Following the rules

Those of you familiar with my essays and especially my books know that I am a rules-based person.  After my first collection of essays, And Then Some: Essays to Entertain, Motivate, and Inspire, I immediately wrote the book, Public Speaking Rules: All You Need for a Great Speech.  I followed that rules-based book with a book entitled, SMOERs: Self-Motivation, Optimism, Encouragement Rules.  As if that wasn’t enough, I wrote an additional rules-based book entitled, Relationship Rules: For Long-term Happiness, Security, and Commitment. With all of this as a preface, it is little wonder that I would be attracted to a New York Times article by Jane E. Brody entitled, “Rules Worth Following, for Everyone’s Sake” (“Personal Health,” 02-02-10, p. D7). 

Now, I am familiar with Brody’s essays in the science section of the Times every Tuesday, and I have cited her numerous times in my textbooks, because she often writes about aspects of interpersonal relationships, verbal and nonverbal communication, and other facets of human behavior—all topics I discuss in my textbooks. 

In this essay I want to cover the same topics she covers in her essay.  I am deeply indebted to her for the ideas in this essay, and I give her full credit for them.    

Brody’s column is based on “a slender, easy-to-digest new book called Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual  (137 pages, $11 retail, $5.50 at Amazon) by Michael Pollan.”  Pollan is a professor of science journalism at the University of California, Berkeley.  Kristine Hale, in her four-star review of Pollan’s book at Amazon.com, writes, “Pollan takes the essential and fascinating information that he wrote about in his previous book [In Defense of Food: An Eaters Manifesto (256 pages, $7.50 at Amazon)] and simmers it down into a succinct (the book is basically 70 half pages long) ‘manual’ of rules for eating. While this book retains some of the bones of its predecessor, it is by no means a Cliff's Notes version. This manual is essential reading all on its own.” 

In her review of the book, Norma Lehmeierhartie tells how the Pollan book is organized: “The book is divided into three parts and has 64 chapters or rules. The following will give you a good idea of what the book is about: Part I, What should I eat? Includes such chapters as ‘Don't eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food,’ ‘avoid food products that contain more than five ingredients,’ and ‘avoid foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup.’ 

Part II, What kind of food should I eat?  includes, ‘Eat mostly plants, especially leaves,’ ‘eat your colors,’ and ‘the whiter the bread, the sooner you will be dead.’  Part III, How should I eat? includes: ‘pay more, eat less,’ ‘eat less,’ and ‘limit your snacks to unprocessed plant food.’” 

Jesse Kornbluth, in his review of Pollan’s book, offers samples of some of his rules: “What does Pollan tell you in these pages? Here's a sample:
    --- ‘Don't eat anything your great grandmother wouldn't recognize as food.’
    --- ‘Don't eat anything with more than five ingredients, or ingredients you can't pronounce.’
    ---- ‘Don't eat anything that won't eventually rot...There are exceptions --- honey --- but as a rule, things like Twinkies that never go bad aren't food.’
    --- ‘Always leave the table a little hungry.'
    --- ‘Eat meals together, at regular meal times.’
    --- ‘Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.’ 

There are three types of people who will not appreciate Pollan’s book.  First, those who have read his previous books will find this one redundant.  More than that, it is simply a distillation of and recycled verbatim from his previous book, In Defense of Food, referred to above.  Second, if you are already into food and nutrition, you will find much of what Pollan says, common sense—maybe even, elementary.  The third type of person who can skip this book and his previous one are those who simply adopt Pollan’s approach, which he summarized in just seven words: “Eat food.  Not too much.  Mostly plants.”  Obesity solved!  Diet-related ailments eliminated! 

There is only one reason I have provided these quotations from reviews of Pollan’s book.  I have not read it myself, and I am dependent on the Amazon reviews and  Brody for their interpretations and insights. 

Quoting from Brody’s column, “The new book provides the practical steps [for following his approach], starting with advice to avoid ‘processed concoctions,’ no matter what the label may claim (‘no trans fats,’ ‘low cholesterol,’ ‘less sugar,’ ‘reduced sodium,’ ‘high in antioxidants,’ and so forth).”  If you read his book, you will become accustomed to his cute way of phrasing his ideas.  For example, “If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don’t.” 

“Avoid foods advertised on television.. . . Those who sell the most healthful foods—vegetables, fruits and whole grains—rarely have a budget to support national advertising.”  If you shop in a supermarket, “shop only the periphery of the store and avoid the center aisles laden with processed foods”. . . and “Never get your fuel from the same place your car does,” Pollan writes. 

Other valuable rules include, “If you’re not paying attention to what you’re eating, you’re likely to eat more than you realize,” or“Stop eating before you’re full,” “There is nothing wrong with special occasion foods, as long as every day is not a special occasion,” and the rule I love the best is Pollan’s “S policy”: “No snacks, no seconds, no sweets—except on days that begin with the letter S.”  There is clearly a reason why I’m rules-oriented—don’t you wish everyone was? 

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If you think following rules is a new concept, or if you think rules are a modern idea, or if you think old rules do not apply, check out this web site: PlugInID.com, and the essay there entitled “21 Rules to Live Your Life - Dokkodo.”  “Dokkodo” is a small book written by Miyamoto Musashi a week before he died in 1645.  1645!!!!!  Read these 21 rules.  They are terrific guidelines by which to form a very good life.  Just the first two examples: 1. Accept everything just the way it is, and 2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.  Also, this is not a simple listing; all rules are explained and discussed as well. 

If you want an entertaining, delightful, and challenging adventure, look at: “Life’s Rules of Thumb (and other quotes)” and you will discover an array of over 85 great quotations.  Some of the quotations (to offer but a mere sampling) that I liked include, “If your plan is for one year, plant rice. If your plan is for ten years, plant trees. If your plan is for one hundred years, educate children.” Confucius.  Or, “People are basically honest. And they're even more honest when you watch them.” Alan C. "Ace" Greenberg.  Or, “Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes.”  Anonymous.
You get just a fraction of the pleasure here that you will get by going to this web site. 

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Copyright July, 2010, by And Then Some Publishing, LLC.

Relationship success results from a union of differences

by Richard L. Weaver II

When two people come together in a relationship, it is (and has to be) a union of differences. It cannot be overlooked. It cannot be escaped. And, if it is not accommodated in some manner, the relationship is unlikely to succeed.

The essential relationship question is this: How can relationship partners use their differences to enhance their relationship? Let’s use Valentine’s Day, 2010, as a celebration of differences for, often, it is those differences that bring the thrill, delight, and pleasure to relationships (if they don’t destroy them). In this essay are four suggestions for using differences to enhance relationships.

Accept each other’s differences. For a satisfying relationship, you and your partner must learn to accept each other’s differences. One of the joys of intimacy is learning to receive and to know fully a person different from yourself. Too often these differences are allowed to drive people apart because one partner is unwilling to allow the other to be himself or herself.

Another problem is competition. Sometimes you may reject your partner’s differences and begin to compete with him or her. This often happens in today’s world, but if you talk about it you will realize that a strength for one of you—either one of you—will be a strength for both of you. Although competition may be friendly at first, it can become critical, destructive, and lead to the disintegration of the relationship.

See differences as a chance for intimacy. Differences can provide a great opportunity for intimacy. One of the biggest contributions you can make to the development of trust and respect in a relationship is to understand your partner as a unique human being.

Use the following ideas to stimulate conversation and discussion. Clarify your perspectives about how you think about your differences and how they make you feel. Keep in mind that your perspective on your differences will have a lot to do with how you feel about them, and in turn, how you will respond to them.

Clarify your views about your differences before problems arise. All of your interactions exist within a relationship matrix. The stronger and healthier your relationship is, the more likely it is that your partner will give you the benefit of the doubt, which in turn reduces the likelihood of escalation if conflicts arise because of your differences.

Check out each other’s hot button.” Both you and your partner have your own triggers or “hot buttons” that set off feelings of anger, unfairness, injury, insult, or hurt. By becoming familiar with each other’s “hot buttons,” you will know in advance which situations are more likely to trigger an unfavorable response on your part or on the part of your partner. In this way, you can be better prepared to deal with differences effectively.

Dealing with hot buttons calls for a two part response: finding alternative perspectives so you are less bothered; and slowing down your physiological response to your anger or anxiety. Keep these responses ready to use in case you find your hot buttons are being pushed.

Strive at all times and in all situations to promote empathy. Empathy is especially important throughout this process of discussing differences because when you and your partner seek to understand each other’s views, it is one way to demonstrate respect. This process is facilitated by paraphrasing—when one partner states his or her view and the other re-states it—in order to let the other know that he or she has been heard. When both partners engage in this process, there is often a noticeable and immediate reduction in tension and a quicker discovery of solutions.

See differences as complementary. An effective relationship rests on the formula, “One plus one equals three.” This simply means that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Each person in an intimate relationship is a unique human being who brings his or her uniqueness to the relationship.

When you add the strength of one partner to the strength of the other, the result is a sum that could not be achieved by either acting separately. Hence, one plus one equals three instead of two.

Sometimes it is the differences that keep the intimate relationship strong. One partner is a socially quiet person, and the other is an outgoing person. The socially quiet person help contain the excesses of the other, while the outgoing person helps draw out and encourage the socially quiet one.

See communication as essential. Lack of communication in a relationship may indicate general withdrawal, unwillingness to engage in self-disclosure, reduced supportiveness, or a lack of complete trust—all indicators that the relationship may be disintegrating. But communication itself does not guarantee intimacy. If one partner is using communication to deceive their partner or evaluate, manipulate, or exploit them, the relationship is obviously faltering.

Good communication allow you to manage relationships to be mutually satisfying for both you and your partner. Whether the relationship is to be changed or dissolved, communication is essential to such negotiation. Remember, a relationship is not a stagnant, unchanging entity, rather, it is a constantly evolving, developing, transforming, and progressing life form. This is what keeps it exciting and energizing, but this is, too, what makes communication essential. How do you keep up with the changes without talking about them?

Honesty is the most important element. How can you detect honesty in your relationship? If you can express your needs, dissatisfactions, fears, and unfilled ambitions, it is likely there is honesty. If you can look honestly at yourself, your partner and the relationship, there is likely to be honesty. If you can bend and change with spontaneity and flexibility there is likely to be honesty. If you can remain open to your partner’s feelings and alternative points of view, there is likely to be honesty. Also, if you can truly converse, discuss, and share ideas without name calling, labeling, and other biased approaches, there is likely to be honesty.

If you can accept each other’s differences, see them as a chance for intimacy, as complimentary, and communication as essential, then you certainly have a relationship worth celebrating. These ideas come from the book Relationship Rules: For long-term happiness, security, and commitment and these thoughts, and many more like them, can be obtained from Amazon.com.

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At SearchYourLove there is a great essay, “Intimacy And Friendship Are Key To A Lasting Relationship,” that discusses the important role that intimacy and friendship play in successful romantic relationships.

At Marriage Success Training, the essay there, “Marriage Facts: Seven Keys to Success,” is an advertisement for their training program; however, the advertisement offers a great deal of advice in short, pithy, bullet points that are easy to read and understand.

At Ezine@rticles, the one entitled, “Keys to a Successful Marriage - Building Intimacy and Trust” by
Brian Leiphart offers a great deal of useful advice and suggestions.

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Copyright February 2010 by And Then Some Publishing, LLC