Relationship success results from a union of differences

by Richard L. Weaver II

When two people come together in a relationship, it is (and has to be) a union of differences. It cannot be overlooked. It cannot be escaped. And, if it is not accommodated in some manner, the relationship is unlikely to succeed.

The essential relationship question is this: How can relationship partners use their differences to enhance their relationship? Let’s use Valentine’s Day, 2010, as a celebration of differences for, often, it is those differences that bring the thrill, delight, and pleasure to relationships (if they don’t destroy them). In this essay are four suggestions for using differences to enhance relationships.

Accept each other’s differences. For a satisfying relationship, you and your partner must learn to accept each other’s differences. One of the joys of intimacy is learning to receive and to know fully a person different from yourself. Too often these differences are allowed to drive people apart because one partner is unwilling to allow the other to be himself or herself.

Another problem is competition. Sometimes you may reject your partner’s differences and begin to compete with him or her. This often happens in today’s world, but if you talk about it you will realize that a strength for one of you—either one of you—will be a strength for both of you. Although competition may be friendly at first, it can become critical, destructive, and lead to the disintegration of the relationship.

See differences as a chance for intimacy. Differences can provide a great opportunity for intimacy. One of the biggest contributions you can make to the development of trust and respect in a relationship is to understand your partner as a unique human being.

Use the following ideas to stimulate conversation and discussion. Clarify your perspectives about how you think about your differences and how they make you feel. Keep in mind that your perspective on your differences will have a lot to do with how you feel about them, and in turn, how you will respond to them.

Clarify your views about your differences before problems arise. All of your interactions exist within a relationship matrix. The stronger and healthier your relationship is, the more likely it is that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt, which in turn reduces the likelihood of escalation if conflicts arise because of your differences.

Check out each other’s hot button.” Both you and your partner have your own triggers or “hot buttons” that set off feelings of anger, unfairness, injury, insult, or hurt. By becoming familiar with each other’s “hot buttons,” you will know in advance which situations are more likely to trigger an unfavorable response on your part or on the part of your partner. In this way, you can be better prepared to deal with differences effectively.

Dealing with hot buttons calls for a two part response: finding alternative perspectives so you are less bothered; and slowing down your physiological response to your anger or anxiety. Keep these responses ready to use in case you find your hot buttons are being pushed.

Strive at all times and in all situations to promote empathy. Empathy is especially important throughout this process of discussing differences because when you and your partner seek to understand each other’s views, it is one way to demonstrate respect. This process is facilitated by paraphrasing—when one partner states his or her view and the other re-states it—in order to let the other know that he or she has been heard. When both partners engage in this process, there is often a noticeable and immediate reduction in tension and a quicker discovery of solutions.

See differences as complementary. An effective relationship rests on the formula, “One plus one equals three.” This simply means that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Each person in an intimate relationship is a unique human being who brings his or her uniqueness to the relationship.

When you add the strength of one partner to the strength of the other, the result is a sum that could not be achieved by either acting separately. Hence, one plus one equals three instead of two.

Sometimes it is the differences that keep the intimate relationship strong. One partner is a socially quiet person, and the other is an outgoing person. The socially quiet person help contain the excesses of the other, while the outgoing person helps draw out and encourage the socially quiet one.

See communication as essential. Lack of communication in a relationship may indicate general withdrawal, unwillingness to engage in self-disclosure, reduced supportiveness, or a lack of complete trust—all indicators that the relationship may be disintegrating. But communication itself does not guarantee intimacy. If one partner is using communication to deceive their partner or evaluate, manipulate, or exploit them, the relationship is obviously faltering.

Good communication allow you to manage relationships to be mutually satisfying for both you and your partner. Whether the relationship is to be changed or dissolved, communication is essential to such negotiation. Remember, a relationship is not a stagnant, unchanging entity, rather, it is a constantly evolving, developing, transforming, and progressing life form. This is what keeps it exciting and energizing, but this is, too, what makes communication essential. How do you keep up with the changes without talking about them?

Honesty is the most important element. How can you detect honesty in your relationship? If you can express your needs, dissatisfactions, fears, and unfilled ambitions, it is likely there is honesty. If you can look honestly at yourself, your partner and the relationship, there is likely to be honesty. If you can bend and change with spontaneity and flexibility there is likely to be honesty. If you can remain open to your partner’s feelings and alternative points of view, there is likely to be honesty. Also, if you can truly converse, discuss, and share ideas without name calling, labeling, and other biased approaches, there is likely to be honesty.

If you can accept each other’s differences, see them as a chance for intimacy, as complimentary, and communication as essential, then you certainly have a relationship worth celebrating. These ideas come from the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment and these thoughts, and many more like them, can be obtained from Amazon.com.

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At SearchYourLove there is a great essay, “Intimacy And Friendship Are Key To A Lasting Relationship,” that discusses the important role that intimacy and friendship play in successful romantic relationships.

At Marriage Success Training, the essay there, “Marriage Facts: Seven Keys to Success,” is an advertisement for their training program; however, the advertisement offers a great deal of advice in short, pithy, bullet points that are easy to read and understand.

At Ezine@rticles, the one entitled, “Keys to a Successful Marriage - Building Intimacy and Trust” by
Brian Leiphart offers a great deal of useful advice and suggestions.

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Copyright February 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC