comes to travel, “luxury” for some means traveling by air alone or, if by automobile, staying only at top-of-the-line hotels or motels and eating at the very best restaurants. If either of these travel options are those that satisfy your travel taste buds, then you may find my definition (which follows) totally off the mark. I will define “luxury” through a description of traveling by car.

I realize as I am writing this that the tough economic times we are currently experiencing means that some will consider any travel opportunity a luxury, and I respect that opinion. I am not just fully aware that my chances to travel are fortunate, but I am truly thankful for them as well.

My goal on this trip (March 2009) is Ft. Lauderdale and a cruise of the Southern Caribbean, but the cruise itself is not the subject of this essay, and if a cruise were the subject of interest with respect to defining “luxury,” there would be no discussion. Cruising is luxurious by any definition.

My “luxury” begins with several stipulations. The first is that I want to save money. A second stipulation is that I want to eat “well” — but, obviously, not expensively. And a third stipulation is that I want to travel at my own pace. That is, I take my time (and avoid flying because my wife hates to fly).

“Luxury” begins at home. I make enough coffee to take an additional 18-ounce mug full of coffee in the car; we don’t stop for coffee. I make lunches as well, and I take an electric car refrigerator so I can make lunches in motel rooms for the next day. A cheese sandwich with mayonnaise, mustard, and lettuce on pumpernickel bread and an additional peanut butter and jelly sandwich supplemented by fresh vegetables (carrots), fresh fruit (apples and grapes), and a cookie for dessert, make a nice meal that can be eaten while driving. Also, for dinner I have a quarter of a Tyson (already cooked) chicken, mustard potato salad, baked beans, and a tossed salad — which my wife and I eat at the small table in the motel room.

You begin to see, now, where my “luxury” is going.

The only stops on our days of car travel are for bathrooms and welcome centers. When entering a state where I will spend the night, I stop at the welcome center to pick up travel coupons. By departing in the morning by 8:30, I can stop in the afternoon by 3:30-4 p.m. Seven and one half hours of constant driving is sufficient, and stopping by 4 means I am among the first to stop and, thus, have a choice of rooms.

Stopping by 4:00 p.m. allows plenty of time to relax. If either my wife or I wanted to swim, the pool is always clean and devoid of anyone else. There is often fruit in the motel lobby, and around 5:00 p.m. there are fresh cookies in the lobby as well. This is time to read the newspaper, magazine, or a book that I carry, or to write an essay (as when this one was written).

I travel with a variety of CDs so I always have music in the car. This is a necessity, not a “luxury.” Having just burned more than 50 new CDs from the 500 or more long-playing records I collected 50 years ago, I had music I hadn’t listened to for a long time. With a six-disc CD player, each CD carrying close to 80 minutes of music, I could load the player in the morning and have enough uninterrupted music for a full day of driving.

Other “luxuries” included having my own pillow from home, carrying my own snacks (always having them available), and being in total control of my life. One problem of being dependent on others is the loss of control involved.

A good example of how control is lost occurred at the Hampton Inn in Hollywood, Florida — the place I chose to stay during the night before the cruise. I decided to leave the car at the motel as part of a cruise/park deal, rather than at the parking garage at the Port Everglades port. The cost at the port was $225 (plus tax), and the Hampton Inn charged $198 (plus tax), but the Inn included an overnight stay plus a free all-you-can-eat breakfast. It was a no-brainer, true, but that choice led to a loss of control.

By choosing to leave the car a the Hampton Inn, I was dependent on the Inn for transportation to and from the port. I had all morning of the day of the cruise at the Inn; however, I requested an earlier transit. Although the request was granted, it turned out that everyone heading for the port left at the same time on a bus that seated 60 people. There, waiting for the bus, were my wife and I with two overstuffed bags, two garment bags, two carry-ons (for pills and toiletries), and two fanny-packs — totally at the mercy of a driver and his assistant. (You just have to hope they know what they are doing, that luggage gets put into the correct compartment, and that luggage is removed at the right time. I don’t like the loss of control!)

As an aside, here, the transit from the Inn to the Port provided a new experience for my wife and me. Before leaving the Hampton Inn, the bus driver explained that he and his assistant would split the tips acquired on this trip, and they expected $2.00 per person for handling our bags. His assistant then proceeded down the aisle collecting the tips. Many couples, I noticed, gave him $5.00, not four — perhaps because they didn’t have dollar bills. Having been warned about the need for providing tips, and having cruised a number of times before, we were well prepared with dollar bills. I wonder what the bus driver and his assistant would do with someone who chose not to tip them or to tip them less than what they expected?)

The “luxury” of this Inn-Port transit was that no further handling of the bags was necessary. My wife and I were told that the next time we would see our bags would be on the ship at our room. A porter outside the bus (at the port) asked $2.00 per couple for taking the bags from the shuttle to the ship!)

The dictionary defines “luxury” as something that is not necessary to life, health, or subsistence, and something, too, that ministers to one’s comfort and pleasure. What is “comfort” or “pleasure” to one person certainly differs from what is “comfort” and “pleasure” to another, and my wife and I have our own definition of “luxury” when we travel by car. No, its not travel by air, and it’s not staying at the premiere hotels and motels, nor eating at upscale restaurants, but for us, whether we travel by car or by using our fifth-wheel, travel is, indeed, luxurious.

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“The world’s most luxurious destinations, luxury hotels and resorts, exclusive, secluded and exotic getaways, stylish escapes, and luxury cruises” — that’s what some advertisements say when you enter “luxury travel” in Google. But all travel need not be this luxurious. At Travelers’ Tales, Joel L. Widzer, “The Penny Pincher's Passport to Luxury Travel,” offers a book full of tips called The Art of Cultivating Preferred Customer Status—3rd Edition in which, according to the website, he “reveals his method for traveling in the lap of luxury without breaking the bank. Joel’s techniques are simple, proven, and available to even the infrequent traveler. Fulfill your travel dreams now! ” I have not read the book, and this website is an advertisement, however, it seems Widzer makes an emotional appeal aimed at my heart!

At suite101.com, Jennifer W. Miner has a great little essay, “Thanksgiving Travel Tips: Reduce stress and add luxury to your holiday travel plans,” that offers some specific travel suggestions — especially for those having to travel with other family members (children).

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Copyright March 2010 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.

Life is unfair

by Richard L. Weaver II

Life is unfair — deal with it! This was an assumption I had throughout my life; I never thought otherwise. And, I determined to level the playing field (get my share) by doing my best. I always thought that if I did my best and succeeded (that is, did well), I would get exactly what I deserved. The problem, I discovered, was that people did not always perceive (or fully realize) another person’s preparation or qualifications; thus, they felt they were not being treated fairly (equally) because they thought they were equal, but if one dug just a little distance below the surface they would discover grave differences, not just minor ones. The problem boiled down to what they “thought” and not what were the facts.

It wasn’t until we had children that “life is unfair” became a fairly commonly used phrase.

We had two boys and two girls, and our job as parents was to continually justify the different treatment each of our children received. It was never the same; not even close. We know of someone else with two girls who were three years apart, and almost since the younger girl was born, the husband felt the girls should be treated equally. What is good for the older child is good for the younger one as well — no matter what it is. This occurred — and became a major bone of contention between the parents — throughout the girls’ childhoods (until the older girl turned twelve). This, of course, is total nonsense, and the father should have been jailed for child abuse. Okay, if not abuse then mistreatment and misconduct at the least.

At the John Tesh Blog, on the topic, “Life is unfair, better get used to it,” Tesh discusses the coddling kids get as they mature: “...we cannot hurt anybody's feelings. So we try to make everyone feel like a winner and we protect kids from anything that may be stressful. No bumps, no bruises, no disappointments, but also none of the challenges of real life.”

It is just this kind of coddling that distorts reality. Children should not be protected from unfairness. Think about it. At “Life is unfair," the writer offers a brief list of issues people consider unfair. Using their list, the most obvious inequities occur when you consider a person’s race, nationality, parental heritage, physical traits, mental capacity, social status, economic status, experiences of life, birth order, age, and religious heritage. Often, there is nothing that can be done about these issues; life is unfair, and children must not be protected from it.

At personal-development.com, in an article, “Life is unfair,” Chuck Gallozzi begins his essay with these sentences: “Yes, there are injustices. Guiltless people are sent to prison. Terrorists make plans to strike at innocent citizens. Facts regarding the poisons in our food are hidden from us. Olympic medals and Academy Awards are presented for political reasons instead of merit.” Certainly you can think of many other injustices that provoke, annoy, and perhaps enrage you; they are not difficult to locate.

Now, it should be clearly noted that because of the coddling many children receive during their upbringing, their only, and I might add, natural, response to unfairness could be described in much the same manner as Gallozzi describes: “All too often those bemoaning the unfairness of the world are just whining that they’re not getting their way. They haven’t grown up yet. Their sense of unfairness is irrational because it is based on childish demands and unrealistic expectations. They want to return to the time that they were infants. For then all they had to do was cry (complain) and someone would come and attend to their needs.”

What I said at the outset of this essay remains true. If each of us — despite all odds and obstacles — worked our hardesst, applied ourselves consistently, and did the best work of which we are capable at all times, the “life is unfair” phrase would likely have little application to our life. These, to me, are winning ways.

But, such a stance doesn’t really address the issue of this essay: life is unfair. That is, how can we best deal with unfairnesses besides working at our peak level? There are several suggestions.

The first, and most important is to take responsibility for your life. If you don’t like your situation, do something about it. There is no need to place blame on yourself or others, but what you need to do is change your attitude. Instead of a victim, become an architect (of your life). Determine what it is you want, figure out what you need to do to become qualified to get (earn?) what you want, make a plan to achieve your goal, and take action.

The second suggestion is to become a team player. As you cooperate with others, you will develop important connections. With the team as your support group, you will contribute to promoting their best interests, just as they will be promoting yours. When others recognize your genuine interest in them, they will cooperate and contribute positively to your best interests, as well.

The third suggestion is to begin to operate based on your thinking and not on your feelings. The problem in believing that life is unfair is that it creates worry and anxiety, and because they require energy, you drain important energy from sound, sensible, reasoned decision making and problem solving.

The fourth suggestion goes back to the results of coddling. Those who are coddled often remain immature and go through life demanding that the world cater to their every wish. In this way, they set themselves up for disappointment, frustration, and resentment. Parents must let children know that things will not always go as they like and that the world is full of unrealized hopes and dreams, but that is not the end of the world. They must learn to not just face disappointments but to cope with them as well. Life is full of both ups and downs; they are unavoidable. What children must be taught is to accept the hurdles life throws at them, and like countless others before them, learn to overcome them and grow stronger because of them. Life is unfair, but the way we deal with it is what counts.
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At Oprah.com , in an essay entitled, “What to do when life seems unfair,” there are three suggestions for dealing with unfairness: 1) Get to the heart of the problem, 2) Don’t be a victim, and 3) Shift the way you see the world.

At ProgressiveU.com, there is an essay entitled, “When You Say ‘Life is Unfair’ I say ‘No Duh’,” by Bridge, that makes one of the same points made in the essay above: “We already know that life is unfair, so why bother wasting time to say it? Let’s embrace those challenges that better us in ways we could never fully understand at the time.”
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Copyright September, 2010 by And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.

Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s coping that counts

by Richard L. Weaver II

I was looking for a topic to write about; often I make notes or outline an essay subtly on a small pad in my lap during church services. This time it was the sermon topic itself, “Surprised by God,” by Georganna Mawer, that provided the spark that led to this essay. Surprise! The topic was right in front of me. This happens often, and I never cease to be amazed at the occurrence when I am looking for a topic to write about, and I find it offered, as if on a silver platter..

Surprises often jump out at us when we least expect them. (Of course, that's why they're labeled "surprises"!) Sometimes they are welcome, at other times they leave us in awe and utter shock. They can be small as when we find something around the house that has been missing for some time. Or, they can be huge as when a woman finds herself unexpectedly pregnant — exciting for many, but a surprise that can cause some to feel anxious, depressed, and afraid of what the future holds.

The most surprising thing that could happen in our future would be that it offered no surprises. Because the future has surprised us so often in the past, it would be inconceivable to have a future with no surprises. Those events that will be really startling and have important consequences, futurists have called wild cards. Wild cards have the potential to radically change many people’s thinking and planning. You plan a vacation, for example, and an important family member suddenly dies, and just as suddenly all your time, effort, attention, and finances must be directed elsewhere. Vacation plans now seem frivolous, meaningless, and beside the point.

What we must learn to do in the face of surprises — especially those futurists have labeled wild cards (those that push our buttons or trigger our adrenaline) — is to pull back and take some time to think. Before reacting with an emotional outburst, a nasty letter, or vile e-mail, we must think about the ramifications. The point is that we should never respond quickly just to be done with the matter. It’s a male tendency. That’s what gets many of us in trouble. It is when we are most prone to making mistakes — our emotions control us not our thoughts, and we are likely to say or do exactly the wrong thing.

In the face of surprises, we might want to take a long walk, breathe deeply a few times, and find time to research the facts. The world is not black and white — I am right and the other person is wrong — and there are any number of other alternatives to what is proposed or what has happened, and any alternative is strengthened when buttressed with facts. The key is thinking before acting.

Sometimes the answer lies in why the other person might think or act the way they do. When you count to 10, or even 100, when you feel like striking out and responding immediately, or take that long walk before presuming to know the “real truth” about a situation, the other person’s motives may become obvious. Think about it. Before ascribing sinister motives to others, ask, “Are they under stress that is causing them to react more strongly than what the issue warrants?” Before shooting back a potentially damaging reply, could the surprising event be but a feather floating softly across your horizon? Think about it. Can you simply watch it float by without reacting to it? Many answers lie in no answer at all!

Sometimes the answer to a surprise is not clear. Ask a friend, co-worker, another family member, priest, pastor, or rabbi how they would handle this. Think about it. Consider the possibility, as just noted, of not responding at all, and see how things are in a few days.

It is true that even with a boatload of suggestions, it won’t prevent people from occasionally doing something stupid or unfortunate. Just controlling our own behavior on a daily basis is a constant and formidable challenge. Even those who are older and considered by many to be mature adults struggle with this at times. There is no handbook, and even if there were, it is unlikely to cover every circumstance, all possible conditions, and each incident when and where you could be taken by surprise — and then, definitive instructions on how to handle it. Controlling the behavior of others — to limit the surprises they create for us — is totally outside our ability, much as we would like to believe that we can tell others what is wrong with them and what they should do to fix it! Even if we could, others are likely to take unkindly to instruction, training, or enlightenment from others who are outside the teaching, training, or instructional professions. Often, people take unkindly to instruction no matter the source!

There are ways to cope with surprises, but remember, a surprise would not be a surprise if you could completely anticipate and prepare for it. First, be yourself. As authentically as you can be, be aware that you are not going to agree with everyone all the time. Disagreements, arguments, and conflicts are part of life, and the best way to cope is to be yourself.

Second, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with others. Remember that other people, no matter how they have surprised you, are human beings who suffer the same challenges as you. Part of being gentle with others is to assume that their motives are pure and that they are only trying to deal with things as they see them. When you reveal empathy — trying to see the world as they do — it helps keep things in perspective. Be cautious in how you react to others

The third way to cope with surprises is to get plenty of rest, exercise, and good nutrition. Dealing with life’s stresses — let alone the surprises that are dished out along the way to keep you on your toes — requires all the strength, fortitude, and resilience you can muster. That strength of character, backbone, and courage must come from a firm, solid, and sturdy foundation.

The fourth way to cope with surprises is to be completely and brutally honest with yourself about how you contributed to any conflict, misunderstanding, or surprise. If the surprise came via e-mail, text message, letter, or phone call, you could make yourself a pledge not to respond until the next day — if that is possible. This will give you time to think about the roots of the conflict or misunderstanding. Even if you wait until later in the day, you will have time to consider what your response might mean and how you can react in a more positive manner. Instead of sending a response, call the person and chat or, better yet, talk in person. Try to avoid tacking one surprise on top of another since this may escalate the emotional involvement and further complicate what may have been simple miscommunication.

Surprise comes in many shapes and sizes; it’s how you cope with them that counts. They are going to happen, and preparation is possible. The better prepared you are, the easier they are to handle.
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At the CanyonRanch website, there is a delightful, short essay, “Coping with change,” full of practical suggestions: 1) Stay true to the authentic you, 2) Remember what’s important, 3) Do things that give you joy, 4) Live in gratitude, 5) Control what you can control, 6) Become the solution, 7) Try something new, 8) Talk about it, 9) Exercise, eat well, stay healthy. Good ideas in a well-written essay.

At DocStocSync, the article is entitled, “Coping with loss: Guide to Grieving and Bereavement,” and I realize it is a little off topic here, and the article is longer than those I normally recommend; however, the ideas in this article are excellent. It strikes me that if the surprise is large enough, and if the surprise truly shakes us to our core, then the steps for coping and the guide to grieving offered in the article are outstanding. They are too long to reproduce here, but the article is terrific.
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Copyright February, 2010 - And Then Some Publishing L.L.C.